My husband doesn't like parties unless he gets laid

[Sunflower 22]

Hey everyone. My husband and I have been swinging for a little over a year now. We have a friend who has a house party every weekend. We like to go a few times a month.

 

When my husband gets to play he has a great time and everything is awesome. But, when he doesn't get any action and I do, he mopes about it and complains the whole hour and a half drive home. He thinks people don't like him and that he is not good looking (which is crazy, he's totally hot!).

 

When we go to the parties I am not afraid to go up and talk to people. I enjoy talking and flirting with men and women. I usually play every time. He does not really talk to people. I have tried to encourage him to talk but he always says that he leaves that to me and then I can introduce him.

 

We can play separately at these parties and we have both done so on several occasions. I have tried to leave it to him to decide when we go to parties and what the rules are, but he keeps insisting on putting me in charge.

 

I have suggested we stop swinging, but he doesn't want to stop either. I have tried to tell him that just because one person didn't want to talk to him doesn't mean nobody wants to talk to him. I tell him that he's totally hot and he can last a long time until she gets all she wants before he finishes. I tell him that's a good thing for swingers. He still insists that he is not good looking and nobody likes him.

 

We never have this problem when he gets laid at the parties, only when he doesn't. He doesn't let on during the party that there is a problem and acts like he enjoys me playing and having a good time, but I get an earful of how terrible the party was for him on the way home and it totally ruins my high from enjoying the party. What can I do?

[Guest]

Perhaps you should have a conversation with him about whether he would prefer that the two of you focus your combined efforts on couples activities and MFM or MFF (with you, him and a 3rd party, you didn't say whether your successes were with males or females.)

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

You have discovered, like my wife and I discovered very early in our investigations of swing lifestyle, that a private party provides a safe situation for a couple to pursue sex partners singly. But your husband has discovered, as I also discovered, envy of your success in pursuing then catching a sex partner.

 

I had to grow out of this feeling; he also needs to grow out of it. A claim of shyness is simply an excuse. It sounds like you are making your own efforts to support him in his efforts. You should continue.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm going to tell you about two different situations that might be helpful. Mine and good friends of mine.

 

Here is a long-winded version of my story https://www.swingersboard.com/forums/topic/48991-navigating-separate-play-at-parties/ I never went back and said what we decided in the end. We decided that my husband will find me before he goes off to play. If I want to play too, I will flirt it up and ask myself. I will need to remind him of this before the party, because his memory is bad. We actually haven't had the situation happen since I originally posted, we've played together at all the parties we've been to since.

 

We have several friends who only play together no matter what the situation is. (One couple in particular sounds a bit like you.) This might involve one of them (usually the girl) watching or participating minimally. She is very happy with that. The interesting thing is that anyone new, she goes out and catches. I think maybe she likes to see him with the girl even if she's not interested in the guy. She is bi, too. She is very outgoing and he is very shy and quiet. At any event he finds a spot and watches while she runs around and meets people. The reason it works is because anyone she likes or thinks he would like she brings over and introduces to him. He is very good looking, and nice, just doesn't say much. They have been swinging over a decade and this works well for them.

 

So, I don't have any specific advice, just some examples of what other people do. I think this is a great question.

 

As far as his behavior after the party, have you told him that he is making you feel bad? Does he care? If not, I would work on that too. Why is he disregarding your feelings? Maybe he just needs a reminder when he starts complaining to knock it off? Maybe make an agreement no complaining on the ride home? If there is something he wants to talk about talk in the morning when you are not exhausted?

 

Maybe SWPA can give you some concrete ideas how to help him 'grow out of it' when he complains?

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I would fall back onto what I consider one of the Cardinal Rules of Swinging - go out with no expectation other than having a nice evening out together.

 

Having set expectations can lead to these situations. Truth is, sometimes or even most of the time, it just isn't going to happen. You don't have the chemistry with them, they don't have the chemistry with you, you find yourself just not in the mood, and so on and so on. Swingers or not, a lot can go wrong on the way to getting between the sheets.

 

Try to set aside those expectations and just concentrate on having fun together. Things will feel much more relaxed and enjoyable, and when you are feeling that vibe is usually when things just seem to fall into place on their own in terms of play, so it's a win-win.

[SwingSetWife 444]

I have to disagree with SWPA here. Shyness is an excuse, but not "just" an excuse. I think it is pretty legitimate. Do you guys always play separately? Maybe you should try playing more as a couple until he feels more comfortable.

 

As a woman you would think I wouldn't have any problem finding and securing play partners. But as a super shy introvert, I would never have sex if it wasn't for hubby finding partners for us.

[Brad145 58]

I agree that playing as a couple will probably help, but you can also play separately and then when you have played with another guy or three, go back to him and fuck him like the other guys were just the warm up!

 

[exploringRM 305]

As cplnuswing points out there should be no expectations. Many times at house parties it's being in the right place at the right time, as well as taking some initiative. He needs to grow up as other people do or will notice this moping. If he never got any play then perhaps it's an issue but it seems that he does get play time..so there is nothing wrong with him. Sometimes at parties I would get a number of play partners in an evening and other times, none. I'm a bit selective and will not just find match for play sake but typically have a "to do" list.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

It is expected that a woman will typically make a successful hook-up more often than a man. I expect your husband has noticed that he is not the only guy at a party who goes through an evening without becoming intimate. What I had to learn in my early days was that it would just simply not happen every time and that simple socializing is also fun. I Also learned that if I try too hard, I am liable to do something awkward.

[Sunflower 22]

Thanks everyone for your advice. We're going to talk again tomorrow night. I think maybe I don't give him enough attention at the parties. Before we started swinging he was the only person I'd ever been with sexually. I had been attracted to boys and girls since I was young, but growing up in the bible belt, I felt that it was wrong to feel that way and it was wrong for me to enjoy sex. I'm now 34 years old and I am finally exploring a part of myself that has never had a chance to surface. It is very easy for me to get carried away at the parties because it is the only place I feel really free. I have no kids, I don't have to act like I don't like sex, and I don't have to pretend I'm straight for fear of what other people will think. I can have sex with my husband anytime, but the parties are the only chance I have to try different people and things. It is no slight to him because I love him and feel he is my soul mate, but I just like to try new things.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Hi, Sunflower! I have been giving your post some thought (though, not as much as I would like to because I have several points I want to convey but they are a jumbly mess so please bear with me).

 

To me, and this is just my opinion, but there are several issues at play here:

 

1. Insecurity

2. Jealousy

3. Inability to feel compersion (at this time)

4. Personality inhibitor

5. Expectations

6. "Balance" of swinging

 

***I'm hoping that my list will help me be organized in my response.

 

Concerning insecurity, a person can be absolutely stunning or handsome physically but they aren't able to acknowledge it in their mind. Maybe they can occasionally see their "hotness" under the right conditions but there is a deeper doubt of oneself that only they can fix. It's not an easy journey, nor is it one that is conquerable for all. This feeling of unattractiveness can be a downward spiral for some. If they don't feel attractive and it seems confirmed by others (by having "no action") at a party, they dive further into the "I'm not attractive" hole and it builds upon itself. If he can focus on all of the times when he did get to play and put less emphasis on when he didn't, then maybe he can pull out of that spiral.

 

Concerning jealousy, I think some men enter swinging thinking it will be easy and that they will get more action than the partner. It can be quite a blow to the ego when the opposite occurs. I think it naturally happens that women are more sought after and asked for play for several reasons. The imbalance of single ladies to single men in the LS can contribute to this. There are obviously couples who only seek another female and since single females are not as prevalent as single males, then sometimes the female half of a couple gets propositioned--leaving the male half out. This is more likely to happen with couples who play separately. Another reason is that women can play with a lot more men in succession or all at once due to the ability to handle more men i.e. woman can have multiple orgasms with several different men whereas a male is sometimes done for the night once he achieves orgasm. Thus, your husband might be feeling jealousy that it comes easier for you than it does for him.

 

Concerning compersion (the empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy), your husband is focusing more on his own happiness and pleasure than your own. This can be a difficult concept for some people to achieve and for others it is easier. When we first started to swing, Mr. Sun was quite discouraged that I was having more playtime than him (we had also tried separate play). I listened to his concerns and we changed to only playing together. Through our experiences from that time on, he has slowly built his ability to feel compersion. I think this was brought forth because I was willing to listen to his feelings and place his happiness and comfort as an extreme priority. He was able to see that I was willing to scale back for him.

 

Concerning the personality of being quiet and not talking to others, this can be a very difficult block for some to overcome--for both him and potential playmates. If he is willing to be more personable with others, engage in conversation, and get to know others, this can help him tremendously but this is one of those things that he has to want to do. For those who are quiet and reserved, it is a skill that has to be learned and practiced. As for this type of personality being a barrier for potential playmates, unless the other females are naturally outgoing, the quiet females are going to stay away from him because they might perceive his quietness/aloofness as disinterest and latch onto males who exhibit more outgoing personalities. I speak of this for myself because I tend to gravitate more (and enjoy myself more) to males who can hold a conversation with me before and after playtime. If a male cannot do so, I lose interest very quickly.

 

Expectations---cplnuswing hit this one on the head. He needs to learn that not every party is going to result in having sex with someone else. A change in expectations is needed. If he is able to see that going out with you, having fun, and enjoying other people's company is the new expectation, then there will be a lot less disappointment.

 

"Balance" of swinging (or tit for tat) is a common trap for couples who are relatively new to swinging to fall into. This is related to the jealousy-specific issue I noted above. Sometimes they want every swap or experience to be "equal" e.g. wife has a MFM, then husband has to have a FMF; or wife has sex with someone else at party, then husband has to have sex with someone else at a party. Sometimes, couples play only as a couple to bring more "balance" of swinging but it's more of a band-aid for the wound than dealing with the root cause. But sometimes that band-aid can at least help until the root cause is realized.

 

In all, I have to say that you two really need to sit down and have several conversations about what's going on, re-evaluate boundaries and rules, determine what you two want out of swinging, and put the emphasis on the relationship first. Good luck and I hope you keep us updated.

[Powerglide 235]

Well, I think one reason guys often don't get any action at a swing party is because they don't ask. This isn't like asking for a date to the prom. There's a reason why the ladies are at the event: they want to have wild, fun sex. So all your husband has to do is to go up to a lady and say, "wow, I think you're really attractive. Do you think you have room for me on your dance card tonight?" Yes, he may get turned down, but I'll bet if he does it three times and an evening you'll have more fun than he expected.

[Sunflower 22]

Just an update to everyone. We talked about it and agreed that we would spend one on one time with couples as well as go to parties. He promised to try not to be a let down after a party. We spent this last weekend with a couple and we had a great time. We are on a good track to get it worked out together. Thanks to everyone who posted advice.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Good to hear, we hope things continue to work out for you two. It's amazing what a little communication can do...