Open Marriage: exploring new horizons

[YoungGeeks 15]

My wife and I have been discussing the prospect of having an open marriage for about a year now, and we feel we'd really like to start diving in and exploring some of our fantasies. We've got our boundaries set up; condoms, no sex at home, always come home at night, open communication, and of course full veto power for both of us. My wife wants to explore her bisexual side, and I'm always looking for new sexual experiences.

 

I'm not sure if these forums are the best place to ask questions, since we are not currently looking for couple swapping at the moment though we have talked about it maybe looking into it in the future. We are looking to start with a MFF threesome, since it seemed after reading some of these forums it seemed that the best way to start would be something we shared as a couple.

 

One of the biggest hurdles we currently face though is we are both extreme introverts. We are open enough with each other that it's difficult to put on the masks that you have to use to deal with other people. Does anyone have any advice on dealing with this particular problem?

 

Thank you for reading this and thanks in advance for any advice offered.

[SwingSetWife 444]

Welcome to the board!! I am also introverted (I think you will actually be surprised at the number of introverted swingers), but I have my husband to help out with that (there isn't a shy bone in his body... no pun). I find the best way to deal is practice. Talk to strangers until you just want to run home and hide lol. Say hello to everyone!! Come up with a list of generic questions (what's your profession? Are you married? Do you have a family? How are you enjoying the beautiful weather?) And ask them to everyone.

 

Again, it takes practice, at least for me. I know that sometimes I clam up when people talk to me and I just can't think anything to say. So thinking about what you would say in different situations before they happen helps.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Welcome to the forum, YoungGeeks! So you two are thinking about having an open marriage but also engaging in MFF threesomes? Is there a reason why you two have decided on an open marriage instead of starting out with couple swapping?

 

As for advice on how to overcome being introverts, SwingSetWife has given you great suggestions. And I do want to point out that sometimes this is easier to tackle with your spouse than without because then you two can support each other and if one of you can't think of something to talk about then maybe the other one can. Once you two do go out separately and engage in playing separately in an open marriage, then you both will have to develop conversation skills to maintain interest from potential play partners. It all boils down to going out there, forcing yourself to put yourself out and introduce yourself and striking up conversation. For some, it comes naturally and for others, it's a struggle and it has to be an artful skill that has to be learned.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Welcome! I apologize that this is going to be a book, and may come across as kind of bossy. You talk about a number of things I have opinions on and hopefully my opinions will give you things to consider as you get started.

 

I'm going to follow up on Sun's comments about doing it together by sharing my perspective. I am not introverted. I do get nervous though. My husband is pretty outgoing. For us, we could never have started this venture alone. When you have your partner in crime by your side you encourage each other. It really bonds you as a team. In the swing scene it can be difficult for both single males and single females since most people are partnered and socialize together. I don't know much about the poly scene but that might be a better place to be a free agent.

 

Since you are also looking for a unicorn (single female for fmf) you will be doing this together. That is good, but single bi girls are not as plentiful as couples or single guys. I think, and the single girls I know say, that the wife is key. If the wife is not interested or stand-offish it will not work. They definitely want the husband involved and interested, but the wife's comfort and engagement is really important.

 

I think going to events where there are a lot of people to meet works well. You can talk in short conversations and see where there is a connection. It's light and carefree.

 

When we go out we make a vow to meet 3 new couples (you should vow to meet 3 couples and any single girls who happen to be there). Then we go up to someone together, smile and say Hi, my name is x and this is my husband x. Then we follow the formula, compliment and inquire, or ask question. (I love that necklace, where did you get it? That's a cool tattoo, does it mean something? or Have you been here before?) Talk for a few minutes then go and refresh your drink and meet someone else. Go back to the ones you like. Say, "Are you having fun? Would you like to dance? How long have you been doing this? Any advice for someone new?"

 

You speak about putting on a mask. This won't work in swinging. I think you will seem phony and uncomfortable and people will see through the mask. Plus it won't be fun for you. You should work on yourself and get to a place where you like people, you like conversing and getting to know new people. Self talk is really helpful, "I'm so excited about who we might meet. I love hearing new ideas and meeting new people. I love laughing and making friends..."

 

Julie recommends a book called, How to Work a Room It is a pretty good book. One thing I really took away from it, is in any situation think of yourself as a host/hostess. Make other people comfortable, help them enjoy the party (even if it's not your party). Let people know you are genuinely happy they are there.

 

I love hypnosis and feel that it can be really helpful to change your thought process. I listen to a recording called, "You can be magnetic". I joke and make fun of it, but I really think it helps.

 

Now that it's been a few years I do go out to events without him if he has to travel. I run these events and everyone knows me. I'm very good at being a hostess and chatting people up. It's still lonely most of the time. I would not do this as my primary method of swinging. I much prefer meeting new people with him. We play off each other well and have a ton of fun. I do sometimes play with people we both know well when he's out of town. This is a special occasion thing and very exciting for me. Otherwise we really like to have adventures together.

 

I hope you'll keep us updated with your adventures. Swinger's board is such a wonderful place for sharing.

[Guest Ready2dewit]

I think the best way to overcome shyness/being an introvert is to realize that social situations are difficult, in part, because you might be too focused on your end of the interaction. I know I used to find it hard to remember peoples names I just met because even though I was talking to them, I was thinking about how I was looking and reacting in the situation. A lot of what funcoupledayton said plays into this....just forget about yourself for the moment and how you look, act, move, etc. and put your attention totally on the other person in a relaxed, non-creepy way. This has a way of putting everyone at ease and after the initial jitters things take care of themselves.

 

Just my two cents worth!

[YoungGeeks 15]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. And thanks for the warm welcome. As for why we're not starting with couples swapping, i guess my wife is not really in other men right now. I suggested it when we discussed posting on the forum for advice and I've also brought up the idea of maybe a MMF threesome for her cause I understand that's easier to find, but she's not interested at the moment. She's had an awkward drunken threesome before and she's always wanted to have a proper one. I actually have a friend who was/is a unicorn, so I'm hoping to be able to tap into her contacts. Though before reading these forums when she said she was a unicorn I thought she meant she was a sparkly, carefree, unique person. I'm not sure if we 're going to be able to do the big party thing at first, my wife has a big problem with crowds. Sorry if that was a little rambley, still a bit nervous, I know most of the theories but never actually put them to the test.

 

I'll have to check out that book you mentioned funcoupledayton, I've never been all that great at the whole party thing, that might help me figure out what I was doing wrong. :P

 

Again thanks for all the advice and it's nice actually being able to talk about this stuff with other adults.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

What will maybe help me to understand your question would be for me to know what concept you have of an open marriage. I will describe my concept and perhaps you can say how closely it matches yours:

 

My wife says, "this afternoon, I'm going to meet a guy for lunch who sent me a nice note from the swingers' hook-up web site." "Great, " I reply, "let me know how it turns out."

 

I know that for some people it extends as far as, "I met a guy today and he was really great." Not the way my wife and I would work it but still, in my mind, would fit the definition.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I was wondering the same thing, SW. Thank you for asking!

[GoNatural 104]

It is good that you both have agreed on some expectations and boundaries. I think boundaries around emotional bonding should be discussed if you two have any. Not sleeping all night with the other person can help keep (but there are no guarantees) your current relationship superior or primary.

 

I'm speaking from the experience of swinging for 5 yrs as a single male, then dating a married poly woman for 5 years and trying poly for myself. I've discovered that I prefer a swinging framework with just a moderate amount of bonding(not purely casual, but not deep) with others outside of the primary relationship.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Just because you are meeting another couple, it doesn't mean that anything will happen. Set up a profile on one of the swinger sites but be clear what you are looking for. Say that you want some F/F play and same room sex for starters. Most men are very respectful with the women's wishes and won't cross any boundaries that have been set.

 

Then again, if you already KNOW a unicorn (they're so rare that's why they're called a unicorn) then of course try that route...