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XploreFun

Stop start stop road to swinging

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Hi,

 

It's been a while since I have posted here. Several months ago my wife and I started to discuss swinging. We watched some video, joined a website and had lots and lots of talking about all aspects of what it would be like. We even met up with another couple through the website. We agreed to get to know them first but they are temporarily moving out of the area until their house is renovated. So that has stalled. This whole experience however made us feel so alive, so close and without any barriers. Even after 20 solid happy years together.

 

The issue is this. We went overseas on holiday for a while and visited family a few months ago. Between that and work its stopped us talking about swinging. Now it's went right off the boil. We're not sure now.

 

I miss how we felt now. It was a real awakening which we both felt.

 

I (male) have been ahead in some things (internet, research etc) and my wife ahead in others (would prefer separate rooms). My wife also struggles with the idea of sharing photos of us but it happy to meet other people. That worried me that perhaps we weren't ready.

 

Were we just catching a glimpse of a life not meant for us? Are we following a journey that could yet lead to swinging?

I don't want to pursue something not for us but we were both so happy with our journey to swinging and I miss how even talking about it made us so close.

 

We both really love the idea of seeing each other with someone else. I think however we are both really nervous and scared to lose what we have.

 

Thoughts?

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We both really love the idea of seeing each other with someone else. I think however we are both really nervous and scared to lose what we have.

 

Thoughts?

 

You think it is because you are both nervous and scared or you know, because you've talked about it? If it's the former, I'd suggest you have that conversation and explore the reasons with your wife. Also, you might want to explore any fears you have. Are you scared to lose what you have? What would swinging potentially take away? What sort of swinging could you do that would relieve your fears? I'm sure there's a lot more the two of you could talk about, too.

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I know what you mean about how great communication becomes when you both admit that you would consider having sex with others. I think that couples feeling they need to keep their true lust for others a secret from their spouses, in consideration, is just the dishonesty with each other that causes friction. Swingers don't need to feel that way.

 

And I don't think that needing to concentrate on vanilla things, and putting aside non-vanilla things for a while, means that the non-vanilla things aren't for you. I'm sure others here will admit that we've all had times that we've put swinging to the side for other needs. It's not that unlike putting off a fun vacation if something needy for family or career pops up.

 

Wait until you're both relaxed and then bring it up again.

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What worries your wife about the pictures? We come across plenty of profiles that have g rated pictures. A picture in a bathing suit is more than adequate if she is nervous about the pictures getting out.

 

Also, it is entirely likely that the start, stop road will continue. ViSexual summed it up great and it's just the reality of things. We always talk about trying to find a min of two or three couples because we then have less down time between encounters. We are not really the club type of couple.

 

The last thing I will say is that you just need to relax. The only pressure is the pressure you put on yourselves. Take your time and do it right. I think that is an old SOS tune but I digress.

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Hmmm....

 

It took my partner and I three years of talking about fantasizing about swinging before we ever took the plunge.

 

And a suggestion.... start reading dan savage (sex advice columnist, savage love is the column) the wife and I read his weakly column out loud to one another. Then take turns answering the letter writers question before we read his answer. It a great low stakes way to start discussing sex and the alternative options because your not discussing your sex life. Your discussing a letter writers issues.

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Hi,

 

I have posted on here a few times a few months ago as my wife and I considered swinging. I wanted to givr an update and perhaps get some feedback. Alas our passion for swinging has fizzled before it got started. We both still love the fantasy. Somewhere along the way however the initial passion became replaced by doubt.

 

I too had my doubt but desire to discover was still stronger than fear of the unknown. Our willingness to discover more was in sync initially but I then became more keen. I felt that my engagement of media on the topic alone (eg this board) was a bit of a red flag that we were not experiencing this journey as a couple. When we talked about the swinging topic my wife was unsure so I dropped it completely. Other than fantasy we now don't discuss it much.

 

I would liked to have discovered more but its a journey for couples in my mind.

 

Has anyone had a similar experience? Did it go anywhere from here?

 

A.

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Hi, XploreFun. We didn't have the same experience but I wanted to commend you on your willingness and able-ness to step back when your wife felt unsure about trying out swinging. In doing so, your actions have shown her that you respect and care about her feelings and that has probably strengthened the bond and trust between you two. In the future, if you two do decide to try swinging, then she has been assured that you are doing this for the both of you--not just for you. Also, keep in mind that just because you two have put it on the back burner or put it aside completely, there are couples who take years to have their first experience after having their initial discussion about it. It's cliche to say it but it is in the journey not the destination for a couple to explore swinging.

 

With that said, many of the forum posters here are mainly from one half of a couple. There are a few couples who are both present in the forums but for the most part, one half of a couple isn't as interested in posting on the forum as the other half. For us, I ask Mr. Sun about certain posts from time to time or ask him about a certain topic that was brought up but in general, he doesn't have any interest in being a regular on the forum like I have (also, he's more of a Redditor).

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sunbuckus makes a good point about online activity. Some couples are online and doing the swinging thing as a team. Others are like us: I do 99% of the online stuff. Her online involvement is the occasional look over the shoulder, and to check out a pic or two if I see a couple we may be interested in. Like, a five second look, with a "yes" or "no". She knows several board members, and thinks dearly of them, but only through meet ups. Now, turn her loose at a club or party, and she's in her environment.

 

So, board involvement alone is not a reason to think of red flags. I would explore the reasons she is unsure, and go from there. Swinging may very well remain a fantasy for you two, and that's OK. Lots of couples check it out, learn the pros and cons, and decide it's not for them. I think that's a good thing.

 

So, where to go from here? Wherever the two of you decide. :)

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My husband has had a fantasy to do this since we got together 9 years ago....it took him up until 6 weeks ago to get me to say ok, lets try it! Give her her space, yet be open to talk to her about what scares her ect. We have talked, and talked, and talked, till I didn't wanna talk anymore....but somewhere along the way it got us here :)

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We had an opprtunity to swing in 1994, did not. 2004, did not . 2013, did. 2014, did a lot more. You never know.

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I think that the length of our lives is pretty appropriate. About the time we get sick of living, we die. With some aspects, like swinging, we really need our youth to last longer. We too talked about stuff, did a little stuff, never committed to really being in a sexual lifestyle until we were both nearly 50. Really too late to enjoy the best part of this. I wish I would have maybe talked about it a little stronger when we were in our 30s. Sometimes it's a catch 22. You love and trust this person so much that you can allow them to enjoy a fully taboo pleasure. You love this person so much that you would never dream of pushing them into something they didnt want to do. So we wait. We sometimes wait our whole life. Sometimes it just happens and it's great. I look at njbm and think, yea, 20 years gone. damn

And there you are Xplorfun, stressing over something that is the norm, only one person doing on line activities. J looks here at my posts and that's it, and rarely. I know man, I've been there. Wanting to talk about something and not knowing the words. Or knowing the words but not having the courage to take a risk with your relationship, so we keep quiet.

I guess this is bit depressing. Sorry bout that. This week I did make a decision for both of us. We won't be pursuing any lifestyle activities any more. Tough deal..I'd like to say "better to have swung and stopped, than to never have swung at all" Hmm, I don't know...lots to miss.

 

You have what sounds like a solid loving relationship. Something else fairly rare it seems. We always want more, don't we. It would be nice to just think, I love her, we are fine, we dont need this and if it happens, great.

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Thanks for the feedback everyone. MxCouple87 and njbm what changed for you that made you take the plunge?

 

We have been together over 20 years and love each other very much. We have enough trust to feel comfortable to share that the thought of sex with another would be nice without feeling bad about it. My wife worries that we have something too good to risk an experiment that could be bad.

 

Something interesting is that she has a very strong desire to watch me in action with another lady. That really excites her. A lot. She is only so, so about being with another man. Where I would love for her to experience another man. She has no interest in women herself for her its all about wanting to watch her man with a woman.

 

I will show her the responses on this post as I think the perspective of others who have taken the plunge is very helpful and reasssuring.

 

JandKinBoise why did you choose to end your lifestyle activities?

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Hi Petra here. The test whether to give swinging or non-monogamy a try is if it would irreparably harm anything; the test should not be whether you might not like it. We've have been to restaurants we didn't like and have taken vacations that didn't measure up, but we learn and still go to restaurants and take vacations. I've had sex with five men in my life. Hubby and I are in a closed poly foursome relationship now that opened up once for another couple, and I had two flings in my past. One of those early flings was not so great; actually it was bad (he dissed my hubby and just wanted to bum fuck every time). But one bad experience early on didn't stop me from trying it again, and where we are now makes it all worth it. Best of luck.

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Thanks for the feedback everyone. MxCouple87 and njbm what changed for you that made you take the plunge?

 

 

I've had just been insecure and jealous, didn't want to share him, and most of all I had never had casual sex, only meaningful in a relationship sex, I didn't think there was anyway to have sex, and not feel anything for someone....

So...we started with mfm 3 ways, so I could see, it was JUST sex! And it was! It was fun, awesome, and nothing more than that :) So once I saw that, I was willing to let my hubby try! A few things still get to me, and yes I am still kinda jealous here and there but...were in this together, we talk, he respects what I ask as far as boundaries right now, and I want to make it work. It will get better with time. I like the trust and respect in takes for a couple to do this! The all honesty, everything on the table! We're in this together, and I love the fun we get to have together! And in just 6 weeks, after 9 years of marriage, my husband and I have been like we were after meeting 9 years ago. We both have said we have a new found spark for one another! I am head over heals in love again, and our great sex we already had, has been absolutely amazing the last few weeks!!! We cant get enough of one another! I hope this helps :)

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So, in my past, I have been all over the board with this one.

 

My ex wife and I had discussed swinging a little when we were engaged, and tried once to contact another couple. Wasn't really going well so it was dropped. About two years into our marriage, she kind of got a crush (purely physical) on an open minded co-worker. We did a light threesome one night, but the guy went kind of crazy after it happened (found out had personal drug issues) and so it never progressed. Left kind of a bad taste in our mouths. Never really discussed swinging again (though a failed open marriage at the end, wasn't the only reason, but did help push along our divorce) But even that was 5 years later.

 

Two of my last relationships after that involved others, and they went okay, but both of them were situations where it was discussed early on in relationship, but not acted on until 6-9 months later.

 

Current relationships is kind of same.....were able to do a MFM early on but took a long time to get another girl involved.

 

On another thread, someone told me "Its about the journey". That's completely true. Get on the same page, take time, and this can be wonderful. Rush or do anything you think you will have an issue with, and it's not going to be worth it.

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It is a scary journey in the beginning and like most you'll probably flirt with the idea and withdraw as soon as it gets close. It may be that eventually something will gell and you'll move forward and do it. Or not!

 

Frankly there is nothing wrong with just using it as a fantasy to keep the libido up. The only real important thing is that you communicate with each other and share your honest feelings and expectations.

 

Remember journies take time!

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Thanks for the advice. I agree with the earlier point that it's not all about trying to eliminate the possibility of any negative experiences. That is bound to happen. It's more about ensuring you don't do any irrepreable harm.

 

MxCouple thank you so much for sharing your experience. That is a story that I think my wife might relate to. Wonderful too the positive experience it has brought you both.

 

I have always been a very 'fast' and energetic person. I love running and so does my mind. I think however I now grasp the fact that it is indeed a journey to be savoured. I think we keep talking about it without an end goal or plan in mind. Plans set expectations which I think can dampen the passion by adding pressure.

 

Our ability to get out and socialise is very limited at the moment due to kids and relocating to a remote location temporarily for work. Once we are back in the big smoke the opportunity to inch our journey along if we wish is much easier.

 

Whilst every journey will be different it really helps hearing that others have had a similar experience.

 

Thanks.

 

X

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