Finding love in the Lifestyle

[northindycpl 32]

After 18 years of marriage and 10 years in the Lifestyle my husband passed away. After a few years since I've started dating (yikes) in the vertical world and its been awful. I've missed my lifestyle friends and parties and clubs and outfits and all things that are just sexy and fun and regular dating men don't get it. I placed an ad on SLS for couples and low and behold a man contacted me (shocked, right?) who was a widower and seemingly needing a friend like I was.

 

After a month of talking almost daily about everything- and I mean everything- he came down and met me for a a very long weekend.

 

It was awesome. It was a great first weekend. And yes we had sex... A lot of really great first time get-to-know you sex.

 

We've continued talking to each other multiple times a day, sometimes for hours about everything and anything. We text and send pictures and good mornings and good nights.

 

On New Years Eve at midnight I was playing with a couple couples and he called me! He called me at midnight in the way a boyfriend calls a girlfriend.

 

He came down this past weekend and we spent it together and the sex was magical. We went to our first club together (his first in his life) and we were in total rhythm- completely on the same page- the whole night, including playtime. And it was amazing.

 

I know he and I are both at the point (almost 5 years) where we are ready to look at having a relationship and we've talked about it briefly and talked about it in general.

 

Do any of you think you can meet, fall in love, and have a relationship in the Lifestyle? What are the pitfalls and what are the benefits?

 

I really want some opinions

[ref2018 29]

I think it is much more likely to happen and be successful later in life after experiencing a long-term relationship and/or familiar with alternative lifestyles than it is for someone in their 20's with limited experience in those areas.

 

And OMG I just said an age-ism so i must need a spanking or maybe i need my spanking withheld.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I've known several people who met in this way and are still together after 10 or more years. I don't know that there are any specific pitfalls or benefits to doing so, though, because relationships are all so unique (just like the individuals in them) that generalizations are tough.

 

In any case, even if 99 out of 100 people couldn't sustain a relationship begun in the lifestyle, it doesn't mean you couldn't. Conversely, if it was the easiest thing in the world for those same 99, it doesn't mean that it be easy for you.

[lotsoffun201 175]

Plenty of people meet in the lifestyle.....hang on and enjoy the ride.

 

Best of luck to you!

[northindycpl 32]

Oh, I'm enjoying the ride. I've always been a good rider at any age

 

Listen y'all... This is really the first man I could see building a relationship with since Mr.Indy and I am scared of messing up and probably of getting hurt, too. Marriage is sooooo much easier than dating! It seems so counterintuitive to date this way... But our communication seems solid, so maybe I need to have more faith.

 

I would love to hear any rule ideas or opinions, though... Please

[Gordo 618]

Would it be any different if you met him in a bar or at work. Could you meet, fall in love and still continue to do those things?

 

I would want to talk out expectations about the "future" lifestyle first to make absolutely sure you both are on the same page or can find a compromise but other than that GO FOR IT!

[CalendarGirl 148]

NorthIndy we seem to be going through some similar life paths right now. First of all, hang in there!! Second of all, I have the same concerns. I was married for 17 years and started swinging after my divorce. I've been enjoying the lifestyle for about 3 years now and wonder if it's possible to find a partner to continue with in this journey. I don't like to use the term "dating" with my playmates because "dating" to me is the search for a life partner. I'm not there yet but I feel myself wanting "a soft place to land" at the end of a long day. I'm enjoying time with a single male companion who has been in the lifestyle for 25 years so he gets it. We've known each other for about 10 months but in July he'll move out of state so there is no option for a long-term romantic partnership. We have a very good relationship now, a sweet sensual friendship and care for each other very much. So, I wonder is it possible to find this type of long-term relationship with a single man in the lifestyle? Most single men that I've experienced think swinging is great but they would never "allow" their wife/girlfriend to participate. I don't think I'm interested in physical monogamy any more so I wonder if I'll ever find a partner that will accept swinging.

[intuition897 2,179]

Mrs. Indy, I am genuinely sorry tor hear about your loss. I have been away from the board for quite some time, so I don't know when this happened. Please accept my belated condolences.

 

I'm trying to imagine the idea of starting over again myself and frankly it's daunting. My attachment to Mr. intuition897 is actually really scary, and I can't imagine having to put my heart out there again. I'm afraid don't have any solid answers for you, and your post raises a lot of questions for me. Which works better? To have to go through trial by fire again coming into swinging from the vanilla world (which can be a very sweet, rich experience), or to meet someone already in tune with the lifestyle and have to build that history between you, that intimacy, that makes your relationship (as you call it) that soft place to land.

 

I'm inclined to believe that God brings us what we need. I do my best to treat everyone in my life like the gift they are, even if they're a pain in the ass. Apparently I needed these pains in my ass, so I try to appreciate that, too, I guess. Logic does not work well when trying to determine matters of the heart. So let your heart do the thinking. Take a breath, close your eyes and just say (with kindness) what you want, what you need, and what you hope. Put it out there like a 5-year-old would do.

 

Honestly, swinging has little to do with it. It just happens to be a mutual preference right now for you both. It really shouldn't be part of your decision making process. Do you enjoy his company? When the world is busy making you miserable, do you find yourself wishing you escape to him? Does he feel like home? Does his friendship feel "old" to you? And by old, I mean old in the most wonderful, comforting way.

 

I'm happy for you, Mrs. Indy, truly. I hope this works out for you both.

[SwingSetWife 444]

I certainly do think you can find someone in the lifestyle, fall in love, and live happily ever after. But...

 

Which works better? To have to go through trial by fire again coming into swinging from the vanilla world (which can be a very sweet, rich experience), or to meet someone already in tune with the lifestyle and have to build that history between you, that intimacy, that makes your relationship (as you call it) that soft place to land.

 

^this. What comes first the chicken or the egg? Does love, commitment, honesty, and trust come first? Or is it possible to build all of that without at least taking a break from the Lifestyle?

 

As an experienced swinger, you understand that the road to swinging harmony is often bumpy and requires the above mentioned things. Starting with a swinging relationship and building trust- I can see it going either way. Also, (I'm assuming here) after being in the lifestyle for so long, both of you, might give you or him the sense of "being set in your ways". Certain aspects of where you might differ on how to swing would need to be discussed and a compromise need to be made. Of course, this applies to any aspect of any relationship and really has nothing to do with swinging. I only see it being a bit different because insecurities might come into play when discussing these things. For example, the only reason DH and I are able to swing is because I trust him to keep me safe, treat me with respect, and make sure others treat me the same way.

 

Sorry to sound like the negative Nancy here these are just things I have thought about before when I was considering a swinging single lifestyle.

 

I would suggest that if you do decide to pursue the relationship and he is on the same page that y'all take a break from swinging to build a stronger relationship before moving back into the Lifestyle.

 

Good luck and keep us updated

[kneedeepth 15]

Still learning about the Lifestyle someday hope to find someone like you did.