Psychology behind swinging

[dirtycountrygal 15]

I know a lot of people say that it doesn't matter why they want to do a certain thing, but for me, it does. I like to truly understand my feelings and desires as well as my husband's. If anyone has some unbiased reading for me to do that would be great. I am interested in why people swing, the effects on a marriage, whether or not conquering jealousy is a good thing, chances of getting addicted, etc. I like to thoroughly weigh pros and cons. Is he less likely to cheat or will he constantly want sex with other people afterwards? And I would also like to ask everyone on this forum if your view of your spouse changed after seeing them with another person.

 

I know none of these questions can be answered for my specific situation but for some reason statistics ease fears for me (in all cases not just swinging). One second I am excited to try it and do something new with my husband and the next I am so scared I want to throw up.

 

Thank you all for reading and thank you in advance for any responses.

[LFM2 1,482]

I would also like to ask everyone on this forum if your view of your spouse changed after seeing them with another person. I know none of these questions can be answered for my specific situation but for some reason statistics ease fears for me (in all cases not just swinging). One second I am excited to try it and do something new with my husband and the next I am so scared I want to throw up. Thank you all for reading and thank you in advance for any responses.

 

I can't say I've ever read (not that I can think of off the top of my head) about why we swing.

 

I can tell you why I swing. It's more about my husband than me, though. That doesn't mean I don't get anything out of, because I get more than I ever thought I would.

 

Cheating has nothing to do with swinging. It's totally a different beast and even though many consider swinging cheating, those of us who successfully swing don't even think about cheating. Swinging is consensual, between husbands and wives and those who they are swinging with. On the other hand, there are cheaters who pose as swingers. Swingers don't condone cheating, but there are still those cheaters who sneak their way in to swinging functions.

 

Has it changed my view of him? Yeah, he's damn sexy when I see him pleasing another woman. It's like getting a birds-eye view of him and it just turns me on.

 

Statistics say (somewhere) that there is only 1% of successful swingers out there. Now, we've been swinging for 8 years. I would have to say we've been successful in that, but thats not to say that we've had to have a few sit-downs and get back on the same page. He still needs a hand up-side the head every once in a while (and he'd tell you the same thing about me) but we stop swinging when we need to get things back on track.

 

Advice? Read everything you can about swinging. Read the book The Swinger Manual. You can find it at Amazon or in our store here. I'm on my iPad, so I can't link but go searching. It's written by JustAskJulie. It's got the best advice you'll ever read on swinging.

 

Welcome to the Swingers Board and We certainly hope you find your answers here. I also suggest reading the many forums here, and ask questions as needed.

[ViSexual 1,008]

There are two main reasons why I enjoyed swinging.

 

First of all, I've always been the type who enjoys pushing the envelope. I have a phobia of heights and volunteered for parachute school in the service and went on to become a master parachutist. I hate being considered a normal person. Swinging situations can be some of the most enjoyable adventures that, so-called, normal couples don't get to experience.

 

The second, and maybe actually the first, is the open communications that my wife and I had while we were swinging. I don't think I can even begin to explain how wonderful it was to be able to say anything without thinking about it first.

 

As far as cheating, as already mentioned, it has nothing to do with swinging because this is a shared activity. But someone here posted a long time ago something that I agreed with..., "swinging means never having to consider cheating again". I think we all meet people who we might give some thought to what it'd be like to have sex with them. Well, maybe that's considering cheating? When you and your spouse are sharing the lifestyle together you get to meet lots of people that you can, not only consider what it might be ike, actually have the opportunity to find out.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

There as many different "effects" on a marriage as the number of people who are exposed to it. I do not remember where or when I first heard it or read it but I immediately recognized the wisdom contained within it -- swing will enhance a good marriage; it will finish an already-troubled marriage.

 

Overcoming jealousy, within the context of swing lifestyle, is a good thing. It is, I would say, essential. It would eat you up if you could not get over it or could not get around it. I suspect, however, that if you know that your husband will continue to give in to his urge to cheat, your activity, no matter what its appearance might become on the outside, will not really become swing lifestyle.

 

About becoming "addicted", this should not cause concern. In nine years of swing experience, I have encountered nobody who behaves as if he or her is addicted.

 

Will he continue to want to look around for sex after you and he become involved in swing lifestyle? Maybe, maybe not. One person has told me that it controls his impulse to cheat and I believe him. My wife and I watched, however, another married relationship go down in flames owing to their continued suspicions.

 

Did my view of my spouse change? Not essentially. I knew from the first that she is a woman who likes men who like women. So swing lifestyle is completely in-character. What changed is my view of myself.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

I would also like to ask everyone on this forum if your view of your spouse changed after seeing them with another person.

 

No. Honestly, I've watched my wife get gang-banged and then talked with her about our favorite TV show on the drive home. She's exactly the same person: the woman love.

[BlueJoy 16]

I love the question and relate to it.

 

I can't answer the questions, mine are the same and I am not yet an official swinger!

 

But I have had a certain thought before on the subject of swinging versus cheating (because honestly, I have sometimes considered I would prefer he cheat- that way he gets what he wants and I don't have to take what i don't want)

but another thing is- if he just cheats, he could get involved with a woman who falls in love with him and undertakes manipulations to pull him away from this marriage. The kind that get pregnant and such.

 

Amongst swingers, there is MUCH less chance of that type of thing happening!

[HollyGood1 39]

We are new swingers. But we have done a lot recently, we have only been with one other couple multiple times. Yesterday I was having a deep discussion about why monogamy doesn't work. I used to be a die hard monogamist. My last serious relationship was plagued with cheating. I stayed faithful to him while I was being cheated on and when I left him I used to say there was someone out there for me who would be faithful to me for life.. like I knew I could.

So now I am married to my husband and he never thought EVER, that I would want to be in this lifestyle because of the betrayal I had experienced in the past. Well, I'm the one who brought it up. And I realized how much I really enjoy all the aspects of swinging.

Am I addicted? No. Do I want to do it a lot? Do I think about swinging a lot? Yes. But I think about regular vanilla sex wth my husband a lot each day as well. What's wrong with that? Lol

My viewpoint is evolving, I am evolving. I have found I enjoy women, and I never would have thought that. I think about all the pleasures in life and I don't think I should be restricted from enjoyment and I don't feel like my husband should either. I want to see him in ecstasy. Cheating is not a worry. Jealousy is not there (I have never been jealous.. Even when being cheated on in the past). And now I have found that watching my husband with other woman is probably the sexiest thing ever.

[SoFlaCouple 188]

So much to respond to I had to put my phone down and walk to the computer!

 

I am interested in why people swing...

 

We started with a fantasy about an MFM, visited our local club, and loved the environment. Friendly people, good dance music, the ability of my wife to wear what she wants, and a pole on the dance floor. ;-) We felt like we found a place to go that we could let loose and really enjoy each other without offending people. After we had a great time there having sex with just each other, we were big fans of the club. Then we had our first great MFM, a poor second MFM, a poor first full swap, then after learning our way around what we really wanted, mostly great experiences since. Since we started, we find ourselves going to our club for a regular night out because of the environment. We've meet a number of great people. One the whole, we find swingers to be more open minded, less judgmental, like to talk about sex, and don't like to talk about those other topics that are bound to offend someone (I have yet to have a political discussion with someone in the LS and look forward to keeping it that way). So for now, we swing because it is fun. When it stops being fun for one of us, we will take a break or stop altogether.

 

Why should you swing? Can't answer that, only you and your husband can. I will tell you we have come to discover that swinging is very unlike what we thought it would be.

 

Someone on here had the tag line that I think is perfect: Swinging is like riding a Harley. For those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don't, no explanation is possible."

 

I am interested in ... the effects on a marriage...

 

On ours it have been great. Increased communication, enhanced already amazing sex life, greater trust, learning the ability to let the other person have fun, and wanting it to be great for them. How much greater love can you have for someone? Learning things about each other that we never knew. What SW PA says is absolutely correct. Swing will enhance a good marriage; it will finish an already-troubled marriage.

 

I am interested in ... whether or not conquering jealousy is a good thing....

 

If you have jealousy, I don't know if you ever fully conquer it. There are a lot of threads here on jealousy. One I remember is someone who never had jealousy issues that had an out of the blue bad case of it in the middle of playing that caused the play to stop. They don't know why, and even though they are a separate room swap, with this one person in can only be same room. I think what happens (if you can) is that you learn to be happy for your partner, and you want them to have a good time. We like to have what we call reclamation sex after a play date. It is our way of staying connected that seems to work really well. It continually reminds us that no matter how good it may be with any particular partner, it is still the best with each other. There are so many things you have with your spouse (that you don't even realize) that makes sex great that you will never have with a play partner. Once you realize that your spouse isn't going anywhere, and you make the effort to stay connected, at least for me, the jealousy stays in check.

 

I am interested in ... the chances of getting addicted...

 

If one of you has an addictive personally, sure it's possible. What is not possible is successful swinging without great open communication and a willingness of both parties to move at the speed of the slowest. The kind of communication where you can both talk about addiction in an adult way, and the willingness of both partners to slow down regardless of whatever their addictive personality is. If someone doesn't have an addictive personally, I don't see them getting addicted any more to swinging than to Big Macs.

 

Is he less likely to cheat or will he constantly want sex with other people afterwards?

 

This is a tough one. I think if someone has cheating tendencies, they are not reduced by swinging. The question is why they have those tendencies. If it really is a sex thing, then yes, swinging satisfies that sex with multiple people issue, and therefore cheating is less likely. However, personally I think that more often cheating is not a sex thing. It is either the thrill of sneaking around (a deceit thing) or it is a search for something that is no longer in the marriage (being wanted, support, the feeling of being loved, etc.). Swinging will not make that go away, in fact it will likely amplify those issues. The good news is that cheating is frowned upon in the swinging community. The bad thing is that while it is frowned upon there are many opportunities for it to happen. Not all swinging couples are happily married people, who are really into each other (although those are the ones we seek out). Some couples are on the last legs of marriage, some couples lost that love and connection years ago, and some couples are simply dating (and who knows how long that will last). I think these categories of couples can be a recipe for disaster, especially if your relationship falls into one of these categories.

 

I am interested in ... if your view of your spouse changed after seeing them with another person.

 

This is a tough one. I don't think so. I always knew she had a wild side, and while surprised, I wasn't surprised (I know that makes no sense). What changed my view is talking with her about things after. The depth of our conversations, and the exposing of our most private thoughts has drawn me even closer to her, notwithstanding the bumps along the way.

 

One second I am excited to try it and do something new with my husband and the next I am so scared I want to throw up.

 

Take it slow, and talk, talk, talk. Try going to a club and just being with each other first. Then talk about it the next day when sober. What did you each like, what did you each not like. If it went well, go back to the club and have sex with each other next to someone. Talk about it the next day. Then try a soft swap, etc...

 

Although it is an option, and many people on the board have done it, there is no need to jump in both feet if you don't want to. We did step one above, then jumped in both feet. That has its pros and cons too.

 

You both need to find the pace that works for the slowest of you, and the other needs to be understanding. Even if nothing ever happens, just talking about it will bring you closer to each other, will help you better understand your spouse and yourself, and most importantly, will give you more insight into how deeply your spouse really loves you. To me, that is the key to a successful marriage, with or without swinging.

[beardedone 50]

This conversation shows, among other things, the difference between just sex, and making love. I like both but I like making love far more than just sex.

[Tia Vampire 167]

At first there was a fear and jealousy. After going through with it, you will find out love is not the same as sex. You can have sex with anyone without falling in love with them. The love you have for your spouse/BF will never outweigh a one night stand. That's been my experience anyway. I have heard of people falling in love with a swing partner, but love has to be a two way street. Look at the post here. It is not easy to find compatible swing partners.

[Hippiegirlie 276]

My personal opinion is that any relationship is only as successful as the desire of the people involved in it. I think the personal philosophies of each have to match; that is one cannot believe in monogamy while one believes in open relationships. The problems I find in relationships are the same whether they swing or not and usually have nothing at all to do with the sex life in the relationship.

I know that I am not a monogamous person. I never have been and I never will be. It's not who I am and to try to fit myself into that lifestyle would simply be wrong for me. I also know that I have never been one to be jealous. I find seeing my partner/friend/lover in a sexual situation exciting and endearing. I truly believe swinging is a mindset that you are either ready for and open to or not. Those who are ready and open gain from it and those who are not and do it anyway for the wrong reasons lose in the end.

As far as cheating goes- cheaters are cheaters. Every relationship requires trust and honesty, swinging or not. I would have more problems having a significant other become emotionally tied to another person than sexually tied to them.... then again, I am different than most people and I realize that.

In the end, you have to do what's good for you and make the right choice for YOUR relationship. No one here can do any better than to offer their own experiences which may relieve some of your anxiety but will not gain insight into whether or not swinging is for you.

I wish you well in your journey.

HG

[SoFlaCouple 188]

One second I am excited to try it and do something new with my husband and the next I am so scared I want to throw up.

 

Any update?

[lovefest04 701]

dirtycountrygal - gotta say I love that name.

 

No matter what happens, I think its really important to be willing to get beyond it. Just commit to yourselves that no matter what, you'll move on TOGETHER.

 

If you decide to try swinging, do so, have fun as a couple. Think of it as trying a new restaurant, a movie or a new hotel. I know that sounds silly, but then if things don't work out, you can just chalk it up to experience. A bad experience, jealous feelings, or whatever doesn't HAVE to be any bigger, It doesn't have to ruin your relationship unless you let it.

 

When we first started, and we did it for fun, thought it was sexy, playful at it was. But there were times when one of us felt left out, or not appreciated, or ignored etc etc. We simply refuse to let those feeling become more than they are and take on a life of their own. It's just sex, a strong relationship should be able to move past issues.

 

For us these issues are all about perspective, and you have total control over that. What great news, right?

 

Good luck, cheers to your long an happy relationship in whatever form it takes.

[couplers 4,718]

Is he less likely to cheat or will he constantly want sex with other people afterwards? And I would also like to ask everyone on this forum if your view of your spouse changed after seeing them with another person. I know none of these questions can be answered for my specific situation but for some reason statistics ease fears for me (in all cases not just swinging). One second I am excited to try it and do something new with my husband and the next I am so scared I want to throw up. Thank you all for reading and thank you in advance for any responses.

 

I think real statistics are hard to come by, but from what I recall reading (and give credibility to) here and elsewhere, couples that make it into swinging are happier and less likely to break up. The fact is humans are not monogamous, and those in traditional marriages are forever fighting this. Swinging (or in our case a poly relationship) gets rid of that. Swinging couples do break up, but it is usually for other reasons, such as financial. As to having intense feeling about the first time, you can read the longer version of my story elsewhere, but in short me having another man just made me feel more loved by hubby. Before I saw hubby having sex with another woman I was insanely jealous. Actually watching them was intense but all for the good, and I never regretted it.

[BlueJoy 16]

I am curious to hear from the OP, on how her situation has evolved and where her feelings are now.

 

I find mine go through such big changes....

 

I find the idea of watching my husband have sex with another woman extremely exciting, and yet still cannot feel turned on at the idea of having sex with someone else, myself.

 

Someone else wrote, "The fact is, humans are not monogamous." I am wondering if there is something deeply wrong with me. I have never cheated on my husband, or on any boyfriend before him, and never felt that to be a struggle. On the contrary, the growth of trust between me and my mate is what allows me to be totally free sexually with him; whereas with someone I don't have that trust with, I feel limited and closed. Monogamy frees me to be a wild sex goddess. This whole project to get into swinging is scaring me back into my shell and making me reserved.

All this time I have considered myself to be a very sexual person, and to love sex..... but now I am beginning to have doubts. Perhaps I am more into making love then having sex.

 

 

Then I have another thing growing in mind lately- the fact that I am older (46) and that I used to be a good looking woman. I was a model when young, I was very pretty. I am getting a bit flabby now, getting wrinkles, have implants (after breastfeeding three kids, they were needed just to get things normal looking) and even those are starting to hang too low. I am very aware that the whole swinging interest is spurred by him feeling frustrated with me. He admits he is a very visual person and looks matter. He had a few times of not being able to get it up, and then the talk of swinging happened.

There is no doubt he needs a younger woman to enjoy himself now.

 

Part of me feels resigned to that fact (what can you do? I go to the gym everyday, I watch what I eat, I get filler injections, etc.)... but I am starting to have moments of feeling a bit like saying- screw this. I am freak of nature, I am the first monogamous human being. I don't really want to be the sweat wife doing whatever she can to make sure her husband can get his rocks off with another. I'd rather be alone then looking for a toy for him. I'm personally okay with my appearence, and who I am in general, and don't feel like focusing so much importance on it. If I can't be with someone who feels turned on by who I am, then I would really prefer to be alone.

 

I love him, we have many years together, a whole life behind us, I want him to be happy. But is his happiness so important I should give up my own?

 

 

 

Bad day I guess. My feelings are a roller coaster on this subject. I am now feeling like it is making me put the deepest bases of our relationship in question.

 

He just seems kinda sad that his needs make me feel this way. He can't help it that I am no longer turning him on. He love me though.

 

I have other men around me reassuring me that I am attractive and that they'd jump at a chance to be with me, so maybe that encourages my bitterness. All things beign relative, to him I may be same old-same old used up old lady, but for some others, I am still not bad. So I have moments of wondering if it is really necessary to give up on love and sexual desire completely.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

Here is a question for you psychology wannabe (or pro :}. I would love to have an understanding of how a female feels about, in the middle of having sex with the man she married to, the only man she thought she would ever have sex with, bring up the idea of her having sex with other men. What goes through her mind at that moment?

 

My fantasy of talking her into having sex with other men evolved from:

 

The way she looked and acted as I was fucking her. She LOVED getting fucked. It was the feeling I got that I was making her feel happy and satisfied. I loved her and I felt like mission accomplished when I was able to make her happy and satisfied, at the least, in a sexual way.

 

She had only had sex with two other men (boys) before we married. I basically taught her how to please a man. I had an insecure, dark feeling in the back of my mind that because she was so inexperienced that I might not be the best man to please her sexually.

 

Why is it that, according to the experience I have, only men are into porn? What is it about scenes of other people having sex is not appealing to women? I don't like "pro", for profit, porn either. From experiencing scenes I saw from porn I fantasized about what it would look like seeing us fucking as if from above like an out of body experience.

 

I tried and tried to talk her into letting me film us on camera. "No way!". I couldn't get the fantasy of watching her getting fucked from another angle, from above or across the room, out of my head.

 

My dreams turned into watching her getting fucked by another man.

 

I became obsessed with the fantasy of her enjoying getting fucked by another man. Or men.

 

We were laying in bed together about to have sex as usual when I first told her about my fantasy, that I wanted to watch her having sex with another man, she was shocked as I fucked her. I didn't wait for an answer but I fucked her as if I was feeling her the way another man would be feeling her.

 

She was worried that if she had sex with another man that I wouldn't love her anymore. I assured her that if she had sex with another man that I would love her more and that our bond would be stronger.

 

She fell in love with the first man I talked her into having sex with. Her first experience, our first experience, was awesome and was everything I fantasized about. It was my dream come true. It was an awesome experience at first that turned into a nightmare for all of us. Why? Jealousy. It's the inevitable , unavoidable , opposite of love. The desire to possess and protect the most valuable thing. in your life. There is nothing wrong with that?

 

I was willing to share her but he wanted to posses her. He loved fucking her as much as I

did. I knew she was special and It was the kind of thing that I wanted her to feel when I first got the idea.

 

We worked it out and we are still married.

 

I'm loving watching her having sex with other men. She is able to have sex with other men without falling in love. She can only have orgasms with men she feels an emotional attachment to but she still only "loves" me.

 

The men she experiences orgasms with are on her "preferred' list

 

Psych me.

[beardedone 50]

WHO had the jealousy? That's important. Never discount jealousy as it's a very powerful and driving emoton. Wars have ben fought because of it.

[BlueJoy 16]

I really appreciate how well you expressed what you feel there. It helps me, as a woman to understand the male experience better.

 

My husband and I have talked about it, and he is just more visual. The exteriorization of things he feels is important and necessary for him.

I may get out what I am feeling inside by thinking and then talking about it,

He gets them out by seeing it enacted outside, with real people, objects, events.

 

I close my eyes to intensify my experience- I am listening to the interior, to the nerves, muscles, blood and chemicals- that makes it better. Looking at things outside my body lessens my experience- I lose touch with my senses.

We have tried putting on porn while having sex, he loves it, I am numb and bored. I feel like he is not with me at all, and either am I, actually.

 

He has trouble even knowing what he is feeling if he sees nothing outside! He has never even liked to cum inside me because seeing it is what makes him aware it even happened. (hence my admiration of a man who can figure out what he feels and put it into words...)

 

But this is where trust is important to me in sex. To have fun and enjoy, I need to close my eyes and stop thinking and abandon myself and my self conscious will. In that state, I am extremely vulnerable, without any defenses. I need to feel sure this man will not take advantage of that moment to hurt me. (I asked once on these boards how women deal with that- how to feel safe with strangers- no answer. So I guess trust is not necessary for all women)

 

But your experience you shared offers me a chance to point out one of my concerns (I will get my husband to read your post, perhaps it will help us get dialogue going)- I fear we're treading dangerous ground with me.

 

He wants "more" (in his case, I suspect he is just sick of the same woman, who is getting older, different from your case there) and wants sex without love.

 

If I am going to set out on this, I need trust, I need to feel the man cares a slight bit, finds me valuable as a soul, that there is mutual affection. Making love. Not another marriage or anything, but affectionate care about each other, and sex. Relationships. I am afraid that trying to do "only sex", I will fall into love. If he is okay with me having extramarital affairs, then we're good to go! I can handle multiple loves. I don't need to leave anyone. But that is not what he wants.

He'll get jealous, as you did. (even if he's sick of the old bag now, he is still very possessive).

 

It sounds like you have found a good way for both to be happy- with a certain amount of acceptance of each others needs.

If we women should understand a man can need sex with many women , maybe men should understand a woman can need to love many men?

 

Food for thought and dialogue. Thanks for sharing so openly!

[Hippiegirlie 276]

Here is a question for you psychology wannabe (or pro :}. I would love to have an understanding of how a female feels about, in the middle of having sex with the man she married to, the only man she thought she would ever have sex with, bring up the idea of her having sex with other men. What goes through her mind at that moment?

 

My fantasy of talking her into having sex with other men evolved from:

 

The way she looked and acted as I was fucking her. She LOVED getting fucked. It was the feeling I got that I was making her feel happy and satisfied. I loved her and I felt like mission accomplished when I was able to make her happy and satisfied, at the least, in a sexual way.

 

She had only had sex with two other men (boys) before we married. I basically taught her how to please a man. I had an insecure, dark feeling in the back of my mind that because she was so inexperienced that I might not be the best man to please her sexually.

 

Why is it that, according to the experience I have, only men are into porn? What is it about scenes of other people having sex is not appealing to women? I don't like "pro", for profit, porn either. From experiencing scenes I saw from porn I fantasized about what it would look like seeing us fucking as if from above like an out of body experience.

 

I tried and tried to talk her into letting me film us on camera. "No way!". I couldn't get the fantasy of watching her getting fucked from another angle, from above or across the room, out of my head.

 

My dreams turned into watching her getting fucked by another man.

 

I became obsessed with the fantasy of her enjoying getting fucked by another man. Or men.

 

We were laying in bed together about to have sex as usual when I first told her about my fantasy, that I wanted to watch her having sex with another man, she was shocked as I fucked her. I didn't wait for an answer but I fucked her as if I was feeling her the way another man would be feeling her.

 

She was worried that if she had sex with another man that I wouldn't love her anymore. I assured her that if she had sex with another man that I would love her more and that our bond would be stronger.

 

She fell in love with the first man I talked her into having sex with. Her first experience, our first experience, was awesome and was everything I fantasized about. It was my dream come true. It was an awesome experience at first that turned into a nightmare for all of us. Why? Jealousy. It's the inevitable , unavoidable , opposite of love. The desire to possess and protect the most valuable thing. in your life. There is nothing wrong with that?

 

I was willing to share her but he wanted to posses her. He loved fucking her as much as I

did. I knew she was special and It was the kind of thing that I wanted her to feel when I first got the idea.

 

We worked it out and we are still married.

 

I'm loving watching her having sex with other men. She is able to have sex with other men without falling in love. She can only have orgasms with men she feels an emotional attachment to but she still only "loves" me.

 

The men she experiences orgasms with are on her "preferred' list

 

Psych me.

 

Everything about your story from the comments about watching porn to wanting to watch your wife are classic male preference for visual stimulation. I would couple that with your statement of your wife being inexperienced and you "teaching her" how to please a man is complimented when you get to watch her have sex with someone else and you take pride in seeing how well you "taught her." As for what was going through her mind, I would guess fear/surprise/shock/curiosity/shame... amongst others. Your statements about her worrying that you would not love her anymore and about her first experience with falling in love with the first man she had sex with (other than you) and her not being able to orgasm without feeling an emotional attachment tells me that she equates sex with love and love with sex. There are a wide variety of reasons for this including society's view of sex for women, role expectation, sex from an evolutionary perspective (attaching to the dominant mate), etc.

Psycho babble ended.

The real story isn't about evaluating the reasons, it's all in the outcome. You have a wonderful, strong relationship that has made it through good and bad together and came out on the upside. There's your focus.

[couplers 4,718]

Someone else wrote, "The fact is, humans are not monogamous." I am wondering if there is something deeply wrong with me. I have never cheated on my husband, or on any boyfriend before him, and never felt that to be a struggle. On the contrary, the growth of trust between me and my mate is what allows me to be totally free sexually with him; whereas with someone I don't have that trust with, I feel limited and closed. Monogamy frees me to be a wild sex goddess. This whole project to get into swinging is scaring me back into my shell and making me reserved.

 

Hi BlueJoy. This is Petra; it was me that said that. You did not cheat on your husband or a boyfriend before him, but you have had more than one sexual partner, so I would include you as being non-monogamous, not mating for life. Since people have sex with others before they meet their spouse, and most likely would have sex with someone else if they lost their partner for any reason (even the dedicated monogamous, religious get remarried), what's the big deal about having sex with someone else during marriage? Not for everyone, but the way we look at it.

[couplers 4,718]

I close my eyes to intensify my experience- I am listening to the interior, to the nerves, muscles, blood and chemicals- that makes it better. Looking at things outside my body lessens my experience- I lose touch with my senses.

We have tried putting on porn while having sex, he loves it, I am numb and bored.

 

Good points that I can relate to. I (the wife) like and watch porn, and like watching Clair with hubby; Lora with hubby or my boyfriend. But when I am having sex I don't like distractions, I like to concentrate on the man (or sometimes men) that are copulating with me, and on my own feelings. I don't mind others watching me screw, but please be quiet. That's why playing in separate rooms is sometimes better.

[mrmrsjiggly 111]

The wife and I started swinging because we were bored. We were friends in high school that reconnected after thirty years. We had both raised children and found our previous relationships had drifted apart. She moved 3 hours away from her family to be with me and did not know anyone in the area. Most of my friends were mutual with the x wife and it was not very comfortable for either of us to hang out with them. My sister was talking to her one day about a party she had been to and the next thing I know she is suggesting we give it a try. When we did we found that we really enjoyed the social sexual aspects of the lifestyle. She and I are both very open and expressive and we found most people we knew had no idea how to take us so we always repressed it. The friends we have made in the lifestyle have no problem with who we are and being able to be open is very freeing.

 

The effects on our marriage have been great. Being able to comfortably discuss sexual situations, which is ingrained in us all as a child as taboo, makes everything else easy. We were fortunate to already have a comfort level from knowing each other 30 years ago but we still had to discover all the stuff that changed us as individuals during that time.

 

I don't know that jealousy ever get conquered but not in the way I think you mean it. There have been situations where one of us was obviously having a better time than the other. You just don't know how things will be until they get started. She will hear the other woman moaning and think " I know what shes getting" or I will see her obviously in ecstasy and I'm just not getting there. We are not jealous of each other just that we are not getting it as good as the other. Some would think playing separate would fix that but we feed off each others energy during play time and neither of us have a desire to play without the other. We consider our activities a team sport. Some people Bowl or watch NASCAR, we sport fuck.

 

Pros and Cons are different for everyone. Our Pros are we are making good friends, not sitting on our asses all the time ,doing stuff together and openly communicating about it. The Cons are dealing with different personalities can cause for some odd situations. Flakes, clingy people, making friends and they suddenly quit.

 

Cheating, not an issue, we swing for the physical pleasure and social aspects. We have not been in a situation where any emotional attachments have ever started with individuals. We have attractions to couples, not halves of couples, and for me the individuals are not as attractive. I'm not sure why. We do play with singles but we tend not to build non lifestyle friendships with them.

 

Of course my view of my wife changed when I saw her with another person. My wife was very sexually repressed. She never had the opportunity to see just how much pleasure her body was designed for. Now I see a woman who feels comfortable expressing herself not only sexually but in all aspects of life. For me I started sexually activity very young. I was 13 and slept with a 33 year old. There is nothing like your first sexual experience being a blowjob with a finger up your ass. It kinda skews your perception on a healthy sexual relationship. Being in the lifestyle has allowed me to very openly communicate what I want to my wife without fear of her looking at me like I'm crazy. With me being more comfortable the conversations about anything are a lot more relaxed.

[dirtycountrygal 15]

Don't have time for a long reply, and I haven't replied before now because I wasn't getting email updates that there were replies for some reason. Hubby and I have not had a full swap yet, but I did have my first MFM. I am still a little bit unsure about him being with someone else. I think it is just my own insecurities. Just trying to take it one day at a time. I hope we made the right decision taking that first step, but with how strong my husband's desires were, it was bound to happen eventually. He does have someone in mind, it's a couple that we know that might be swingers...we don't know yet, but I am slowly (very slowly) getting warmed up to the idea. I think if we continue the MFM thing for a while I will be more willing to give him a turn. Thank you for all the replies. Seems like this lifestyle is very unpredictable, as is any marriage I suppose. I love this man with all of my being, so even the option of not allowing him another woman has its own set of fears for me.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I am still a little bit unsure about him being with someone else. I think it is just my own insecurities. Just trying to take it one day at a time. I hope we made the right decision taking that first step, but with how strong my husband's desires were, it was bound to happen eventually.

 

dirtycountrygal, the following is just my opinion and you have the option to ignore what I say but with what you said above, I highly suggest that you two stop all swinging activities and communicate with each other. Does your husband know how you feel? From what you've written, you are reluctant in participating in these activities. The fact that you are doing this for your husband's pleasure (instead of both of you), this is going to damage your relationship until you both are willing to do it together, as a way to strengthen the relationship. Doing this as a "I might as well do this because he won't stop nagging me until he does," isn't a healthy reason to enter swinging.

 

I am sure you've seen this on the forum, but swinging will magnify any cracks and problems that are in a relationship. It is how you and your husband tackle those cracks that will determine if you two can handle what swinging has brought to light. Keep in mind, swinging brought these problems to the forefront...swinging did not cause the problems. Whether it was swinging or some other activity...those problems would have surfaced eventually for the both of you to deal with. I implore you to please, please, please communicate with your husband so that you both can share your thoughts, feelings, fears, insecurities, and desires in a non-confrontational, non-judgmental way.

[beardedone 50]

Have to agree with sunbuckus this time. There is no requirement that ANYone swing.

[dirtycountrygal 15]

I think either my lack of explanation or the fact that I had a two year old jumping on me while writing that made that come out wrong. I am not swinging just for him. It is something I enjoyed and it does turn me on. I was just saying that my fears are irrational because I know no matter how hard I avoided this or pretended I didn't like it, it would have still happened at some point. I am just scared of something going wrong. There are no signs of anything right now and everyone involved is very happy with the arrangement, but there is always that 'what if' in the back of my mind. Like I said, even NOT trying a full swap is scary to me. What if I miss out on something great, what if he gets bored with me? Mostly irrational fears from over thinking which is something I do all too often.

[beardedone 50]

Aw, don't get hung up in analysis paralysis. Damned if you do and damned if you don't is a VERY unhealthy lifestyle. Swinging or not.

Weigh each option and assign risks and benefits to each, decide which are acceptable to you, and let 'er rip! No decision is still a "no" decision.

[couplers 4,718]

I am just scared of something going wrong. There are no signs of anything right now and everyone involved is very happy with the arrangement, but there is always that 'what if' in the back of my mind. Like I said, even NOT trying a full swap is scary to me. What if I miss out on something great, what if he gets bored with me?

 

In a world where half of all marriages end in divorce, you have a legitimate fear. I think about that sometimes as well. But my conclusion is that a couple engaging in whatever sexual openness and experimentation they have agreed upon makes it less likely the marriage will end.

 

 

We are in a closed poly foursome that has opened to only one other married couple that occasionally swings with us exclusively. Hubby and I have told each other, however, that if one of us ever gets a very strong and persistent urge to sleep with someone, and it is otherwise not foolish, that it is OK between us, no pre-approval required. Is it possible one of us could become infatuated with another and destroy our marriage? Yes, but it is more likely that even if infatuation occurred it would not compromise our relationship, and the infatuation would fade. And actually, the opposite has happened - we talk about how we find others attractive and would like to have sex with them, but neither of us has used the "hall pass." Many folks here have said that swinging has improved sex between them and strengthened their marriage. It's true, but for us the sharing of fantasies has done this as well. Especially since finding my lesbian (why call it "bi?") side, hubby and I discuss women that attract us both and find it brings us closer.

[beardedone 50]

Poly hurts my brain.

[mrmrsjiggly 111]

analysis paralysis.

 

Love it

[machiavel55 81]

I think a few people here are either dishonest or lie to themselves about their reasons for swinging or why they are swingers....for some it is so obvious it's not even funny (you'll excuse my English since I am French). I read reasons like great communication, being adventurous, etc...that's just making it look like you do it because you find such grand human qualities in the lifestyle, when in reality it is a choice made because of much more basic and animalistic needs. Don't get me wrong, I have all those needs and more but I was lucky to arrive in Montreal from Paris when I was 16, Montreal(actually the whole province of Quebec) where as most men in Canada know, women behave very much like men, are not afraid of their sexuality and are very very forward about all things in sex. So I was able to enjoy a lot of sex in my late teens and 20's before getting married, including 3somes, 4somes, mini orgies, etc...my marriage failed because of very different reasons (mostly mine I admit...lol. Also I believe for example that for a bisexual married person, swinging could very well be a wise choice that will enable the complete expression of their sexuality while maintaining the marriage. I've also noticed a lot of 'virgin when married people' become swingers, and that is understandable too. The absence of sexual experiences in the 21st century for someone who's married is just a time bomb ticking. Therefore I do believe that for some people who are part of a couple, because of some of their circumstances,swinging will look like the only route to achieve sexual completeness (ok,I made that word up, but it sounds good). What irks me is the constant made our relationship better, improved our sex life, etc.. not realizing that what seems great on Monday can become a nightmare by Friday, because we are in constant change and constant evolution, and as much as sex can bring euphoria it can bring us in the deepest darkest holes of existence. In most cases, even if it lasts 5, 10 or 15 years, most of those symptoms are temporary, sex eventually binds people in very powerful way and in the case of swingers, the wrong people. Most of those people posting all of a sudden disappear from the boards, maybe sometimes because they don't want to post anymore, but more likely because they had to stop or the couple imploded.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Well, Machiavel55, I see that you have been lurking on SwingersBoard since late last summer, but I have to say that is a lot of judgement to pronounce on your second post here!

 

I disagree with much of what you have to say above, and do not understand why some of what you hear on SwingersBoard "irks" you. I would think that it's fairly obvious that the sex is part of the core concept of swinging, and I don't think most people claim that the opportunity to have sex with other people is not a large motivation for swinging. But the other benefits to a relationship (improved communication, a sense of shared adventure) are not the result of either a mass conspiracy to lie to the world about the benefits of swinging, nor are they a mass delusion by the entire swinging community.

 

I'm also sorry that you do not accept the concept that sex without deep emotional attachment is possible, and especially sorry that you believe that swingers are "the wrong people". For my part, I believe that swingers are among the most open, friendly, and open-minded people I know, and I count many swingers among my closest friends.

[machiavel55 81]

God I wish I could express my self in English with as much verve....anyway, a lot of what I wrote came out very wrong. First, improved communication?...I have no problem agreeing with the fact that swingers enjoy improved communication, communication at a level that will rarely be reached by monogamous couples, because without it, they are doomed. Next,sex without deep emotional attachment is possible, of course it is, I've had tons of it, as a single man, some quite forgettable and here and there, great encounters forever burned in my mind. What I meant to say is that to think that one will be able to be in the lifestyle and avoid it during 100% of the encounters is statistically impossible. Next, I never in a million years meant to say that swingers are the wrong people...wow, was that poorly written(by me)! I believe that the rare swinging couples that have between them that perfect balance of sexual interests, deep commitment to each other as a couple and a strong individual emotional structure must be great people to hang out with and communicate with. In closing, I'll try this again...I noticed that most couples right away start using the communication and bond strengthening cliches right after their first experiences, not realizing that this will change their couple for ever and that most of them have a poor knowledge or sense of the fact that as humans we keep on changing and evolving every day, that that great communication will sometimes fail miserably, that their internal emotional structure will undergo changes they cannot even fathom and that this is a very high risk behavior, a minefield that very few survive.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Now we are reaching some common ground!

 

I suppose that there is a risk of developing an emotional attachment with a play partner. One would hope that, as mature adults, we would deal with that by backing off a respectful distance.

 

I also agree that swinging can be an emotional and relationship minefield- in fact, I have used this analogy myself from time to time! But I do not agree that the improved communication and strengthening of the marital bond are just clichés. Rather, they are the necessary prerequisites for successful swinging, and the tools that enable couples to change together (as, I agree, everyone does over time, from the influences of many life events, including swinging) while keeping and strengthening their bond. I also agree that sometimes even great communication fails- we are, after all, imperfect beings. But having a strong relationship that is built on mutual trust and (generally)?good communication is the very thing that allows couples to withstand even miserable failures of communication. To return to the analogy, the great communication is what allows a couple to help each other to avoid the mines, or to defuse them.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I noticed that most couples right away start using the communication and bond strengthening cliches right after their first experiences, not realizing that this will change their couple for ever and that most of them have a poor knowledge or sense of the fact that as humans we keep on changing and evolving every day, that that great communication will sometimes fail miserably, that their internal emotional structure will undergo changes they cannot even fathom and that this is a very high risk behavior, a minefield that very few survive.

 

Every couple is different.

 

X may be what happens for some, Y may be what happens for others, it would be equally irresponsible to say "this improves every relationship" as it would be to say "this destroys every relationship". I've written a few things here and there about this, but the general idea is that there is a unique dynamic to every relationship. Every relationship has some "currency" between the two, different power dynamics, levels of trust, shared goals, varying libidos. Sex is just a fun form of recreation to some people, sex is a loaded emotional weapon for others.

 

Most importantly, though, every couple has a varying level of self-awareness, and it's certainly true that some people go into this without understanding what they're getting into. I've seen plenty of narratives on this forum that raise red flags to me. Some people aren't totally aware of their own mtoives or priorities. I think OP's question was very astute.

 

I do think saying that "very few survive" is a claim that requires some evidence: for every couple we see that has been successfully swinging for a long time and for every couple we see that has tried it and exploded in mid-air, I suspect there are a dozen couples that have had casual experiences that were not particularly dramatic and never felt the need to tell anybody or go into an in-depth, dramatic analysis of it.

 

Mrs. EastInWest and I had a soft swinging experience early on, unplanned. It didn't rock our "internal emotional structure", nor did it bring about some kind of revolution in the way we communicate. We just both really like to fuck, it's a key part of what we're doing together in the first place, and were having more fun than usual.