Blackmail anyone?

[V&C in NYC 15]

My ex and I have been broken up for less than a month and though I've moved out, and tried to keep my distance, we have many ties that make that impossible. We share a dog and have financial ties with car leases etc. I've been very non confrontational even when he has aggravated me to the fullest. Basically, he won't accept full responsibility for cheating on me while we were in the lifestyle. He has minimized the seriousness of his actions because he had been with this female before with MY CONSENT. His lack of responsibility and remorse is why I left him. He has turned angry and said some incredibly hurtful things and seems to be in disbelief that I would actually end our 5 year relationship over his "minor slip-ups". I know me and I can't deal with dishonesty. I can't be in a relationship where I question everything that comes out of your mouth.

 

Now that he's realized I really am NOT coming back and that my stance has not changed, he's become a person I don't even recognize. He's sending me texts threatening to tell all of my friends about us being in the lifestyle!! We were debating over who would get the couch and he throws comments like that in if he doesn't get what he wants! I'm in complete shock that he would stoop so low. At this point, I've been so hurt by his actions and words, I feel like nothing he could do or say could be much worse.

 

But I want the choice to tell my friends about my lifestyle when and if I want to and HOW I want to. He knows how paranoid I was about being discovered and judged or shunned by my choices. Now he's using this to HURT me! I don't know if he really would do this but the fact that he even threw it out there disgusts me to no end. I thought I had been through the worse and it's just not getting any easier. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Any advice?

[Gordo 618]

Well it's obvious he's hurting bad to start making threats. After all he would be outing himself too. This BTW does not minimize your pain either. I would be upset too to find my wife heading out with a partner without telling me.

 

Making threats like that is a desperate ploy to get your attention and get back with you and a (bad) way of trying to control the situation and you. I don't think he would see it as designed to be deliberately hurtful but rather it is apparent he is too immature to understand that it won't (usually) work and that he would have more success facing the mistake and admitting it and working on a solution with you.

 

Ending a 5 year relationship is a pretty drastic step. May I ask if you engaged in any counselling first?

 

Secondly if you had counselling and it didn't work then I would suggest that next time he threatens you tell him that you'll have to explain to your friends if he does out you that he was too small & inept to satisfy you so you had to start going outside for sex.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Desperate men do desperate things. Minimizing what he did was an attempt to play it down. That didn't work so he's trying anything and everything he can. Your non confrontational attitude, while being professional and polite, could be taken by him as you really don't care enough to even get angry (IMHO, so he's trying to make you angry to prove to himself that you do care). While he might only be making threats, he might also carry those threats out and it's best to prepare for that.

 

I think the best thing to do is to be preemptive...let your friends know that he's threatening to tell them all sorts of things that might not be true. That way they will be in doubt of anything he says...if they are really your friends, they would doubt anything he says anyway but this prepares them for anything that may come. It sounds like he was with a female and then tried to bring her home (?). If that's the case, tell your friends just that. He was cheating on you with a woman and even had the nerve to try and bring her home for a threesome or whatever (I'm just guessing at this point).

 

In the mean time, work towards breaking all of the financial ties the two of you have, that will be his next avenue of attacking or threatening you. As I have said before (other times in other threads), there are cheaters who try to be swingers, just like there are other bad (and good people) in the lifestyle. A cheater, however, will almost always be a cheater. You are probably much better off without him. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this, but it's probably better to do it now than a few more years down the road with even more entanglements (children instead of a dog...). We wish you the best in dealing with this...

[V&C in NYC 15]

Gordo,

The secret encounters with this particular female happened three times! I found out the first time, he apologized profusely, cried, and promised it would never happen again. Two weeks later, it happened again. Then another time. All pre-meditated, all with endless lies and cover-ups. All occurring after promising that such a thing would NEVER happen as we have an "honest open relationship". Ha!

 

I suggested counseling and he REFUSED! I asked him to get on this board and read similar stories as I tried to share with him my feelings and things I had taken from this website. He REFUSED. I didn't push the counseling on him. I asked him once and he was adamant about not going so I let it go. At the end, I felt I was the only one fighting to make things work. Instead of him wanting to refocus on us and take some time away from the lifestyle (like I did), he wanted to have free reign to sleep with this woman (who obviously is a threat to me) as well as anyone he chooses. All of a sudden he wants to be in an open relationship without having to get consent whatsoever. He said he did not want to step back from the lifestyle at all or take a break and that it shouldn't be a big deal because we both are cool with casual outside sex. I've created a monster! So, all in all, I don't think ending our relationship was drastic. I was so worn out and broken from trying to fix us that I finally had to accept that BOTH of us had to want to work on it.

[Gordo 618]

Wow I hear you! Under those circumstances I can't see that any other decision was appropriate.

 

I'd still go with the tiny dick and inept lover if he does anything. Along with the advice above to warn your friends that he is threatening to tell stories about you.

 

No guy wants anyone to think he has a little dick or isn't a great lover. It would certainly make me think twice :-)

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

In order to get out of my marriage with the least amount of emotional bloodshed, I agreed to a lot of things that weren't to my advantage. There were a lot of threats and attempts at various sorts of blackmail. I wasn't exactly shocked, because it was more an escalation of the things that finally wore me out, but I was troubled by the lengths he was willing to go. And, yeah, he definitely was kicking at my most vulnerable areas.

 

From that, I have the following advice: Eliminate any ties you have, even if it means giving up the dog (or getting complete custody). Wrap up all financial business quickly, with the help of a mediator if necessary. Erase any idea you might have of getting him to see how his actions prompted yours. Let go of the story of why you left, because it doesn't really matter right now and will only keep you enmeshed. Let it all go. If you need to continue anything, do so with a third party, preferably a mediator or attorney who specializes in conflict resolution.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Wow, your ex is an asshole. Cut ties and run like hell.

 

If he outs you, you have two choices... stand tall and proud and own your swinging past. If your friends are really friends they should accept you for who you are, unconventional sex-life and all (they might even surprise you). Alternately, tell everyone with a straight face that your ex is a lying vindictive bastard who is trying to make them think less of you by telling these stories... if said right, technically it's the truth.

 

In the wise words of my grandmother: don't let the bastards get you down.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I know it sounds devastating but worst case, some of your friends will think a little less of you. Say you went through an experimental phase but he wanted to continue and was sleeping around behind your back, whatever.

 

The important part is that it's over and you learned now before it was too late.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Hi, V. Initially, when I read your post, I didn't have any advice or thoughts...just my condolences that you are going through this. But for some reason, when I read GoldCo's response, I had mixed feelings. I could see his point of view but at the same time, it just didn't seem logical. I went back to your very first post on the forum about how you and your ex came to this place. I've been sitting here trying to recreate how things were for Mr. Sun and I during our indiscretions. First, I tried to put myself into your shoes and what might be going on in Mr. Sun's head if he behaved in such a way had I walked away. I'd be feeling just like you. Shocked, confused, upset. That wasn't really something useful because I already got all of that from your post.

 

But when I put myself into your ex's shoes...cheating, requesting an open marriage, and overall not considering Mr. Sun's feelings and needs--in general, acting and thinking selfishly then imagining Mr. Sun calmly walking away. As odd as it sounds, I could feel GoldCo's response. I felt that Mr. Sun didn't care. Even though he says he loved me, his actions seemed to say something different. He decided to give up on me and us. I know this doesn't excuse what your ex has done or is doing but GoldCo might be onto why he is doing what he's doing. Farther down the line, once the novelty of being with this other woman has worn off...I can only hope that he truly sees what he has done: he has ruined a great relationship and threw it away for selfish reasons. If he has a conscious, he's going to feel extremely stupid and like a pile of shit.

 

As for actual advice, you've gotten some good ones already. Walking away will hopefully show him that there are consequences to his actions. As for your friends finding out, I'd go with Lionheart's advice. And since Maui has more experience about actually separating from someone else, I'd go with her advice in terms of financial ties.

 

Best of luck to you, V. Please keep your chin up!

[rubenpal2 26]

Couples must communicate reason it out together you will have to understand his point of view and he has to understand your point of view you can work it out, I'm sure he doesn't want to end everything

[Stanza 35]

Cut all ties.

 

He is threatening you!

 

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.

- Caesar and Cleopatra, George Bernard Shaw.

 

 

I say fight back. Do you know any of his secret? Don’t be non-confrontational. He’s hurting you. It’s your animal right to protect yourself.

 

It's a stupidity to be reasonable with an unreasonable man.

- The Last Don, Mario Puzzo.

[AndrewandAnn 360]

Since you are asking for advice...

 

First, if you are still living under the same roof with this low life, move out. There is no excuse for putting up with that kind of behaviour. You owe it to yourself.

 

Second, and please take this in the spirit is intended, your relationship with him did not occur in a vacuum and you didn't just wake up one day to find you were living with Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. You should closely examine your own thoughts and decisions that have lead you to the place you are today. And then decide what you might do differently in the future to create a different outcome with future relationship(s).

 

Lastly, blackmail isn't just immoral, it is a felony.

[VegasLee 1,486]

you tell him that you'll have to explain to your friends if he does out you that he was too small & inept to satisfy you so you had to start going outside for sex.

 

Sounds like what most non swinging folks think about Swingers. That all men have little dicks so their wives have to go to others to be satisfied. Not something I would want to use as a Swinging adult.

[intuition897 2,179]

Gordo,

The secret encounters with this particular female happened three times! I found out the first time, he apologized profusely, cried, and promised it would never happen again. Two weeks later, it happened again. Then another time. All pre-meditated, all with endless lies and cover-ups. All occurring after promising that such a thing would NEVER happen as we have an "honest open relationship". Ha!

 

I suggested counseling and he REFUSED! I asked him to get on this board and read similar stories as I tried to share with him my feelings and things I had taken from this website. He REFUSED. I didn't push the counseling on him. I asked him once and he was adamant about not going so I let it go. At the end, I felt I was the only one fighting to make things work. Instead of him wanting to refocus on us and take some time away from the lifestyle (like I did), he wanted to have free reign to sleep with this woman (who obviously is a threat to me) as well as anyone he chooses. All of a sudden he wants to be in an open relationship without having to get consent whatsoever. He said he did not want to step back from the lifestyle at all or take a break and that it shouldn't be a big deal because we both are cool with casual outside sex. I've created a monster! So, all in all, I don't think ending our relationship was drastic. I was so worn out and broken from trying to fix us that I finally had to accept that BOTH of us had to want to work on it.

 

What a dick! Sell the car and the house, kidnap the dog and move the hell out. Ignore the threats. If you have access to any swingers sites that you have used, get in there and delete that shit, as well as any emails you can find. Then don't worry about the rest. I mean, he realizes that by outing you, it's just going to make him look like a desperate, pathetic idiot, right? If you wanted, you could deny it up and down.

 

The bottom line - and you can tell him this - is that a relationship is about two consenting adults agreeing to be together because they are good for one another. If AT ANY TIME you decide that this person is not adding to your life, you have the right to walk the fuck away. Should either party choose to do so, that is their right. Neither party has the right to expect the other to diminish themselves for their own convenience. The onus is on the individual to make themselves attractive to their partner; neither partner is obligated to stay with a person who is just bad for them. And if you draw a hard line, saying for example "I need to be able to fuck whomever I want, whenever I want, and without your say so." or "I need complete honesty in this relationship or it simply is not worth the effort.", you should be prepared to walk away if you discover that your partner cannot meet that expectation. Those are called irreconcilable differences.

[ViSexual 1,008]

First of all, I'm not a lawyer. But his threats to get what he wants is blackmail. You might copy/paste his threats to expose you and tell him that you're thinking of going to the authorities to see if you can file charges. Hey, if you're going to be exposed he needs to know that, he'll not only also be exposed, he'll be in legal trouble. I'll just bet that will make him back off quickly.

[intuition897 2,179]

I like Vi's post. If he thinks he's taking you down, you'll have nothing left to lose and you'll be taking him with you. I just realize that I didn't really offer much constructive advice in my previous post, just the equivalent of, "Well, THAT'S not fair!!" Duh.

 

I was going to suggest trying to talk it out with him, but on second thought, I doubt that will be helpful. He seems to be so caught up in his own warped bullshit he can't even see straight. This may be one of those life lessons he will have to learn the hard way: how it feels to lose someone who was good for him because he sucked as a person. Actions and consequences.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

intuition897 said:

I just realize that I didn't really offer much constructive advice in my previous post, just the equivalent of, "Well, THAT'S not fair!!" Duh.

 

Don't feel bad. I did the same thing in my post and I don't have any experience with anyone blackmailing me. I think there's only a few options when it comes to blackmail or this situation. There's the preventative route--like nipping the whole thing in the bud and advising friends and family that the ex might say hurtful things that might discredit her. Or she could be honest with her friends and family about being a swinger and then he wouldn't have that to threaten her with. There's the reactive route--waiting to see what he does and then do damage control afterwards. Or there's just doing nothing. As ViSexual suggested, she could ask for a lawyer's opinion and help on the matter. I don't know this person but I'm wondering how much of this is just anger and "trying to push buttons" to try to get a reaction from her versus real blackmail.

[V&C in NYC 15]

Sunbuckus,

At this point (or at least for today), I feel that much of was just anger and him trying to push buttons. I haven't responded in the slightest to those messages since I last posted. I completely ignored him. He's randomly texted me at 3am that he misses me or during the day asking questions like, "Whats the dog's groomer's number?" I feel he's trying to find any way or excuse to contact me. But the threats have completely vanished and have not come up again. I don't want to let my guard down, but I'm not feeling very worried about it anymore. Also to answer a lot of your questions about us living together: NO!! I moved out about 3 weeks ago!

 

He agreed to let me come to the house when he wasn't there to get a few items that he previously didn't want me to have. I don't know if he's given up or accepted that its over or if he will suddenly freak out again and start with threats or crazy talk. We've managed to square away our financial stuff and he gave me money for the cancellation fees of a trip we had planned (which he had previously refused to pay). We are cordial and only are texting regarding the dog. I know all of you said to either take the dog or leave it, but I can't bear it!! We both love her dearly and we got her together and I just want to have hope that we can continue to have her alternate weeks. We've agreed that I will drop/pick her up on days/times when he's not there. Is this progress? Or am I batshit crazy?

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I'm glad to hear that nothing came of it. I hope things go more smoothly with the separation from now on.

[slevin 1,374]

Calm before the storm. He isn't done yet, the crazy will ratchet back up soon enough. Get everything wrapped up as quickly as you can to hopefully be done before the crazy returns

[SwingSetWife 444]

Calm before the storm. He isn't done yet, the crazy will ratchet back up soon enough. Get everything wrapped up as quickly as you can to hopefully be done before the crazy returns

 

I hate to say it, but I agree with this. It sounds like, at least to me, he tried the upset "how could you do this" thing- that didn't work- so he tried the "well I'm going to make your life hell unless you come back" thing- that didn't work- so now he is trying the nice guy thing. When that doesn't work, he will think of something else. You should hurriedly wrap up what you can and keep your guard up. I hope I'm wrong, but it could take a while longer for him to completely let go. Good luck!

[81lizard69 470]

I have this theory that people are basically good. I mean that, in all my years living on the planet I have met very few bad people. I think he has the other woman to go to and will leave you be. Its not like he is getting kicked out into street. You will be ok.. Just remember the further away two objects are from each other the less they are attracted to each other.

[V&C in NYC 15]

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice! I will keep you posted with any updates or changes. For now I'm enjoying the calm and praying that the storm is over, but I will heed your advice and not let my guard down just yet. Thanks again!

[angelkin 1,326]

While I totally agree with the others this probably is the calm before the storm, I'm surprised no one has considered that perhaps he has someone else occupying his time. At this stage of the relationship that could be a good thing for both of you… At least he's not hounding you and it's quiet.

[Aaron911 45]

My wife experienced blackmail from a mutual friend who was involved with us... he would threaten to tell everyone about our business if she did not please him on command and do whatever he said. Granted she only told me about this months after but I ended it very quickly.

[Guest]

I know what I would do. I'd get him to text you with his demand and the threat if you don't comply. Then I would give a copy of it to my attorney and to the police.

[Ozzie+Harriet 84]

In my opinion, you should just tell him to go ahead and do it. Even though there is no reason to broadcast what you do in your private life, you can't live in fear of people finding out. Aside from the living in fear part, the people who get the most shit are the people who will be defensive, easily "shamed" and apologetic.

 

My personal experience from a life of doing a lot of things outside the norm is that by owning a label someone tries to attach to you and turning the issue around as if it's their issue not yours, you won't lose any friends or respect. Just treat it as you would going to a movie, like "Huh? What is the problem and why do you care." It's not like you are robbing banks or shooting people. For example, if someone were to call you a "slut" or whatever, by agreeing with him or her, you've left the person with nothing to say, whereas trying to persuade them otherwise is not only validating the label, it's letting them know you are bothered by the label and you are handing them ammunition to keep on taking pot shots at you.

 

As strange as it might seem, how you deal with what people know about you is a lot more important than what people know about you, especially if you are somewhat of an enigma. The worst thing you can do is let anyone think you are embarrased or concerned about what they've found out. If people think you are a wonderful, helpful and nice person before they know something they consider negative, they will generally accept your "quirks" and may even question their preconceptions about those negatives. They might still think that it's not for them, but you might cause them to question their preconceptions. Friends whose opinion of you would change are not your friends. (I've actually made friends by being someone other people can talk to without fear of being judged, so there is a benefit in that way.)

 

You can only be blackmailed if you are afraid of losing an image of someone who is not you (excluding things which are actually illegal that would result in incarceration, of course). Another upside is that you are less likely be stereotyped, since you won't easily fit into any stereotype. Then, when people find out something about you they might find a little outside the norm, they will think it's just you being you and carry on.

 

Also, going the police or attorney route is not likely to let you escape people finding out, even if you prevail in some way. Anytime the police or court intervene, it becomes a matter of public record. If you do go that route, you should still be prepared for the possibilty that it won't actually stop what you are trying to stop from happening.

[AnabelleSanford 1]

I've been blackmailed once in school and it was terrible. Don't even wanna remember that time