Separate rooms safely?

[TNT 1,155]

For those couples that play separately in different rooms, how do you deal with the safety issue involved? For men how do you gain the trust in another man that he will not get out of line with your wife in a sexual situation, i.e…pushing her beyond what she wants to do. Women how do you come to trust a man enough to really relax in a sexual situation to where you are not concerned that he will over power you into doing something you don’t want to do?

 

Although Ted and I have no problems with the idea of playing separately and actually have fantasies of doing something along these lines, there is a major fear factor involved for both of us. For me personally, there are only three men that I know that I would feel comfortable with in a sexual situation not to harm me or push for more than I was willing to give. And for Ted, he has the fear that someone would try to push me and he wouldn’t be there to help me out. This being the main reason Ted and I only play together. As long as he is there I know that I am safe and he knows I am safe.

 

I was just curious as to how those that do play separately deal with this.

 

Teresa

[OhioCouple 40]

Originally posted by TNT

For those couples that play separately in different rooms, how do you deal with the safety issue involved? For men how do you gain the trust in another man that he will not get out of line with your wife in a sexual situation, i.e…pushing her beyond what she wants to do. Women how do you come to trust a man enough to really relax in a sexual situation to where you are not concerned that he will over power you into doing something you don’t want to do?

Very interesting question, one that I would like to hear more about.

 

We never, EVER meant to play in separate rooms, but over the course of about six months or so...it just kinda happened, with this one particular couple. Major bad move on our part. While we had played with them often, we didn't really know them, know them, (if that makes sense) and the guy snapped on me. This incident caused us to cease all swinging activity for about four months.

 

I don't really know what the answer is, in how you determine what the 'safety' factors are. I think for us, we are going to have to REALLY know them well in order to play separately, as we do so enjoy the fun of playing in the same room, but separately can be fun too. It just has to be with the right people, and we are MUCH more careful about that now.

[TNT 1,155]

Originally posted by OhioCouple

the guy snapped on me.

 

That is exactly what our fear factor is about.

 

Teresa

[bear_n_bunny 43]

For us, it's real simple. While we have not done separate rooms yet (at least with Bunny I haven't, since she and I are still pretty new as a swing couple; did it countless times before), it is definitely an option. Neither of us are concerned about separate room playing, for the simple reason that before we play with someone, we will get to know them well enough to know whether there are any concerns along these lines. If there are, we don't play with them, period.

 

One of the most important aspects of swinging is to make sure that all concerned are clear on the ground rules long before the slap-and-tickle ever starts. And size the other couple up, carefully. Talk to them, spend some time with them, see how each reacts to different circumstances and stimuli. If you do that, and think with your brain, not your genitals, while you do your observing, you can pretty much separate the wheat from the chaff, as it were. And most importantly, trust your instincts. If something doesn't "feel" right about a couple, then move on.

 

The problem some people have is that they meet another couple, and the couple really turns them on, and they start thinking with their little heads instead of their big ones, and they can end up in trouble. (And don't think for a minute that women are not as prone to this as men are; I've seen it WAY too many times).

 

So take your time and get to know the couple first. Then, if you do decide to do separate room swap, there's no real need to worry...

 

-- Bear

[Elusive BiFem 70]

As a single female, i.e., not part of a couple, I have had this nagging question in my mind ever since reading some of these posts. Now if I can say it right...

 

All of the females that are married were single before they became couples. And by virtue of the fact they are now part of a couple, it would stand they have had, for the most part, rather significant experience separating the "wheat from the chaff" to quote Bear, during their single days.

 

As a single, I meet a man, size him up, he invites me to dinner, comes by, picks me up in his car, and I go off with him alone. Completely alone and without even the benefit of someone just down the hall or in another room. Now obviously, I have sized him up beforehand to the degree that I feel some level of comfort.

 

So my question is this: how is it any different in terms of sizing someone up for separate playtime after being part of a couple as opposed to being single? A serious question that I've really wondered about. Thanks! -EBF

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

To me it would be the same as if I were single trying to decide if I could trust a guy in that way. As a single I didn't (and again don't) have someone else there to ensure my safety so I have to make a judgement call if I'm going to consider having sex with someone.

 

The same thing goes as a couple. If someone is going to overstep their boundaries they are going to do it whether you are there or not. The only thing you can really do by being there is beat the crap out of him if he won't listen to your wife's requests.

[windsor4fun2 130]

I agree with what has been said by others. You have to think with your big head, not your little head and size people up as accurately as possible..just as single women do every day.

 

The other issue is how are you going to feel with your husband/wife in another room. But this could be a whole separate can of worms.

 

For us separate rooms is not a big desire simply because half the fun of swinging is watching each other enjoying ourselves.

 

Jesse

[OhioCouple 40]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem

So my question is this: how is it any different in terms of sizing someone up for separate playtime after being part of a couple as opposed to being single? A serious question that I've really wondered about.

As I spent well over 10 years single as an adult...let's see if I can explain this and not make myself sound like an idiot.

 

During my single years, I was raising children and had absolutely NO desire to be in a relationship. Basically when I got to the point that I needed sex then, it was not only carefully planned but those that I did have sex with...most likely it only happened once. I didn't have very many of these encounters, but I essentially used them for sex. And to be quite honest about, they did me too. We were friends and just always chalked it up to a 'wild night', would laugh about it and it never happened again. We preferred our friendship over a casual affair, and we weren't compatible 'marriage' wise. Only once did it attempt to turn into something further...but that is a whole other story and doesn't fit in here.

 

After I met my husband and we committed ourselves to each other, sex with others was out of the question, for me. Well naturally all that changed. However, as when I was single I KNEW, KNEW my partners, all of them for many years. It's pretty hard to get to know people in that same respect over a few exchanges of email or even a couple of phone conversations or a few meetings. This is where we made our mistake. We had NO idea how these people lived and conducted their daily lives. We didn't work with them, they hadn't been friends for years, etc. Sure we knew some general stuff, but not the kind of information that gives you an overall view of them. Even six months of spending time with them, every few weeks, gave us no indication and some really weird stuff started coming out. The signs were there, we just didn't recognize them. We are defintely wiser now. We were WAY to dependent on the idea that EVERYONE who swings, knows that NO means NO. I shoulda given the guy a shot of my knee that would have put him into the middle of next week but I was so shocked and stunned. I had never had anyone do that to me.

 

So now, our swing friends will only be those that we have come to KNOW over time. Period. No free lancing, no meeting with virtual strangers and having a romp in the hay. Separate rooms? We will have to know them very well to do that. But then, hey...that's just us and that is what 'works' for us.

[TNT 1,155]

Thanks everyone for the info…I see that it really all boils down to making a judgment call and trusting your instincts, and yes, thinking with the big head and not the little one, lol.

 

Ted and I have been together virtually since birth, so I’ve never had to really think about this before, in terms of that it is basically just like a single woman dating.

 

I’m not sure if we will ever play separately, but since it is something that we have fantazied about and discussed as a possibility in the future, we thought we would start doing our research on it.

 

I really appreciate all the responses.

 

Thanks,

Teresa

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Originally posted by TNT

Ted and I have been together virtually since birth, so I’ve never had to really think about this before, in terms of that it is basically just like a single woman dating.

Thanks,

Teresa

 

Wow. Really? That's amazing. And it certainly brings your question into greater perspective. I was saying earlier that I thought it must be similar to making the call on the dating situation, but if that is the case with you and Ted, you've never really had that "practice." I can certainly better understand your apprehension along those lines. Therefore, I take back everything I said as it pertains to you.

 

Seriously, I'm really sitting here wondering how I would feel if I had only been with one man my entire life and had never experienced the pitfalls of dating various people, etc.

 

So...changing the nature of your post...if you don't mind...what is it like to have been with someone your entire life? All I can relate it to is a couple of my best friends, scattered over the country, that I've known for 20-25 years. There is a closeness and richness and depth to our friendship, even tho' we rarely see each other in person, that I've never found elsewhere. -EBF

[TNT 1,155]

Yes EBF,

 

It is true. There is an old thread somewhere called , "How and where did you meet your partner?" Where I tell about how Ted and I met. I don't know how to do the fancy little link thing or I would have, lol.

 

As to your question about how it feels? Well, neither one of us really know any different. I can't remember a time that he was not in my life in some way or another. Coming from a small town where everyone knows everyone else was a help...it just seemed that growing up our families seemed to interact more so than most. We were definitely friends before the hormones kicked in and we became the world to each other.

 

Neither one of us ever really dated anyone else. I know some will see this as a weakness in some ways, but to us we see it as a very special gift. We were able to make up our own rules as to how a relationship should be and lucky enough to grow and change at a pace the other could keep up with.

 

We have grown so interwined through the years with each other that it is like we are mirror images.

 

I know this probably all sounds a little sappy,

 

By the way...something that I don't tell most people we meet...I was 15 and Ted was 17 when we got married...and no, I was not pregnant, our first daughter was not born until two years later. Now 21 1/2 years later we are still going strong.

 

Teresa

[Elusive BiFem 70]

That is a super story, Teresa and Ted. I'll go back and find that thread - I remember it, but I don't remember your story. I must have missed it.

 

And sappy is good...we need more "sappy." It makes me smile.

-EBF

[BradAndJanet 70]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem

...So my question is this: how is it any different in terms of sizing someone up for separate playtime after being part of a couple as opposed to being single? A serious question that I've really wondered about. Thanks! -EBF

We don't think it's really any different at all. Like Teresa says, it comes down to making a judgment based on how they act, what they say and ultimately a 'gut' feeling thay you get. You have to keep your head in the game (and NOT the little one either, LOL) and listen to your instincts. It it feels even the slightest bit wrong, it probably is, and you should back off.

 

One difference is that it's not just one of us making the call; we both have to feel right about playing alone. That's where communication becomes so important. Neither of us had a real good feeling about our first encounter, but we weren't communicating that to each other, or we might have stopped. We've worked that out now; experience is a great teacher!

 

-B

[fun_pairTX 26]

Barbara and I discussed this before we started swinging at all. Our decision was that we would go in to swinging together, never seaprate when swinging, and when the time came we would quit together. We do this very much for each other and separation just doesn't fit into our game plan.

[Vjklander 138]

If anyone tried to do anything out of line with MrsVjk, she would need only say "That will make Vjklander angry, you wouldn't like him when he is angry" Any one who knows me would understand that. *gryn* (check my profile on SLS)

J

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Common sense covers alot if you consider swinging apart.

 

Apart can also mean when the other is no where around. Like at work. Some people swing that way.

 

In the right environment it can be alot of fun. But you do need to make ground rules and guidelines if you are going to do this before ANYTHING happens. Preferably while you are both still very sober and alone.

 

We've done it several times with other couples and groups. We were very comfortable with ourselves and the others. Nothing like walking thru the door of a room and seeing your spouse having sex with someone(s). This works for us and we don't expect it to work for everyone.

[Adam-n-Eve 223]

I saw that some other have already said what I'm going to say, but here it goes anyhow: Women have been having sex with men they don't know all that well since humans started having sex (at least 100 years). Your wife, girl friend, whatever, probably had sex without you there to protect her for quite a while and wasn't killed, raped, or hurt by anyone in all that time.

 

This reminds me of the STD question. You managed these risks for years when you were single and dating. Most of us make it through using some common sense. You apply the same rules here as you do when you're dating, and the chances are you're going to be fine.

[TwobyTwo 15]

Though we have not swung yet, we've discussed the subject. My wife's concern is that she would be too uncomfortable to be comfortable if we were in the same room, on a number of levels I understand.

 

We are kind of contemplating this currently. Possibly starting with very soft experiences.

[mixtupcpl 169]

I saw that some other have already said what I'm going to say, but here it goes anyhow: Women have been having sex with men they don't know all that well since humans started having sex (at least 100 years). Your wife, girl friend, whatever, probably had sex without you there to protect her for quite a while and wasn't killed, raped, or hurt by anyone in all that time.

 

This reminds me of the STD question. You managed these risks for years when you were single and dating. Most of us make it through using some common sense. You apply the same rules here as you do when you're dating, and the chances are you're going to be fine.

 

Exactly... but as many here have wisely said, an open marriage isnt swinging and I think it's even harder to "get" how the dynamic works for many people. My wife and I are open and have been for over 10 years now, but have never tried actual swinging. It's just dating basically. It's as if you were single, but you're not. It's a strange thing, and it is clearly tricky all around, but it isn't like you are diving into a lunatic asylum crowded with socipaths blindfolded and naked... LOL

 

The thing with swinging is we've found that the likelihood of finding a couple we like that likes us as well is such a longshot its kind of exhausting. We keep things pretty no pressure. Also, like the guy above, she'd be weirded out with me in the room. Everyone is different. I'd say that *any* form of alternate lifestyle is *enormously* risky to your relationship if your relationship isn't built on a rock solid foundation. I'd also agree that "traditional" swinging seems like it would maybe be more rewarding all around it if "fits" for you. But there ARE those of us out there who are in this "other" category and we aren't all lying on a slab in the morgue... LOL...