Eager to have a MFM threesome but insecure about myself

[cervelopride 51]

So, my husband and I are hopefully going to have our first MFM threesome soon. I've sent pics to the guy, he seems nice, he's experienced, he's viewed our profile, we have chatted a ton and will talk on the phone soon. My husband and him seem to get along and are game. He seems like a true gentleman and I have seen him in action via video. Rowr.

 

I've been with my husband and monogamous for 21 years. Now, you'd think that would be the problem-it's not. It's that I am so insecure in my body that even though I really want this, and my husband really wants this, I feel so ugly and disgusting that the first thing I have to say to this guy when he sees me face to face is, "I'm sorry I'm so gross."

 

I want this so bad, but I am thinking that my insecurity issues are going to be the deal breaker. It's weird that I can be so insecure about my looks but yet not have issues with my husband screwing another woman (while I'm there) I actually find the idea of getting to watch him perform to be a huge turn on. But my husband and this other gentleman...they are both GORGEOUS. Totally toned, built, handsome. I could see either of them in LA with arm candy.

 

Fact is, I can exercise all I want, but that I've-given-birth pooch is going nowhere.

 

Meanwhile, my self-esteem is that of blowing toothless truckers at the local gas up for $25.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I would wait for your mfm. It is not going to be fun for you with your self esteem issues. Guys get nervous. Most likely if you project the attitude, 'Sorry I'm gross' he won't be able to get it up. Then you will feel even worse.

 

I'm not sure if you are being humorous, but saying negative things about yourself to a potential partner is a complete turn-off for the majority of people. Don't even think about starting off an evening like that.

 

It's difficult but you need to find ways to love your body. If you are exercising and eating right, you may just need to go easier on yourself and find ways to enhance what you have. There are great corsets or garter belts that can cover a poochy belly. You might try dressing sexy and going out to clubs. You will get attention and perhaps that will help you see yourself in a better light. Really though, self esteem comes from the self and it has to come from your own attention and approval. You might consider a few sessions with a counselor.

 

If you don't exercise, but just say, "Exercise can't fix this" You need to start exercising. It's really important for your mind and body. It takes a little time, but you will see a real benefit.

 

 

Is your husband currently playing with other women? Maybe you should consider playing with couples for awhile so that you can see that nearly everyone has body flaws, that become much less noticeable when there is chemistry and passion. I would seriously work on your issues before becoming involved in any swinging activities. But, once you are more comfortable with yourself, consider couples.

[cervelopride 51]

You're totally right. I'd be turned off by insecurity and apologies as well. Who wants a pity party?

 

I'm going to bite the bullet guys, dress to impress, and woman up. I'll let you know how it goes.

[Swingularity 108]

I would seriously work on your issues before becoming involved in any swinging activities. But, once you are more comfortable with yourself, consider couples.

 

This is sage advice. Especially if this is your first "live rodeo". "Woman-ing up" is sort of a "grin and bear it" and "white knuckle" approach to what should be a giddy, fizzy, tingling, mind-blowing night of excitement, anticipation, and sensation.

 

"Woman-ing up" is not the same as working on the issues that come across loud and clear in your thread starting post.

 

Has your husband read this post? Does he know that deep down, this is how you feel?

 

You may pull it off, but it will be a small miracle if your first foray ends up being a mind-blowing moment.

 

Good luck!

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I could try saying sensible things, but the crap in your brain is probably shouting too loud for anything useful to get in. However, I'm in the mood for wasting my time, so:

 

- Men don't care about shit like your I've-given-birth pooch.

 

- Sex kinda sucks if, instead of focusing on how good it's feeling, you're thinking about how ugly your body is.

 

- Also, how would you like to have sex with someone who wasn't thinking about how good it felt but instead was doing the low self-esteem boogie? Yeah, might as well masturbate.

 

- Does your husband think you're gross? If not, maybe you aren't, except in the airless confines of your twisted brain, and that doesn't actually count.

 

I could go on, but body dysmorphia is not really crackable via the internets. Have you though about seeing someone who specializes in cognitive therapy?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

You're totally right. I'd be turned off by insecurity and apologies as well. Who wants a pity party?

 

I'm going to bite the bullet guys, dress to impress, and woman up. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

I would seriously work on your issues before becoming involved in any swinging activities. We have a little train wreck animation here, I'm not going to use it because I think it's too funny for your situation, which is not funny, or something you can 'woman up' into. But, it's the first thing that came to my mind. You are going to hurt yourself further by engaging in sex with a stranger when you don't feel good about yourself.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

- Men don't care about shit like your I've-given-birth pooch.

 

Actually, I think there are men out there that do. They are the same kind of men that don't like stretch marks. Or perhaps the same kind that doesn't expect a woman to age and get wrinkles. The same kind that are shallow about anything and everything. Last week, I heard about a man who had put up a list of requirements that he currently seeks in a woman and one of them was lo, and behold...no stretch marks, among lots of other things.

 

Honestly, if a man is concerned about those things, do you really want to have sex with him?

 

funcouple and maui have great points. I'll steer toward the more positive...maybe you and your husband can visit a nearby swing club (I hope there is one for you two and that it is popular with couples). You don't have to play...just observe. You'll see women of all shapes and sizes and it will put your mind at ease that men, the non-100% shallow ones, will have sex with a woman who they find attractive--physical "flaws" and all.

[Chicup 41]

As a man who can't comprehend much of womans body issues no matter how hard he tries let me just state how this works in a guys brain, as its not very complex in this regard.

 

Is she fuckable and wants you to fuck her, YES/NO.

If YES = FUCK HER

If NO = DON'T FUCK HER

 

Its that simple.

 

Now not every man is going to want to have sex with you. I don't feel bad about that as a man because a huge number of women don't want to have sex with me. Its just how attraction works. All that matters is those who do want to have sex with you that you want to have sex with. Now you have been talking to this man, I'm going to assume he has seen pictures of you. If he hasn't, that was a mistake, you always want to get that out of the way very early, but I'll assume he has. I'm also going to assume these pictures were not altered with photoshop or taken in ways that hide your body (the famous "myspace" photos).

 

So assuming he has seen all of you, and is still interested, then he already did his mental program of "Is she fuckable". He has already decided.

 

Now that all being said, swinging is a lot like being a teenager again, only with more impotence. Single males are notorious for being flakey, for not showing up, for lying about who they are (married, 20 years older, etc), and for not being able to perform. This happens with couples too, but single males seem to get more of it. The issue will be not taking it personally, remember some people are single for a reason.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Now that all being said, swinging is a lot like being a teenager again, only with more impotence. Single males are notorious for being flakey, for not showing up, for lying about who they are (married, 20 years older, etc), and for not being able to perform. This happens with couples too, but single males seem to get more of it. The issue will be not taking it personally, remember some people are single for a reason.

 

I love this! It is so true.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

"Most men."

 

I can't speak for most men, or even for several men. I speak for one.

 

Every body that I have ever seen--and as a physician, I have seen thousands--is somehow "flawed". Wounded, asymmetric, whatever. This is called reality.

 

Stretch marks, scars, a "pooch"--these are proof that a woman has lived.

 

Perhaps I caused the scar. After all, every person that I have ever operated upon--as a surgeon--I have necessarily scarred.

 

Imperfections? Flaws? These are what make each of us unique.

 

Scars? They speak of a battle with disease. Most often, they speak of a triumph.

 

If I take notice of your "flaws", I do not see them as flaws.

 

I see them as part of you.

[Gordo 618]

Actually, I think there are men out there that do. They are the same kind of men that don't like stretch marks. Or perhaps the same kind that doesn't expect a woman to age and get wrinkles. The same kind that are shallow about anything and everything. Last week, I heard about a man who had put up a list of requirements that he currently seeks in a woman and one of them was lo, and behold...no stretch marks,

 

Those aren't men they're prima donnas. Shallow vain and conceited. I wouldn't even respond to profiles like that and if anyone ever started talking like that they'd be out of our life NOW.

 

As a guy I have absolutely no problem with stretch marks, birth pouches, less than perky tits or droopy asses. The mind is the greatest attraction of all and on that basis I would avoid you (the OP not Sun ).

Guys DO understand that gravity and aging are battles that we all can't help losing but the mind set is a battle you can win.

 

So let me tell you about one of my greatest regrets in a woman I didn't get to swing with.

 

We met them in a bar. He was black and well hung (here go the cliches). Turned out to have the personality of a block of wood and when he talked you just wished he'd shut up. My wife and I both disliked him so no go for swinging.

 

She turned out to be a BBW 350 lbs if she weighed an ounce! 20 minutes of talking to her and I would have thrown her on the table and done her right in the pub. Sparkling personality, witty and engaging along with to die for blue eyes. She just drew me in and I (unusual) really really wanted her and very much liked her.

 

Bodies....meh!

Minds....Oh yeah!

[Chicup 41]

Ok time to be a wet blanket on this love parade. Maybe a storm of reality? A dash of urine in the cornflakes? Ok I digress but lets not exchange one body image issue with another.

 

Rather than vilify anyone who decided to not have sex with a woman based on looks, and turn an inferiority complex into a "its them, I'm awesome" complex lets just put on the table that not everyone finds the same things attractive and SOME men will be into a woman despite any number of issues, including morbid obesity, and SOME men will be turned off by a hang nail.

 

In between the extremes you will find those who will want to have sex with you and you will want to have sex with. You don't want to be the woman on SLS chat who said that people in Wisconsin were too "snooty and judgmental" because none of them seemed to want to swing with them, and they were being judgmental of her morbid obesity. Thats not healthy thats delusional. Being delusional is bad because you never take a proper self assessment.

 

To me a healthy body image would be accepting what you can't change, changing what you can and want to change, and understanding that some people won't be all that into you. As a man, we are expecting to be rejected, we have a lot of experience with it by the time we hit our 30's. Few men are so good looking that every girl wanted to be their girl friend growing up. Women in swinging need to accept this as well, and take it with maturity too, not be in some sort of euphoric denial that they are fine its others that are messed up.

 

My wife has her battle scars, kids, all that, and while I still find her attractive, there are men who won't. They are not evil bad horrible low character shallow jerks, they just don't find her looks appealing. It doesn't happen often but it happens. Don't hate the player and don't hate the game. Just move on.

 

If this wasn't an issue, then you wouldn't have profile pictures. We would all just talk about our wants and desires, what we are into, and what books we read. We even have in our profile, don't bother writing if you don't have pictures. Are we bad for this?

[Swingularity 108]

Actually, I think there are men out there that do. They are the same kind of men that don't like stretch marks. Or perhaps the same kind that doesn't expect a woman to age and get wrinkles. The same kind that are shallow about anything and everything. Last week, I heard about a man who had put up a list of requirements that he currently seeks in a woman and one of them was lo, and behold...no stretch marks, among lots of other things.

 

Honestly, if a man is concerned about those things, do you really want to have sex with him?

 

Sunbuckus brings up a good point. The lifestyle is filled with couples where the guy has gone to seed, and the woman is an "age and life experience appropriate" fucking hottie. There are sixty year old hottie women who the rivers of life have tumbled, and honed, and given HARD EARNED marks of character, beauty, and just plain fucking SEXY...who a large percentage of deaf, dumb, and blind guys wouldn't give a second glance, nor even begin to understand and appreciate what they are looking at. These same guys, most either 1) narcissistic tendency "ripped" mirror worshipers, or 2) short, fat, balding guy who keeps his shirt untucked at lifestyle events and clubs because he thinks he's hiding his "gone to seed body" have NEVER gotten it, from say age 12, and NEVER will get what true female beauty is...that which radiates from within. Yes, we're in a visual world, and yes, visual preferences exist (I've got 'em). But I've had sex with some incredible women in the lifestyle who weren't my type, but who were incredibly sexy.

 

The mythical mirror worshiping Barbie's can go fuck dickless Ken. I'll take a woman who has stretch marks, wrinkles, crinkles and a sweet tasting pussy anyday. And will make love to her like she's the last goddam woman on this planet. I am blind to imperfection when a woman is perfectly her self, perfectly at ease and self-confident, and perfectly excited about fucking me.

 

Oh, and the guy who posted women with stretchmarks are off his list. Guaranfuckingteed he has a weird belly button, halitosis, and a quirky, odd cock that he's named "Bond, James Bond". Fuck him and his brothers in ugly dick arms.

 

End threadjack. Off soapbox. And if anyone wants to know the name of my magnificent member, in all it's ramrod straight, throbbing glory, please send the request forms in triplicate to my sexual secretary Miss Penispenny.

[cervelopride 51]

Update: Did it. Shy at first but my husband and I had the best time. 3.5 hours. I was totally into him and he was amazing. Loved it. Into it. Experimented. Exhausted. Yes I was totally stripped and both of them ran their hands up and down my body and held me.

 

I understand the reasoning behind the advice for holding off and not doing it, but really it did so, so much for the way I feel now. That one session probably saved me thousands in cognitive therapy.

 

Having the right guy was the key...he was willing to talk to me and hubby at length, relax with us, and follow cues. He was so tuned into my husbands territory it was amazing. It resulted in no jealousy issues at all.

 

We really lucked out in this guy. I know they say single males are the black sheep, but he was really a unicorn for us. I'd only been with my husband my whole life, so it was fascinating to hear the sounds and reactions of another man.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I understand the reasoning behind the advice for holding off and not doing it, but really it did so, so much for the way I feel now. That one session probably saved me thousands in cognitive therapy.

 

 

Thanks so much for giving us an update. It's great that you listened to your inner wisdom and I'm really happy it worked out so beautifully!

[Guest smithvillecoupl]

Fact is, I can exercise all I want, but that I've-given-birth pooch is going nowhere.

 

As a male, I find all sorts of women sexy, even ones with "pooches" so to speak. Sexy is mental, not physical. There is no bigger turn off then someone with no self confidence. Even if you're mediocre, just knowing that, and working on that shows that you care and in turn is sexy. Personality gets you far as well.

 

Don't sweat your body my dear, we all have issues.