The Big Red Dragon (that time of the month) frustration

[OrlandoFLCouple 15]

Took the wife to an on-premise swing club last Saturday.

 

She was looking good and in a playful mood.

 

She neglects to tell me the big red dragon was in town until we were almost there.

 

Yes, she was on her period damn it.

 

She was hit on by two different women who wanted to give her oral as well as a black man that she would have played with.

 

We did get in the hot tub naked with another couple but alas, no sensual contact that night for anyone.

 

Has the 'big red dragon' as I call it ever put a damper on your playtime?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

As a practical-minded man, wanting to live a happy and trouble-free life, I stay a million miles away from any suggestion that this particular biological process influences an outcome of any kind.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

First I'll answer your question and then I'll speak my mind.

 

Yes, my period has affected our playtime in the past. There have been times when we were seeing a couple and decided as a foursome to keep things vanilla. Other times my husband full swapped and I gave oral. It was not ideal, but still gave me a lot of pleasure.

 

This is only speculation on my part, but perhaps your wife didn't tell you because your reaction is misogynistic and less than considerate about something she has no control over. I think you should try to be more empathetic. My husband has always been very cool about it. He wouldn't grouse about missing out on one night of play. Would you be mad at your wife if she felt sick and didn't want to play or if she sprained her ankle and didn't want to play or just wasn't in the mood? Why is having her period any different or any big deal? It's a part of life and being a woman, not a curse or a dragon.

 

That said, you might want to check out the thread about the Instead cup and sea sponges together. It might give the two of you more options next time.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

First, I'd like to give a rousing cheer to funcoupledayton's response, because she named precisely what bothered me about your post.

 

I had a hysterectomy prior to encountering swinging, so my cycle never got in the way of playtime. When it has been other playmates, I've been fine with giving oral or manual stimulation, regardless, because I do remember how my libido went through the roof when I had my period and I'm not particularly squeamish.

[ref2018 29]

Although I have not experienced this issue within a swinger-y context, i HAVE postponed sexy-times because of it.

 

It's ONE DAY out of HOW many? OK, perhaps it's more than one day and it happens more than once or twice a year... but for real: it's just sex. there will be other opportunities to do it. It isn't like everyone is going to use up all the sex and there won't be any left over for you next time. You have your whole life ahead of you (barring unexpcted or sudden death or severe illness, which I do not wish on anyone at this time).

[sunbuckus 3,567]

We work around that time of the month. Mr. Sun has no problem working our swinging schedule around it. Is it a little disappointing to both of us that my period falls on the same weekend as a party that looks fun? Sure but it happens. And since I keep track of when I have my period, we have a good grasp of when to expect the next cycle. I know that when we were first new to swinging, it felt like a bigger bummer to be missing out on things or if certain things didn't happen because we were so excited and eager. Now that we're more established and have gained more experience, it doesn't really feel like there's a rush to "try everything at a buffet", as someone once said on the forum.

[Chicup 41]

We have perfect timing for a swinging weekend this coming weekend. No kids, nothing major to do, all the major holidays behind us, but... guess what time of the month it is!

 

Yeah it gets in the way, but it is what it is, you roll with it like anything else.

[OrlandoFLCouple 15]

The only thing I was mad about was going to a swinger club, paying the 'donation' ($40) and not being able to play (if she doesn't play I don't play, part of our rules). She could have told me prior to us getting in the car and driving 45 miles to the woods to stand around and talk to people all night.

 

Oh and there was paying the babysitter for 6 hours.

 

On the bright side, we did watch a woman entertain 3 men in the orgy room, I smoked a fine cigar and drank some nice quality beer while standing in the middle of the Central Florida wilderness on a warm December evening.

 

Perhaps I should have been more suggestive regarding some manual manipulation options but she makes all the rules in this activity of ours.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I understand about not wanting to "waste" money but, in my opinion, you're seeing this situation in a negative light. Did you get to spend a kid-free, adult night with your wife? Did you enjoy yourself? If you put an expectation to play whenever you go out, then there will surely be outings where you get disappointed and upset. Don't expect to play every time you go out. Have the simple expectation of having some alone time with your wife and you'll at least have met that expectation.

 

Also, I am wondering how strong the communication is between you two if your wife is unable, for whatever reason, to talk to you about having her period.

[MidWestMan 33]

Also, I am wondering how strong the communication is between you two if your wife is unable, for whatever reason, to talk to you about having her period.

 

Along the same line of thinking, Mrs MidWestMan has a change in her natural odor when she is getting close to that time of the month. So, even if I forget when she last had her monthly guest, I can tell when it's on the way just by being close to her.

 

Mrs and I don't necessarily talk about her period, unless it's somehow unusual (early, late, especially crampy, etc) so I can empathize with OP not actively discussing it on a regular basis.

 

However, I'm wondering if your trip to the club was a surprise or something where your wife didn't realize what was on your agenda?

[ref2018 29]

The only thing I was mad about was going to a swinger club, paying the 'donation' ($40) and not being able to play (if she doesn't play I don't play, part of our rules). She could have told me prior to us getting in the car and driving 45 miles to the woods to stand around and talk to people all night.

 

Oh and there was paying the babysitter for 6 hours.

 

On the bright side, we did watch a woman entertain 3 men in the orgy room, I smoked a fine cigar and drank some nice quality beer while standing in the middle of the Central Florida wilderness on a warm December evening.

 

Perhaps I should have been more suggestive regarding some manual manipulation options but she makes all the rules in this activity of ours.

 

Oh ok. With that new information, i know exactly what's going on here. The OP's wife wanted to go to the event and was either okay with not playing or was not in the mood to play but was interested in getting out of the house and socializing. She knew it was her call but also knows you would have been um, apologies if this sounds offensive, a cheapskate about it if she told you sooner. Perhaps she was looking forward to this and got her period a day or two sooner than expected, and didn't want to let it ruin her good time the way you let it ruin yours.

 

What about having sex with her yourself when "the dragon" is "in town". If i had to guess, going by the euphemism you chose, i would suspect that you eschew contact with your wife 's vagina during the "dragon's visits". I am not going to judge you for that, but i am going to lecture you that this is not an issue with her having her period, it's a sign that the terms you have agreed to are not working for the two of you and it's time to talk like grownups and re-evaluate how to move forward in a way that both your needs are met without this kind of real-time manipulation.

 

That said, these types of stories just remind me how much i don't miss having my period.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

On the bright side, we did watch a woman entertain 3 men in the orgy room, I smoked a fine cigar and drank some nice quality beer while standing in the middle of the Central Florida wilderness on a warm December evening.

 

You experienced something that maybe 95% of married males will never, ever experience, and only dream about as a wildest fantasy. This is what you consider a bad experience?

 

A couple of suggestions:

1. Drop the "Dragon" reference. It's a period, or menses. It happens every month, and even though it doesn't give a damn what your plans are, it isn't that big of a deal.

2. Stop going to these events with expectations. Expecting to play on a date night usually leads to disappointment, period or no period.

3. Apologize to your wife for being upset about this. It probably frustrated her too. I know that when Mrs two4you had a period that coincided with a party night, she was far more frustrated by it than I ever was. No need to add to her disappointment by making her feel guilty over a natural biological function.

 

If the two of you stay active in swinging, this will happen again. We went three years without a glitch, then we hit a run where it seemed to hit every time for a few months. We laughed it off, enjoyed those nights by making good contacts for future 2-on-2 meetups, and spending time with friends. And yes, we did occasionally play as much as possible on some of those nights. As I recall, one of her favorites took her to the shower and had fun anyway.

 

Good luck to you both!

[OrlandoFLCouple 15]

ok, guess I should type more clearly or something. A lot of semi-judgemental opinions being slung here towards me.

 

For the record I suppose I need to state what my expectations are when I go to a swingers club. I dont expect to play every time, I dont demand anything.

 

We have been married 22 years and I think if we didn't communicate well we wouldn't have lasted so long together.

 

The 'red dragon' reference I have used once during those 22 years. I should have typed it here in HUMOR font. And no, we don't tend to make a topic out of period time. If I see the tampon box sitting on top of the toilet I know its currently happening and I should not have intercourse for a week or so with her (a few times that hasn't stopped me either).

 

She didn't think it would be an evening deal breaker I suppose and it wasn't. I didn't mope around the swing club or make some scene as a couple of you are very incorrectly assuming.

 

However for the $40 spent plus gasoline I would have preferred to go to see a movie instead.

 

And also for the record I don't beat or berate my wife and treat her poorly.

 

Amazing what everyone got from my postings on this topic.

[ref2018 29]

And also for the record I don't beat or berate my wife and treat her poorly.

 

Amazing what everyone got from my postings on this topic.

 

That's comforting.

 

I didn't see where someone said you did any of those things. All the responses I have read addressed specific things you wrote. There is a HUGE difference between being in an abusive relationship and having an immature attitude about menstrual cycles, and unless some posts have been deleted, I don't think anyone has confused those two things here.

 

I am now marginally curious about what your wife would have to say in this thread.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

We have been married 22 years and I think if we didn't communicate well we wouldn't have lasted so long together.

 

To me, the "we've been together for x amount of years so we have great communication" doesn't fly with me. My parents have been together for 30+ years and their communication with each other is terrible. But I will say that everyone's opinion of what great communication differs. What one person thinks is great is another person's terrible.

 

Being a person who likes to be somewhat organized, planned, and have things scheduled, I put down on my calendar when I start my period so that that I can keep track of it...for several reasons. One of them being that I can understand why I feel like every little thing is driving me nuts a week before (not to mention why I feel extremely fatigued). Another reason is so we can know weeks ahead that a certain weekend is probably off limits in terms of going out to swing. To me, I just can't wrap my head around the possibility of not doing it this way and having my period "sneak up" on me. Heck, my period came a day earlier this time (which I'm actually grateful for) but it still came in the general time period. I was mentally prepared that I would have the Big Red Dragon during Christmas and was actually dreading that the heavy day would actually fall on Christmas--which is why I was happy it came a day earlier.

 

I shared your thread with Mr. Sun and we both could understand being a bit upset about having this information sprung up at the last moment while on the way to the club but as I stated about communication and knowing my period's schedule, springing this sort of thing to Mr. Sun would just be odd. Even when we first started dating, I was open with Mr. Sun when Aunt Flo would be visiting so that he could have some extra towels ready. Does Mr. Sun hear about my bodily functions more than he probably would like? Perhaps. But I also know more about his than he would probably like but that's just how it is because we're married and these bodily functions are just natural.

 

A lot of semi-judgemental opinions being slung here towards me.

 

And also for the record I don't beat or berate my wife and treat her poorly.

 

Amazing what everyone got from my postings on this topic.

 

I don't think anyone who has posted has done so to be cruel and they certainly don't imply that you physically or verbally abuse your wife. I think the majority of us are trying to figure out--and offer reasons--why something as simple as telling your spouse about being on the "Big Red Dragon" seems to be a problem for your wife. As ref2018 stated, we're only getting your side. It would help to clear things up to hear your wife's side. Have you talked to your wife about being more in the know in regards to when her period comes? Does it comes on a regular cycle? Perhaps share this thread with her.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

A lot of semi-judgemental opinions being slung here towards me.

 

For the record I suppose I need to state what my expectations are when I go to a swingers club. I dont expect to play every time, I dont demand anything.

 

When you say something and you get a lot of answers back that reflect something unexpected, it's unlikely that it's because a bunch of independent, very different people completely misunderstood you. In this particular case, you posted in the Bad Experiences forum. You had a lot of different choices (and, in fact, at some point your thread will likely be moved to somewhere more appropriate), but you selected the place where stories of poor swinging interactions live. But in this case, the antagonist wasn't the couple who threw glasses at each other or decided in the middle of things that swinging wasn't for them. Nope, it was your wife.

 

From your first post:

 

She neglects to tell me the big red dragon was in town until we were almost there.

 

Yes, she was on her period damn it.

 

That is definitely a mad face smiley. Yes, you explain it later, but you do so in a way that once again makes you the victim. You went to a club and weren't able to play, according to this:

 

The only thing I was mad about was going to a swinger club, paying the 'donation' ($40) and not being able to play (if she doesn't play I don't play, part of our rules). She could have told me prior to us getting in the car and driving 45 miles to the woods to stand around and talk to people all night.

 

Oh and there was paying the babysitter for 6 hours.

 

If you don't expect to play every time you go to a club, what difference does it make if your wife has her period or not? Or, at least, in what way does it make such a difference that it qualifies as bad experience?

 

Will you at least consider the idea that the way you've framed your initial post and subsequent responses has a great deal to do with what strangers on the internet are saying to you? And that, perhaps, what you're rolling your eyes over might actually be some appropriate reactions to what we know of you?

[ref2018 29]

I realize hindsight is either 20/20 or double-zero/double-zero, but if I had been the OP I would have said immediately upon discovering the "dragon", "Hon, when did that start? Why didn't you tell me before now?"

 

After 22 years of marriage, with fabulous communication, you can't just say that? You can fuck strangers in front of each other but you can't say "why didn't you tell me you have your period?" These are not questions to be answered to me, these are questions to ask yourself.

 

And WRT people drawing conclusions without knowing everything you've ever been through and how you live your life and how you became the person you are today that we know nothing about and are semi-judging you for: It helps to remember that when you participate on a public message board such as this one, ESPECIALLY one such as this where the topic is something personal such as sex and relationships, you get a lot of answers and some of them might not apply to you. However, there are many other folks reading who may find value in that which you feel is irrelevant. I have observed (having served as a moderator on a forum somewhat similar to this one) that blunt, unbiased, tough-to-hear advice is often listened to and used when people read it not directed at them. In other words, just because the OP of this thread is back-pedaling and doing the "internet was mean to me onoez" routine, doesn't mean there aren't 10 other people reading this who just went through the same thing thinking, "wow, i need to pull my head out of my ass, like, yesterday."

[Chicup 41]

I have to say I did get a somewhat "hostile" vibe to the op.

 

Yes his wife should have said something. Mine does.

 

I wouldn't want to think of it though as wasted time, but expectations should be set prior to going.

[ref2018 29]

I am satisfied that the OP's wife purposely didn't say she was on the rag until they got there because she knew he would want to go to a movie instead and she wanted to go to this swingery event. I would also guess that this kind of passive-aggressive manipulation is something that goes on all the time in their relationship and is so incorporated into the dynamic that it goes unnoticed the majority of the time. Remember, what people describe as "passive aggressive" on the internet is not REALLY what passive-aggressive is. Passive-aggressive is when a person appears to agree or pretends they are ok with something in order to get you off their case, then goes and does whatever they want to do anyway. For many people, this type of system "works" because both partners' motivations for being that way compliment each other. There is nothing wrong with co-dependency if it's working for all parties involved. It seems as though it's been working for the OP for 22 years, and now the swinging has created a context where passive-aggressive communication is no longer getting the kind of results that satisfy both partners.

 

None of this means anyone is "the bad guy", it means you need to figure out what is really going on and deal with it. The way it looks from the outside is as though you're trying to fix the legs of a chair when it's the seat that's broken.

[81lizard69 470]

Wow.. I read and re read this over and over.

 

I can safely say, yes. The Red Dragon has put a damper on our play time. I have had to redo my plans several times. I would like to add that sometimes women that hare menstruating can be challenging to be around. I grew up with lots of sisters and lived in a large coed house during my college years. Some women go through alot when the flow arrives.. cramps bloating moodiness. Never eat the last of anything around said women.. and be careful what you post about it. Sounds to me like you did have a good time at a swinger club with your wife and that she may not be ready to swing. Communication is key. Not telling you till you were just about there may have been her way of telling you she did not want to swing. I don't know there is not alot of information here.

 

I would like to add that some of these replies are mean. We do not have enough info on the couple to make some of the judgement that were made. They seem more like mean spirited assumptions than useful advice.

 

I hear a guy that was frustrated and was looking for a little sympathy for the miscommunication he and his wife were having that evening. That is all we know about this moment that they shared with us.

 

Florida dude/couple. I stand with you when I say out loud. I feel you pain.. and, like you, don't always understand what just happened. Its a crazy mixed up world when God made women and threw in the menses twist. It keeps me on my toes and sharpens my relationship skills when things like this happen. I might have posted up a little differently than you.

 

We keep a calendar that tracks my wife's period she is getting older and menopause is coming. We do it for our knowledge of her health so if a Dr. asks when was the last her last period my wife can answer accurately. We mark on each day when it starts till it ends. This information is useful in alot of other ways. wink wink.

 

I just tell myself that I am not here to judge. Just to share my experience and what works for me.

 

Oh and just because you got flamed on this post it does not mean that all your posts will be flamed. Just this one. learn live and share this with the next guy so he wont have to go through this..

[tribbles 490]

Did you talk with your wife about why she wanted to go to the party when she had her period?

 

She must have been thinking something very different from you and SHE is the one you need to talk to.

 

You wanted to play or go to a movie. She found a way to have a social night out with no sex. Thats not an accident.

 

I'd say talk more with each other.

[SwingSetWife 444]

We stay away from swinging during that time of the month, but I have to say, I couldn't see myself keeping my period from my husband. It usually goes something like this- "I'm on my period and horny; put on your hazmat suit." TMI? ...IDC :P