Finding a gf/wife who is a swinger

[nitro2u2 17]

I'm a 27 yo male and Im excited about swinging with my gf. Never done it but I think it's exciting.

My current gf is not extremely keen on such things and it may take a long time before she is ready.

 

Knowing that things like swinging is what turns me on a lot, should I still marry someone who is not a swinger or should I keep looking for a gf and potential wife who is up for swinging?

 

I think it will be ideal I find someone with the same kinky interests, but how do I find such a girl and potential partner?

[2good4better 35]

There are a lot of things to consider before you ask someone to marry you. I wouldn't consider the possibility of swinging to be high on that list. Of greater consideration is that you will potentially spend the rest of your life with this person. Focus on compatibility and communication.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

Glad to have you here at The Swingersboard.

 

I will not try to speak on the behalf of others but only for me. If I once again found myself in a situation (heaven forbid) where I was looking for a life's partner, an interest in swing would not be the top selection factor. In my present married relationship, swing is a very nice benefit -- but not a driving force.

 

My advice -- find the girl of your dreams and make yourself happy. If she happens to be interested on swing, all the better for the both of you. You can make swing a lifestyle but you cannot make a life of swing.

[Chicup 41]

I found a girl who was interested in swinging and didn't know it, but then again I was a guy who was interested in swinging and didn't know it.

 

I think unless you find someone who was already "lifestyle" even those who would be interested in it, may not be in a place mentally to do so. I personally think swinging is something for a "mature" relationship, meaning you KNOW each other inside and out before you introduce it to a relationship.

 

Now as a long term swinger, I wouldn't have to wait quite so long to become a swinger with a new partner were that to happen but SHE might. While some people have met through swinging and married happily, a few on this board if I recall, its not the norm, nor would I recommend that as a route.

 

Now if I were looking for a potential swinger, I'd try to find someone who is open sexually, with minimal hang ups, who hasn't been hurt by cheating, and seems to like women

 

Still I'd keep swinging a low priority. Had I tried it early on in my relationship, I can't say for sure how it would have gone, but there is a good chance that a 20+ year relationship we have had would never have happened.

[ViSexual 1,008]

I think that compatibility areas include being sexual adverturous. Maybe not wanting to swing but certainly being daring and pushing the envelope. It's possibly as important to a long term, happy, relationship as religion, political views or desire for children. Just my opinion.

[Fundamental Law 2,882]

What matters in a lifelong relationship is the fact that it is lifelong. What sustains it are three attributes and one attitude.

 

The three attributes are trust, communication and emotional intimacy. Trust meaning that you will always have each other's back, no matter what. Communication meaning that you never shut the other out or down. Emotional intimacy meaning that you will bare your souls to one another and be comforted doing so.

 

The attitude is that you take genuine joy in the other's happiness, success and pleasure, even when you do not have the same happiness, success and pleasure. This is called compersion.

 

 

If you have these, then the adventures of life will be full. And whether they do or do not include swinging at a particular time in those adventures is unimportant.

[81lizard69 470]

I would ask myself what are my motives for getting married are. A wife with a house a career and kids really does put a damper on ones sex life. Ask any one here that has children. Pregnancy will put a huge damper on the libido for a while. My wife and I did not start out as swingers we married each other and never thought about sex with others in the beginning. We took a class on tantric sex and that sort of opened the door.

 

My wife and I are more lick Chicup where we accidentally fell into swinging. But once we decided to we both used the communication skills we learned from tantra and marriage counselling classes we took together. We made it a hobby to go to as many marriage help things as we can.. Its fun to really learn the skill of communicating.. That means listening and actually doing what you say you will and what your spouse asks of you as well... Good luck with this.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I'm going to go against the tide here and say that if swinging (or any other form of non-monogamy) and kink are necessary to you, then it should something you discuss before getting into a relationship, maybe even call it a deal breaker. The dividing line, though, is necessity. If swinging is just something you think might be cool, then it doesn't need to be a priority that you need to bring up in the getting to know you stage. If it's part of who you are, then that's a very different thing and it should be discussed with any potential partners.

 

I think there are a lot of open people out there who, even if they wouldn't investigate kink or swinging on their own, would be interested in pursuing it with a partner.

[Fours Company 169]

Let me start off by asking the simple questions of "Do you love this woman?" and if yes: "What is it (putting aside anything LS-related) you love about her?"

Those answers are what you should be focusing on when making a decision about who you want to spend the rest of your life with, not if and when she will be a willing participant in swinging.

 

In our situation, we got married and made a life together for many reasons, that while I'll not go into, other then to say they had nothing to do with swinging. The LS in fact was not only not on our radar back then, but took us almost 14 years into it before we even thought about and discussed bringing others into something that had been previously reserved for just between us. Like others have mentioned already, neither of us realized we were future swingers when we got together as it was something that developed afterward and just happened. In fact, there has been so much more to our relationship then swinging that as fun as the LS has been, we would still chose to marry each other all over again even if the deal was swinging would never be a part of it the second time.

 

Since I'm assuming you are being serious about choosing a life partner based primarily upon that mate's willingness to swing, I'm going to have to be the one who takes the blunt approach here and thus conclude that perhaps you are neither ready for the LS or marriage. Though I know there are some couples that have proven the exception, but for the most part IMO one must have a certain mature and solid relationship to be successful in the LS and that usually entails one of a certain length and a willingness to accept the other person's comfort levels including the fact they might not ever do what you would like them to and that should not wipe out everything else you have with them. You're assuming that just because your girlfriend is as you say "not a swinger" now (though you can't be what you've never done), that she'll never come around to the idea maybe with more trust that a few more years together would entail such as it was with us.

 

To use your girlfriend's reluctance as the main criteria in marrying her and thinking that if she doesn't come around you'll just look else where seems to smack of manipulation and potential future drama and quite frankly if I was her and given that ultimatum, you wouldn't have to worry about making that decision, since I would already have made it for you.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

At the point you are in your life, I certainly wouldn't use swinging as any sort of deciding factor. All of the traits mentioned by other posters are what makes a good relationship, and not coincidentally, are also factors that need to be there to be successful at swinging. Not that every relationship that has those factors is a swinging one, far from it in fact, but if you have those things with someone, then at some point in time your relationship may get to the point where you both are interested in swinging, or maybe not, but either way it will be a happy relationship.

 

You yourself find the IDEA of swinging to be exciting, but don't have any actual experience with it. What happens for you personally if after you do start to swing reality doesn't jive with expectations? I'd compare it to selecting a mate based on any other hobby, say skydiving. Maybe you think skydiving sounds really exciting and fun and you want to make it part of your life. So, you date only people who think it sounds fun and exciting too. But, then you find out that skydiving actually scares the crap out of you and your first time was the last time. If a big part of your initial attraction to one another was your shared interested in trying skydiving, then you may have problems.

 

The only time I see swinging as being a factor might be for someone a little older who has lots of experience with it and know for a fact they want to keep it as an important part of their life. In that case, only makes sense to try to find someone at least open to that particular part of your life. Back to the skydiving thing, if you have been doing it for 30 years and it's a big part of you, then giving that up for someone who not only doesn't want to do it themselves but fears you doing it too, then that may cause problems. For some, swinging may be that big of part of them, for others, not.

[Chicup 41]

I'm going to go against the tide here and say that if swinging (or any other form of non-monogamy) and kink are necessary to you, then it should something you discuss before getting into a relationship, maybe even call it a deal breaker. The dividing line, though, is necessity. If swinging is just something you think might be cool, then it doesn't need to be a priority that you need to bring up in the getting to know you stage. If it's part of who you are, then that's a very different thing and it should be discussed with any potential partners.

 

I think there are a lot of open people out there who, even if they wouldn't investigate kink or swinging on their own, would be interested in pursuing it with a partner.

 

I think if on my own, I wouldn't have to really "seek" out a partner into what I was into, I'd know pretty quick and sort them out easily. Thats the voice of experience though. My guess is a lot of the "how do I get my wife to swing" posts are due to men discovering the idea of swinging through pornography and online searches, realizing that its actually an option in life, not just rumors at the backyard BBQ, and now having no idea how to proceed being it was never a topic in their marriage.

 

I know if I was looking for a partner, she would be interested in this sort of thing, because thats the sort of person I'd be interested in if you follow me.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I know if I was looking for a partner, she would be interested in this sort of thing, because thats the sort of person I'd be interested in if you follow me.

 

I get that. That is my thought as well.

[intuition897 2,179]

You've gotten some really good advice here. I'll add my two cents, too. I think maybe you just need to rephrase your intentions. If you haven't actually tried swinging yet, you can't really know for certain whether or not it's for you. You might think it is, but it's one of those experiences in life that tends to bite you in the ass if you make any assumptions about it beforehand. I would suggest that you let your girlfriend (or any future girlfriends) know that you are a sexually adventurous person, and that this aspect of your personality will make itself known in your relationship. This is important to you, and you want to be honest with her about this part of yourself...because honesty and trust are the most important parts of a relationship, right? Being honest about it shows respect for her right to decide for herself what is or is not right for her, and it honours the truth about who and what you really are. You should maybe let her know that, yes, you're currently interested in swinging (and explain why that is, and why she should not feel threatened by that!), but you don't know yet if it's your thing. You're hoping to explore all aspects of your sexuality - and hers - together as a couple, whatever that might mean.

 

I wouldn't get too hung up on whether or not you actually get your swinging badge. It's fun, but it's not as fulfilling for some as it is for others. Just keep your eye on the ball: having fun together. If it's not fun for both of you, it's just not fun.

[confused12524 201]

Only you know for sure but I'm taking the opposite view of many.

First, you need to really.....really...figure out how important swinging is to you.

To some, its a nice take it or leave it thing. To others its part of who they are.

 

Compatible sexuality in my opinion is a HUGE if not #1 factor in a relationship.

 

Making a lifelong commitment to someone who doesn't share your sexual interests will be disaster.

You will have resentment seeing others doing what you want to do and you're stuck.

 

I've written about my experience with this. It has been a huge battle to deal with for me and my wife. We started off as very sexually open and were into swinging. Over the years my interest and desire has increased, while hers has diminished.

 

Most guys would live to hear "I only want you" but that's a depressing phrase for me to hear.

 

With a baby and responsibility I've had to "grow up" and assume the role. And while swinging is no longer the obsession for me that it once was I do have many private moments of depression

 

We have an otherwise perfect relationship. Even closer now that I have dropped the topic for many months. We don't have that friction anymore.

 

But the truth is, none of that went away. I simply surpress it because society tells me I need to.

 

so while 90% of everything is great, so much better than any couple we've met.....that 10% does hang on me

[Chicup 41]

Most guys would live to hear "I only need you" but that's a depressing phrase for me to hear.

 

Need and want are different things

 

I'm quite happy I am all my wife needs, swinging is just bonus.

[robel12550 31]

If you have a burning desire to explore various activities, be it swinging or zip lines or sky diving, and your SO doesn't have the same desires, then you're not really going to have a "happy" long term relationship. The biggest problem is that practically any other activity outside of those that involve sex will probably be "acceptable" to the majority of SO's out there. Sex always seems to be the ultimate problem (besides money).

 

You might want to find a woman from a culture (if it exists) that doesn't have such a hang up on sex if your current SO isn't conducive to the idea. But NOW is the time to bring it up and find out the feelings involved in it. And if it is truly germane to your future desires, it might be a good idea to engage in it NOW instead of waiting 10, 20, 30 years and finding a closed mind at the end of the dinner table.

 

Best of luck!

[YouAreBootiful 15]

Swinging is very low on my own list, I believe it should be an added benefit. Unfortunately, this is not the case for my SO, swinging is very high up on that list and if I were to say I never wanted to swing again, it would be the end of our relationship.

 

It's all up to you and how important it is for you.

[YouAreBootiful 15]

There is some pretty solid advice in this thread. Just to reiterate, sexual compatibility is a HUGE factor in relationships, so if swinging is super important to you, then you should probably find a like-minded lady or you will not be 100% satisfied in your relationship.

 

I personally put swinging very low on my list. My SO, on the other hand places swinging very high, so if I was unwilling to swing it essentially would have been the end of our relationship somewhere down the road.

[confused12524 201]

The last two posts really nail it. I've written about my experience and its quite a struggle. Many would say that its not a big deal and just enjoy your relationship. I go back and forth. On one hand I have a marriage that most would kill for. Great in every way. On the flip side I can't control my thoughts and desires.

 

Its such a helpless feeling to know you don't want to give up what you have and at the same time know you are giving up something very important to you.

 

In my situation we were "in" then gradually got "out".

 

I knew before we started dating years ago that this was important to me and I made sure to convey that right from the start.

 

Unfortunately you can't control what happens down the road.

 

Now 10+ years later I'm married with a kid and my desire for fun is stronger than ever. She's not even remotely interested.

 

You can compromise on almost anything in a relationship. But not this. You can't ask someone to compromise on something that involves their body.

[DigginIt 1,132]

So I'm a little late to this thread but my take is this:

 

You are excited about the idea but you have never done it. Most people have this fantasy about what swinging is and what it's going to be like and the reality is a mixed bag. Often it fails to live up to expectations but occasionally it's incredible. What you have to understand is that when you really fall deep in love and that emotional bond solidify's. It's not some girlfriend that is having sex with other men, it's your wife and at 27 years old, I'm often doubtful of men's ability to grasp that. What if you decided you can't but now you are with someone who may or may not want to stop if you ever decide to.

 

It's a Pandora's box and it will change your relationship. Stick with love and go from there. Seriously, the question should be can you stay with your wife forever rather than can you stay with your wife if she doesn't.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here: "May you live in interesting times." Ancient Chinese Curse

 

Here's my story. When Ed and I met he asked me out. I explained that I was non-monogamous. He said until there was at least a ring on my finger I should be able to do as I pleased. He simply asked that I be discrete about it. Other than a couple of moments when he popped but and I was freshly disheveled from a romp, I was. At the time I was playing with my fair share of couples and the occasional house party. When Ed asked me to marry him, it came with a request to not Swing any longer and be monogamous. To me, it was totally worth it. While this choice certainly disappointed a few playmates, with Ed in my life, sexual play with others was no longer all that relevant to me.

 

After a month Ed asked if I missed Swinging. I explained no and I think he truly understood the sincerity of my words in that moment. Swinging was no longer a threat and he asked to try it. I think it's even in the stories section, but you'll have to go way back into it. Well, we had two of my favorite couples over, I did not hold back at all and even arranged for my gal pal to have his cock enter her, as her husband entered me, so Ed broke into Swinging with a simultaneous fuck. We've been playing ever since, but it's because we both want to. If he ever were to change his mind , that would be fine, because it's an adventure only to be taken as part of our marriage.

 

Right now Swinging is a fantasy for you and fantasies often have little do with reality. That's why only a small percentage of people Swing. We do it , because or us, it enhances the experience of life. For most people, it would diminish their lives. That's neither good or bad, it's simply is.

 

You have a marriage and a child. As a monogamous, vanilla friend once said,"I don't care if the woman can suck a golf ball through a garden hose, it's not worth divorcing my wife and becoming a weekend Dad to my child."

 

That being said, you have to own who you are. Yet, what you own , so far, is a fantasy ideal. Be careful or you'll end up on the rocks, thinking you had clear sailing.

[4us2 65]

I think if you find someone with the same interests is great. But not a deal breaker. The true prize is finding someone that loves you as much as you love them if not more.