Defining her bisexuality

[mrmrsjiggly 111]

The wife is very adamant "I'm not bi". She will play with women and loves the challenge of making a woman squirt. She has been with women and they say she is VERY good orally.

 

She say it's fun but does not get her sexually excited. It's only as the mood strikes.

 

So what defines bi?

[ref2018 29]

Some women (and men) can use the same-sex bodies as sex-toys, but they don't GET horny over those bodies nor do they feel an emotional/romantic disposition toward members of their own sex. One of my boyfriends is like that. He will do stuff with both members of a couple but doesn't consider himself "bi" because he doesn't want a relationship with a man, nor does he desire one-on-one sex with a male.

 

I'm guessing that your wife is excited by being in the SITUATION with another woman, not by women in general.

 

There is no "one true" definition of "bi". Some people who feel exactly the same way as your wife, as I described above, MAY consider themselves "bi" and it's not anyone else's place to tell people "you really are/aren't bi". A person can consider themselves bi and never ever even have sex with the other (and this goes both ways, as it were - for folks who ID as "gay" or are in a same-sex partnership but occasionally fool around with the other).

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Your wife gets to decide how she defines her sexuality, so if she says she's not bi - for whatever reason - she isn't. I certainly wouldn't define it by the things I was willing to do or by the people I was willing to do things to. Being a hedonist, for instance, might lead to all sorts of same sex play (that pretty well describes my partner) without any sort of sexual or emotional draw towards anyone of the same sex.

 

I define myself as bi because I have both romantic and sexual leanings towards other women, but that's just me.

[mrmrsjiggly 111]

Some women (and men) can use the same-sex bodies as sex-toys, but they don't GET horny over those bodies nor do they feel an emotional/romantic disposition toward members of their own sex. One of my boyfriends is like that. He will do stuff with both members of a couple but doesn't consider himself "bi" because he doesn't want a relationship with a man, nor does he desire one-on-one sex with a male.

 

I'm guessing that your wife is excited by being in the SITUATION with another woman, not by women in general.

 

There is no "one true" definition of "bi". Some people who feel exactly the same way as your wife, as I described above, MAY consider themselves "bi" and it's not anyone else's place to tell people "you really are/aren't bi". A person can consider themselves bi and never ever even have sex with the other (and this goes both ways, as it were - for folks who ID as "gay" or are in a same-sex partnership but occasionally fool around with the other).

 

Your wife gets to decide how she defines her sexuality, so if she says she's not bi - for whatever reason - she isn't. I certainly wouldn't define it by the things I was willing to do or by the people I was willing to do things to. Being a hedonist, for instance, might lead to all sorts of same sex play (that pretty well describes my partner) without any sort of sexual or emotional draw towards anyone of the same sex.

 

I define myself as bi because I have both romantic and sexual leanings towards other women, but that's just me.

 

Wow! That has got to be the best answers we have gotten from anyone. I used to pick on her about it when she said she prefers a pillow princess but I saw it hurt her feelings so I stopped. I want her to have the best experience she can so if she does decide to play with a woman I just let her go with the flow.

[ref2018 29]

I use the label "bi" as short-hand, but I actually feel more like a Lesbian "visually" and more like a Gay man "mentally". That means that I am attracted to and superficially "lust after" women's bodies, but I tend to connect better with men socially and intellectually. I have found that same je ne sais quois with women, but most of the time it hasn't led to more than infatuation (there was one that went "all the way" but alas the timing was fucked up and it was not meant to be). Men - I can name exactly ONE in my whole life (my current "newer" boyfriend) whose BODY is eye-candy to my brain; OTOH, I gravitate toward women with body-types similar to my own (which is somewhat narcissistic on my part, but in the best possible way), but if there's no click between our personalities, the initial attraction doesn't last long enough to go anywhere substantial.

 

So yeah, "bi" it is. "Pansexual" sounds like I'm trying to make a "statement" or something.

[Playful1 434]

I am not big into hard line labels, but I would probably not consider her bi. I tend to consider bi women as those who are sexually aroused by women, even if that is on a case by case basis.

[Chicup 41]

If she plays with women and goes down on them, shes definitely in the swinger bi camp, even if shes not majorly turned on by them.

 

If you put straight in a profile, people will figure gg is a complete no-no. If you put "bi comfortable" they will assume you might receive but won't enjoy giving.

[JandKinBoise 856]

One term I have heard is "situationally bi", which to me simply means sexually open-minded and uninhibited. Sounds like she just enjoys sex. Best to just forget there are such things as labels.

[Chicup 41]

Labels are important for profiles though.

 

The reason is that in person I think most people look for reasons to say yes.

 

In profiles most people look for reasons to say no.

 

I don't know why that is, I think it's just part of the human experience so to speak, but a red flag on a profile is often less of one in person.

[DigginIt 1,132]

In profiles most people look for reasons to say no.

 

 

This is absolutely us. Don't know why it is but we have passed so many profiles that say the woman is straight. Here is the funny thing, very often there is no gg play but we want the option open if the mood strikes. Even if that is only MD giving but not receiving. It's just what it is.

[mrmrsjiggly 111]

This is absolutely us. Don't know why it is but we have passed so many profiles that say the woman is straight. Here is the funny thing, very often there is no gg play but we want the option open if the mood strikes. Even if that is only MD giving but not receiving. It's just what it is.

 

I'm very sure we have been passed over because we are listed as straight. That's why we have resoled ourselves to meet people at meet and greets/ parties.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

I'm very sure we have been passed over because we are listed as straight.

 

I'm sure it happens, and I'm sure it's happened to us, but there was a recent discussion here too about just the opposite, where being listed as straight was specifically mentioned as one of the reasons they found your profile attractive enough to want to contact you. We have had that happen a few times to us.

 

In a quest to win the online swinging game, it easy to overthink this. I think it's best to just list the closest to what you actually feel you are, and then let the chips fall where they may. We've met some great people through online, so that approach has worked for us at least.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I'm very sure we have been passed over because we are listed as straight.

 

Someone recently wrote that when we look at profiles, we're looking for a reason to say no. That really seems to be true, not just for us, but for a lot of people. If it's not how you identify (gay, straight, bicurious, bi), then it's your weight or whether you smoke or some other thing.

 

While I'm bi, we'd never pass up a couple that listed as straight, at least not for that reason.

[Fours Company 169]

As unfair as it may sound, labels are an important factor in selecting a couple and being human, we are all prone to assigning and judging others based upon our own interpretation of those labels.

 

Take "bi-curious" for example, a term that I believe is both misused and subject to one's definitions. Personally I'll never understand, as I define the term, how one can call themselves bi-curious after they have had actually had a bi-experience. Based upon that experience you only have the choice of listing yourself on a profile as either bi or straight because you no longer "curious".

 

In Mrs. Fours case there was a time she could call her self bi-curious, however after her first g/g play, she is now bi and that is the label we use in our profile. In this case, "bi" means to us that she enjoys equal play with either sex of a couple and although she looks forward to playing with both, she will limit it with a female listed as straight even though we don't actively seek such couples out. Her interest need not be even though and sometimes she rather play with one or the other more, but is still capable of responding to both and thus how we define "bi".

 

It sounds like this might be how I'd define it in your case, though I suppose the term "bi-situational" could also apply if one really needed a middle ground. However I always considered that label somewhat as a cop-out even though I believe technically almost anyone could be considered bi-situational in the right situation such as prison, same-gender schools, etc.

 

For us, how one labels oneself is important since we have found it difficult at times to find couples where the female is compatible with Mrs. Fours since it seems like there is no shortage of females listed as bi or bi-curious that in reality seem like anything but. At times, we sometimes think it's better to find females listed as straight so at least there's no possibility of expectations that lead to let down.

[mrmrsjiggly 111]

At times, we sometimes think it's better to find females listed as straight so at least there's no possibility of expectations that lead to let down.

 

That's an excellent point. Labeling oneself sets up expectations. We make it clear we have no expectations and it's all about having fun.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

For us, how one labels oneself is important since we have found it difficult at times to find couples where the female is compatible with Mrs. Fours since it seems like there is no shortage of females listed as bi or bi-curious that in reality seem like anything but. At times, we sometimes think it's better to find females listed as straight so at least there's no possibility of expectations that lead to let down.

 

And there is the problem with those for who the bi play is a very important part of the experience. If both halves of the other couple are equally important to you sexually, then you have just doubled the difficulty of finding a compatible couple. I think that is where some of the frustration with the whole bi issue comes from - she may be really into him but not you, you may me really into her but not so much him, etc. The more permutations, the more difficult and frustrating it gets.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

As unfair as it may sound, labels are an important factor in selecting a couple and being human, we are all prone to assigning and judging others based upon our own interpretation of those labels.

 

I list (and identify openly out in the world) as bisexual, but I'm rarely interested in women who swing. They're mostly too femme to trip my triggers, although I'm happy to lend a hand or whatever. In addition, I find the whole "put on a show for the guys" thing deeply unsexy. That's a case where the label - which is completely accurate - is also useless. It's also part of my stance that you get to decide your own identity and nobody else gets a vote. Otherwise, I think based on your logic, I would have to say I was situationally straight, which amuses me with its absurdity but isn't very useful.

[Playful1 434]

Honestly, I wish there was a "hedonistic" label...that covers it all without promising anything and doesn't come with the baggage and bs of most other labels.

[asncpl 728]

Some women (and men) can use the same-sex bodies as sex-toys, but they don't GET horny over those bodies nor do they feel an emotional/romantic disposition toward members of their own sex. One of my boyfriends is like that. He will do stuff with both members of a couple but doesn't consider himself "bi" because he doesn't want a relationship with a man, nor does he desire one-on-one sex with a male.

 

That's a great description and that's my husband in a nutshell. He enjoys sex with both halves of a couple, just no kissing with other guys, but would never have one-on-one sex with a guy. I go a bit further and have sexual feelings for other women and would have one-on-one sex with them. So it's rather inaccurate and general to say both of us are bi without some explanation.

[Chicup 41]

I'm more old fashioned. What you think doesn't matter, what you DO matters.

 

If you are a woman, and you have sex with women and men, you are bi.

If you are a man, and you have sex with men and women, you are bi.

 

It doesn't really matter if you only want a relationship with the opposite sex, or you are not "that into it" or only "the right guy" or only "with your wife". I think the desire to label oneself as "not bi" while being indistinguishable from bi to an outside observer is more due to insecurity over being labeled as such. Ironically if more men were to do this in swinging there would be less of a stigma and no reason for the insecurity. I don't get all the mental gymnastics to avoid a label unless the label is viewed undesirable in itself. I knew my wife was bi before she did, before we were even swingers, but she didn't want the label, and for much of our swinging fought the label as well. She was "bi comfortable" "bi social" "bi friendly" bi bi Mrs. American pie. It's only the last few years shes had the courage to herself to admit, yeah, she's bi.

[Fours Company 169]

Much like Chicup said, the orientation spectrum is actually a lot smaller then many people or groups want to make it out to be. By adding all these Bi "add-ons" or other labels just serves to muddy the waters and make it harder to find a compatible couple. Most ads only allow four selections (straight, gay, bi-curious & bi) and I believe that should be descriptive enough and although one's preference can be fluid and change, however one can not be more than one at a time.

 

For instance I have never had sex with a man and currently have no desire, thus am straight. While there was a time when Mrs. once thought about being with another woman and has been several times since, she has went from straight to curious to bi. Though my status certainly could always change someday, there is no way in our mind for her to be anything but bi (certainly never bi-curious) even if she was to never have another g/g play.

 

I think there is something less than honest about anyone who has had a same-sex experience, liked it and still occasionally seeks it out (regardless of what % it constitutes of one's play), yet tries to shun the label of Bi due to society's stigma and prejudices. To us it has especially been a problem when we find women listed as Bi and then admit they really aren't too interested in females and prefer mostly men. Even worse are the ones who have had g/g experiences and still call themselves "curious". While I can understand if they didn't like it and thus choose to list themselves as straight (however inaccurate) to avoid couples looking for g/g, but one cannot go back to curious.

 

Like Chicup said, I think more honesty over labels would cause a more accurate representation of bi-males in the LS (of which the reality is far greater I think than the current numbers reflect) and it seems as open-minded and progressive in sexual matters the LS claims to be, this is the one common thread it still shares with vanilla society at large.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

This is the definition of bi ...

 

She will play with women and loves the challenge of making a woman squirt. She has been with women and they say she is VERY good orally.

 

She say it's fun

 

To be fair...

 

She say it's fun but does not get her sexually excited.

[New2swinging225 53]

While I'm bi, we'd never pass up a couple that listed as straight, at least not for that reason.

 

 

I think that that is the advantage to being bi, that you can chose just about anybody you find attractive and realize what the situation could be going into it. Think of it this way, you may not pass up a couple for this listing, but would you pass them up on a given night if it wasn't what you were in the mood for? I know, usually online swinging is usually a more drawn out process, but in an ideal world where you could take your pick of the litter that day, would you turn down a straight couple one night for some bi fun, or vice-versa?

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I think that that is the advantage to being bi, that you can chose just about anybody you find attractive and realize what the situation could be going into it. Think of it this way, you may not pass up a couple for this listing, but would you pass them up on a given night if it wasn't what you were in the mood for? I know, usually online swinging is usually a more drawn out process, but in an ideal world where you could take your pick of the litter that day, would you turn down a straight couple one night for some bi fun, or vice-versa?

 

I'm assuming you are addressing a general "you," rather than me in particular, but I'm going to answer anyway.

 

For us, we start by being drawn to people. We'd turn down a couple that was soft swap including oral (or at least negotiate it down to same room only), even if we were attracted, because that doesn't work for us, but we wouldn't pick bi over straight or vice versa. Which, now that I think of it, is a long way of saying that, except for a few things that bend my brain, we're going to play in whatever way works for a particular couple rather than setting our own agenda.

[New2swinging225 53]

I'm assuming you are addressing a general "you," rather than me in particular, but I'm going to answer anyway.

 

I of course mean that generally I guess what I am trying to point out is that in our world 'straight', 'bi-situational', 'bi-curious', 'bisexual' and 'gay' are not just labels but references to what kinds of activities we might expect from potential playmates. Sometimes I want a burger, sometimes I want a hotdog, and sometimes I want the whole damn buffet. If I'm on AFF looking for potentials, these 'labels' will help point me in the direction of the 'meal' which I (we) am looking at partaking in at that point in time. Some days I might bi-pass (sorry, I had too!) a couple for a particular label, but might find myself drawn to them when I'm in another mood. Sometimes it is just quicker to find and to be found by these labels.

[mrmrsjiggly 111]

If she plays with women and goes down on them, shes definitely in the swinger bi camp, even if shes not majorly turned on by them.

 

Mrs Jiggly was constantly announcing "I'm not bi". This was usually met with a lot of laughter because she has started to build quite a reputation as being very good at pleasing ladies orally. She insisted that since it was not something she desired to do and she preferred to give rather than receive made her not bi.

 

A few weekends ago we were with a couple. My wife literally pushed the husband of the couple out of her way when he was getting ready to penetrate his wife from behind. she said "Wait a second, she sure has a pretty pussy, I want a closer look". She did more than take a look.

 

We were on a road trip the following weekend and finally got her to admit she enjoyed pleasing women. I pointed out to her that if she plays with women she is bi. She finally said "Yeah, I'm Bi". I was very proud of her because she finally let go of her hangups with admitting she enjoys being with women.

[ViSexual 1,008]

I'm finally beginning to actualy agree with Chicup..., a little. I'm starting to believe that there are four sexual groups. Straight, homosexual, bisexual and homophobic. Since I have enjoyed sex with both males and females, I'm bisexual period.

[SwingSetWife 444]

I'm finally beginning to actually agree with Chicup..., a little. I'm starting to believe that there are four sexual groups. Straight, homosexual, bisexual and homophobic. Since I have enjoyed sex with both males and females, I'm bisexual period.

 

I agree that to some extent you need to choose a label that suits you and just move on, but I don't think it is that black and white. Not to mention that those 4 sexual groups leaves out a whole spectrum of actual sexualities (asexual, pansexual, transexual...).

 

 

For myself, I used to identify as bi all the time. When I was younger and before I even had sex for the first time, I fantasized mostly about women. I struggled in my youth with whether I was a lesbian or bi because of this. I almost never fantasized about men. However, I am not romantically attracted to women. I won't say that I would never have a relationship with a woman, but for now, I don't see it in the cards. Now that I have had sexual experiences with both sexes, and been in relationships with men, I understand my sexuality a lot better (though not perfectly). I consider myself straight in my vanilla life. For instance, I would put straight on a match.com profile if I was in the position to need one. Because in that case I wouldn't be seeking women for a relationship. In my swinger profile, I put bi, because I like having sex with women, and unlike some have posted, I could have sex with a woman one-on-one.

 

All of that has nothing to do with social stigma. I am the kind of person that would rather tell someone I'm bi, because FUCK their social stigma and view of what they think I should be.

 

Labels are important. I will agree to that. However, as some have posted, there is nothing more frustrating than having someone identify as bi and consistently show no interest in the same sex. We seek out couples with bi fems because WE WANT BI FEM SEX. For this reason, right now we only seek out couples where I am attracted to both the male and female. Yes, it limits our choice, but that is our main motivation for getting into the lifestyle. I would much prefer someone put bi and then write "very limited bi attraction" or "she is mostly interested in guys" whatever. Its not as simple as asking about it via email either. There have been times when the female (supposedly) was super gung-ho about bi action via email but in person.... nothing. Someone mentioned they try to go in with no expectations, thats great.... but no realistic for our lifestyle. We have yet to hit the holy grail of swinger middle age where our kids are out of the house (I don't mean this in a snarky way, so please don't take it as such). We need expectations so that we know we are not wasting our time.

[lizard-lix 32]

One term that I have not seen here, but is commonly used in the LGBT community (really an alternative to 'situationally' bi) is heteroflexible.

 

Same meaning really, generally straight, but if the right conditions arise, then that person will go with it (and it avoids the 'bi' label ;-)

[carebear 90]

I don't consider myself bi at all.

 

I do accept touch from anyone who wants to touch me, because touch feels good. I enjoy watching women (and men) give and receive pleasure, because that feels good to me too. So, I accept touch from a woman, and enjoy watching her feel good, and the next step in this adventure would be giving touch and pleasure to a woman. But I am not sexually excited by the thought of playing with a woman, like I am thinking about men.

 

Luckily for me I have several good female friends in the lifestyle who are more than willing to go at my speed and understand I may never get to the point where I can reciprocate. I don't like taking and not giving back, but much worse would be giving back and not wanting to. Kinda like taking one for the team.