Potential STI scares from swinging?

[SwingSetWife 444]

*A note about post- I'm sure something similar has been posted in the past, but I have yet to see it (or remember it) so feel free to answer or just point me to a thread with the information. However, I am looking for your opinions/thoughts on how you might handle this, so comments are appreciated

 

Also, in the nature of anonymity, I won't provide all the details upfront, but can clarify as needed, if asked.

 

So....

 

We recently found a couple we like on SLS. We have not contacted them yet because we are technically not playing due to my pregnancy, but we are toying with the idea of attending some events to meet people we may be interested in playing with post pregnancy (another thread altogether that will be posted shortly). Anyway, I took a look at their certifications, and they were certified by a couple that DH has seen out socially at a vanilla bar he used to go to pretty frequently. DH knows the owners of said bar and most of the "regulars", so he hears (and I'm sure is the subject of) a fair amount a gossip that gets passed around. Apparently, it is a well known fact that the certifying couple are swingers, and they don't try to hide or deny it. But there is also a rumor going around that they have herpes. I'd like to stress that this is JUST A RUMOR and to my knowledge has never been confirmed or denied by the couple themselves. So, my first thought was "uh oh"... if this couple has played with the couple we might want to play with (or even further- if they are in our "swinging circle") we could be putting ourselves at unexpected risk.

 

However, after mulling it over and discussing it with DH, I decided that was a stupid thought. For one, I'm not saying whether the rumor is true or not, but I think the chances that it was made up by some idiot that thinks all swingers are infected with STI's is pretty high. Secondly, we will never/can never know what kinds of precautions they take/took when playing. Also, we will never know for sure the STI status of everyone we play with, or who they played with.

 

With that being said... the thought of it all still makes me a little uneasy. I'm curious if any of you have been in a situation like this before. How did you handle it? If not, how do you think you would handle it? I believe all swingers put themselves at risk every time they play, no matter what precautions they attempt to take. But does your sense of that risk change if you suspect a couple could be infected with an STI? What if you -knew- (had it confirmed) that a couple played with another that has a STI? Would you still just take precautions and move forward, or would you pull back and search somewhere else?

[Chicup 41]

I'm not saying whether the rumor is true or not, but I think the chances that it was made up by some idiot that thinks all swingers are infected with STI's is pretty high.

 

That's just it, you mention swinger to a vanilla and odds are the next joke will be about herpes. So I wouldn't pay it much credence. Most people with herpes are not going to be telling people about it, so unless it comes from another swinger who got infected by them I can't say I'd worry about it.

 

As for the KNOWING question, it depends on the STI and how well we know a couple, how comfortable we are with them. For peace of mind we just assume everyone has an STI, take the precautions and know the risk.

[81lizard69 470]

Like what he said, treat everyone like they have herpes. We have had people that we have played with come out and tell us they caught herpes and we might have it go get tested. We have had couples tell us upfront and about having a STD. We have played with couples and have had others tell us they gave them the clap. It never ends. Protect yourself. You are worth it. You are your best advocate for safety. If they have a acne breaking out around the genitals I won't play there. No way. If she smells like bad fish, I don't go there. We are clean after many years of playing and have bowed out gracefully from more than one questionable couple and have been turned down many times as well.

[JM153 346]

For us, it would depend on the STD. With regard to Herpes most (but not all) people who have it know it and furthermore know when it is active and thus contagious. If they are responsible they will not play when they are contagious. Usually, if not always, when a male is contagious he will have visible lesions on his penis that can be observed. It is a bit more problematical with a female because she can have lesions inside her vagina and not know it, although she normally will know. So for us, it would depend on how well we knew the people and our judgment on whether or not they would ignore a Herpes outbreak or get treatment. After all, if we get Herpes it will not kill us. Now, HIV, is another matter. We do not want to get any STD, so as Chicup suggests we take appropriate precautions.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

With regard to Herpes most (but not all) people who have it know it and furthermore know when it is active and thus contagious. If they are responsible they will not play when they are contagious. Usually, if not always, when a male is contagious he will have visible lesions on his penis that can be observed. It is a bit more problematical with a female because she can have lesions inside her vagina and not know it, although she normally will know.

 

Unfortunately, none of this is true. The usual numbers tossed around suggest that up to 90% of the people with HSV2 (commonly called genital herpes) do not know they have herpes. The reason is likely that visible lesions are not only not universal, they can resemble everything from razor burn to a pimple. In addition, many people can be contagious (i.e. shedding the virus) without any lesions at all. Finally, herpes lesions and asymptomatic shedding can occur pretty much anywhere on the lower torso and upper thighs. So, someone with a "pimple" on his thigh might actually be in the middle of an outbreak, highly contagious and passing it along, all while being meticulous about condoms, gloves and dental dams.

[81lizard69 470]

Unfortunately, none of this is true. The usual numbers tossed around suggest that up to 90% of the people with HSV2 (commonly called genital herpes) do not know they have herpes. The reason is likely that visible lesions are not only not universal, they can resemble everything from razor burn to a pimple. In addition, many people can be contagious (i.e. shedding the virus) without any lesions at all. Finally, herpes lesions and asymptomatic shedding can occur pretty much anywhere on the lower torso and upper thighs. So, someone with a "pimple" on his thigh might actually be in the middle of an outbreak, highly contagious and passing it along, all while being meticulous about condoms, gloves and dental dams.

 

Thank you MJ. Many people believe the lesions have to be visible for the virus to be shedding. This is not true. You might be able to find a book that says if you are on medication the shedding only occurs during a outbreak. That is not true and unproven period. Let's just get over that right now. Please be careful how you play.

[IEcouple 222]

Keep in mind that genital herpes outbreaks tend to become less frequent and milder as time goes on, so it's easy to not know when it's happening if you've never been diagnosed. Anecdotally, many people who know they have herpes are very good at recognizing an outbreak, even mild ones. There are many people who have never given herpes to their spouse, even over many years. On the other hand, herpes viruses can be shed between outbreaks and no one would know it was happening.

 

These things all sound really scary, but in fact having herpes is a fairly benign condition. The vast majority of people live with it every day without any major health consequences. There are far more people who are greatly inconvenienced (and made ill) by diabetes, rosacea, psoriasis, and other illnesses. But since none of these is contracted through sex, it doesn't freak people out as much.

[SwingSetWife 444]

^that really isn't the case as far as we see it. I freak out when someone gives me a cold.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I freak out when someone gives me a cold.

 

Perhaps it depends on how much you relate to hypochondriacs. Honestly, I'm more bummed out that it's going to slow me down. I would say it really depends on how much it inconveniences you, like IEcouple said. Colds, the flu, or anything that makes you feel "not normal" are much more likely to freak someone out than those illnesses that don't show any noticeable symptoms.

[IEcouple 222]

^that really isn't the case as far as we see it. I freak out when someone gives me a cold.

 

In that case you should be more worried about getting a cold from the person you were French kissing than getting herpes.

 

Seriously, I don't know how you square that with swinging!

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

If you swing you will be exposed to herpes and human papilloma virus. Most people don't even know they have these viruses. You very well may have them yourselves. I would check out the CDC website, or you can read some articles I've written by clicking the link in my signature.

 

I think you should ignore gossip. If you are interested and want to know someone's STI status before playing, ask them. Don't expect that someone thinking they are "D and D free" means they really are though.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

For us, it would depend on the STD. With regard to Herpes most (but not all) people who have it know it and furthermore know when it is active and thus contagious. If they are responsible they will not play when they are contagious. Usually, if not always, when a male is contagious he will have visible lesions on his penis that can be observed. It is a bit more problematical with a female because she can have lesions inside her vagina and not know it, although she normally will know. So for us, it would depend on how well we knew the people and our judgment on whether or not they would ignore a Herpes outbreak or get treatment. After all, if we get Herpes it will not kill us. Now, HIV, is another matter. We do not want to get any STD, so as Chicup suggests we take appropriate precautions.

 

This is completely false.

[SwingSetWife 444]

In that case you should be more worried about getting a cold from the person you were French kissing than getting herpes.

 

Seriously, I don't know how you square that with swinging!

 

The same way I do with anything else, I don't play with people who are obviously sick. The statement was meant more to illustrate that I don't really think differently about STI's and any other disease or illness. If I caught one, I would be devastated, at least at first. But I would feel the same way (actually probably worse...) if I found out I had cancer or any other illness.

 

I have to admit though, I do find responses similar to yours.... odd. I don't think trying to make it sound like "no big deal" is particularly useful to anyone.

[SwingSetWife 444]

If you swing you will be exposed to herpes and human papilloma virus. Most people don't even know they have these viruses. You very well may have them yourselves. I would check out the CDC website, or you can read some articles I've written by clicking the link in my signature.

 

I think you should ignore gossip. If you are interested and want to know someone's STI status before playing, ask them. Don't expect that someone thinking they are "D and D free" means they really are though.

 

Thanks for the links, and I have read both of them in the past. I didn't want to make it sound like I'm particularly worried about catching anything. DH and I have discussed the possibility from the beginning. We take the precautions we see fit and have discussed how we would handle the situation should we ever catch anything.

 

On a side note, I have already been diagnosed with HPV. I was diagnosed before our swinging even started, and I'm almost positive I had it about 5 years before ever finding out.

[IEcouple 222]

I have to admit though, I do find responses similar to yours.... odd. I don't think trying to make it sound like "no big deal" is particularly useful to anyone.

 

It wasn't my intention to brush it off as "no big deal". What I meant was that there are risks, and that acting like herpes is a catastrophe is counterproductive.

[SwingSetWife 444]

It wasn't my intention to brush it off as "no big deal". What I meant was that there are risks, and that acting like herpes is a catastrophe is counterproductive.

 

Ok, sorry for misunderstanding then.