I'm frustrated - my husband can't get hard when engaging with others.

[TheGermanCouple 15]

I hope to find suggestions and maybe own experiences here, because I'm getting very frustrated.

 

My husband and I are married for 8 years and just opened up 4 months ago, although we were talking for a while. I was the one who wanted to take things slow to see how I will get along with jealousy etc. With jealousy was everything ok and we had 2x MMF, 1xFFM and wanted to try a MMFF yesterday. My husband never ha issues with getting hard and has no problems usually to keep it hard. But in all situations we had so far, he has problems to get hard.

 

First time MMF - nothing. 2nd time worked for a bit, the same with FFM and yesterday, it didn't work at all.

 

We tried yesterady and MMFF with a friend of ours we had the FFM with and another guy my friend and I had met on Sunday. We started with dinner and everything went well. My hubby and this guy were good buddies after a while I asked him how he feels and he said ok and gave his go to start. Everything was fine then, but he just couldn't get hard. He went down on me etc., I tried - nothing. Then with each minute he got more and more frustrated because we all were ready and wanted to fuck, but he couldn't. He said I could go and enjoy myself but I saw that he would be hurt and that he didn't really want it. So I didn't play with my friends, although I was super horny. He said he would feel like a looser when he would see how I play but he couldn't get it up. He rationally understands it and has not a problem to watch me with another man, but in this situ he would. The problem was it was at our place, so we couldn't just walk away. He got just very passive and didn't really wanted to continue at least to kiss or stroking etc. I already suggested to play seperately although I could have never imagine it so far, but he doesn't want to.

 

I think its an confidence issue because he thinks he has an average penis which is not good enough compared to the guys we played with. Also he didn't had that many experiences with other woman before he met me to collect the experience that his cock is enough and pleasure bringing...

 

And of course with every fail, he gets more and more frustrated so when we try next time he'll have even more pressure and probably won't get it up too. I feel so bad for him. We tried also the blue pill already, but it didn't work, cause you need to start to get hard and then the erection stays.

 

No I don't know what to do and what else to try. I'm so afraid of the next situation when its like this. It just feels very uncomfortable for each of us. We could try more FFM, but I'm afraid he'll have the same problem, and it would make it harder for my comfort, not engange with another man while he is engaging with the other female. An FFM is not the same for me cause I don't think I'm bi. I'm still exploring and its fun, but not the same as playing with men.

 

Does anyone has suggestions, recommendations and whatever?

[Brad145 58]

I had a similar problem, and when i was finally able to get going, things ended a lot sooner than expected.

 

Some people might not agree with how I addressed it, but I experimented with blue pills and haven't looked back, predictable performance.

[nottieme 18]

We are also at the four month point in our journey. I have had some issues with MFMF situations and it was a bit frustrating. We are out on the dance floor and I can't keep it down if I try then we go back into a room and it decides to be shy. I've never had issues in the past (we have done many FFM threesomes) but I had read many stories here and other sites from guys who do not traditionally have issues suddenly have the problem... So not totally unexpected. The two times I had the issue I was able to finally get it up by putting it out of my mind - if you try to think about something that normally gets you going it won't work.. I think that is the biggest problem guys have, they are thinking ahead and are nervous about how they will perform instead of enjoying the moment.. You have to clear your mind and stop the mild panic of "Get up! Get up! Naked person here! Get up! .. shit! ok.. ok.. imagining hot honey with her big breasted friend.. double ended dildo and.. shit nothing.. stop panicking! think! think! think! .. naked big boob with a strap-on and.. nothing! Why!?! F*CK! ... " It is a downward spiral.. concentrate on pleasing the person you are with and enjoying the experience, stay in the moment and stop trying to get hard.

[njbm 2,869]

Viagra! It's an insurance policy! The technology exists, use it.

[angelkin 1,326]

Viagra! It's an insurance policy! The technology exists, use it.

 

I think the OP said they tried the blue pill and nada. Relax, enjoy, be in the moment - that's my advice.

 

I have to admit it never worked for my husband, we ended up only playing in threesomes, separate rooms, or separately altogether. That worked for us.

 

I can't claim to understand what goes on in the mind of a man, but you've had some great advice already.

[LFM2 1,482]

Hi and to the Swingers Board! I'm glad you both found us!

 

You'll find that this an all too common problem for most people new to swinging. There are a plethora of reasons why that could happen.

 

Mostly, it's just because you're new. You're trying to impress, are you not? Sometimes, the problem can be physical, but it sounds like it's only been since you've started swinging.

 

Too much alcohol. Too much stimulation. Not enough attraction between play partners.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Not even men know what goes on in the minds of men. I think a man simply needs to try as many times as needed to find just the right situation -- he will then know.

 

Hint -- for a man, it's all about being in-control of the surroundings and the situation.

[njbm 2,869]

I reread the long post. If the blue pill doesn't work, Cialis or Levitra could work. Don't want to beat a dead horse, but one of them could alleviate the problem. But I do recognize that performance anxiety, nervousness and other factors lead to trouble.

[carebear 90]

I think of it like test anxiety. Here you are, ready and willing with the knowledge in hand, and when the test gets handed out you draw a blank.

It can cause a circle of negative thinking. He doesn't want to ruin the fun, gets anxious about the situation, things don't work right, he overthinks, trying to 'fix' the problem, (men are fixers) that doesn't work, he doesn't want to ruin the fun, and so on and so forth down the line. Add in your own frustration, and believe me he knows you're frustrated.

 

Perhaps what he needs is more of a connection with the other woman. Someone he feels comfortable with, so he can let go of that anxiety. We all have all kinds of insecurities about our physical selves and performance. Now on the other hand, my most favorite of play partners doesn't do intercourse (normally). What he does do is fingering, and masterfully. (there's a waiting line to play with him) I've not asked him if he got into that because of a past issue with ed, or if he is just very choosy with who he has intercourse with. My point to this is, if your husband can develop a skill beyond straight fucking, it won't matter (for the most part) if he gets hard or not.

In fact dh has taken 'lessons' from this friend - I stepped up and they used my body as a teaching tool; the things one will do in the name of education! On occasion dh will have had a sugar low during the day, which affects his erection later on. He still has no problem satisfying his partners, and the stress of 'I can't get it up' has nearly disappeared; he's usually only disappointed that he didn't get to fuck, not that he couldn't fuck.

[christnthms 326]

^^ SO true.

I have always worked very physical jobs, the sort that often leave me physically drained at the end of a day. A long time ago I realized that even if I was too tired to give a good fuck, that I could still leave my lady very satisfied with my hands and tongue.

Now, I still want to be able to deliver a nice hard cock, for my own enjoyment. But it's not so much a worry about whether I can be part of the fun, as wanting to enjoy certain part of the fun.

[carebear 90]

And another thing, from our talented friend: as he sees it, a mans body just isn't wired, physiologically, to experience pleasure the way a woman's can. He gets great enjoyment watching a woman in her pleasure, knowing he's the one giving it to her, and at the same time having no basis of personal experience as to what exactly she's feeling.

Something he says: when you make a woman come, it's about you. When you give a woman pleasure, it's about her. Words to live by!

[81lizard69 470]

Ok.. here is what you can do that probably will help.

 

If he is not working out he can start a fitness plan.. it just takes about two minutes a day to start and will improve life in general. Next you can start together when you swing. When we first started to swing we would start by making love to each other. We would do some heavy petting, oral sex just to get started. From there you can practice at home. This is more for him to do and not so much as a couple. Some men get so transfixed on porn or a fantasy that other sexual stimulation will not work. What he can do is sit in a comfortable position and will a hard one.. This takes some practice but can really help. Some of the tricks to doing that is not thinking of his porn fantasies. But rather on himself and obtaining a erection. Lose the thoughts of porn or what he is using to get hard. He can also work on his pc muscle. Google it.

 

 

Viagra is a interesting pill that can be used at home before you two start to make love. If you add it to your private love making sessions it can help. Back when I was doing a internship one of the men I worked for Had worked on the team that brought Viagra to market. What no one talks about is Viagra heals the males sexual response. long term studies showed that dependence on the pill diminished over time. Over time it becomes more effective and you need less and less eventually you will not need to use it at all.

 

 

In conclusion there are lots of things he can do. He just has to want to do it. If he does not that says much about if he wants to swing or not. Actions speak louder than words. If you have any questions or need some ideas feel free to pm me and I have been through this and came through all right.

[Guy1964 177]

I realize I'm shooting blind here, but your husband might be someone who does better in a situation set up more like a "date," with time spent relaxing and getting to know the person before going to the bedroom. I know that warm-up time is generally important for me and if I've rushed with a new partner, nerves often got the better of me. I've found I did better with time to know the person, even if the sex was not part of a committed relationship. Becoming comfortable with the person might help him be more open in his sexual expression.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . .

Too much alcohol. Too much stimulation. Not enough attraction between play partners.

 

This is worth repeating. I would say even, no alcohol is an even more effective strategy. And as others have pointed out, be well rested.

[JandKinBoise 858]

Tons of great advise. This problem snowballs though. He has a problem the first time they try. The next time he makes some changes and is turned on at the prospect so he goes for it. But the problem from last time is still on his mind and it affects his performance again. Now it's all he can think about to the point the Viagra doesn't even work. I've been there. I finally just decided that if my playmates didnt care, neither would I. I have a good mouth and nimble fingers and close attention to detail. Once I stopped worrying about it, schwing! Men are just a switch. Once we add our own "circuitry" to the design, it's gets wacky. Keep it simple. Try not to think at all, just enjoy. (easier said than done)

[Lascivious L&L 866]

Men are at least as delicate in achieving orgasms as women are, and perhaps even more so. The key here is that a woman does not HAVE to have an orgasm to have fun. Neither does a man.

 

I have been in more than a few situations swinging where I couldn't get it up. I have lips and tongue, fingers and hands, an imagination, and a love of touch. That usually suffices. Sure I'd like to cum also, but it's wonderful fun to touch and taste and talk whether or not orgasms abound. Orgasm doesn't have to be the rule, it may be dessert, but I don't always have dessert.

 

Viagra is not a wonder drug. If you are very anxious it will not help. What it does for me is help me to maintain an erection once I achieve one. If you have an erection with Viagra, I find it often a wonderfully hard one and that it can last longer if you pay attention and don't let it languish.

 

Most sure in erection happiness is to get to know those you play with. Newbies tend to be anxious situations. Finding one or two you feel comfortable with and turned on by will allow it to get better and better over time. The benefit is that the better you know play partners, the better they get at finding ways to provoke erections.

[ImPrincessPeach 1]

Me and my husband have been together for a while and he has no problems whatsoever getting hard and staying hard while we are having sex. But anytime that we have tried to play with other people either together or separately he cannot get or keep his erection. And he said that he has been very attracted physically and mentally to several of the people that he has tried to play with, but I don't know what to do to help him.. He does not want me to stop having a good time with people just because he is not, but it makes me feel bad that I'm still going to be having fun and he isn't.  We tried playing together in the same room and in separate rooms. We have also played separately at different times and at the same time in different rooms. He he has developed a friends with benefits scenario with several of these women and everything is fine until they get down to it and he said his Dick just does not want to cooperate. He  Is considering getting out of the lifestyle altogether because of it. And I don't want to stay in it and make him feel bad, but he doesn't want me to leave and so he will feel bad.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I think it happens to almost everyone to some degree. It's happened to me, and yes, it totally sucks.  You sound like a great wife who feels bad when he feels bad, and will do anything you can to help.

 

What I think makes it such a difficult problem is that the causes are different for each guy, and maybe even for the same guy at different times, which can really make it seem to be a moving target.  About the time you think you have it all figured out, then you all of a sudden you don't

 

For me, when it happens it will be the first time with someone.  The less time we have spent together, the more likely it is to happen.  The more time you have spent together and gotten to know each other a little bit, then the less likely it is.  It's like your subconscious needs some time to sync up with the conscious thoughts.  If I'm not attracted to someone either physically or mentally, I know that pretty quick, it's a conscious thought thing.  But even once that hurdle is cleared, it's like it takes a little more time for the subconscious to decide it is 100% on board too.  You say he experiences this with some friends with benefits too, so maybe that's not it for him, but just thought I would through that out there.  When he meets up with the FWB, maybe there is still too much pressure?  Like is it a "Come over tomorrow afternoon and we'll have sex" type thing where maybe he feels pressure to perform?  Maybe just try a "come over and hang out together" type thing where it's understood sex may happen, but it's not like a scheduled thing?

 

I dunno, like I said, it totally sucks, and no one has figured out an easy answer yet

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

PrincessPeach, I'm with cplnuswing; you sound like a wonderful wife!

 

To the problem; speaking abstractly, I think most guys grow up thinking it's easy to get an erection and we'll never have any problems. Sometimes when I was a teenager, I think it spent more time erect than non-erect

 

The older we get, the more difficult it can become. As cplnuswing noted, there are allllll sorts of factors that play into this. It can take time to untangle why, and the why can change from time to time. A guy can psych himself out just having anxiety about whether it's going to get up and stay up or not, and the anxiety itself kills it. There can be concern that a new lover might not feel like's he's living up to her standards. Alcohol can play a negative mix. So can weight. The way in which the woman plays with him can affect things too. My wife and I played with one couple who...just didn't work out. The wife of the other couple just wasn't good in bed. She was attractive enough, but in bed...just a total dud. My wife, interestingly, had the same experience with the husband. For my part, Mr. Happy refused to show up.

 

A friends with benefits might be able to work through this with him, as cplnuswing suggests. Take out the pressure element, have the two of them hang out. An adult conversation with her can really help. Maybe the two of them can play together without any expectation of sex, just enjoying each other's bodies and whatever happens happens.

 

Also; one of the possible reasons your husband is having difficulty is that he might be demisexual; a person who does not get sexually attracted to someone unless they've developed a strong emotional bond with them. It's worth considering the possibility. When did you and your husband first have sex? After you'd really started developing emotions? Or, was it early...before deep bonds have developed?

 

Even if this doesn't work out, it doesn't have to be the end of the lifestyle for you. That depends on your husband. Does he get a lot of pleasure from you having sex with others? If so, MFMs can be a wonderful way to remain in the lifestyle. My wife and I have done several, and it's almost always been a very good time.

 

 

[Davdia 119]

On 4/24/2014 at 4:38 PM, TheGermanCouple said:

I hope to find suggestions and maybe own experiences here, because I'm getting very frustrated.

 

My husband and I are married for 8 years and just opened up 4 months ago, although we were talking for a while. I was the one who wanted to take things slow to see how I will get along with jealousy etc. With jealousy was everything ok and we had 2x MMF, 1xFFM and wanted to try a MMFF yesterday. My husband never ha issues with getting hard and has no problems usually to keep it hard. But in all situations we had so far, he has problems to get hard.

 

First time MMF - nothing. 2nd time worked for a bit, the same with FFM and yesterday, it didn't work at all.

 

We tried yesterady and MMFF with a friend of ours we had the FFM with and another guy my friend and I had met on Sunday. We started with dinner and everything went well. My hubby and this guy were good buddies after a while I asked him how he feels and he said ok and gave his go to start. Everything was fine then, but he just couldn't get hard. He went down on me etc., I tried - nothing. Then with each minute he got more and more frustrated because we all were ready and wanted to fuck, but he couldn't. He said I could go and enjoy myself but I saw that he would be hurt and that he didn't really want it. So I didn't play with my friends, although I was super horny. He said he would feel like a looser when he would see how I play but he couldn't get it up. He rationally understands it and has not a problem to watch me with another man, but in this situ he would. The problem was it was at our place, so we couldn't just walk away. He got just very passive and didn't really wanted to continue at least to kiss or stroking etc. I already suggested to play seperately although I could have never imagine it so far, but he doesn't want to.

 

I think its an confidence issue because he thinks he has an average penis which is not good enough compared to the guys we played with. Also he didn't had that many experiences with other woman before he met me to collect the experience that his cock is enough and pleasure bringing...

 

And of course with every fail, he gets more and more frustrated so when we try next time he'll have even more pressure and probably won't get it up too. I feel so bad for him. We tried also the blue pill already, but it didn't work, cause you need to start to get hard and then the erection stays.

 

No I don't know what to do and what else to try. I'm so afraid of the next situation when its like this. It just feels very uncomfortable for each of us. We could try more FFM, but I'm afraid he'll have the same problem, and it would make it harder for my comfort, not engange with another man while he is engaging with the other female. An FFM is not the same for me cause I don't think I'm bi. I'm still exploring and its fun, but not the same as playing with men.

 

Does anyone has suggestions, recommendations and whatever?

Just my two cents worth, I’m the male half and I’m 57 yrs old and know how my penis works very well. If I’m comfortable with whom I’m with and in the surroundings I’m okay with then I have no problem getting hard and staying hard. I’ve had sex with three woman including my spouse, no problem, in fact the two gals asked my wife what I had for breakfast!  Add one other man to the mix and I was barely able to get hard, totally uncomfortable and had a horrible time. Telling someone who normally don’t have issues getting hard to take Viagra is like telling a woman who’s not into it to take enough drugs to relax and be okay with whatever happens. That the most ridiculous idea ever. If he normally gets an erection and he doesn’t with swinging HE’S NOT OKAY WITH WHATS HAPPENING. Your probably putting him in an uncomfortable situation.

Mens penis just don’t stop working when your sexually excited.

[Peter52 0]

I think the answer is just right in the title and your first sentence. You are frustrated, you are very frustrated. You you. Men, like women, are often sensible and clever people, and they feel things, despite everything what is said or shown. Your husband must have tremendous pressure because you want so much to swing if he doesn’t get up you are “very frustrated”. 
Also, i totally agree with the post just above.

good luck