Second thoughts about swinging with my girlfriend

[nitro2u2 17]

I have been bringing up the idea of swinging to my gf and last night she agreed to go ahead and try. She is ok with a full swap but isn’t comfortable it being in the same room. So most likely the plan is to go to different rooms.

 

Even though I brought up the idea, I am quite nervous now. How will it turn out to be? Will I lose her or turn her into a ‘monster’ etc? Any suggestions to calm the nerves?

[cplnluv1 874]

Why does she want to do separate rooms? Tell her you want to share the experience with her.

[couplers 4,730]

... She is ok with a full swap but isn’t comfortable it being in the same room. ...

 

Even though I brought up the idea, I am quite nervous now. How will it turn out to be? Will I lose her or turn her into a ‘monster’ etc? Any suggestions to calm the nerves?

 

From reading your other posts, you have said that you are the one that was eager to swing and your girlfriend was reluctant. In one post you said that openness to swinging was important enough to you that you wouldn't consider marrying a woman who wouldn't swing. Your girlfriend has come a long way to meet your wishes, now please, please do a little to make her comfortable and allow her to go into this the way she would like - separate rooms.

 

I know there are couples here that don't play in separate rooms, recommend against it etc., but if it is what your girlfriend initially wants this to put her at ease, then do it for her. There are several reasons that she may prefer separate rooms - she thinks there would otherwise be too much going on, she doesn't want to contend on the first time with seeing you and another woman screwing, she feels uncomfortable the first time fucking another guy in front of you, worried that you will try to control things, etc.

 

It's natural to feel nervous, but trying the swinging experience is what you wanted, so man up! Your girlfriend won't turn into a monster (except the good kind ), you won't lose her (she will actually love you more for bringing her to a new level of pleasure and satisfaction). When it's over talk about it, what you both liked and didn't, how you would like to do it next time; who knows - maybe in the future she will like to try same room play.

 

There is little to be nervous about. If it turns out not to be what you two want to do going forward, or want to practice non-monogamy in some other form, then just move on. I'm sure you have gone to restaurants that you didn't enjoy, or on vacations that didn't measure up. But that doesn't mean that you stopped going out to eat at restaurants or never went on another vacation. Try it, evaluate it, and re-calibrate.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[nitro2u2 17]

couplers said:

From reading your other posts, you have said that you are the one that was eager to swing and your girlfriend was reluctant. In one post you said that openness to swinging was important enough to you that you wouldn't consider marrying a woman who wouldn't swing. Your girlfriend has come a long way to meet your wishes, now please, please do a little to make her comfortable and allow her to go into this the way she would like - separate rooms.

 

I agree. She has come a long way in wanting to go for it. And I do agree I am showing signs of chickening out. Just worried about the consequences.

 

i'll be away for 2 weeks and she asked me if it ok if she goes clubbing and let a guy make out with her and asked me would I get pissed if she ends up sleeping with him.

 

It is a turn on but I prefer to also have been there. How should I be responding?

[ViSexual 1,008]

You should respond honestly, totally honestly.

 

But if you do want swinging to be a part of your relationship, now is the time for you to man-up and go with how she wants to try it. She's ready, right now, and you could easily miss your window of opportunity if you let your apprehensions and insecurities interfere with how she's thought she could handle it.

 

It's your call and the ball is in your court. She's said what she'd like to try.

[nitro2u2 17]

You should respond honestly, totally honestly.

 

But if you do want swinging to be a part of your relationship, now is the time for you to man-up and go with how she wants to try it. She's ready, right now, and you could easily miss your window of opportunity if you let your apprehensions and insecurities interfere with how she's thought she could handle it.

 

It's your call and the ball is in your court. She's said what she'd like to try.

 

Thanks for your reply. I get what you are saying. This is it.

 

Do you think I should let her go party, have a good time and may be do a random guy one time?

[couplers 4,730]

Do you think I should let her go party, have a good time and may be do a random guy one time?

 

Again, whatever she wants. Let her do some things her way then ask her if you can do certain things. Be overly generous to your lovely woman.

[couplers 4,730]

nitro2u2 said:

Just worried about the consequences.

 

I'll be away for 2 weeks and she asked me if it ok if she goes clubbing and let a guy make out with her, and asked me would I get pissed if she ends up sleeping with him.

 

The consequences are that she might like swinging and want to continue. Isn't that what you want?

 

If she has a good time during the two weeks you're away, she'll just love you all the more. Put your swinging hat on - let her have some fun. She is not going to leave you, why should she? She will appreciate the gift you have given her.

[nitro2u2 17]

couplers said:

The consequences are that she might like swinging and want to continue. Isn't that what you want?

 

 

If she has a good time during the two weeks you're away, she'll just love you all the more. Put your swinging hat on - let her have some fun. She is not going to leave you, why should she? She will appreciate the gift you have given her.

 

couplers- thank you so much for your advice - it makes total sense. I should learn to be confident and let go.

 

However, I know that both she and I have insecurities and nervousness around 'what happens if you find someone better in bed?' 'what happens if you end up liking swinging and I dont?' 'what happens if one of us keeps finding partners but the other isn't able to? (in a going solo case)'

 

would be nice to hear your thoughts on this too.

[Brad145 58]

Just have to throw in my 2 cents...

 

Go to a club, watch and if you're into it. be watched, then talk about it and see where you want to go from there.

 

No club in your area? find another couple for side by side instead.

[couplers 4,730]

couplers- thank you so much for your advice

Keep in mind it is worth exactly what you paid for it.

 

I should learn to be confident and let go.

At some point... But I do think that you are at that point.

 

'what happens if you find someone better in bed?'

Yes, it is possible that someone could knock your or her socks off. Then when you both get back together you talk about how good it was and it improves the sex between the two of you. As time goes on, the novelty of that other person diminishes and the excitement between the two of you increases. Some other guy (or girl) is not going to have some magic mojo in bed that overrides everything else between the two of you.

 

'what happens if you end up liking swinging and I dont?'

Then you talk about it like you would about anything else one of you like and the other didn't, like living in the city, going to the opera, etc. It could be a deal breaker, but better to find out now than later. As a start, you both so seem to be positive on it, however.

 

'what happens if one of us keeps finding partners but the other isn't able to? (in a going solo case)'

Then you adjust. You two could then only play with other couples, or find a different approach (clubs, house parties, ads) that balances things out.

 

i know that both she and I have insecurities and nervousness

I know how you feel, it was that way for me for a couple of years. Hubby (David) let me keep my ex-fiance as a lover while we dated and married, while jealousy kept me from letting him play. Finally when a friend said she found hubby attractive, I took the opportunity to tell her, "David thinks you're attractive as well; it can be arranged." The jealousy was overwhelming, but totally addictive. It was one of the best things I ever did. I still get that nervous, jealous feeling, but not in an insecure way. The best way I can compare it, is to the "burn" of a hard run.

 

Best of luck and keep us posted. Keep in mind that nothing is perfect the first time, but keep discussing it and adjusting. Thanks for sharing.

[SoFlaCouple 188]

Just have to throw in my 2 cents...

 

Go to a club, watch and if you're into it. be watched, then talk about it and see where you want to go from there.

 

No club in your area? find another couple for side by side instead.

 

^This^

 

my two cents...

 

Her going out, partying with strangers, sleeping around in a non-lifestyle environment while you are out of town is not swinging, it is a one way open non-monogamous relationship that is filled with land mines. It's also a great way for her to pick up a puppy, a stalker, or worse. Considering the risks, I recommend against it. In my opinion, it is a recipe for disaster.

 

If you are looking to experience swinging together, then look within the lifestyle. Go to a swing club, house party, meet and greet, or an online lifestyle site to find another lifestyle couple that you can swap with...in separate rooms if that's what she wants.

 

Just my opinion.

[DippingToes 19]

I agree. Our foray into the lifestyle was by watching first, getting worked up by watching, then finding out how it took us through the roof to BE watched. The next step was some minor interaction with my Wife and another woman.

We have no interest in full swing.

 

I think if "Nitro" has concerns about his lady wanting to swing separately, maybe he should reconsider his request.

 

I would recommend starting slow. You can ease in, and stop when you feel uncomfortable.

You can't undo , or "Un-see" something if you go too far.

 

Just my rookie point of view......

[sunbuckus 3,569]

nitro2u2, may I ask you a question regarding your girlfriend? Eight months ago, she was "not interested", "reluctant and hesitant" in swinging. What occurred from that time to now? Did you two have a lot of serious, open, and honest conversations about swinging and each other's concerns, desires, and fantasies? Did she happen to come here and do a lot of reading and researching? Has there been any changes or issues within the relationship?

[intuition897 2,179]

While I don't think there's anything wrong with separate-room swinging, I don't think it should be necessary to be comfortable. The question should be, why does she feel it's necessary? What does she not want you to see? My rule of thumb is if you feel like you need to hide it from your partner, you're doing something wrong. Either that you or you don't trust your partner to love every part of you -- even the part that is turned on and ravenous for other people. Swinging really highlights the fact that you are two very separate, very different individuals. All those part of yourself that you worked hard to make quiet so that you could get along come roaring to life again, and you're left trying to make peace with yourself and your partner. It's hard work - don't think that it's not! - but this is one of the coolest parts of swinging. You get to see honestly exactly who your partner really is, and you both have to work hard at learning to love each other AS IS.

 

I would instead suggest working your way up to full-swap swinging by gradually pushing your comfort levels. You don't have to jump right in with both feet. The idea of getting to screw other people is great, I know, but don't let your libido make your decisions for you. Not getting to get off with other people is not the end of the world. In fact, I'd suggest putting it out of your heads for the time being. Learn how to enjoy the kinkiness of including other people in your playtime by going to a club and dancing with strangers, flirting with the waiter/waitress, people-watching at the mall, etc. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It has to be fun for both of you; otherwise what the hell is the point??

 

One more piece of advice: do NOT get involved with people from work, close friends or neighbours. I can't tell you how many ways that can go wrong! Just throwing that out there...

[couplers 4,730]

While I don't think there's anything wrong with separate-room swinging, I don't think it should be necessary to be comfortable. The question should be, why does she feel it's necessary?

 

There are several reasons that she may prefer separate rooms - she may think that otherwise there would be too much going on for her to enjoy the sex, she doesn't want to contend the first time seeing him and another woman doing it, she feels uncomfortable the first time fucking another guy in front of him, she's worried that he will try to control things, etc. If his girlfriend is willing to make the leap that he wants and she would initially prefer this to put her at ease, then he should accommodate her. They will be close by, it's not as if she is asking for a hall pass to see an old flame in a distant town.

[SmilingHusband 49]

While I don't think there's anything wrong with separate-room swinging, I don't think it should be necessary to be comfortable. The question should be, why does she feel it's necessary? What does she not want you to see? My rule of thumb is if you feel like you need to hide it from your partner, you're doing something wrong. Either that you or you don't trust your partner to love every part of you -- even the part that is turned on and ravenous for other people.

 

I love this advice.

 

He needs to speak with her and get to the bottom of why she wants to be separate. maybe it's something they can work through.