Is this a normal development in swinging?

[Fours Company 169]

Despite our time in the Lifestyle, there are still aspects we've never heard of or encountered and were curious about something that perhaps the more sage members here are familiar with.

 

While I've seen by some of the posters here that it's not unusual to sometimes stay overnight at another couple's house after a party or one-on-one playdate, but what are the normal arrangements? Specifically, does each couple normally sleep in separate beds with their spouse or is it not uncommon or unheard of to sleep with the other's mate? What is the point or advantage other than it being with someone different and how many would consider such an arrangement too personal? To those who have done this, do we seem strange for considering actually sleeping all night next to someone a far more intimate and personal act than having sex with them? How should one view such a request from a couple who has no problem with it and not let declining it be a negative?

 

Going beyond this, how common is it for a couple to want to go pair off for a whole day or two? While I know some members here have no problem doing separate rooms all the time or granting "hall passes", has anyone here actually swapped for a few days or a weekend, which obviously included the couples being in separate locations together such as houses or hotels? What was the purpose or advantage of this and how many would have a problem with it vs. no big deal?

 

I should note that all of this is assuming prior familiarity and friendship with the couple so that trust and safety are not an overriding concern, or would this not matter to some people?

 

Though we have experienced many different preferences in swinging over the years, we admit this is a new one on us and I hazard to ponder the thought of this really being a part of the Lifestyle or swinging and does anyone think it sounds more akin to an "open marriage" arrangement or even poly?

[Gordo 618]

We got caught once in a situation where we were in separate hotel rooms and I realized we hadn't made arrangements to reconnect. I really didn't want to go all night and the lady I was with was an absolute bust for various reasons. I had to interrupt which was really embarrassing but so be it.

 

I agree for the most part that it's too intimate spending the whole night together and wouldn't be in favor. That said we did a threesome where the guy stayed overnight in our bed. That was OK.

 

A few days together I think would not be in anyone's interest but I guess others would disagree.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

We've stayed or hosted overnights quite a few times. We have always slept in separate rooms with our spouse when the fun has ended and the sandman calls.

For us, any other arrangement would feel weird. We know of couples that swap off for the night, and the occasional weekend. It works for them, so that's cool. It just isn't something we've been interested in doing.

[Chicup 42]

Interesting we were more interested in that sort of thing while newbies but not any more.

 

Now I'd be against the all day thing, and generally would rather sleep with my wife. Keeps drama potential to a minimum. We're not looking to date, just have nice conversation with some fun sex after.

[Trophy1802 132]

For us, as we usually make an event out of an evening with another couple, they usually stay over to our place, or us at theirs. However, there has never been a time when my wife and I spent the entire evening apart. We always end up getting back together after play has ended and are back together for the remainder of the night. All four of us get together the next morning for a relaxing chat and a nice breakfast before saying our good-byes till next time.

 

There has been a couple occasions where we did house swap with another couple, I with the female at our place and my wife with the male at their place. As all four of us were really comfortable and trusting in each other with the situation, it worked well. We found the excitement of it all very stimulating, especially when my wife and I would kiss and wish each other well when she would leave our house to go meet the male at theirs and I would await the female to arrive at ours. Yes, we did spend a good part of the day with the other partner. However, all four of us would get back together for a chat and a social drink before parting company for the day.

 

I supposed that what you do would all come down to everyone in agreement in addition to your level of comfort with the other couple and the level of trust.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

Yes, you do have to be both comfortable with the idea and trustful of all involved. This happens with only one very special couple but we do "sleep" with the other mate's mate. But, in actual fact, nobody actually get much sleep.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I think it sounds a lot sexier than it probably would be...morning breath, bed head, etc. It would have to be one of those 'really, really, into the moment' decisions but seriously, it's all fun and games until MD sticks cold feet between your legs at 4 am to warm them up.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

We've certainly had a couple spend the night, but they weren't sleeping with us. I can't see us swapping for sleep as well as sex, either, although I've taken naps post-sex (M. too, right next to me). I suppose, theoretically, if we were traveling with a couple, we might end up with unconventional sleeping arrangements, but I'd need to know them really well. Make that really, really well. I've only slept with a tiny fraction of the people with whom I've had sex, although the percentage gets a little larger if we add in "stayed awake wishing the person sleeping next to me would get dressed and go home."

 

I wouldn't be interested in playing house with half of another couple, either.

[asncpl 730]

It was this idea of overnight separate room stay that caused me to find some help and found this board a few years ago. Since then, we have done a few overnighters and day swap. As DigginIt said, it's not all sex and it's not all pretty. Bad breath, bathroom breaks, snoring, no make-up...do you want anybody else to know these things about you other than your spouse?

 

With that said, the few couples that we spent overnight with each other's spouses were couples that enjoy separate room play with us. Perhaps it's a more natural extension of separate room play than same room swap. Usually we would kiss good night and go to separate rooms and I'd see my husband in the morning. It has some advantages. For one there is no time pressure. It's not like we have to meet in the living room at midnight. So we tend to explore fantasies and fetishes, not just have sex. We can go for several rounds, with rests in between, if desire strikes us. Yes it is intimate, but this happens with familiar couples we have played with many times and we trust them, not to mention the trust between my husband and me.

 

A full day swap is uncommon, and usually it's somewhat planned. For example I have an exhibitionist streak so we would day swap with another couple, and my husband would think of interesting ways to dare the other wife to flash and I get dares from the other husband. We would meet up at the end of day to recount the experience and play together. It's thrilling and a nice change of pace, not to mention the excitement usually results in some great sex afterwards. It's not so I can have sex with another man for a full day.

 

It's not for everyone and I certainly wouldn't hold it against anyone who declines such an opportunity. I have said no before and simply said I wasn't comfortable with it and we all remain play partners otherwise.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Twice we had overnight guests after swinging but both times we slept in different beds, different rooms, but with our own spouses. It was just the thing we all did and there was never even a discussion of anything else. I've often wondered if most other couples felt the same way and now, it seems, you all do! Whew! I'd hate to think I was a prude!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

. . . although the percentage gets a little larger if we add in "stayed awake wishing the person sleeping next to me would get dressed and go home.

This part made me smile.

[Fours Company 169]

Thank you for the interesting responses so far. It seems that the opinions are almost split among those who, like us, find these arrangements unusual and those who have done them without reservation. I find it reassuring that more than a few agree that sleeping with someone other than your spouse is a highly personal act and yet find it interesting that some would actually have more of an issue with it that then being separate for a day or two.

 

On the sleeping issue it would not be something we would feel comfortable with not only for the reasons mentioned already, but for our own personal ones as well.

With the exception of the years I worked overnights, we have become used to sleeping next to each other and it is just one of those things we consider a shared activity and it would feel too strange to have even a semi-stranger dozing beside us. While it may seem unusual that sleeping next to someone is too personal than having the most intimate sex six ways till Sunday with them, we can see at least we're not alone in this thinking.

 

As far as the swapping for a weekend thing, I still am somewhat confused and for those that have done it and more importantly, have no qualms about it any further information would be appreciated. Specifically, besides the aspect of the sex part and novelty of being with someone different, what else did you get out from it and what are the advantages? Similarly what are the potential pitfalls? Did you either sleep together or do an extended swap in an effort to be more familiar with the other person to consolidate a friendship and were any of the parties worried it might turn into something more and how did you avoid it?

 

Though it seems like some do consider these things part of the LS, we still have the concern that someone with these preferences are more into an open marriage or even poly relationship since to us swinging is an act we do mostly together. While I have no doubt couples who do or have done these things just consider it fun and looking for just different sexual experiences, should one have a concern there is a more ulterior motivate behind this and how can one tell?

 

Basically, should this be something that might be a red flag or is it just being read into too much?

[Chicup 42]

Basically, should this be something that might be a red flag or is it just being read into too much?

 

I think calling it a red flag is too much but saying it might become a problem isn't. Just because someone wants to do it, doesn't mean they are drama bombs waiting to happen.

[Gordo 618]

I think you're reading too much into it. While I say no to it I must admit the idea is sexually titillating and tempting.

 

It's the logical part of me that says no! It's not that we couldn't do it and perhaps enjoy it as some have.

 

It has the potential for drama but then so does everything else we do in the lifestyle so really I don't see it as a red flag moment.

 

I mean technically in society even the act of looking at another woman is a red flag! But like all the other issues, like separate rooms, just do what you're comfy with.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Fours, I'll do my best to respond to your post but for some odd reason, I've been having a hard time focusing and reading posts in their entirety so I apologize if my response goes off to the deep end and doesn't actually answer anything that you're asking.

 

Before swinging and even now, one of my biggest fantasies is staying in a hotel room overnight with someone else. There are a lot of other variables that also play into this fantasy but we'll just go with the overnight thing. Obviously, the overnight stay with someone other than Mr. Sun appeals to me. And within the first 6 months of swinging, we dabbled in a couple of overnights with one couple--a house swap where the husbands slept overnight with the other wife. There definitely had to be some major trust and familiarity to do this, not only for safety but for overall comfort.

 

Being the prepared person that I am, I packed an overnight bag just in case. Toothbrush, toothpaste, decent clothing to wear in the morning (instead of the evening dress I wore the night prior), different pair of shoes, comb, etc. I still made sure to do my nightly teeth brushing before bed and I woke up before my swap partner so I could brush my teeth to get rid of morning breath.

 

I had the fantasy, I was prepared for the yucky stuff (morning breath, bathroom rituals, etc.), but there was one thing I was surprised by: when it came time to close my eyes and snuggle down to sleep--as neat and different as it was to experience someone who wasn't Mr. Sun--I found myself lying there in bed wishing, wanting, and desiring to be back home with Mr. Sun. I would lie there thinking about how much I'd rather be with Mr. Sun at that very moment. The aching and longing helped me remember my bond with him.

 

Do I still have that fantasy? Yes, probably because of the other variables that I mentioned. Would I do the overnight thing again with a swap partner? If the conditions were right and Mr. Sun and I were amiable to it...then yes. However, I will say that doing several overnight swaps with the same couple has a higher probability of romantic feelings popping up and it could veer toward a poly situation. So, unless all of the participants are willing and open to poly, then it does have a chance of becoming a drama bomb.

[Mochacino 188]

That's not something we have ever been interesting in. It's happened once before with playmates who fell asleep when we were in separate beds at a hotel party. Worse night sleep I ever had.

[SwingSetWife 444]

I have been thinking a great deal about this since it was first posted, but not because I'm interested in it, more because the idea never crossed my mind. The more I think about it, the more I'm sure its not for me. Sleeping next to someone was never a big deal for me in the past. I have slept next to one night stands and that kind of thing. But now, I am so used to sleeping with hubby, I couldn't imagine it any other way. The act itself seems highly intimate to me now.

 

I agree with Sun as well. I think the potential for feelings to develop is high and that just isn't something I'm interested in testing.

 

Also, there is my (and hubby's) insanely loud snoring haha.

[Fours Company 169]

Thank you to all for the continued insight into this.

 

This is not something we are comfortable pursuing at this time and were perplexed as to why a couple would want this and keep bringing up the suggestion, especially the whole several days swap thing. While I admit there is a part of me intrigued by the concept I also realize, like Sun pointed out, the fantasy and reality sometimes don't or might not match.

 

Two of the biggest questions we kept rolling in our heads since this has came up has been "Why would a couple do this?" and "What do they hope to get out of it?" and why I decided I needed to put this question out there. This may seem like we are letting our suspicions run away with us, but like a few others have hinted at, I do have the concern things like this could backfire and again, it seems like someone seeking this might be more interested in an open or poly relationship than just simple sex swapping.

[SwingSetWife 444]

Fours, I think along the same lines that it has to be more than just swinging/swapping. I mean, esp if you are swapping for weekend or a few days. I mean... let's face it, you can't have sex 24/7 as much as some of us would like to think we could. There would be sharing meals, conversations, movies or other entertaining activities. I could hang out with a swing couple and feel comfortable if I knew them well enough to consider them "friends", but hanging out with just the spouse would feel too much like "courting", and I would assume that if another couple kept bringing the idea up, that would be their intention.

 

Not to say that anything is wrong with any of that. Some people are just "into it". If you are not interested in sharing your partner that way, I would continue to decline any such offers.

[Fours Company 169]

As others have pointed out, it is the issue of unintended consequences that is the main reason we are against trying anything like this, especially given I already have a certain healthy paranoia in that direction due to other clues. Though I realize some members here have done the overnight or weekend thing and keep it strictly in a swing-sense, however I can't help think there are those that propose this who are purposefully seeking something more and that is the source of my skepticism and concern.

 

As I said, there is a certain part of me intrigued by the possibility, however I don't think the payoff is worth the risk and Mrs. Fours is dead set against it at any rate. There is also the logistical hurdles at any rate, given our schedules and having to use a motel since our house would not one of the options. So while there may be no immediate possibility due to practical reasons alone, this has not stopped the subject being brought up every time and short of confronting the source to the "why?", I wanted to present it first to the board in the hope of getting an indirect insight into why a couple would want to do this.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

So while there may be no immediate possibility due to practical reasons alone, this has not stopped the subject being brought up every time and short of confronting the source to the "why?", I wanted to present it first to the board in the hope of getting an indirect insight into why a couple would want to do this.

 

There might be a lot of different reasons as to "why" an overnight swap, just like "why" people go into swinging. Just like the whys for swinging, the whys for an overnight swap might be reasonable and others might not be reasonable. I can easily see a "just to try it out" why. Or a "I've never slept with any one other than my spouse, I'd like to see how it feels with someone else" why. Just like there's the "I'm tired of my spouse" why for swinging, there could be the same reason for an overnight swap. Maybe the couple in question is exploring poly or want to be poly. Maybe they want an open marriage. Maybe there's an unlikely why of "I want to see what other kinds of mattresses are out there and I want to see what kind you have and try it out before buying a new mattress."

 

If you really want to know the why for this particular couple, I'd say just ask them.