Just not into watching

[hazeleyesx3 18]

Hello. I am a new member so I am not sure where this topic actually fits.

 

My partner and I are relatively new to swinging. We have been together (not a married couple, but committed) for over a year and jumped right into the LS about 3 months ago. We discussed it before we started and have had positive experiences. My dilemma is that I DO NOT like watching him at all. Even when we meet a couple for drinks and he starts touching her it bothers me. I was raised that PDA are a no no. Sometimes I do think he gets a bit too obvious. I have told him that I don't like it. He can be a little more discrete in public. Usually the male half might be touching me too but not obvious. You know, hand on knee, maybe up the thigh a bit. Hand on the back. Small touches, not pawing at me. Once it comes down to the sex part, it has to be separate rooms for me. I just don't like to watch. In fact, it turns my stomach. Hearing him, hearing her, it's all distracting to me. Sometimes I get louder so I can't hear them. Recently we were with a couple and we ended up in the same room and I had to keep my eyes closed. For now, I just can't watch. Maybe it will change, maybe it won't. From what he says, he has no problem seeing me with another man.

 

Any advice, comments, hard slap to the face is welcome.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Stomach turning and being distracted are pretty much an order of magnitude apart. Also, that queasy feeling you get when he's touching another woman? I really doubt that it's because you were raised to think PDA are a no-no. I'm pretty sure you were also raised not to engage in casual sex with strangers, after all, and you've managed to overcome that.

 

I'm asking this in the spirit of inquiry, not judgment or anything else, because it will help others know what to say: Why are you swinging, when it makes you very uncomfortable to see your partner with another woman?

[hazeleyesx3 18]

Touché on that. I take no offense at all. I've been a sexual person for as long as I can remember. Sex was never really discussed in my house. All that was said was don't do it. Well, lost my viginity at 15 and never looked back. I love sex.

The PDA thing though was drilled into us. No kissing, touching, fondling, etcetera.

The reason it bothers me is because he knows it does but will not tone it down. I've asked him to but his response has been would you rather I do it behind your back? Obviously that is a "no". It's easy to tone it down though when in public. Why do something that makes your partner uncomfortable. I have no problem knowing he's doing it I just don't want to see it.

We are swinging because it's a thrilll, an adventure. Going on a vacation, enjoying the ride but then coming back to each other. I don't need to see it though. He enjoys seeing me another man and that's his prerogative. He likes to hear about it too. I don't need to know anything. As long as he had a good time that's all I need to know.

 

Does that help clarify a bit?

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Welcome to the forum, hazeleyesx3. (Does that mean you have 3 hazel eyes?) I hope this forum continues to be helpful for you and your boyfriend.

 

If I may ask some questions, and feel free to not answer. But...

 

1. Who brought up swinging?

 

2. What interests you about swinging? What interests him about swinging?

 

3. Did either of you have prior swinging experience before meeting each other?

 

4. Are you assertive with your boyfriend in that you tell him when something is making you uncomfortable or something you don't want to do?

[tribbles 490]

I'm guessing that you say the words but he is not hearing you so nothing changes?

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I'm sorry if it felt like I was trying to score points, because that was totally not my aim. I just think it's important to be as accurate as possible about why we feel things and I was skeptical about your social conditioning reasoning. I still don't think that's the real answer, but I think what I've bolded below is at least a signpost:

 

The reason it bothers me is because he knows it does but will not tone it down. I've asked him to but his response has been would you rather I do it behind your back? Obviously that is a "no". It's easy to tone it down though when in public. Why do something that makes your partner uncomfortable.

 

From the outside, it looks like you're trying to control your environment (I mean this for both the PDA and swinging in general) instead of dig into and grow beyond the emotional underpinnings of your unease and he's not only fighting against that control, he's actively trying to undermine your efforts. I'd say the two of you need to do a lot more talking and really listen to one another.

[hazeleyesx3 18]

To answer the previous questions:

1.Who brought up swinging? He did but it was something I always thought about trying but was never with a person who would have been willing. I have been married twice. Neither one would have agreed to this at all. Very conservative, controlling men. The man I am with now is very laid back. Does not seem to get jealous at all. Or at least say he isn't.

 

2. What interests me about swinging? HMmmmmm I guess it is the thought of sex with someone new. Someone who may have a different technique or ability. The thrill of being allowed to have sex with someone even though in a committed relationship. For him? I think it is the same thing. He was in a 20 year marriage and felt stifled. He enjoys sex. He is a great lover. I think he wants to experience the freedom of other partners knowing that is is allowed. He also likes to see me enjoying another man and hearing about it.

 

3.Prior experience? He dabbled with it in college with his wife and after his divorce as a single male. I have never done anything at all.

 

4.Not assertive with him at all. He asks questions and I answer. He is also very good at reading body language. I am also a submissive female in the bedroom. I like to experiment and will try jkust about anything.

 

I have told him this and he listens but he considers it trying to smother or stifle his fun. It's far from it. I want him to have fun but not at my expense. Respect my boundaries for now.. I only have 2.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

IMHO, the most important thing is communication. Second is trust (or is it trust then communication...I always get those two mixed up). Trust can also be interpreted as respect. He SHOULD be respecting your boundaries and requests, just like you do for him. I don't understand why he wouldn't...

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm curious if you allow any PDA between the two of you? Maybe that is something he really enjoys (exhibitionist) and it's fun for him to do it with a swing partner who enjoys it.

 

PDA definitely has a role in swinging if you are meeting people out for drinks or dinner. It's a way to flirt and let someone know you like them. If you restrict him it might cramp his style and result in less success for the two of you.

 

I think respecting boundaries is important. But I think it's important to really consider the boundary, what it means to you and why you feel so strongly about something that seems rather innocent. It might be a good opportunity for personal growth. Perhaps you can work with your significant other to gradually become more comfortable with something he likes and is kind of needed for hooking up.

 

Being raised conservatively is not a reason to restrict your partner. It's a good opportunity to work on making yourself more comfortable with the fun of sexually charged environments, strengthen your trust and your self confidence and autonomy. If you only did what your parents told you was proper, your life would be very different.

[hazeleyesx3 18]

All of the responses are really causing me to think so I appreciate it.

Those of you who ask about the PDA issue. He doesn't really do too much with me when we are in public. He is sneaky about it. Like on an elevator he will stand in front of me but have his hands behind his back and stroke my crotch. Or at a restaurant touch me under the table. Things like that I have no issue with at all. It is unseen. It is seductive. That is a turn on. He does bring out a side of me that I have kept hidden

 

I understand that touching is a part of the LS. A touch can do a lot. It's the groping and foddling he does even before the clothes are off. He doesn't do that with me. We have amazing sex but not a lot of seduction. Maybe that's what I'm missing..... Hmmmmmm

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I understand that touching is a part of the LS. A touch can do a lot. It's the groping and foddling he does even before the clothes are off. He doesn't do that with me. We have amazing sex but not a lot of seduction. Maybe that's what I'm missing..... Hmmmmmm

 

I believe you have found the tip of the iceberg of what might be the reason for your insecurities and jealousies.

[carebear 90]

I'm guessing your no PDA rule has crept over into other areas for him, probably not intentionally. In other words, if you were out in public and he wanted to blatantly caress your ass and you stopped him, he might have taken that as you don't like your ass caressed, not 'I don't want my ass caressed in public, but privately is fine.'