Cold feet before going out swinging?

[libertymoon 25]

When my husband and I go out to swinging events/parties, we have to plan them a week or two ahead of time to make sure we get a sitter for the kids. I'm excited up until the day before and day of then I start to get nervous and want to just stay home or do the usual "date night" stuff. Does this happen to anyone else or is it just me? I don't know if it's just because I'm shy around other people that it makes me nervous or I'm nervous because I feel that there's a pressure to play, especially at small house parties. We have lots of experiences with large house parties but not very many intimate house parties. When it's a small group, there seems to be more emphasis that everyone will play that night.

[LFM2 1,482]

Maybe some anxiety about being with someone else? I know I'm more apt to be a little nervous before going out... I'm always tempted to stay home.

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

My wife used to get butterflies every time we'd go out for a swinging evening. It sometimes put her off a bit, and made her less receptive to the upcoming fun of the evening. She doesn't experience that now, but it took some years for that to completely fade. I think it's entirely normal. Certainly feeling pressured to play could have a direct impact on that. It makes perfect sense that the intimate house parties rather than larger environments contribute to that.

[SwingSetWife 444]

I feel like this before any party, vanilla or lifestyle. I'm really shy and have high anxiety.

 

In fact, mine is so bad that I sometimes feel like this before going out with friends I've known for 15 years. And I felt like this around hubby's family for at least the first 6 years of our relationship.

 

I find that the best thing to do is just go out. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But it is better than staying home just because you are nervous.

[libertymoon 25]

Thanks, everyone! I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who gets nervous. Knowing that others feel the same way makes me less nervous in a funny way!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

Our experience tells us that most hosts and/or hostesses of private house parties make up their invitation lists for many more reasons than "he and she fuck like stoats." With experience, I expect that you will eventually gain a sense that play is not required.

[libertymoon 25]

Thanks again, everyone! We had a great time at the house party and I'm so glad that we went instead of letting my nerves get the better of us.

[Fundamental Law 2,909]

Key word: party. It's supposed to be fun. Managing expectations is always important. Generally, the butterflies and "gee maybe we should stay home" come from expectations that make you uncomfortable. 99% of the time, the expectations that are making you uncomfortable are self-imposed and groundless. LS people like to be around LS people because of their worldview. That worldview enables play, but playing with others is not the foundation of the view--or a requirement of most parties.No one wants anyone to feel pressured because the pressured party will be the last one.

[81lizard69 470]

This is N the female half and I get those same dam preplay jitters from time to time. Esp if its a new couple. I know we have done it before but, I think to myself what if.. and that can drive me nuts. As a gained more time swinging and built a circle of friends that I am comfortable with my confidence grew and the jitters went away. Mind you my libido was going crazy at the same time. I was thinking this is so wrong but it feels so right.

[Wornsilver 219]

I am a guy who really enjoys other people, in a vanilla or swinging way, but social situations are draining for me, they take energy. I know other people who get their batteries charged from interacting with others, for instance people who "talk things out," but all my processing is done internally.

 

While I enjoy interacting, it is awfully tempting to just stay home. Both of us actually worry that our preference to enjoy each other will turn us into hermits, so when it is the "night of," it can be tempting to forget it.

 

I envy those who are a bit more balanced.

[libertymoon 25]

Key word: party. It's supposed to be fun. Managing expectations is always important. Generally, the butterflies and "gee maybe we should stay home" come from expectations that make you uncomfortable. 99% of the time, the expectations that are making you uncomfortable are self-imposed and groundless. LS people like to be around LS people because of their worldview. That worldview enables play, but playing with others is not the foundation of the view--or a requirement of most parties.No one wants anyone to feel pressured because the pressured party will be the last one.

 

While I agree that expectations contributed to the nerves, I don't think it's unrealistic to go to a swingers party knowing that you will have to talk to others and that there is a high possibility of being asked to play with someone that you are on the fence about.

[Fundamental Law 2,909]

While I agree that expectations contributed to the nerves, I don't think it's unrealistic to go to a swingers party knowing that you will have to talk to others and that there is a high possibility of being asked to play with someone that you are on the fence about.

 

Of course, anyone may be asked to do something with "someone you are on the fence about"--it is for precisely this reason that the LS has a 'golden rule': "No means No". It's something that is accepted, embraced and enforced. There are polite ways to say No, such as "No thank you", "We'd prefer not", "Probably not a match" and so on. But it is both accepted and acceptable to use a one word "No". No questions asked. Classy folks will smile, say thanks, and walk away.

 

It's still rejection, and everyone understands that. What is being rejected is not the person, but the idea of an intimate match with that person. People who interpret that kind of rejection as being about them as opposed to being about the potential match do not find much happiness in the lifestyle. Such rejection is part of the lifestyle. Again it's not a referendum on an individual. It's a comment about a potential match.

[kikonkrome 844]

I feel like this before any party, vanilla or lifestyle. I'm really shy and have high anxiety.

 

In fact, mine is so bad that I sometimes feel like this before going out with friends I've known for 15 years. And I felt like this around hubby's family for at least the first 6 years of our relationship.

 

I find that the best thing to do is just go out. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But it is better than staying home just because you are nervous.

 

I definitely have situations were I am the same way. I just call it energy. Sometimes it can be a bad thing and is overwhelming and others times I feed off of it and really enjoy the energy.

 

I NEVER sleep properly though after a night talking to people at a swing club.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

libertymoon, it sounds like you've taken some comfort and reassurance from the good advice you've gotten here. But I'm curious to know a little more about the source of your nervousness. Is it only the awkwardness of saying "no, thanks" to those you happen not to be interested in playing with? Is there any other aspect to the experience that makes you uneasy? When you find people who you like, do you enjoy playing with them?

 

We have gone to several parties hosted by one particular person, and gotten to know most of our fellow attendees. That particular party is a fun and more relaxed affair for us, because we know, and would be happy to play with, many of the people who come!

[longun45 115]

Like going to your first dance, you are putting yourself out there for the approval of others. But that is backwards, approve of yourself first and have fun.

You are built in a certain way, Your breast are fine, Your mouth is fine, Your shape is fine, your hair is fine, your legs are fine, infact you are fine. You dress as sexy as you want and you get good results. Accept yourself and remember that others are not thinking about you or judging you. you are in the right place at the right time and will have fun.

 

All of the trepidations you have are caused by being outside your comfort zone. Understand you are there to have fun and you approve of you, your husband greatly approves of YOU. Smile, be comfortable in your skin. Your comfort zone will evolve and get bigger.

 

In short you are normal. Smile and have fun. Then come here and brag about it. We like good news.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

The first time we went to a clothing-optional resort (nudist resort), we parked in the parking lot and talked for a bit...before we left without going in. Then there was the time we were int he area again and we began talking about how we still planned on going some day...but not today. Finally, we decided we were going to go and take the tour. We set our minds to doing this and darn it, we actually walked into the place and took the tour. Afterwards we felt silly that we hesitated going the first time. The hardest part is overcoming the fear we had in our minds. It was nothing like we feared it would be. This made it easier for us later as we continued on this trip we are on. This hardest time will always be the first step towards actually doing something.