Best way to approach others in a swing club?

[twoormoretotango 35]

We had our first swing club visit about a month ago, and we were prepared to just play with each other in the play rooms, which would be very hot especially as newbies! (Newbie to this, but married for many many years!) Great club, everyone was open and friendly, but it was also obvious that many of the couples were regulars and immediately sat with people they knew when they came in. We got over our first time nerves, and got lucky in that we had a couple walk past us later in the evening, looking for a place to sit, and we invited them to join us. They did, we hit it off, and ended up playing with another couple for the first time, in a big group room, and all our fears fell away - it was great for both of us!

 

So, going for the second time. The club is a long drive away, hours, so we can't go every week. But this time, we don't want to be that couple that just sits by themselves and hopes someone comes to them. We'd like to practively go meet other couples. But we aren't exactly sure the best way to do that. I know, go up to a couple and say "Hi! I'm Nikki, this is my hubby Doc, we just wanted to say hello!" But since there is that underlying sexual thing going on, how do we do that without the couple thinking we are approaching them asking if they want to play? We MIGHT want to play with them, but we just really want to get to know people. I assume everyone in the club (maybe 100 people?) is there assuming when others approach them it is a sexual "probe?"

 

Yeah - maybe overthinking. LOL! But just want to figure out the best way to mingle especially when many couples already have their regular friends there.

 

Thanks1

[sunbuckus 3,569]

docandnikki, I think that "Hi! I'm Nikki and this is my husband, Doc," is a great ice breaker. I think everyone knows that just because you say hi, it doesn't mean you want to jump into bed with them. In fact, I'm betting that the couples that are sitting by themselves are just as nervous and scared about going out and putting that same impression on others. Just go out, say hi to other, be friendly, and after talking for awhile, excuse yourselves to go mingle some more. This also give you time to talk to each other if you are interested in that couple or not. If not, then keep introducing yourselves to other couples. If so, make your way back to that couple later. Rinse and repeat where ever you go!

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Additional suggestion: If the club has an active website/forum/board, throw out a post saying what date you'll be attending, and that you are looking forward to meeting some great couples, and "feel free to drop us a message letting us know you'll be there too".

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Another thing is to get there early enough to get a good choice of tables. That way, you can get one more in the middle of things. It's going to be a little more hassle to make your way through the crowd to get back and forth to your table, but if you have one in the middle, then you've got four tables around you, so that is probably 5-10 couples right there that you can introduce yourselves to without even having to get up, and it requires less of a direct approach than just walking up to someone.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,027]

For many clubs, you are not able to post in their private sections unless you are a paid member. Most, however, have a discussion area at a swingers' hook-up site like SLS or SZC. You can tell people there that you intend to attend. You can also use a Web site facility like "Hot Date".

[shy_couple 460]

We are as our handle implies a little on the shy side. This has gotten way easier the longer that we are out there. Mrs Shy will usually open with hello or more often compliment the other lady on what she is wearin, we chit chat a bit, introduce ourselves and go from there.

[Gordo 618]

My wife and I would be very receptive to someone walking up and introducing themselves as you describe. Meeting someone is just that looking to make judgements about future hooking up. Yes the sexual undertone is there but doing that is not saying fuck us on the spot. It's just a opening to see if things fit.

 

Definitely overthinking it!

[Fundamental Law 2,928]

It's remarkable that we are having a discussion on adults introducing one another to adults. Half a century ago--that is, pre-internet, pre-cellphone, etc--basic social skills were taught, tested and remediated. For example, some of is even survived "dancing school", where the boy had to call for the girl at her home, make their way to the class, and return her unscathed. Grape juice substituted for wine, and between dances we were expected to have polite conversation that engaged everyone at the table. Adults would filter by, listen and occasionally interject comments that miraculously broke silences and moved us forward. We had to invite others onto the dance floor. Once there, we had to switch partners ("may I cut in?") and so on.

 

While middle school boys were typically as awkward as the middle school girls were cliquish, we patterned some social graces. This stood us in excellent stead during the high school dating years and on into whatever we did after high school. Such skills are basic to the workplace, to the neighborhood and to life. They are also basic to the LS.

 

The fact is that all of us encounter situations where we don't know a soul. At the supermarket, boarding an airliner, at a conference--these are common situations. We forget that the others are often in precisely the same position of being isolated in the midst of so many people. Getting over the barrier and saying "Hi, we're so-and-so! We couldn't help noticing your lovely {necklace, earrings, dress, shoes etc.}..." or "Hi, we're so-and-so and we're brand new here! Would you tell us about..." seems much harder than it should be.

[twoormoretotango 35]

What throws us at the moment is, being newbies, going up to people in a sex club, with everyone there for the reason of having sex with people, and introducing ourselves in a way that doesn't make the other couple feel like "OK, we need to make sure this couple knows we aren't interested in playing with them tonight." So just trying to find out from people who have been to swing clubs much more often than we have what the best way to do that is - i.e. how to introduce ourselves in a way that makes it clear we are simply trying to get to know everyone so we can become a "regular" too.

 

And it sounds like there's no special way that's done - you just introduce yourself the way you normally would in a vanilla bar or party where you don't know anyone, and be upfront "Hi, I'm Nikki, this is my hubby Doc! This is only our second time here and we are just trying to get up off our chairs and get to know everyone! And I LOVE those shoes you have on!" etc.

[Fundamental Law 2,928]

Our experience is that a swing club is like any other social setting, with the exception that you have to be prepared to gracefully say "no, thank you" and be recipient of same. Otherwise think of it as a vanilla party and you won't be disappointed, neither will they...

[twoormoretotango 35]

Our experience is that a swing club is like any other social setting, with the exception that you have to be prepared to gracefully say "no, thank you" and be recipient of same. Otherwise think of it as a vanilla party and you won't be disappointed, neither will they...

 

Thanks (and thanks to everyone who replied.) I will say we were SO surprised at how much easier and relaxed and friendly and easy it was! Our only experience had been about 5 years ago when we put a profile up on a board just to see what would happen and said Nikki was VERY Bi but had never actually experienced it.

 

We got lucky and met a couple who we hit it off with and the ladies played and it was wonderful, but we had it move ( job loss during the recession) and lost contact. So whether we would feel jealous when seeing each other playing with another couple ( soft swap first night as in everything except cross couple penetration) or whether it would be just too weird being around other people having sex or what was an unknown.

 

We were prepared and expecting to just get a feel for the club, get past our first time ever scares, and hopefully have a hot time having sex with each other in a room. One couple sat with us and we enjoyed talking with them but they excused themselves at went it a room. Then another couple was looking for a table (in vanilla bars we like to get a big table so when it gets busy we can invite fun looking couples to have a seat!) joined us, we chatted, the ladies hit it off, the guys hit it off, next thing you know the ladies are touching each other's arms and then a kiss then out I a group room and the ladies climbed on an empty spot and played and then they invited the guys it join them.

 

With respect (can I touch her?) it went further and next thing you know we are shifting around and doing just about every combo short of cross couple penetration and eventually we just collapsed and smiled at each other. And we talked after and the two of us were very surprised at how hot it was and how EASY it was!

 

So now we're going back next Saturday and even though we know the odds of connecting with another couple is low (we are new to the club and on the older end of the spectrum) we still will be disappointed if we don't connect. Since last time we didn't get up and go around and introduce ourselves we just want it do that this time, and it sounds like just do it like we would anywhere. Expect maybe here have Nikki"s nipple rings showing as a conversation starter.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

with everyone there for the reason of having sex with people, and introducing ourselves in a way that doesn't make the other couple feel like "OK, we need to make sure this couple knows we aren't interested in playing with them tonight."

 

A lot of people go to clubs without the intention being they are going to play no matter what. Some may go with that frame of mind, the majority are probably more of the mindset if it happens it happens, and then some don't play at all. Keeping that in mind may take some of the pressure off and help you stay more in the vanilla bar mindset.

 

A lot of it depends on circumstances too. Striking up a polite conversation with people around you isn't likely to be taken as anything more than exactly that, being polite, but see a couple making their way directly to you from all the way across the room, then yes, they are probably wanting to meet you for more than just exchanging a few introductions and some chit-chat.

[twoormoretotango 35]

So I thought I should follow up with the club date Saturday night and how it went.

 

We went in with no expectations except having a good time with each other. But we did decide to be proactive in saying hello to people, as discussed above. There were a couple of couples where it was just that simple, such as when we went out to the patio and on the way back in just paused as we passed an outdoor standing up table with a couple of couples, introduced ourselves and said this is our second visit and we just want to say hi and introduce ourselves, and did and then kept going. We saw a couple by themselves at a long bar table, and walked over and introduced ourselves, they were maybe a little older than us, and started chatting. It went well, and I honestly think they would have played with us if we wanted, but the guy just wasn't attractive to my wife - she isn't picky looking for George Clooney, but he was just very old country farmer grandpa style and I knew before we got far into chatting with them he would not be her cup of tea. The lady of the couple was fun, and the G/G is kinda core to our play, but since we now play with both of the other couple they both have to be a yes. So - we tried to figure out how to move to another table without making them feel rejected, so we said something like "Well. we need to refill our drinks, and like we said we're trying to mingle more tonight, so we will catch up with you guys later!" We still feel awkward about walking away after chatting.

 

So we ended up going past a table with a couple that looked fun and were by themselves, and we introduced ourselves. They were younger than us, more experienced (about 15 years in the LS) and we hit it off and had an easy time chatting, laughing, talking about our experiences in the LS, her talking about her ex boyfriend finding her on the website where they have a profile, etc. But after about an hour of chatting and joking, etc. we reached a point where my wife and I were kinda like, OK, where does it go from here? Are they interested or not? Do we just ask them if they want to play, or wait for them to ask (They knew it was our second time only at the club or any club, and that we had met and played with another couple the last time we were there, and that was our first play with another couple that wasn't G/G only.) They never made any move to initiate anything. Our first time to the club, when we met a couple, the ladies talked and kind of naturally progressed - touching each others arms, then legs, getting closer to each other. etc. and then they kissed and it just snowballed from there. Here it just kind of stalled. So my wife and I talked to each other when they got up to dance, and decided OK, we'll tell them we're going to go upstairs to the playroom and they're welcome to join us if they like. So when they got back from the dance floor, the other woman went to the bathroom, and the guy kinda danced with my wife by the table - he was clearly interested. She got back from the bathroom and we said "Hey, we've enjoyed this, we're going up stairs to play, probably the bigger group room, you're welcome to join us if you like" and they said something like "cool, thanks!" Apparently the other woman wasn't interested, because we never saw them again. Didnt even see them later in another room. Didn't hurt our feelings, in fact, we kinda felt like we hope we didn't keep them from meeting others to play with!

 

Lastly - our second time at this club and we were surprised by two things. One, last time was Men's Shirt night, and probably half the women dressed that way. This time was Bi Ladies night - but there was nothing at all to indicate that was the theme. They had a balloon busting game, but it was couples, not ladies only. There was no indication of any kind at all that there was a theme. The other surprise - last time, we went to the big group room with the couple we played with, and the room was pretty packed. One of the 6 beds was open, that was where we went, but the room stayed filled with people playing, and couples standing next to the beds watching and playing with each other. The club seemed just as full this time but the group room seemed to stay pretty empty. We climbed up on a bed and played with each other for about an hour, but mainly it was couples walking in, taking a look, and leaving. At the end there were two other couples playing on the beds and maybe two couples watching and giving BJs. But it seemed very different than a couple of weeks ago. Also we didn't see a single room where couples were playing with other couples, and even though Bi Night, not a single G/G play. It was just kinda odd.

 

Anyway figured I owed people an update since you all provided suggestions! Thanks!

[Hippiegirlie 276]

 

Lastly - our second time at this club and we were surprised by two things. One, last time was Men's Shirt night, and probably half the women dressed that way. This time was Bi Ladies night - but there was nothing at all to indicate that was the theme. They had a balloon busting game, but it was couples, not ladies only. There was no indication of any kind at all that there was a theme. The other surprise - last time, we went to the big group room with the couple we played with, and the room was pretty packed. One of the 6 beds was open, that was where we went, but the room stayed filled with people playing, and couples standing next to the beds watching and playing with each other. The club seemed just as full this time but the group room seemed to stay pretty empty. We climbed up on a bed and played with each other for about an hour, but mainly it was couples walking in, taking a look, and leaving. At the end there were two other couples playing on the beds and maybe two couples watching and giving BJs. But it seemed very different than a couple of weeks ago. Also we didn't see a single room where couples were playing with other couples, and even though Bi Night, not a single G/G play. It was just kinda odd.

 

Actually, that's not really odd at all. Clubs are different each time you go because there is a different vibe and a different blend of people each time, just like regular vanilla clubs. In my area, themes are "suggested" and I would say that less than half the people actually adhere to the theme (I rarely do.) Level of play also varies and some nights the larger rooms will be packed and sometimes you can't find a smaller room to save your life. One club I frequent has a BDSM themed room and in the 3+ years I had been going there I never saw anyone in it until some friends and I put on a demonstration of sorts and drew a crowd. It takes those first couples/people to "be the first" and get things going and if you watch you will see others following soon after. The trick is either waiting for the starters or being willing to be the starters.

 

Hang in there. I think you did a great job of mixing and mingling!

 

HG

[Tia Vampire 167]

When you are new to a club, most regulars won't try to scare you off. They may come introduce themselves and say hello. Regulars know their surroundings. They know who plays and who does not. That is why I recommend to so many newbies to party hop to find a club you are comfortable at, then get to know the people that attend. That way you all become comfortable with each other. By mingling everyone get to know what you are into and what you are not. Within a few months or so, you will only attract the people that are into what you are and the others will just be friendly toward you and become good friends. It's a win win when becoming a regular at a club.

[SwingSetWife 444]

Our experience is that a swing club is like any other social setting, with the exception that you have to be prepared to gracefully say "no, thank you" and be recipient of same. Otherwise think of it as a vanilla party and you won't be disappointed, neither will they...

 

Sorry but I have to respectfully disagree.... sort of. I do think for newbies the situation can be very intimidating. I know, for a lot of people, it sets all your insecurities on edge. And going in knowing that the atmosphere Is "sex" makes things a little more difficult than saying "excuse me, could you hand me the item off the high shelf."

 

sS I think it has less to do with lacking social skills as it does being insecure and fearing rejection or having to reject someone.

 

I think once people get their feet wet, they realize things are not as scary as first perceived (as op did).

 

I do agree that thinking of it as a vanilla party makes things much easier.

 

 

Forgot to add.... The clique thing does make it awkward (read high school). One of the clubs near us is a lot of tourists and the other is more locals that attend EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. They go in knowing exactly who they are going to sit with, talk to, and a lot of times, play with. Luckily the managers and other staff are super friendly and inviting. More than willing to show a new (and shy) couple around and introduce them to the regulars.

[BiCaliGirl777 48]

The best way is to think of entering the place just like as if you're going to a restaurant, bar, concert, etc. Give friendly eye contact, introduce yourself, make the conversation light, read the non-verbal (avoiding eye contact, body turned away from you) and verbal communication. That always works with me lol

[kikonkrome 845]

So we are newbies too, and we are definitely pretty outgoiing. We like to 'see how many people we can talk to' which is just our way of testing the waters. We do this too at vanilla social events, although frankly we get less of a cold shoulder at our swing club.

 

A Couple things we are working on. Catching the vibe of the other couple, are they flirting? That is normally tricky. Some people, both men and women are more flirty than others. Also it's just weird flirting with a woman in front of my wife. Funnily enough I get a big kick out of it when people flirt with her (the problem of being married to a beautiful woman is that men hit on her all the time).

 

Also things happen fast and furious. One minute I am talking to one couple and my wife is talking to another couple. We have to 'exit, and discuss'.

 

There is no question in my mind that the whole scene gets overwhelming, just kinda a sensory overload. That being said we have a great time.

 

We have emailed couples we thought were interesting from the last time we were there to try and meet the next time we are there, kinda thing. Pre - break the ice.

 

Frankly if you are shy at this game it's going to be tricky. Also by talking to a multitude of couples you get more options, when a partner goes cold.

 

Have fun!

[Tia Vampire 167]

When you approach a couple, introduce yourself and your wife. Explain that you are new and just wanted to introduce yourself and trying to get to know others in the life-style or club. That way thete are no expectations of sex. If the couple wishes to get to know you better they will continue asking you and you wife questions. The best way i have found to break the ice is to ask the female half (I'm also a female) to dance. Girl just want to have fun. Men usually are not the dancers in a couple. I have had women say, I can't dance but my husband might. Then we do. After the song goes off I give the guy a hug and say, thank you. Then I introduce myself by saying, I'm Tanya by the way. Sometimes I'm invited to join them at their table for a drink or sometime during the night I may be asked to dance again. New friend made : )