Is cheating just as prevalent with swingers as in vanilla life??

[V&C in NYC 15]

Hi. This is my first post. I've been lurking on this site for about two years though. I am 29 and am newly single. I was in a relationship for 5 years and we got into the lifestyle for the last 2 years of our relationship. We took baby steps upon beginning and our communication opened up and was increased 10 fold. We made a few hiccups, rule changes, etc., but always ended up taking a step back, checking in with each other and coming out stronger than before. I thought we had a fun & loving life together ahead of us. We mostly have done MFM's and found one couple that we would swap with that we had great chemistry with. All in all, its been a great journey. Until now.

 

About 6 months ago, my SO brings up swinging separately. He is a musician and travels, has late nights, and is around beautiful girls all of the time. He said he would like to be able to sleep with them if the opportunity arose and he were interested from time to time. Initially, we both agreed we had no interest in doing separate rooms or anything like that. Still, I was glad he told me if his desires had changed so I didn't flip out or anything. I told him it sounded more like an open relationship than swinging. He got defensive in saying that we've had sooo much more mfm's than couple swapping and that I had been with a lot more males than he had been with females and so it shouldn't be a big deal. Meeting and finding couples that we are both interested in has been frustrating and not fruitful BUT he LOVES the MFM's just as much as I do! I'm 100% positive. He initiates them, sets it up, and has always been super turned on by seeing me with other men. Its been just as much for him as it has been for me. He basically starts saying that he should be able to play on the side to make things more even.

 

I asked him to give me some time to think about it. I honestly didn't have qualms or jealousy about him being with another woman without me; I just needed certain boundaries to be in place and I wanted to have some time to ponder. Shortly after that conversation, I had a cruise coming up with a friend and was going to be out of town for a few days. He suggested that we give each other a "hall pass" and says it's a fantasy of his for me to be with someone else without him there and then to tell him all the details and that he'd like to do the same. I told him okay, lets do it and see how we feel afterwards.

 

I met a guy the last night of my cruise and we had hot safe sex in the computer room of the cruise ship (because I'm classy lol). It was fun and hot and I couldn't wait to tell my SO about it. When I got back to our apartment the next day, he practically attacked me and we had the HOTTEST sex ever. I knew he had been with someone and he knew I had been with someone without us even uttering a word. It was amazing. After sex, we told each other every detail and had sex pretty much for the rest of the day.

 

After this, I tell him that I'm okay with him doing this on the side as long as he tells me beforehand, he uses a condom, and we continue to check in with one another, etc. Our communication had been so great, I felt like we could try anything at least once and if it wasn't working out, we'd stop or change up the rules like we always had in regards to other concerns.

 

Basically, we met a girl at an after party for a big show he did. There were a bunch of girls from a video shoot he'd just done and the air was very sexually charged. We were all dancing and the girl, C, was hitting on both of us. I wondered if she was in the lifestyle or if she was bi or just drunk lol. She's gorgeous, great fun personality, etc and she's totally my SO's physical type. Anyway, a few weeks later, she came over, and we had our very first threesome. It was a lot of fun and I loved seeing my SO so turned on and the girl said she'd love to do it again.

 

Well I found out that they have met up on 3 other occasions without me and without my knowledge or consent over the past 2 months. I felt it in my gut I suppose. He's been distant and a little cold. Initially I attributed it to him having lost his job which was about 2 months ago as well. I was trying to be nurturing and supportive and even picked up an extra p/t temp job to bring in some more money to try to decrease the stress he was feeling. But apparently that meant nothing.

 

He admitted to the one time and that it was stupid and he doesn't know what he was thinking and that he was afraid that I would be upset that they wanted to see each other alone. What happened to the awesome open communication we had??? Its gone just like that?? Why wouldn't he just talk to me? I'm not really a yeller. I'm very chill and it takes A LOT to get me really upset and crazy. I ALREADY told him I was open to allowing him to be with other women without me AND I liked this girl a lot and she understood our situation. Why didn't he just ask me? It makes no sense at all and on top of the betrayal and hurt, I'm feeling like I'm responsible because I did bring the girl into our bedroom. I couldn't possibly explain this to any of my friends. It's lonely being a swinger sometimes.

 

So he admits to the first time and a couple of weeks later, I smell perfume or some fragrance on him that is not mine and he admits that he was with her again. He says they happened to be at the same music event that night and he doesn't know what he was thinking. Our relationship understandably got even shakier and I pretty much ended things. He freaked out once he realized I was looking for apartments, he's pleading, begging, crying, going crazy, and promises that he will NEVER do this again and that its killing him to see me hurt like this. I give it another shot. We've still been arguing and I'm paranoid and mistrustful which I've never been before and we're both a little nutty. In response to that, I guess he couldn't help himself. He was with her two weeks ago in our apartment. He flat out just told me this time. He says that she is just a release and that there is nothing more. He wants me to consider being in an open relationship. I think he's lost his f***ing mind. I have never felt a pain like this in my life. I opened Pandora's box and now I'm paying for it.

 

I guess I don't really have a question. It feels therapeutic just to type it all out I suppose. I'm not close friends with anyone in the lifestyle so I have no one to talk to. And I'm grappling with if this is still REALLY cheating since we were with her before and I don't have any qualms about outside casual sex.

 

Now that is actually over, I'm wondering if cheating is prevalent everywhere. I'm surrounded by it in my family. Most of the divorces in my family have stemmed from cheating. All of my friends either have cheated or been cheated on. I thought we were different because we were so open and honest. Are honest loyal lovers extinct? A thing of the past?

 

-A very sad V

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I very truly believe that cheating is just as prevalent among people who identify themselves as swingers as among those who do not. To paraphrase Gertrude Stein, a cheat is a cheat is a cheat.

 

I am also truly happy that Swingersboard has been a source of information for you. I hope it continues to serve you in constructive ways.

[Emily & Art 19]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you!!!! I know what your going through. I've been there done that and got the t-shirt. The only thing I can offer you is that #1 it sounds like your doing the right thing. Your former can't play by the rules you two have established. As you get older and life and your relationship gets more complicated his behavior wouldn't change. # 2 you've gained valuable relationship experience. Your now far better at identifying what it is that you want from a relationship and partner.

 

Again, I'm really sorry your having to go through this.

[V&C in NYC 15]

Thanks so much to everyone! Thanks for the virtual hug, it made me smile : )

 

Emily & Art, yes I can say I feel more confident and sure of what I want in a partner and relationship. I want to heal and move on from this without being bitter and without bringing any baggage or trust issues into a future relationship. I hope to eventually love and trust again whether it be in the lifestyle or not. For now, I'll focus on me, on school and work and with time, I know it'll get easier. I found an apartment that I love so I'm off to a new fresh start. Thanks again for your kind words.

[81lizard69 470]

This is a good question. Is cheating as prevalent in the LS as out? I think by the nature of the beast that it is. Two of our first swinging couples that we really liked, both crashed and burned hard. One was a cheating man the other was a cheating woman. Then there is the group of people that are not really as committed as us long timers. They are kinda like you, together for few years but swinging hard together and separate. Usually one in the partnership is more committed than the other and we can see it coming before they do.

 

Do not get me wrong I really sympathize with you and understand what happened. You gave him what you thought he wanted and it was not enough to keep him.. may be because he was not able to communicate to you that he just wanted to have a lot more sex than he was going to tell you about.. add to that the traveling thing and it spelled out disaster for you... Uck.

 

Yes I do think that cheating is more prevalent in the Lifestyle... it is the nature of the game and the players.

 

I am hoping for you that your next relationship will be better. In fact we want it to be better than you could have wish for yourself.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I believe that cheating is a behavior that is either predominant or it's not. That basically it's something that everyone is capable of but most have the willpower to resist the temptation. It's a weakness of character where one gives into their own selfish desires and is a direct assault on the fabric of trust in their relationship.

 

I believe that there are just as many people in the LS that are cheaters because they are people just like everyone else. If they swing or not, it doesn't change the nature of a person.

[2good4better 35]

Would anyone else agree that swinging and cheating are actually contradictory?

 

During our time in the lifestyle we have followed the path that our swinging was based on a committed relationship with plenty of communication. Any cheating would go against that and therefore we wouldn't consider ourselves to be swingers anymore. It seems just as false to say a swinger is a cheater as saying that someone cheating is actually swinging.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Would anyone else agree that swinging and cheating are actually contradictory?

 

During our time in the lifestyle we have followed the path that our swinging was based on a committed relationship with plenty of communication. Any cheating would go against that and therefore we wouldn't consider ourselves to be swingers anymore. It seems just as false to say a swinger is a cheater as saying that someone cheating is actually swinging.

 

I understand what you mean...the problem is that people can cheat for different reasons. I think some people cheat out of sexual frustration. They feel limited or confined in their relationship. In the case of a swinging couple, perhaps there is the limit of always playing together or only playing with couples or not being able to experiment their bisexuality. Couples where both or one half of the couple puts themselves before the needs of their spouse or relationship might find themselves in this situation. Combine that with a disconnect in communication then the one who feels restricted might cheat.

 

Then there's cheating for emotional reasons--not feeling connected to their spouse or one spouse has different emotional needs that the other spouse cannot or will not meet. Whether a couple swings or not, this can also occur where the one spouse cheats to find their emotional needs fulfilled.

 

As others have stated, some people cheat because that just seems to be part of who they are. Maybe it's a habit that's hard to break. Maybe they learned that cheating is normal. Perhaps they cheat to have that specific rush of adrenaline. And perhaps for others, maybe they don't really even see it as cheating and are not able to see how it hurts the person that they are attached to.

 

So, just because a person is a swinger and engages in non-monogamy, it doesn't mean that they do it in an ethical way all the time.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Would anyone else agree that swinging and cheating are actually contradictory?

 

During our time in the lifestyle we have followed the path that our swinging was based on a committed relationship with plenty of communication. Any cheating would go against that and therefore we wouldn't consider ourselves to be swingers anymore. It seems just as false to say a swinger is a cheater as saying that someone cheating is actually swinging.

 

While we want to agree with your statement, we have met too many people who say they are and think that they are 'swingers' but are just accidents looking for a place to happen. They call themselves swingers but they are actually just looking for a replacement partner, they think swinging will repair an already damaged relationship, or are cheaters looking for permission to cheat. Your statement is true if the couple are actually swingers (as in a committed, open, honest, trusting couple with great communication between the two), but there are too many who consider themselves swingers who really aren't. It sounded like this guy wanted to be a swinger, but was really just a cheater.

[DigginIt 1,132]

we have met too many people who say they are and think that they are 'swingers' but are just accidents looking for a place to happen.

Love this statement!

 

It sounded like this guy wanted to be a swinger, but was really just a cheater.

more like - he was a cheater that now had an excuse to justify what he was doing

[V&C in NYC 15]

Hi Sunbuckus,

 

Great post. I've been going over in my mind all of the different reasons that people cheat. I think I would feel better if I had a concrete reason as to why he would do this in our situation. Perhaps he felt restricted sexually, as you mentioned, even in what I thought was a pretty flexible open relationship? He's yet to give me an answer that makes any sense for me. I go crazy every time I try to dissect the situation. But you brought up a lot of reasons I believe people cheat whether they are swingers or not. Maybe the answer will strike me in the future.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Some guys only need the following reason: "I want that piece of ass, and it doesn't really matter if anyone has a problem with it, if it isn't as good as my significant other, or if there are consequences, because I want that piece of ass, and it shall be mine".

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Some guys only need the following reason: "I want that piece of ass, and it doesn't really matter if anyone has a problem with it, if it isn't as good as my significant other, or if there are consequences, because I want that piece of ass, and it shall be mine".

 

The jerk (man or woman) who thinks that way definitely doesn't deserve the person or relationship that they are in.

 

V&C, I know it's difficult, especially when the situation is so fresh for you but try not to dwell on why he would do this. He might not even know his true reasons. Just know that he wasn't putting you and the relationship as higher priority before his own reasons/desires. I hate to say this because I know it will hurt to hear it but he wasn't thinking clearly and wasn't considering your feelings or value as the other half of the relationship.

 

Since you have decided to move forward, keep taking each week, day, hour, minute at a time. There will come a time when he doesn't enter your thoughts.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Some guys only need the following reason: "I want that piece of ass, and it doesn't really matter if anyone has a problem with it, if it isn't as good as my significant other, or if there are consequences, because I want that piece of ass, and it shall be mine".

 

Not just guys. Also, I'm not even sure it actually goes past, "I want that piece of ass."

 

OP, you can drive yourself nuts trying to figure out why, but you'll never really know the reason and neither will he, even if you both come up with what seem like reasonable explanations. In the absence of knowledge, I'd go with two4youinswva's offering, because it's quite likely just that simple.

[Chicup 41]

I personally don't "get" cheating in the lifestyle. It is hard to wrap my head around, but we have seen it before so it obviously happens. I just go with the idea that some people are just wired that way.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Why does a tiger have stripes? Because it is a tiger! If it had spots it would be a leopard. Why did he cheat? Because he was a cheater. You did nothing wrong, in fact, you did more than most would have and you did it right. There's no good answer as to why it happened, it just happened and it's time to move on. Take a vacation, maybe to Mexico, and if you need company, take us with you (referencing her other thread). We're sorry this happened to you but better now than finding out it was hidden from you for years. Things will get better. We wish we could do more to help.

[V&C in NYC 15]

The tiger analogy is a good one. Thanks GoldCoCouple! I guess it really is that simple as hard as it is to accept. I've decided I'm going to still go on the Mexico vacation alone and I'm looking forward to it. I'm trying to be positive and know that with time, things will get easier. Thanks so much for your advice and kind words. I'm so glad that I have this board as a resource and for support.