Cheating and rule breaking has destroyed my trust

[GregandLori 18]

Greg has cheated on me with one nighters more than once in our relationship as well as continues to (even though he say's he won't) have contact with old loves from days gone by via email, text, phone, Facebook and yes even planned visits to them when he is out of town and near them on business trips. Even though he say's he wont' and knows it's wrong he still does!

 

After a long discussion about 6 months ago or so he FINALLY admitted (of which I was grateful for and and thanked him for his honesty) that he does not have the ability or desire to be monogamous. Hence, here we are exploring swinging. It would not be my first choice but I am open to it and have to say I am finding it intriguing but still not really mentally all in yet. I have a slower learning curve than he does But am finding it interesting to say the least not loving it but not hating it either. I think I just tend to be more picky than most women

 

That being said: We have been to several different venues now . A few ended up OK. We have played with one another and others as agreed BUT most have ended up disastrous. Mostly in part because HE does NOT stick with our agreed rules! We agree and review, agree and, review, and review again just before we walk in the door so there is no misunderstanding but then 3 hours into the night he breaks at least one of them almost every single time.

 

Most recently: We were at a home party of 30-40 people. There really was no one that I was interested in and I told Greg that it was OK for him to find a solo and have fun without me. BUT going back to our rule, WE BOTH agreed over and over again that we are supposed to tell one another who we are going to play with and where. Not to just disappear.

 

So off he went to troll the group, I am fine:) But then he ended up, yes, breaking a rule. He came outside to check on me asking me if he could bring me anything. “She came out as well shortly behind him asking if I was having a good time? Nothing odd as she was the hostess after all so I thought she was just roaming and being a good host. Nice girl, I liked her a lot. At that point my guy say's OK going back inside see you in a bit etc. She then goes back inside as well, but not directly together maybe 30 seconds apart. Still no reason at all to think they are hooking up. Our rule is WE SAY WHO WE ARE GOING TO PLAY WITH AND WHERE-NO DISAPPEARING ACTS. 5 minutes later her husband came out to me to and said “Hi your husband is inside fucking my wife, I hope that is OK”? NO word from my guy, NOTHING like “ hey honey, Jane doe and I are going in to play, I love you see you in a bit”. If he had done so I would have been 1000% fine. That is what I wanted him to do and told him to do. And so I told her husband - Um HELL NO it is NOT OK ! He asked why? And I told him that once again he broke a flipping rule like he does each and every time we do this and YES, I got upset and went into the room told him I was leaving and ended up making a scene because he got mad at me for it and we left. I have tried everything I can possibly do to make this man happy, but he can't even abide by a few AGREED shared rules in order to make this doable, I don't see the point in trying. I feel totally disrespected by him over and over and over.

 

He of course he is now livid with me, telling me It is all my fault as he always does when this falls apart. “I am too uptight. It is a swingers party that's what we are supposed to do go fuck other people. He said he didn't have to tell me, he sent the husband out to tell me etc....and he was just doing what I told him he could do....and how I embarrassed him and now he cant show his face to them again”. And to rub salt in the wound he told me he now tells me he is repulsed to even sleep in the same bed with me. If anything it should be the other way around.

 

WELL........My take is if he were a man of his word he would have had a great time and we wouldn't be having this issue right now would we? I was NOT mad he found someone, I was mad because I can't trust him to keep our rules right even in front of me for God's sake. I was mad because it was NOT HER husbands job to inform me, it was his! I ask a few simple things , that's it and he can't even do that. I thought this was about trust.

 

I continue to find it intriguing how he say's one thing when he is trolling to set these dates up. More or less telling me what I want to hear to get me agreeable, but then things change once we are there. He has a proven VERY RECENT history of not being able to be trusted when I am NOT around. I wanted to give him the opportunity to explore this for US so we can do this TOGETHER as AGREED so he didn't feel the need to sneak around behind my back. All I asked for were a few simple agreed rules. Because he can't keep them I can't even feel like I trust him right in front of me!!! You would think that after several times of these debacles he would be thinking OK gonna play by the rules this time – don't want to mess it up again!! How many times does it take for the rules to sink in if ever? Remember – in his mind this is ALL MY FAULT because he didn't follow the rule. What am I missing?????

[LFM2 1,482]

Hi Lori. Welcome to the Swingers Board! You've found the right place to vent. I've done my share here, too.

 

I'm seeing a lot of red flags in your posting. Not that you're doing it wrong... Swinging for a couple is what that couple makes of it. However, when they break rules and boundaries that you've both agreed upon... Well, it's just not cool. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It just makes life so much harder.

 

Can I ask how long you've been swinging?

 

I'm not quite sure how old you and Greg are, but to me, it sounds like Greg has a hard time being a grown-up and being responsible. Swingers in general, despise cheating. What we do is not cheating, as you know. When Greg has to go out of his way to be with another woman without your knowledge, or lies to you about it, it's cheating.

 

Here is where I feel obligated to tell you to stop swinging. Actually, I'm not even sure if you're swinging at all. To me, is sounds like he's cheating on you with your permission. Swinging involves an incredible amount of respect, communication and love for each other. Swinging isn't supposed to be all about me or all about you. It's a joint venture. Greg is like a 3 year old in a candy store. You tell him he can only have one candy-bar when you walk into the candy shop but, as soon as he gets in there, he's like a whirlwind in a there. He's trying to grab every type of candy he can set his eyes on. Even though the rules were agreed upon before you ever set foot in there. He agreed to it because it would get his foot in the door.

 

Swinging is an enigma. It really shows what a marriage is made of. You have to be quite happy in your own marriage for swinging to work. Your sex life at home must be intact, happy and fun before you can really have sex outside of your home with other involved. Swinging magnifies what your marriage is.

 

You've both agreed upon a simple rule. Really. How hard is it to tell you where he's going and with whom. Simple, right? Maybe his partner that night doesn't have that rule with her husband. So they both just go wondering off and leave you wondering where he is. You're right, it wasn't her husbands job to tell you where he was, but it was his and that was disrespectful that he failed in that respect. It's a small rule. Something that an petulant child would do to his mother.

 

Yes, you were at a swingers party, but that doesn't excuse the rule you have. He's livid with you because he didn't follow a rule. Ha! He might be feeling like he was treated like a child and having to tell his mom where he is and what time he's supposed to be home. He's just being a "little" resistant to the rules. Have I told you that you both should stop swinging yet? Yeah... Please stop. In my eyes, he embarrassed himself. He broke a boundary and if it were us, we would have stopped all play right there and then and left the party. We don't swing again until we've talked it out. We don't yell at each other, but we talk like adults usually do. We don't tell each other we're repulsed by the other because we're not. The one who broke the boundary accepts responsibility and it's talked out. I think you've already figured this all out on your own.

 

It's not really about what you're missing, but what you're missing out on. Swinging is a lot of fun. I have to admit that Dave and I don't have any rules. We're just out to have fun. If he plays without me, that's cool. If I play without him, it's still cool. But we do a lot of communicating and talking about our experiences. It's just who we are. Like I said before, swinging is not easy. You need to have a great marriage to begin with. It's not a way to save a marriage. I've read that less than 1% of the population swings successfully. That's a pretty low number. But to go to every party hoping and wishing he'd follow the rules is no way to swing. If you two are capable of sitting down and talking about this over a cup of coffee or a glass of tea, this is what I'd suggest. No yelling, no name calling. Just talk. Greg needs to be reminded that you are worthy of respect. It's pretty much what a marriage is made of. He needs to honor you with that respect by telling you where and whom he's with. What you're asking for is really quite simple.

 

Have you got the gist of this? Greg needs to stop acting like he's fourteen. He needs to grow up and be a man... take on his responsibility of an adult. No man (or woman for that matter) needs to swing or needs to have sex with other women. It's what they want, but not a need. You both need to be on the same wavelength so to speak.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Hi, GregandLori (and welcome to the forum!). Thank you for sharing so much of your situation with us. Sometimes, the more information a member is able to share, the better the advice you will receive. LFM2 has shared a lot of great information and advice with you.

 

For me, once you began with the back story of your husband cheating on you repeatedly and continues to do so even after you know about it tells me a lot about him...and I hope that what I'm going to say won't be too hurtful to you but I think you may already know that what I will say is true in your heart. Just the act of cheating on you shows signs of disrespect toward you, the relationship you two have, and your feelings. He isn't thinking about you at all but only of himself and his "needs". His highest priorities aren't about you but him--his needs and desires are of more importance to him than you and the relationship. Don't get me wrong, we're all human and we all make mistakes. Sometimes we get into these selfish phases and can put on blinders but when you're in a relationship, it is a lot easier to fall prey to these phases when there is something else going on in the relationship. Maybe someone is feeling neglected emotionally or sexually. Maybe someone is feeling resentful about their role in the relationship. Or maybe there have been some major life stresses going on. When these sorts of things happen in a relationship, it is up to both halves of the couple to be able to communicate and talk about these issues instead of internalize them and seek solace or support elsewhere. Unfortunately, for those couples who don't have strong communication skills with each other or enough comfort in the knowledge that their partner won't run screaming in the other direction if they talk about certain issues (sex, money, etc.), talking with your partner can seem scary or stressful.

 

I agree with LFM2, you two are definitely not in the right place in your relationship or frame of mind to be swinging and that you two should stop now and work through the issues you two have together. Swinging without great communication skills in a relationship is like playing Russian Roulette. You might be able to have some good/okay experiences (by being lucky) but once you have a bad experience and can't be open, honest, caring, and respectfully communicate about it with each other, it can be devastating. There are a lot of "potholes" that a couple may encounter on their swinging journey: safe sex, whether to swing together or separately, kissing, pacing, 4-way attraction, how to say no, taking one for the team, etc. These are just a small handful of possible topics that couples need to talk about with each other comfortably--without feelings of anger, resentfulness, and accusation.

 

However, this process also takes both of you two work through this, and as LFM2 stated, your husband is acting like a child, not an adult. He needs to be able "wake up" and realize what he is doing to you and your relationship and, unfortunately, this is not something you can do for him. He has to realize this on his own. You may be able to help him on his journey but something in his mind has to click in order for him to say to himself, "Hey! I've been acting like a selfish prick! I need to change." Until that happens, he is going to remain resentful and blame you for blocking his ability to "have fun" with other women.

 

In the end, I hope you are willing to do what you can to work through your marital issues but I also hope that you look out for yourself in the end in case your husband is unable/unwilling to see what he is doing to you and your marriage.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

. . . he does not have the ability or desire to be monogamous. Hence, here we are exploring swinging. . .

I only had to read this and I did not have to read the remainder of your story. Swing seldom works to control infidelity. You should also have some consideration for the party-goers to not bring unneeded drama into their lives. Fix your relationship first; then, and only then, if everything seems right, consider swing lifestyle.

[Mochacino 188]

Welcome to the forums and I am so sorry you are having this problem. I want to tell you a short story. You're entire post was my life with my ex-husband. Down to the very smallest details. My former husband cheated from the very beginning, in all ways shapes and forms. I agreed to try swinging as a way to keep him from cheating and established much of the same rules you descibed. He broke them every single time. And continued to cheat with others while being in the LS...He was more interested in getting his desires met no matter what the agreed upon rules, conditions or standards were. He was a cheater. Plain and simple. Now my advice to you... My dear, this will NEVER EVER change...I agree that you should attempt to talk and reach an understanding. But he has proved to you that he is going to continue to do what benefits himself first. Stop. Think. Talk. BUT... understand that this is not your problem. It is his. And until he wants to follow the rules he will not. He has no reason to. He can do exactly what he wants and he can blame you for it. Please... Stop. Think. Talk. But you can not make him follow the rules.

[Tahoecple 319]

“Greg has cheated on me with one nighters more than once in our relationship as well as continues to:”

 

Cheat on me once shame on you, cheat on me twice shame on me. One of the biggest mistake people make is either going into a relationship or staying in a relationship with the idea they are going to change the other person. People are who they are and in almost every case, what you see is what you get, if you don’t like what you see don’t take it in the first place. Thinking you are going to change somebody to fit what you’re looking for will never work.

 

“After a long discussion about 6 months ago or so he FINALLY admitted (of which I was grateful for and and thanked him for his honesty) that he does not have the ability or desire to be monogamous.”

I don’t really think you understood what he told you. You may thank him for his honesty but what he told you is there is no way he is going to be monogamous. That, probably should, be taken to mean that there is nothing you can do to change that. That leaves you one of two choices either ignore his running around on you or end the relationship because it’s not going to change.

 

“Hence, here we are exploring swinging.”

Why? I’m not trying to be rude or condescending but why are you involved in swinging. It really sounds like you’re telling us that you are involved in swinging because you can’t stop you husband from cheating so the least you feel you can do about it is having some kind of say in who he cheats with.

 

In everything that you have written you have not mentioned once what it is that you personally are looking for in the lifestyle. You have mentioned that you went to a party, with what maybe twenty men there and not one of them sparked any interest in you at all.

 

I think you need to give some real thought into why you are involved in the lifestyle. If the answer you come up with doesn’t contain something that you specifically expect to experience by participating in it, you should not be involved in it. Let me be specific here I am talking about you personally not your husband, I think we pretty much see what he expects from the lifestyle.

 

Nothing you have said gives any indication that you have any inclination or desire to explore the lifestyle outside the fact that your husband made it clear he wasn’t going to stop cheating on you.

[LFM2 1,482]

...But you can not make him follow the rules.

 

Truer words were never spoken. You can control your behavior, but you can't make others control theirs. What you can do though, is remove yourself from the situation if it continues. Personally, I would never put up with this. But, that's just me.

[SoFlaCouple 188]

Great advice above.

 

Trying to fix a strained marriage by swinging is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. Don't do it. It won't work, it's dangerous, and about the sure thing is that you will get burned.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Welcome to the Swingers Board. Sorry that a situation such as this is what brought you here, but one thing about this site is honestly, and as such we talk about both the bad and the good in swinging, no rose colored glasses here. So, you've come to the right place, and we hope you continue to be part of our community regardless of what initially brought you here.

 

You have received some outstanding responses already, and I won't try to add to those because they were spot on and need no reinforcement. I will provide a different take though, and from a male perspective.

 

Swinging is a team sport. Your husband should be absolutely counting his lucky stars that he has a woman like you as his wife. Given his history of cheating and lying, that you were willing to try a fresh start and a different direction should be something he is thrilled to have even if he knows he doesn't deserve it. You have demonstrated that you have some level of interest in it yourself, but just want to explore it at your own pace, which is completely understandable. You may not consider yourself a swinger, but you have certainly shown that you understand it a thousand times better than he does, since one of the Cardinal Rules of Swinging is go at the pace of the slowest person. If he cared anything about swinging, and by that I mean swinging as a COUPLE, he would not be acting like this. All he is doing is cheating, just in different way. To be blunt, you aren't even part of his thought process.

 

If there was any hope of this working, once you offered him this opportunity to have his cake and eat it too, he would have taken the spark of interest you have in swinging and put his own desires aside to try to nurture that. Making sure you are comfortable and having a good time, making sure your needs are always met first, making sure to faithfully follow any rules you have, involving you in everything, etc. In short, making you at the top of his priority list where a spouse should be. Any grown adult should have realized that, that this was a golden opportunity, all it was going to take was setting aside and leaving behind the "me" for the "we". That didn't happen, in fact the complete opposite did.

 

Swinging when both are fully involved is exponentially more rewarding than going it alone. By involved, I don't mean simply your physical presence in the same building either. If both aren't mentally and emotionally connected, then it doesn't matter if you are shoulder to shoulder, you are still worlds apart. If both are mentally and emotionally connected, then one can be 100 miles away while the other is playing, like in couple that will play separately, and still be as if you are together, just one is present in spirit only while the other is there body and spirit. The body thing you don't need, the spirit you MUST HAVE if you are going to swing as part of a couple and it not tear the relationship apart. You have shown you were open to both, body and spirit. Not promised, but open to. He's rebuked that through his actions. Truth is, he doesn't want you there, body or spirit.

 

Breaking off a long relationship is nothing to be taken lightly, but I think you need to seriously evaluate what is best for you at this point. Work on finding another relationship where you will be treated with love and respect. If swinging is still something that kind of intrigues you, there will always be time for it later, and if you find it interesting and intriguing now, then I assure you if you are doing it with the right person and are in it together, it will be much more so then.

[Desdemona1980 297]

You are not in a marriage with a swinger. You are in a marriage with a cheater.

 

If you could not trust him to be honest and faithful to you when in a monogamous marriage, you cannot trust him to be faithful and honest with you in an open marriage. He breaks the rules and does as he pleases because he wants to and chooses to. He, then, turns the blame on you and gaslights you to make you believe you are going crazy. You are not crazy, you are married to a cheater and he is disrespecting you in the worst ways.

 

Swinging never helps a bad marriage, and it does not solve the issue of cheating.

 

I feel like this is becoming more prevalent in the LS the past couple years. I am seeing more drama at clubs and events, and it makes me wonder if it is due to one spouse not really being interested and going along to keep peace in the marriage. I see it both among men and women, but moreso from the wives.

[Mochacino 188]

Breaking off a long relationship is nothing to be taken lightly, but I think you need to seriously evaluate what is best for you at this point. Work on finding another relationship where you will be treated with love and respect. If swinging is still something that kind of intrigues you, there will always be time for it later, and if you find it interesting and intriguing now, then I assure you if you are doing it with the right person and are in it together, it will be much more so then.

 

This is so much truth. It CAN happen. It DOES happen. It happened for me. And my marriage is a partnership and our adventures are on the same page and MUTUALLY enjoyable and beneficial.

[GregandLori 18]

OMG - Thank you ALL for taking the time for the wonderful replies. SOooo much great advice, thoughts and things to ponder. WOW

 

I do not have time to properly reply right now but will when I do. But I did want to at the very least take the time to say THANK YOU - to ALL.

 

Lori

[angelkin 1,326]

OMG - Thank you ALL for taking the time for the wonderful replies. SOooo much great advice, thoughts and things to ponder. WOW

 

I do not have time to properly reply right now but will when I do. But I did want to at the very least take the time to say THANK YOU - to ALL.

 

Lori

 

Please do update us when you sort things out. AND feel free to come back to post more questions. We are a community of caring people and it pains me to hear of your heartbreaking situation.

[tribbles 490]

You are learning even more about who he is. Can you live with who he is? Do you want to?

 

If yes, give up rules. Just enjoy him when he is with you and let him be free the rest the time. Or cut him loose.

 

He is who he is, either cheating or breaking rules at parties. He just doesn't see things like you do. Or like most of us do. But it's his way and has been, from your description, for a LONG time.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

You've gotten such great advice. I hope it is comforting and helpful to you. I really feel for you and can't imagine the pain that you've gone through. You sound like a strong woman.

 

I wonder why you stay with him. Do you have children or a business together? As someone said above, if you need to stay married you need to realize he will not change, enjoy what you have when you have him and let go of any rules. You may be better off opening your relationship completely and using condoms with each other to protect yourself. You may find healthy romantic relationships of your own that will allow you to maintain a superficial relationship with your husband.

 

It would probably be helpful for you to talk to a counselor or therapist about your feelings and your long term goals. Talk about how life with your husband can mesh with your hopes and your ability to maintain a healthy sense of self. For me it would be difficult to live with and love someone who has no respect for my comfort and blames me when he is in the wrong.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you will keep us updated.

[SmilingHusband 49]

some amazing insights and advice on this thread. I feel for this woman. seems like she is trying 100%. I just don't think the guy seems worth the effort!

[Fundamental Law 2,919]

Dear (presumably) Lori...

 

Welcome both of you to the board. We hope that you find your time, posts and responses useful. As you have seen, there is no shortage of advice.

 

I'll share a slightly different take on your story.

 

Relationships generally, and marriages specifically, are all about balance and accommodation. It's rare (nonexistent among our friends) that there is perfect alignment about everything all the time. Most couples get good alignment in most things most of the time.

 

What you're describing are fundamentally different views on playing. You are very articulate. You obviously care deeply about Greg and the relationship. The question is where to go from here.

 

Our experience is that there are three things that keep a relationship strong. First, absolute trust that the other person will always be there for you. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Bonnie and Clyde. Batman and Robin. Whatever happens inside the relationship, you will defend and support the other person no matter what. Your frustration suggests that actually do have this in your relationship. Second, wide open communication, every day. That means that you have to be able to honestly express your feelings and opinions fearlessly. That can be really hard because sometimes those statements seem to threaten the trust. Being able to say "honey, your behavior makes you look foolish and me feel diminished" is really challenging. But it's essential. Third, there's a level of emotional intimacy. Part of that is being able to read your partner's feelings. Part of that is feeling joy when s/he feels joy. You seem to have that as well.

 

What seems to be driving you crazy -- understandably so -- is that he seems to say one thing and do another. Think one way and act opposite. It seems irrational and ends up being hurtful. So there are two questions that arise. First, have you been able to say "We need to talk about how your behavior makes me feel"? Get that conversation going at the kitchen table, in an environment that is not threatening but conducive to open discussion? Second, one of the funny things about irrational behavior is that it can stem from either rationalization ("It's not really cheating.") or rational in a very different mindset ("We both came to the party to have fun. Let's go!" and later "I don't understand why you are upset with me?")

 

The LS is about trust. That trust depends on agreement about balance and accommodation. Where that balance and accommodation is lacking, anger and ultimately drama is inevitable. Please do not interpret that statement as saying you need to accommodate Greg and tolerate behaviors that you find irksome at best. It does mean that being able to talk about balance and accommodation--including your expectations, needs and wants--is important.

 

Good luck.

[GregandLori 18]

First off – I am new here and cant' figure out how to TRACK posts. If someone can PM me I would be grateful.

 

I would like to thank you ALL once again for the prior and added comments and PM's since I have first posted. Each and everyone of your insights have given me so much to think about and consider. And sadly the story continues to unfold and in a very negative way.

 

I wrote the the woman he was playing with a message to apologize for any discomfort I brought to her and anyone else affected. What I got back was from them was a note saying that in their eyes HE did nothing wrong. He only did “ what ANY man would do in the situation”. WOW is all I can say. You men can chime in here if you'd care - I am interested on your take.

 

My guy in turn then apologized to them as well, however, for MY bad behavior. He took NO responsibility for to them for his, to tell them that he broke our agreement. And if he had not done so things would have been OK. Yep, back to blaming me for his lack of respect for us. He was more worried about his reputation with them than working on this in order to move forward in a positive way. He told them that clearly this is not something we can do together (because of ME, I am not cut out for it, but he is ) and he will be pursing it on his own as a single agent.

 

It is very clear what is important to him.........and it isn't me and must not have been for a very long time. I am sure all of you must already know how this story is going to most likely end short of a miracle............sigh. This is NOT what I was hoping for for sure. I am a women who is ALL IN when I am in a relationship. I work VERY hard giving my all. But even I know when I have exhausted myself. I believe on working together and alone when together isn't working and to not give up. But even I do understand I can't do it alone for too long and nor do I want to! But if this is what it takes to see the light, I suppose it was meant to be.

 

As I said. I do want to take the time to individually respond to each or you all as soon as I can. You have all been so kind and insightful and I am grateful for it. But new job, kids back to school and all of this mess along with lack of sleep makes for a time shortage....

 

Bye for now and big hugs to all and thank you again!!!

 

Lori

[Lionheart72 2,191]

I wrote the the woman he was playing with a message to apologize for any discomfort I brought to her and anyone else affected. What I got back was from them was a note saying that in their eyes HE did nothing wrong. He only did “ what ANY man would do in the situation”. WOW is all I can say. You men can chime in here if you'd care - I am interested on your take.

 

Of course, because men are animals who are incapable of self control or even rational thought when confronted by a woman they find sexually attractive. This is why rape is legal and socially acceptable... no, wait... there's something wrong with that thinking... what is it? Oh right, IT'S TOTAL BULLSHIT!

 

What ANY man would do in that situation, my ass. I will tell you, give her attitude, THIS man wouldn't touch that woman with a ten foot pole.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I am sure all of you must already know how this story is going to most likely end short of a miracle............sigh. This is NOT what I was hoping for for sure.

 

Unfortunately, we have witnessed this type of ending on the board, and IRL.

Just a couple of questions to satisfy curiosity: How long have you two been together/married, and how long have you known he was a cheater?

 

As far as tracking comments, I assume you are asking about subscribing to the thread: That should be close to the top of this page, where it says "Thread Tools". From there you have an option to subscribe.

 

Best of luck to you.

[swing.kidz 367]

Based on the info you've presented here (since we haven't heard his side), I'm gonna put a new label on this guy Greg...abuser. I don't think he's just a cheater, he's abusive. And now you say you have kids in this. Makes me wonder what else is going on.

 

I recommend getting out and letting him have all the time in the world alone...if not for you, do it for your kids. You don't want them to have this as an example of a relationship for their own lives.

 

And if it's any consolation, with his publicly wanton disregard for the person he's in a relationship with, he's not gonna do too well in this lifestyle...especially as a single.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Lori, thank you for updating your thread and letting us know how things are unfolding in your situation. I've very sorry to hear about the direction it is going in though.

 

I wrote the the woman he was playing with a message to apologize for any discomfort I brought to her and anyone else affected. What I got back was from them was a note saying that in their eyes HE did nothing wrong. He only did “ what ANY man would do in the situation”.

 

I'm going to give the other couple some leniency because they don't know about your husband's past indiscretions like you do. Nor do they know about the rules/boundaries you two have (although, that should have been communicated prior). For them, they just witnessed you causing a scene at their party. In their shoes, I can see how they would perceive the events since they might have felt that you might have caused a negative vibe for them and other party goers. That doesn't mean that one is acting right or wrong...it's just how it is when people have limited information and see things from their perspective only.

 

My guy in turn then apologized to them as well, however, for MY bad behavior. He took NO responsibility for to them for his, to tell them that he broke our agreement. He told them that clearly this is not something we can do together (because of ME, I am not cut out for it, but he is ) and he will be pursing it on his own as a single agent.

 

Now this type of behavior is unacceptable considering that your husband knows about the rules you two agreed on and his history about breaking those rules. If he was really seeing swinging as a "team sport" he wouldn't throw you under the bus like that. Also, did he even talk to you about going out to swing as a single agent or did he just announce that to them out of the blue?

 

As it has been said time and time again here, swinging magnifies the cracks in a relationship (it didn't cause them)--and there are always cracks. It's how the two people within that relationship react to them that determines if a relationship is able to continue swinging as well as continue being a relationship. Some couples are able to work through those cracks and some aren't. As much as I wish you two could work through this, it takes both of you to do so and it sounds like one of you is focusing on the "me" and not the "we".

 

Hugs to you as well, Lori. If you wouldn't mind, please continue to keep us all updated.