Frustrated about finding a compatible couple to swing with

[sccple29073 15]

Does anyone ever get frustrated? I know similar topics have come up about this and maybe I am just posting to rant..lol. But we are feeling extremely frustrated in finding people.

 

I have been actively bi for a little over 2 years and hubby and I have decided to try swinging (a few attempts, noted in another post). Now our biggest problem (and maybe it's something to do with us being new to swinging) is that we are looking for a couple that we can "play" with on a on-going basis, exclusively. But it just seems everyone we have met so far is more into one-night stands.

 

My questions are:

1) Is "this couple" as rare as single bi-females looking for couples.

2) Does everyone start out looking for this?

3) Could it be us?

 

Thanks in advance for any comments or suggestions.

[Alura 2,774]

If it's "just" you, it's "just" us, too. We've been playing for most of our 20+ years together and only with one couple at a time, five in all.

 

If you choose to play that way, as we do, you have to resign yourselves to long searches between couples. It's well worth the time involved.

[Chicup 41]

We are the same way. It took us months to find the first couple to hook up with and a year+ to find one we really clicked well with.

 

The first we thought we thought were 'it' we played with a few times, full swapped, and then they sent us a dear john and jane email.

 

Months later we found a couple which with we have a lot in common with and have really hit it off.

 

All I can say is don't rush it, no point in lowering your standards out of frustration.

[RnKin Fla 15]

We agree, it is very difficult to find "that" couple. *sigh* We thought we had found a single female to play with on a regular basis, one of our long time friends, but she turned out to be not what she said. Good luck with your search!

[sportync 20]

Alura, although Mrs. Sporty and I have been to gether 20 years as well, we have only been active recently except a 1-niter with another girl early on. But, like the rest of you, we are also looking for that one couple that clicks, and that you can feel safe and comfortable with. It's not about notches on the bed-post, or a hot new piece that you haven't tried yet...it's about eroticism and fantasy-fulfillment and enlarging the scope of your marriage to include sexy people you are close to and trust. Your marriage is well worth investing enough time to fine the right people, not just new people. Take all the time you need and until then, fantasize what you will do together when you finally do find them. It wouldn't hurt to write some of them down, so that when you do find the right couple, you can share them and then perhaps fulfill them. Sportync

[sueandmark 15]

Originally posted by sportync:

It's not about notches on the bed-post, or a hot new piece that you haven't tried yet...it's about eroticism and fantasy-fulfillment and enlarging the scope of your marriage to include sexy people you are close to and trust.

I would disagree with this part of your quote. Swinging is whatever you and your partner want it to be. Some people like having just one couple to play with; others like playing with many couples (essentially one night stands). As long as there is no deceit towards another couple, to each his own

[OhioCouple 40]

Rather than be frustrated, think of it as the same sort of search that you probably did for your spouse. Someone who is compatible, shares your likes and dislikes and with whom you

immensly enjoy their company.

 

Finding that special couple is going to be as difficult as your mate was to find. Granted we are talking about two different levels of emotions here, but regardless the solution is the same.

 

You may find yourself going through dozens of meetings, sifting through profiles and endless email and chat. Eventually though you will come up with what you are looking for. Do not settle for anything less than what you are seeking. Patience is the key.

 

Lori

[SwingerSet 15]

We also search for that elusive couple that we can spend time with in and out of the bedroom. But instead of looking at as a frustration we try and enjoy the search, the flirting and sexual tension. yes we do end up with one night stands, which we take as a learning experience. We do have friends that we have played with many times but by no means are exclusive to us. Finding two people that are sexual matches is harder than finding a needle in a hay stack. So take your time and enjoy the search and have fun

[OhioCouple 40]

There have been a few questions lately about the frustration in finding the right couple and the length of time to do so. Perhaps we can get a few more response to this which may really help a lot of our new members know that it isn't unusual at all, actually quite common.

 

Lori

[JamesTKirk 15]

Hi,

 

Yes, my wife and I have the same problem. I am generally more open to the female half of the other couple than my wife is to the male half. But we're new and I think my wife just needs more time to get comfortable with the whole process. But, yes, we find ourselves attracted to half of the couple at a time in general, which makes hooking up with a couple a little difficult. As a result, it has taken us quite a while to find a match. But that's just part of the process I think. My $.02 anyways.

[Brit_Pair 62]

It took years as opposed to months for us to find a couple who:

 

(a) wanted the same level of interaction that we did;

(b) we felt comfortable with;

© we were attracted to.

 

You can be as fussy as you like when you’re looking for your ideal playmates. Just be prepared to put in the time. They’ll be out there . . . somewhere.

 

[MattMann 17]

If you are looking for more than one niters, it is a difficult thing to get four people who all are equally attracted to each other physically and personality-wise. Plus, my wife seems to be a rarity in that she really prefers men to women and even though she has no problem being with women she doesn't consider herself bi, so we don't seem to be what a lot of ads are asking for. We have come pretty close to perfect with the last couple we met, they seem to have met all the things we were hoping for:

 

- close to our age

- close to our location (well 45 minutes away, but I have given up finding anyone closer)

- also had kids, and near our kids age

- great sense of humor

- mutual physical attraction

- just fun and easy to be with

 

I doubt you can ever find a "perfect" match, but finding good friends you can have platonic AND sexual times with is a great thing, at least it is what I have been striving for. I would like to find more, but it ain't easy.

[FlyBiNiter 16]

It's not "just you". We have felt frustration in the search for friends to play with as well, as we both are pretty selective as to the type of person we are willing to share our partner with, not to mention ourselves. It has meant that our experience level is very low, but better that than a string of lousy encounters that we regret later, we believe. It IS somewhat like the search for a mate in a way, as far as I'm concerned. While some people say it's just sex, and all you need is a body, I figure I gotta look up sometime, and hopefully, I'll see someone I can talk to and socialize with away from the bed/kitchen table/floor/yard/etc. A big requirement for a lot of us is the friendship aspect. Someone we can talk to without being judged because of our sexual activities. After all.. how many of us can speak freely to our family or our "straight" friends about swinging ? We want playmates who are our friends too. And for me, personally, I think my mate deserves someone with a great personality, just as he feels that I deserve someone who will treat me with respect. So, the search goes on, but ya just gotta keep the faith. They're out there, somewhere, probably feeling the same frustration you are, and when the timing's right, you'll hook up.

 

 

:evil:

[NotsoNew 17]

We were extremely lucky on our first encounter. We found another couple that we like alot and are very compatible with.

 

I know that this is not the norm, and we really are thankful for what we have found...

[OhioCouple 40]

We did too Newbies and I can't say enough about how helpful our first couple were to us and they remain special to us even though we live nearly 200 miles away and we rarely see each other.

 

Do you still keep in contact with your first couple?

 

Although we have distance between us and the first couple we played with, we keep them first and foremost when our schedules arrange for us to get together.

 

Lori

[dave_susie2001 15]

To each his/her own. “Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here,” But there is no right way or wrong way to swing that applies to everyone. As long as all that are involved consent and agree, it’s right for them. Some people are looking for “that one couple that we can do everything with…both in and out of the bedroom…” While other couples are looking for like minded people to hang out with or without sexual relations…while still others are looking for couples or singles to enhance their sex lives for what ever reason. Do you think that most people who attend on premises clubs are looking for a lifelong friendship? Maybe they are, but I doubt it.

 

Personally, we have met several couples in our 2 years of swinging, most of whom we have not played with. Some of them we have played with and have no intention of doing so again. But some of them, we continue to see on a regular basis. And some we have met and played with once, and can’t wait to do so again! It just seems that life gets in the way of swinging sometimes.

 

We enjoy meeting new couples, even if we never play with them. Sometimes you meet someone and the “spark” just isn’t there, but we enjoy their company. We’re not “bedpost notchers.” We just love to meet people. If after we play with a couple and find out that we’re not sexually compatible, (which happens more than half the time it seems) then we try to remain friendly, but we don’t have sex anymore. Sometimes it works out.

 

We have a group of friends that we see on a semi regular basis both for sex and for friendship. They all know that we meet other couples, just as we know that they do. If you’re into “monogamy” with one other couple, that’s fine. But if you don’t agree with the reason we’re in the lifestyle as we are…to meet new and exciting couples with or without sex… then don’t insult us by calling us bed post notchers. “Of course, that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong."

[NotsoNew 17]

Yes. We are new to this and we keep touch with them and would put them first if they were available. They don't live quite as far away from us...

[lynn3 15]

Well sccpl, I guess by all these replies you can now see that you're not alone!!!! We have the same problem.

 

But then again....and as someone here already pointed out. It can pretty hard to match up 4 people......Just think about how hard it is when you're single and trying to get even a decent date!!! Now you've got not just 1 on 1, but 2 on 2. Makes the equation a little more difficult.

 

So.....we'll just have to wait awhile more I guess. Unless we get lucky this weekend...LOL:fun:

[bjewl 15]

It does seem to be difficult, and for those of us in isolated commmunities, nearly impossible, to meet that perfect couple. Particularly if overnight travel is involved. How does one do it? Where can you meet others? Also we are spring/summer relationship which means that one or the other of us is usually a quite different age from the other couple. It sometimes seems awkward. Does anyone have any experience with swinging under these circumstances?

Your thoughts?

Patiently waiting for Mr and Mrs Right.

[BradAndJanet 70]

Originally posted by bjewl

It does seem to be difficult, and for those of us in isolated communities, nearly impossible, to meet that perfect couple. Particularly if overnight travel is involved. How does one do it? Where can you meet others? Also we are spring/summer relationship which means that one or the other of us is usually a quite different age from the other couple. It sometimes seems awkward. Does anyone have any experience with swinging under these circumstances?

Your thoughts?

Patiently waiting for Mr and Mrs Right.

My gosh, you folks are a long way from anywhere! I'm somewhat envious and at the same time, I can understand how you feel. Is it quicker to Vancouver or Victoria?

 

I'll try to take a stab at your first two questions, not that we've met our perfect couple yet either

 

We would suggest placing an ad on one of the sites Julie has listed. We have tried Swappernet and SwingLifestyle and liked how they worked. You'll probably want to do a lot of the screening via the net and/or phone. Email, chat, maybe even webcam if possible with people who seem interesting. With Vancouver and Seattle 'close' to where you are, you may find some nice couples there. But, you never know, you might find someone closer.

 

You'll have to decide if you want to swing on the first meeting, and only you can determine that. Otherwise, it's at least two long trips before anything happens. Perhaps there is something halfway in between; my map shows a lot of little towns along 101, but I have no idea what's there.

 

I'll bet you can figure out a way, if you put your mind to it!

[OhioCouple 40]

Originally posted by bjewl

Also we are spring/summer relationship which means that one or the other of us is usually a quite different age from the other couple. It sometimes seems awkward. Does anyone have any experience with swinging under these circumstances?

Your thoughts?

My husband and I are a couple that have a 15 year age difference. (I am assuming you are talking about a May/December type of relationship....if not my age is showing and I have no idea what you are talking about.) ANYWAY, we have not had any problems with meeting new couples or attracting others that are in my or his age group. We have even attracted some that are our children's ages. We have never swung with anyone any younger than myself (I am 42) but we have met others that were younger and we remain friends, just not intimate swinging friends. With the younger ones that we bonded with in friendship, it did not seem awkward to do so after we got to know them.

 

Lori

[bjewl 15]

May/December... that's it. lol Thanks for all the tips, We have been trying and have travelled ourselves a bit, but the cost is high:( and so far no-one has been worth a second visit. Nice people, just not for us. We'll just keep trying, 'cause it is exciting when you meet new folks!

[Mike N Lisa 15]

I know it seems really fustirating, but hang in there. We didn't find anyone until we begain chatting online and going to some parites. We are very picky people. And I'm a bi-chic who will ONLY do other girls, my husband can do whatever he wants. And it's hard..i know..just hang in there!! And make sure the people you are going to screw bathe!!

[bimrdcpl 15]

sccple......When Hubby and I decided to finally take the plunge and find a couple we were extremely lucky and found our first couple, They were great we hit it off and we went with them exclusively. That relationship lasted about a year and then they started having problems. So then we decided to find another couple, got lucky again we are know in a friendship with a couple that we are both friends and lovers with. It does take time and patience but in between looking we ran across a lot of people that are only intrested in how many encounters they can rack up. So no your not alone in being the only couple that wants a special commitment from another couple. Alot of us are in this to enhance our already great commitments to our mates. Not to add notches to our belts.

[PartyCouple2003 15]

We have just started to try and find another cpl like us....And all ppl want out there is one night stands your so right.....

 

We also want to find someone who is like us and wants to become friends too and hang out.....but that is so hard..i agree.....

 

Thats mainly why we havent done much of anything yet cause we

cant find anyone like us........grrrrrrrr

 

 

Jenn

[ciscosv 26]

Originally posted by OhioCouple

We did too Newbies and I can't say enough about how helpful our first couple were to us and they remain special to us even though we live nearly 200 miles away and we rarely see each other.

 

 

Lori

 

Did you mean, "We did two Newbies"?

[OhioCouple 40]

Originally posted by ciscosv

Did you mean, "We did two Newbies"?

Cisco.... no and I suppose I could have written it differently.

 

"We did also, Newbies123......"

 

Lori

[kycpl4bifem 15]

Our first cpl told us they wanted to be friends not just sex buddies. We met went out a couple of times and thought they were for real. My wife was a virgin when we got together and this was only the second man she had ever been with. She had been with other women. After that night they called us and we went back to visit them on New Years Eve a few weeks later. We played and toasted our new friendship. Since then when they do return our e-mails it has been to tell us they are too busy to meet. That was New Years 2001 by the way. Have not seen them since. Just an odd one line e-mail every now and then. My wife continued to swing only because single bi women are nearly impossible to find. For a while she only approved of meeting cpls with watcher only men or impotent oral only men. She has since loosened up again but has only added one more man to the list of people that have penetrated her. We are starting to see a newbie cpl now who seem very nice. So far it has been FF guys watch but she has expressed a desire to full swap with them. (If he can:: he suffers from a bad case of anxiety) If this goes badly guess it will be soft swap only, impotent cpls, and the neverending search for single bi fems. Wish us luck.

[kycpl4bifem 15]

Oops! forgot to mention: He knew she had only been with me she told them on our second outing.

[babydragon 16]

maybe I am not experienced enough to comment on this post but I felt I needed to reply.

 

We so far have played with one couple, we are not only playmates with but also friends. My hubby would prolly be happy just to play with this one couple exclusively but I would like to maybe find one more couple, We meshed really well but one problem I had was the males size (already got some advice on this in the help forum). I will happily play with them again, but I'd like to find a couple who this problem wouldn't exist (if you can understand what I mean).

 

I wish you luck in your search:kissface:

[Alura 2,774]

Yes, it's very difficult to find the right couple. There are not many swingers to begin with and then we throw in more complications: too big, too small, too suave, too roughhewn, too old, too young, too near, too far away, too rich, too poor, it goes on and on.

 

Each person, not to mention couple, is unique. To expect to find another couple "just like us" is probably not realistic.

 

Still, we've managed to find the right couple twice. We hope to eventually do so again, hopefully before we enter the nursing home.

 

Mr. Alura