Is open marriage easier in long-time relationships?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

This is not a poll; just a question. Do you think that open marriage is more likely to work for a couple in mid-life (or even older)?

[Chicup 41]

This is not a poll; just a question. Do you think that open marriage is more likely to work for a couple in mid-life (or even older)?

 

In purely my opinion, with no experience to back it up, I'd say yes. The longer your happy history together the better able to handle the emotions involved. My wife and I can handle playing alone, but we still have some criteria we follow before we do so, which is something I would not recommend for a young couple.

 

Perhaps though its not age, as much as experience (wisdom) in swinging.

 

Of course I still think its bad mojo but that is me.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I'm guessing a combination of maturity, a strong streak of altruism and a very specific sort of bond, rather than merely age, that makes open marriage work. We've both played separately and found it doable but challenging, even though we swing without any issues, so that may be skewing my viewpoint.

[grayfox42104 38]

It works great for Mrs grayfox42104 and I and we have been married for over 45 years. She decided that she really preferred the one on one approach and that it was stressful to her to meet new people for sex a lot, so she now has a regular Friend with Benefits and I have a free hall pass to do as I please plus I get to join them in a 3-way quiet often. And, it seems that we have sex much more often. Life is good.

[D&D 362]

Is there a difference between playing with a hall pass and having an open marriage?

 

I think age and a certain kind of mindset determine the likelihood of an open marriage being successful. But I've also noticed that having an open marriage or open relationship is more prevalent in the younger generation. I don't know if they are any more successful at pulling it off, but they are more understanding of these "alternative" lifestyle choices.

 

This brings me to a second question: what would count as a successful open marriage or any marriage for that matter? If a couple stays together for 20 years, raises a family, but grows apart was it successful? I tend to say yes. It seems the determination of success is taken to be never split up, but I think that bar is too high. I ask this because whether an open marriage works is kind of determined by what is meant by "working."

[Fours Company 169]

If "open marriage" is defined in the context of swinging, then we are firm believers in that a long-time and secure relationship is necessary.

There was a time we were very possessive of each other and I would get upset if I thought another man was even looking at Mrs. Fours. Hell, I would experience jealousy just thinking about a male doctor seeing her naked during an exam or birth. Looking back, those feelings seem both ridiculous and like I was a totally different person, but believe it was a necessary step to overcoming it.

 

It took us almost 14 years of being together to even think about swinging let alone attempting it and while we might have shaved off a few years, we still would have considered the whole concept foreign and distasteful during our early years for reasons already described. Time and familiarity was needed to overcome a strong emotion like jealousy and make it less important in our lives almost to the point of wondering what all the fuss was about.

 

Thus, while we know there are exceptions to every rule, we are still very skeptical of younger couples in the LS especially those only together a short time and/or not married. For us, one should have a long enough time together and with just each other, before even considering bringing others into the picture and anything less invites drama and the green-eyed monster.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

This is not a poll; just a question. Do you think that open marriage is more likely to work for a couple in mid-life (or even older)?

 

I've been keeping an eye on this post. Clearly, there are young couples and older couples that can't handle open marriages. I think age has nothing to do with it. I also think that the number of years that they have together might not be a good indicator. I think it all comes down to the experiences, wisdom, maturity, and mindset of both halves within the couple. Jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, possibly long-term and structured plans will work against any kind of open relationship. I see open relationships as being more fluid. They float between one person and another. Some have a deeper connection than others. But there might not really be a desire or need to commit long term to the point of integrating various partners into the deeper folds of family and life. If there was a more connection and desire to do so, I would consider that a poly relationship.

 

Whether it's an open or poly relationship though, I would say that being middle-aged or retired has no bearing on whether they are more likely to be successful in having an open marriage. There are marriages that have lasted 35+ years together and they still couldn't fathom being without each other or with other people. There are marriages between middle-aged persons where it is their 1st/2nd/3rd/4th marriage and they are still figuring out how to make their marriage and relationship work. There are young couples who have been in an open relationship since they began dating and still going strong in that direction. I'm inclined to say it's their mindset, their upbringing (or willingness to expand beyond it), maturity, how they view human connections, etc.

 

However, I will admit, when you said, "mid-life" my mind went to mid-life crisis...how often do open marriages stem from those? And how often do those work out?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

. . . This brings me to a second question: what would count as a successful open marriage or any marriage for that matter? If a couple stays together for 20 years, raises a family, but grows apart was it successful? . . .

I'll answer this second question first. Yes, this was a successful marriage. I think you've got it.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I'd say yes. It takes a lot more time and experience to develop the deeper level of trust (in each other, and in the relationship itself) to really handle swinging separately.

[rubenpal2 26]

I agree with Julie, Cathy and I have been married for 27 years and we have a level of trust we are content with, "give me your honest thoughts and communicate with me" is our key. That is what we have achieved, to us it is a continuing growing relationship. Cathy has had a FWB take her out & enjoy the evening in a hotel room together, with me knowing. Cathy prefers me to be with her, but she knows if the situation arises with her male friends and she feels comfortable, she knows she can do as she feels at that time, as long as she lets me know prior to it happening. And we're comfortable with that and that is what matters. Thanks for reading, Cathy and Ruben.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

In my opinion yes. I has to do with the trust and love that has built up over time. Not the high school first love or crush but the bonds and the shared experiences that have accumulated. It's a feeling that having sex with other people isn't going to erase that. We love each other. We don't want to get divorced. We just want to have sex with other people.

[sahajacpl 95]

This is not a poll; just a question. Do you think that open marriage is more likely

 

Perhaps, more likely to work for a mature couple. Yet, more and more younger (in their 30's) couples seem to be opting for open marriage. Case in point, one of our own, 32 year old Deb insisted and got an agreement with her fiancée to have an open marriage. She had had several boyfriends with whom she had dated and had sex freely before marriage. So, it depends upon the mindset rather than how long you have been married.