Am I technically a single male?

[ncalfuncpl 20]

I am the male. I have been in the lifestyle for many years. I have always been half of a couple. I have never liked single males at parties and clubs, I always selected parties and clubs that at least limited single males.

 

Over the past year my significant other and I have split and have gone different ways. I am no longer part of a "Couple"

 

I have a Friend with Benefits, that had an interest the lifestyle. After some talk I took her to her first house party, as I told her she would just want to watch the first time. It got her attention, she liked what she seen.

 

Now we are attending parties as a couple. But once we are there we will play as singles or play as a couple. I will not approach a couple without her, but a single female is fair game.

 

She is only ok with playing (she likes men, woman, and couples) but only if I am in the room, even if we are playing with different people. (I like woman or a couple) she feels safe that way, if she can call my name and say she is uncomfortable, she knows I will be there.

 

Have I just found a technicality since I arrive with a female and leave with a female we are a couple...or am I the Single male that I hate at these parties? How do true couples feel about people like us?

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Have I just found a technicality since I arrive with a female and leave with a female we are a couple...or am I the Single male that I hate at these parties? How do true couples feel about people like us?

 

Unfortunately, this is going to depend on each and every couple you meet, how much you divulge about the relationship, and the couple's definition of what makes a couple. For some couples, at a cursory glance, they might see you two as a couple. For other couples, if they see you playing separately, that might be reason enough to discount you as a couple if they hold the opinion that couples should only play together. And there are yet another group of couples that might only consider two people a couple if they are married. Obviously, there are lots of other opinions of how this can go. I know this doesn't really help you but just be aware that the more a couple knows about the relationship that you and your female friend have the more likely they might consider you a single male...you might just be slightly better because you have a female accompanying you so that there can an "even swap". And for some couples, that's enough. For others, they might only swap with committed couples.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

If you arrive together and leave together then arguably you are a couple in this particular circumstance. Since you only want to play together...or at least in the same room together, this adds to being a couple. But you two are not a committed couple (as Sunbuckus pointed out) which does make a difference to some people (like us for instance). Still, I think you make the cut as long as you are bringing something (or someone in this case) to the party.

[angelkin 1,326]

Playing the devils advocate here...only committed couples have equal relationship risks inherent with swinging. Technically you are both single...and the emotional risk of falling for a play partner are higher. This view is shared by a lot of couples I know.

[SwingSetWife 444]

Well, if I saw you at the club, I would consider you a couple. You are there together. You sometimes play together/swap together. Even if you play separately, I don't automatically consider that an issue.

 

But if I chatted you up and knew the circumstances, I would consider you a "high-risk" couple. It has less to do with you being a non - committed couple and more to do with you being a "new couple". You haven't, at least to my knowledge, had the time together to deal with issues that might come up. You have yet to perfect, or even work on, any communication issues. Things like that. I would think the same thing about a couple that was committed but have been together for a short amount of time.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

But if I chatted you up and knew the circumstances, I would consider you a "high-risk" couple. It has less to do with you being a non - committed couple and more to do with you being a "new couple". You haven't, at least to my knowledge, had the time together to deal with issues that might come up. You have yet to perfect, or even work on, any communication issues. Things like that. I would think the same thing about a couple that was committed but have been together for a short amount of time.

 

Personally, I wouldn't even consider them a couple or a "new couple". They are just friends who have sex with each other but not dating. They aren't even thinking about any of the usual relationship issues that comes with being a couple. I think angelkin is right--technically, they are two singles right now. If they start dating then they are a "new couple" who is high-risk.

[SwingSetWife 444]

Sun. I agree with that to a certain extent. But I just see red flags. Which might never come to fruition.

 

Example- their communication is not great because they have not had any relationship issues. So what of one of them -does- end up falling for the other. But doesn't bring it up because of fear of rejection, fear of screwing up the current relationship, whatever. Too much drama just in that.

 

But then what if it causes jealousy. Where there might be no jealousy in the current arrangement, that can change quickly if one falls in love.

 

Example- I know that sometimes, after many years together, it is still hard for me to bring up certain things with my husband because of insecurities. So I can only imagine that could be much harder with "new couples" or "friends with benefits". I'm not interested in being in the middle of them trying to figure out what the other likes sexually, assuming they don't already.

 

I'm not saying these particular people are going to have those, or any, problems. I don't know them personally. But it's about the risk management. Something we do in every aspect of ls.

 

Now, I was thinking even when I first read the post- assuming we met this "couple" and saw them a few times at the club and everything seemed to be going well. We might take a chance if we kept everything strictly at the club. No exchanging of numbers and such. Just keep our distance in order to avoid any potential drama.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

SwingSetWife, you brought up some great examples that I didn't even consider! If they do experience jealousy, one falling in love and not the other, etc. then hopefully they are able to talk about that away from the party.

[Hippiegirlie 276]

Yes. You are a single male. just because you arrive with a partner and leave with a partner that does not make you a "couple" as you have not invested the time and work that goes into building a relationship. Now, that being said, this does not mean that you will not be perceived as a couple by others. I have 2 single males who I trust and respect and with whom I have gone to parties and other events together. Sometimes we play together for the evening and sometimes we separate, but so do actual couples. We are completely upfront about the nature of our relationship and, honestly, most couples relate to us as a couple. There are occasionally others who choose not to play with either of us and it is perfectly understandable and fine also.

so, my question is why have you never liked single males? Did you have a bad experience? Is it the rumors, reputation, etc.? How will being a single male in the lifestyle impact you?

[SwingSetWife 444]

HG- Thank you for your response. That is more along the lines of what I was trying to get out, but you put it so much more clearly and eloquently.

[lizandtom 512]

I am the male. I have been in the lifestyle for many years. I have always been half of a couple. I have never liked single males at parties and clubs, I always selected parties and clubs that at least limited single males.

 

Over the past year my significant other and I have split and have gone different ways. I am no longer part of a "Couple"

 

I have a Friend with Benefits, that had an interest the lifestyle. After some talk I took her to her first house party, as I told her she would just want to watch the first time. It got her attention, she liked what she seen.

 

Now we are attending parties as a couple. But once we are there we will play as singles or play as a couple. I will not approach a couple without her, but a single female is fair game.

 

She is only ok with playing (she likes men, woman, and couples) but only if I am in the room, even if we are playing with different people. (I like woman or a couple) she feels safe that way, if she can call my name and say she is uncomfortable, she knows I will be there.

 

Have I just found a technicality since I arrive with a female and leave with a female we are a couple...or am I the Single male that I hate at these parties? How do true couples feel about people like us?

 

We've seen so many couples break up over our 10 years in the LS, that we care less about whether a couple is 'together' in a relationship or not. The fact is, if a guy comes with a girl to a get-together, then there is someone for both of us to play with, and the same rules of respect and 'no' apply whether they are a technical 'couple' or just F buddies. Chemistry is there, or it is not; If both of us aren't playing, then neither plays. As far as singles playing as a couple, neither should expect for us to be as open minded if they want to get together subsequently as singles; depends on the people and our comfort level, but probably not.

[CalendarGirl 148]

I was in this very situation for the last 16 months. I met my "man-panion" on SLS so we both had LS experience before we met (25 years for him, 3 for me). We set up a couples profile on SLS and were completely upfront about our relationship. He was in the state for work and would eventually leave for his next job, so a true "coupledom" was not in the cards. We ended up becoming best friends and most couples we played with said they would never know we weren't a long-time married couple. There was no jealousy, I met some of his other partners and he mine. In fact, he gave me my best MFM experience with a playmate of mine that actually brought me to tears! I think I would be more concerned with her lack of experience than whether you were a "true couple" or not. I think the inexperience would lead to more drama. My "man-panion" and I always considered ourselves 2 singles but we really enjoyed playing together. He would solicit single men for my pleasure and I would do the same for him with single women. Some couples rejected us because we weren't a couple and that's fine. There are a million reasons people get rejected so what's one more.

 

Unfortunately, he has moved on to his next job, but we will still be best friends. Hopefully we'll get the chance to play as a couple again, but we'll still be singles.

 

The other morale of this story is that all single guys are not schmucks! Now is your chance to show the world that this is true. It's not a cross to bear!

[junglecouple 127]

At the club I owned, two people coming in together meant they were a "couple". Simple. Some were with GF's, some were with hookers, some were with someone else's wife or gf. the bottom line is everyone at the "picnic" brought something to the party. We, us and the guests, couldn't care less what individual relationships were. Even long married couples can cause problems, sometimes more than "temporary" couples. Often, a couple would be a pair of people that had been to the club before, but not with each other. Their reception was based much more on their attitude and social skills than their "legal" status...

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . Even long married couples can cause problems, sometimes more than "temporary" couples. .

I'm glad that somebody, formerly a club owner, said this. The place that is north and west of where we live has been very accepting of the fact that I, and at times my wife, have appeared at the door of their establishment arm-in-arm with a person now our spouse. They even have a picture on a computer screen to examine and they seem not to care. If I show up with the membership card, I'm OK, and so is the person whom I accompany.