How Do You Feel About Poly?

[sunbuckus 3,567]

A recent response got me wondering, how do you feel about poly? Does it scare you? Does it confuse you? Interest you? Does it make you want to shake your fist in the air and shout at the moon? Or are you ambivalent? Or have no feelings about it?

 

For me, I'm interested in it and had a close encounter with it but knowing that it takes everyone involved to be comfortable with the idea, it had to be put on the back burner where it might stay forever.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I can't see either of us in a poly situation, but I am intrigued by those that are in successful poly relationships, and believe that if it works for you, then go for it.

 

Truth is, I'm too damn lazy to emotionally invest in an additional person/persons.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Before I would have said it just didn't interest me, no feelings about it either way. But over time, I have come to find the subject interesting in how the dynamic of it works, and to have an appreciation for the amount of work it must take take to successfully navigate and sustain a poly relationship, and I can see how if the right type of individuals are involved and can make it work, they can build something very beneficial to all.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

I LOVE women and every day I see a very interesting woman that I would like to get to know (fuck). I love women of all shapes, sizes and colors and ages (must be over eighteen, ID required if you look under thirty). If you are horny and want to fuck, I'd like to help! Being married requires that you ask my wife for permission which will get us both shot:lol:.

[couplers 4,614]

Truth is, I'm too damn lazy to emotionally invest in an additional person/persons.

 

This is Petra with a few thoughts. Being in a poly group, we are the ones that are emotionally lazy - we don't need to fight the emotional attraction we have to our other sex partners who are the source of our sexual variety. I feel I am the antithesis here on the Swingersboard, I and my poly foursome didn't swing until recently, and now do so occasionally with only one married couple. Being poly for me is being able to be emotionally as well as sexually open, to be able to tell a man other than my husband that I love him in addition to fucking him. My love for a woman is enhanced by the fact that she loves my husband as well. It wasn't something any of us set out looking for, we were just unafraid to let it develop. All the credit goes to hubby - he is the one that figured out while we were dating (and had begun to have sex) that I was still seeing and sleeping with my ex-fiance. He didn't throw a fit as one would have expected, rather he told me to do what I felt was right, that he wouldn't use it as an excuse to have sex with anyone else. Our relationship, and marriage, continued to develop to include my boyfriend. But it took someone very, very special.

[ViSexual 1,008]

I don't think I'd ever want a triad that brought another woman into my marriage. One is enough and, besides, my current wife isn't bi so I'd be left to try satisfying two women.

 

I could see one man we know though. He's just bi enough for me to enjoy him too. He's one of the few husbands we played with that my wife really liked beyond sex. He's infatuated, still, with my wife and it's only her who would be the deciding element if he were to become single.

[yorktownvaguy 76]

Visexual I do not think that being in a poly relationship means that (with multiple women or men) they necessarily have to be bisexual.

 

As for me I can see being in a poly relationship ... either with two women or with two guys and one woman ... or even more complicated. Having lived in Africa and the Middle East, I have seen it work; and again it does not have to be bi (says I who is bi).

[81lizard69 470]

We were involved with a couple that was interested in having a poly relationship with us. They wanted to blend our families into one larger family and have us all share in the benefits of a quad income home. We all had children and would have liked us to take turns in those responsibilities.

 

To me.. I see that what they wanted was different from what we wanted in a relationship. I just wanted, along with my wife wanted to swing together and have a good relationship with one couple. They were talking about taking it to a level we just did not want to go to. I really could not imagine having four people in a bedroom more than once a week. Or having my wife be that emotional intimater with another man. Much less share my family like that.

 

We did not really even consider it as a option. I did like the other wife.. Well I really liked her. My wife liked the man. But it just seemed like to much.. add to that we were at different financial places in our lives. I felt that I would be supporting them. It just was not a viable option.

 

Considering that we swing with a core group of friends we almost feel that they are more than friends..actually they are. Just we aren't.

 

The fantasy in my head would be to have to bi women sleeping with me every night. I could handle that.. but I dont think my straight wife would do it.

 

Has anyone invented the Bi pill yet?

[Gordo 618]

Although it would be hard to imagine a poly life I must admit there was one couple we meshed with so well it could have happened. It does seem like a lot of emotional work though to keep things balanced.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I think for those who have experienced and been in poly relationships, they will say that the pros outweigh the cons...just like with children. They require a lot of financial responsibility, time, and emotional investment but what you experience--those moments when they say "I love you", their first words, their first anything, the hugs and kisses, etc.--you couldn't imagine a life without them. But just like not all people should be parents...not all people should or could be poly.

[Gordo 618]

The thing is I don't think the average couple. even in swinging or other alternative lifestyles, really goes into a sex based relationship with that thought in mind. In fact I'm sure the vast majority have very little understanding or information about poly and the thought just wouldn't ever cross their minds.

 

I mean we got into swinging without the benefit of a board like this to get info out of and man did we F*** up a lot of stuff in retrospect. Without some great info I don't know how someone would handle poly which now includes love and the attendent emotions without some great grounding. Can you even imagine it pre-internet.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

The thing is I don't think the average couple. even in swinging or other alternative lifestyles, really goes into a sex based relationship with that thought in mind. In fact I'm sure the vast majority have very little understanding or information about poly and the thought just wouldn't ever cross their minds.

 

I mean we got into swinging without the benefit of a board like this to get info out of and man did we F*** up a lot of stuff in retrospect. Without some great info I don't know how someone would handle poly which now includes love and the attendent emotions without some great grounding.

 

Very true. I would bet that most people would equate polyamory to the polygamist groups in Utah...because that's what I did before I ever found this forum. Now, I see it as maybe having a sliver of polyamory but for the most part, they are completely different.

 

Can you even imagine it pre-internet.

 

Nope...I've been using the internet for more than half my life!

[couplers 4,614]

Your situation is an interesting contrast to ours.

 

We were involved with a couple that was interested in having a poly relationship with us. They wanted to blend our families into one larger family ...

Red, David and I were all single when our poly thing started, so maybe that made it easier. Clair came along after hubby and I married, but not long afterwards.

 

... I really could not imagine having four people in a bedroom more than once a week.

We are not all in the same bed every night, Silly. Clair, hubby and I live together in a house where there are two bedrooms for us - one has a king bed the other a double. Although the three of us often sleep together, it's not always. Many times hubby will have sex with both of us women at some time during the day, but leave us girls to sleep together while he sleeps alone. Red lives close by and there are frequent nights I spent at his place. So it's not a party every night.

 

... add to that we were at different financial places in our lives.

Again, an interesting contrast to us. We were all just starting out when we formed our group, so the financial issues weren't too many. We have had different levels of financial success, but we can all contribute to the needs of the household without any problems. We have sort of an "ours" and "mine" split of the money each of us makes.

 

Question - Just as a follow up, did you and your wife have what I would consider THE talk, the one about whether each of you could have a marriage where you also loved some one else? Thanks for sharing.

[Gordo 618]

Nope...I've been using the internet for more than half my life!

 

Lord woman are you even legal:confused:

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Lord woman are you even legal:confused:

 

lol, yes! Internet has been around way longer than you think.

[Gordo 618]

lol, yes! Internet has been around way longer than you think.

 

Not to hijack the thread but I bought my first computer in 1987 27 years ago and wrote my software (such as it was) then. It was an IBM XT and cost me $6500 in 1987 dollars.

The internet part of it I've been on almost since it was founded. I must have been second or maybe third in line right after Al Gore invented it.

[Hott Times 70]

Until we got into this "progressive swinging" situation we find ourselves, my wife and I would have never even thought of, let alone considered being poly. However we met a fantastic couple that we matched with so closely, sexually, intellectually, physically, even sense of dance and humor, that our relationship evolved beyond just normal swinging. While we live far apart from each other, we communicate with each other almost daily, and get together several times a year, for a few days to over a week each times with all 4 of us. Still not sure if we would consider it poly, but it is beyond normal swinging.

[SwingSetWife 444]

I admit that I know very little about the dynamics of a poly relationship, but I can tell you what we have discussed and my current thoughts on it.

 

When we started talking about getting back into swinging last year, SSH was really concerned about whether or not I would fall for someone. I get very emotionally attached to people. And in the past, I have associated sex with emotions. I find I don't do this with swinging, but I know that the possibility is always there. I have tried to assure SSH that I will always put our relationship first and not do anything to jeopardize it. If I felt myself getting emotionally attached to someone, I would tell him, and we would just have to distance ourselves from the situation.

 

With that being said, I do find the topic extremely interesting and would like to learn more about it. I have never believed in the idea that people had to love only one person at a time. I have thought often about what things would be like if we brought someone else into the mix. Ideally, (at least as I have imagined it) it would be with another woman. Why? Because I like women. I like g/g play, but I also love so many other things about women. Just simply being affectionate with another woman and having a closeness beyond friendship is appealing to me. Besides, I have a man and really don't see any reason why I should or would want to put up with another one .

 

But I don't ever see a poly relationship working out for us (never say never right?). I am perfectly willing (and like it!) to share my husband with other women sexually. But I don't think I could stand to have another woman tell him she loves him or vice versa. And even worse, I don't think I could stand for my kids to tell another woman they love her. I honestly feel like it would break my heart and the jealousy would drive me crazy.

 

Furthermore, I just don't know how other things work out in poly relationships. Do you keep lives separate or is it a complete blending of lives? For example, SSH and I know that we are not going to have any more kids. But what would we do if we feel in love with a woman that wanted kids? Would we live separate or together? Would we combine finances? Who would clean the toilets? I'm assuming you would handle everything like you would entering into any relationship, but I see SSh and myself sticking together on the issues that we have figured out for our own lives together and I'm not sure how much wiggle room there would be there.

 

Too many things to consider. Thanks for listening while I thought out loud

[Fours Company 169]

To be honest, I've never understood the concept of Poly, let alone been interested in it as to me while Polys could also be considered swingers, swingers are not Polys, if that makes sense.

 

I guess for us the LS has always been about the sharing of bodies and while we have cared very much about some of our LS friends like our current "go-to" couple, our hearts are only shared with each other. Though as a swinger, I obviously understand and believe in the concept of one sharing physical pleasures with others, I just don't understand how one can give or receive an emotion such as love equally to others.

 

Perhaps I'll admit that a concept such as Poly does give me trepidation and yes, maybe even frighten me a little. This is also the reason why I had such an issue not too long ago with friends who seemed very interested in having a sleep over with the other spouse and even swapping for a weekend and though I had a hard time grasping why they wanted this, my suspicions were going up that path.

 

At this point in our life we prefer to limit our relationships with other couples to sex only and don't ever see that changing. Though I'll admit many of my sessions with others have been intimate to the point I feel more like I'm "making love" rather than "just having sex", I only love the one woman I've chosen to share my life with.

[ref2018 29]

I just don't understand how one can give or receive an emotion such as love equally to others.

 

Giving/receiving love to/from more than one other person doesn't have to be "equal" and it doesn't have to be understood by everyone (especially people who are not part of the relationship) in order to be possible. If it's not your thing, don't do it, but just because some people can't wrap their mind around something doesn't render it false or illusory.

 

I often see poly people saying the same thing about swinging: They just don't understand how one can have sex WITHOUT giving/receiving love.

 

I am not either of those people. I can be in love with more than one person at the same time, and I can also enjoy sex with someone without being in love with them.

[CalendarGirl 148]

I'm extremely interested in a poly relationship. After 17 years of marriage (now divorced) I think it's unrealistic that just one person could meet all my needs and/or wants. I had this conversation with a recent "man-panion" who is a swinger that has never been married. He didn't really understand poly until I used a very simplistic example. He has high blood pressure so is unable to enjoy hot tubs. I love hot tubs. So I told him that if he and I were in a relationship then I would want another partner that could enjoy the hot tub with me. It seems like a silly example but he got it. Years ago I worked for a woman that had a husband and a boyfriend, they had all been together since college. She went on tropical, scuba-diving vacations with the boyfriend and Nordic vacations with her husband. She spent a week at a time on each coast, boyfriend on the west, husband on the east so she always had companionship. Even at the time I thought it was fantastic, even though I was married. Of course, I'm single, without any romantic relationship so I understand that this could change with the right partner. But I can see myself (and others have actually agreed) in a poly relationship with a man (well, at least one) and a woman.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I'm extremely interested in a poly relationship. After 17 years of marriage (now divorced) I think it's unrealistic that just one person could meet all my needs and/or wants. I had this conversation with a recent "man-panion" who is a swinger that has never been married. He didn't really understand poly until I used a very simplistic example. He has high blood pressure so is unable to enjoy hot tubs. I love hot tubs. So I told him that if he and I were in a relationship then I would want another partner that could enjoy the hot tub with me. It seems like a silly example but he got it. Years ago I worked for a woman that had a husband and a boyfriend, they had all been together since college. She went on tropical, scuba-diving vacations with the boyfriend and Nordic vacations with her husband. She spent a week at a time on each coast, boyfriend on the west, husband on the east so she always had companionship. Even at the time I thought it was fantastic, even though I was married. Of course, I'm single, without any romantic relationship so I understand that this could change with the right partner. But I can see myself (and others have actually agreed) in a poly relationship with a man (well, at least one) and a woman.

 

I love your "man-panion" word! And it's so good to see you on the forum again, CalendarGirl! I know I'm not the only one who has missed seeing you around!

[CalendarGirl 148]

How sweet of you Sunbuckus! Being back is a little bit of therapy since I'm missing my man-panion. I have to give all the credit for that term to our very own Angelkin! Thanks for such great topics of discussion...as always!

[couplers 4,614]

I'm extremely interested in a poly relationship. ... I'm single, without any romantic relationship so I understand that this could change with the right partner. But I can see myself (and others have actually agreed) in a poly relationship with a man (well, at least one) and a woman.

 

Hi Calendar Girl, do you have a favorite month? This is Poly Petra, in a poly relationship with my husband, his/my girlfriend (who live together), and my nearby boyfriend. We have produced two beautiful children.

 

My comment almost certainly doesn't apply universally, but it is a data point that comes from our experience. (I won't repeat how we got to where we are, you can find it in all the horrid detail in other recent poly threads.) None of us started out seeking to be poly. I was a result of not only being sexually open (a trait easily found here on the Swingers Board), but also open to being emotionally open, something that swingers see as a danger and try to avoid.

 

So what I'm suggesting is that after you find "the right partner" that is not the time to become sexually or emotionally monogamous. That is exactly the time to remain open to developing other romantic relationships. Each of us in our poly family is happy that the people we love are loved, treated well, and will be taken care of by others.

 

I guess what it boils down to is that at least for us, poly is not a live-in, exclusive or semi-exclusive sexual relationship. It is about love and emotional commitment regardless of who is having sex with who among the family members.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

How sweet of you Sunbuckus! Being back is a little bit of therapy since I'm missing my man-panion. I have to give all the credit for that term to our very own Angelkin! Thanks for such great topics of discussion...as always!

Angelkin always had a way with words. . I hope you get the therapeutic feel that you need here and that you stick around after you feel better.

[couplers 4,614]

I am perfectly willing (and like it!) to share my husband with other women sexually. But I don't think I could stand to have another woman tell him she loves him or vice versa.

 

Think about it, why is that? You love your husband, so it wouldn't be bad for another woman to dote on him as well. And if you have feelings for her, the same would apply vice versa. Your husband's love for you wouldn't be less, it would be more, just like with the sexual sharing.

 

And even worse, I don't think I could stand for my kids to tell another woman they love her. I honestly feel like it would break my heart and the jealousy would drive me crazy.

 

This is where I would disagree the most. What could be better for your children than having another woman loving them and taking care of them? What if she does such a great job that your children say they love her? Our two children (with me/hubby and Clair/hubby; Red gets his with me next time) are loved by all four of us adults as parents and are loved in return the same way. Nothing makes me feel more secure in this uncertain world than if something were to happen to me, that my children (I consider Clair/hubby's son as much mine as the daughter I bore) have three other parents to look after them, including a woman.

 

I just don't know how other things work out in poly relationships. Do you keep lives separate or is it a complete blending of lives?

 

 

You do what feels right. For instance, hubby, Clair and I share a house; Red lives at this own place very close by. Red visits the house often, sometimes stays the night; I will go and sometimes stay with Red. Why two houses? Because of Red's disposition, career, and junk - he needs his own space to work, and he follows an irregular schedule. We have talk about moving into one place, but it would need to fit three people with ordinary careers and one that's a bit different. At our house, we have two "adult" bedrooms, one with a king bed and one with a double bed. Sometimes the three of us sleep together in the king bed, other times it can be any two in the king and one in the double. Finances? We basically have an "our" account we put money into to fund the household and the rest stays with the individual.

 

what would we do if we feel in love with a woman that wanted kids?

 

The same thing two people do, talk about it. Our poly group had the advantages of all starting out at pretty much the same place in life and had the same goals. We knew we all wanted children, so that worked. The timing? Clair got accidentally pregnant with hubby, so I advanced my timeline, went off contraceptives, and did pot luck with both my guys. I got pregnant within four months of Clair. We know we each want at least one more child, after that it's talk time.

 

 

 

Who would clean the toilets?

 

This is the only stupid question . The guys! Of course!

[a_d_xxx 663]

I think poly is awesome. Not that those pursuing (or falling into) it need my endorsement or blessing.

 

Just like swingers often enter swinging because they have a sexual itch that they just cannot scratch with one partner, I believe there are many folks who have emotional needs that need multiple people to fulfil. More power too them, and I'm happy that poly is achieving an elevated level of exposure in the media so that those who would fit it as a lifestyle know it's an option.

 

Personally I don't envision this as something Ms A and I will likely ever end up doing. Never say never, but our lives seem pretty much packed as it is. Kidder Kaper (the ex host of the ex podcast Sex is Fun - and perpetrator of an amazing bygone flameout attempt at joining the board) coined the term kreplit to mean a unit of emotional energy and/or time needed for maintaining relationships. I just don't envision having the 'kreplits' to sustain another relationship in addition to the one I share with Ms A, my kids, and the few close friends I manage to stay in touch with.

 

Of course I speak from a position of complete ignorance, and maybe it all just happens naturally and seamlessly, and the energy required to keep everyone on the same page magically appears (along with the time required for this avowed introvert to recharge). But for me, I doubt it.

 

Bully for you if it does. Doubt it is for me(us).

 

D

[SwingSetWife 444]

Think about it, why is that? You love your husband, so it wouldn't be bad for another woman to dote on him as well. And if you have feelings for her, the same would apply vice versa. Your husband's love for you wouldn't be less, it would be more, just like with the sexual sharing.

 

 

 

This is where I would disagree the most. What could be better for your children than having another woman loving them and taking care of them? What if she does such a great job that your children say they love her? Our two children (with me/hubby and Clair/hubby; Red gets his with me next time) are loved by all four of us adults as parents and are loved in return the same way. Nothing makes me feel more secure in this uncertain world than if something were to happen to me, that my children (I consider Clair/hubby's son as much mine as the daughter I bore) have three other parents to look after them, including a woman.

 

 

I think it is lovely that your relationships work out like this. I would certainly agree the more love, the better. But I honestly just don't see it working out that way for us. I would not want to date someone just like me. But in this situation that would be a bad thing. I am not willing to compromise the way my household is run, the way my kids are raised, and the way my husband is raised

 

When it all boils down to it, I feel that my husband fulfills my emotional needs so I can be selfish. Even if I did meet someone that we both have feelings for and maybe we could work them into the relationship, I'm not sure I would be willing to do the work. I would rather spend my time and energy working on the relationships that I already have with my husband and my children.

 

With all that being said, I'm not saying that it -never- could happen. But I certainly am not/will not be out looking for it. And if I felt we were getting too emotionally attached to someone, I think we would take steps to move away from it rather than toward it.

 

I should add- My husband, like many men, loves when I play with women. He would have it that way all the time if he could. But we talked about the "what if", and he feels the same way I do. He wouldn't want me in love with another woman just the same as he wouldn't want me in love with another man. So, for now, we will stick to the swinging.

 

Again, this is of course not a reflection of what I feel about poly altogether. I think it is wonderful for the couples and/or individuals that find joy in it.