Swinger clubwear - sexy or degrading?

[Guest velveeta]

Hi! My husband & I are new to swinging--we decided to jump in this past February. Since then, we have been to clubs, joined SLS, gone to 2 hotel parties and had a handful of experiences playing. We are DEFINITELY enjoying our new "hobby"!

 

The one thing that I've struggled with, however, is that there's a fair amount of dissonance between my identity/appearance and the image/appearance of many women in the lifestyle. Basically, I'd describe myself as an educated woman, a feminist, a yoga-loving punk-rock chick in her mid 40's. I am stylish but definitely not girly in a traditional sense. And you know what? I *like* that about me. I like being comfortable and casual. Given a choice between high heels and Doc Martens, you know I'm going for the Docs.

 

More to the point, I just can't see myself ever adopting the look of many of the female swingers I see at clubs and in SLS profiles because so much of it goes directly against my feminist views. When we first joined SLS, I was honestly freaked out by how many profiles' main pictures were of women's bare asses all up in the camera. Not that I have anything against butts, but it just turned me off. Overall, it bothers me how a lot of swinger imagery reflects a type of femininity that I just can't get with...and I guess the best way to describe the look I see many women going for is an R (or X)-rated Barbie look. I guess my point is that this image is just not who I am, and I am wondering if there is a place in the wonderful world of swinging for someone like me.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

First off, congrats on your first forum post Welcome to the community!

 

There is a place in swinging for everyone. Some may be attracted to the X-rated Barbie look, while others may be attracted to your exact look. It's all good. Everyone has their preferences, and they are just that, preferences. No harm intended if someone doesn't match that preference, that's just how it is, in real life and in swinging.

 

In fact, you may find your look being different than most is something that gets you extra attention. The worst thing you can do is to try to be something you aren't comfortable with. It sounds like you are off to a smashing start, so just keep doing what you are doing and just be yourself and don't worry about the rest.

[Sexinthetardis 76]

I think there is a place for someone like you. I'm not very girly either. I'm most comfortable in a t shirt, shorts and flip flops. For work I'm a khakis and sensible shoes kind of girl. When hubby and I go to clubs, sometimes I'll wear a little dress and low heels, pretty conservative by swingers club standards. Occasionally though, I will wear something downright skanky, just depends on my mood. I'm no Barbie prototype -- I'm in my 40's, small boobs, built more athletic than va-va-voom. And I am a feminist You be you, feel comfortable, wear whatever suits you, etc. But keep in mind feminists come in all shapes, sizes, and mode of dress, you never know based on someone's looks or clothing (or lack thereof). I've met some very smart, interesting women in the lifestyle who enjoyed getting in touch with their inner porn star. Not mutually exclusive, you know?

[SwingSetWife 444]

I agree with the other replies. I would consider myself a feminist and maybe not necessarily stereotypical looking (or maybe I am and just don't know it.....). I wear t shirts and jeans. I live in flip flops (and my toes are rarely "done" yikes!!). I wear sweats, hoodies, men's clothes, etc. If it is comfortable, I'm all for it.

 

Then sometimes I wear dresses and skirts and short shorts and I show off my cleavage and/or ass. And sometimes I like to wear lingerie to clubs.

 

I think you get the drift. My dress changes as my mood does but mostly I want to be comfortable.

 

Be yourself and you will do fine.

[Brad145 58]

Basically, I'd describe myself as an educated woman, a feminist, a yoga-loving punk-rock chick in her mid 40's.

 

 

My 'type' in 20 words or less...

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Great first post! I'm thinking you might enjoy private parties more than club parties.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Just to give you some perspective from one of the girly-girls. Like, you I am a feminist and well-educated. I like pilates. Green Day and Blink-182 are my favorite bands. I love, love, love dressing up. It is one of my favorite parts of swinging. I don't see wearing a naughty nurse or French maid or club wear outfit as anything but fun. Swinging is about playful sex for my husband and I, and I see the dressing up as part of that. I do it because I like it, not because anyone tells me I should.

 

It can be tough in the lifestyle. Women tend to judge each other and themselves. A lot of clubs have contests that stack women up against each other. That is one of my biggest pet peeves. I think we all put on our best selves when we go out and we all need to stick together and build each other up.

 

I think you should dress the way you like, the way you feel sexy. That way you will attract the right people for you. I think you shouldn't discount the dress-up girls, though. They may be more similar to you than you realize and might become great friends or lovers.

[ViSexual 1,008]

You know, some of us men prefer the women who don't look like swingers.

[a_d_xxx 663]

You don't have to present yourself in anyway that makes you uncomfortable. The Lifestyle is wide in breadth, I think you will have no problem (and it sounds like so far you haven't so far) finding people who will find you attractive in whatever form you choose.

 

However, I don't think there is anything incongruous in the idea of a feminist woman embracing and exploiting common sexual image tropes. Knowing where those tropes come from does not negate the power they have or make you less of a feminist by exploiting them to your benefit, if anything I think it makes you more so.

 

The key is that what we find sexy is often at odds with what our intellect tells us is appropriate. Just ask any of the numerous strong feminists women who are into BDSM and love being submissive.

 

Many people adopt stereotypical poses and archetypes in their images and costumes without any thought. Simply because they believe it is expected. It simply doesn't sound like it will be your way. Perfect, but don't write off "sexy" imagery as a powerful marketing tool. Because it is, and you have the power to analyze, choose, and adopt those image types that a) make you feel comfortable and b) speak to your view of what is sexy.

 

Ms A and I just cracked our 50s and have been together for over 25 years. I would consider us both feminists. She has run her own business for most of the time we've been together, and often has been the primary breadwinner in the household. We've been exploring ethical non-monogamy for a little over 3 years now, and about the same time we discovered the LS she discovered the burlesque community.

 

Burlesque, like the LS, is interesting. Ostensibly about sex (performers take their clothes off on stage) burlesque ends up being much deeper upon closer examination. For the uninitiated, burlesque may appear as being the ultimate in female exploitation. A woman on stage, objectified, taking her clothes off for the benefit of a rowdy, mostly male, audience. However reality is far from that. Most audiences (although rowdy) are usually equally mixed in gender. The community is very LGBTQ friendly with a wide mix of male, female, and genderqueer performers, it is also very age and body shape accepting, with most performers not having stereotypically 'stripper' bodies. I personally know many performers who are studying (or have degrees in) feminist studies. And though the performances involve removal of clothes, they are usually about character and story, within the constraints of a 3 minute song, and the need to be naked at the end. Kind of like performance art haiku Ultimately Ms A is in full control of the image she presents, the character she chooses, and how she decides to use or reject the classic burlesque tropes. Sometimes she goes for sexy, sometimes she goes for 'so wrong but funny', sometimes she chooses drag. Regardless she is in control.

 

And I think that is the same in the LS. How you choose to present yourself is up to you. There is a large palette at your disposal. You are in control.

 

D

[Mochacino 188]

I think you would be surprised at how many of the "X-rated Barbies" are indeed feminists as well. That's the wonderful thing about feminism, there is no "one ring to rule them all"... I am very much a girly girl. I love make-up, high heels, corsets, and big hair when we go out to clubs or parties! I and my husband are also feminists. The LS is filled with people attracted to ALL types, and personalities. You have had great success so far right? Then clearly there is a place for your look, personality, and style of dress. Keep up the good work and have fun!

[yorktownvaguy 76]

Be yourself and stay that way. I'm a guy and honestly I would be more attracted to your type than a sexy Barbie. Moreover, although I'm a guy, I am a feminist (if that's possible)!

[SwingSetWife 444]

I think feminist are doing themselves (and other feminists) a disservice by placing a stereotype on the word or idea of being a feminist. As I said before, I would consider myself a feminist. Some others might not.

 

I am a feminist but:

-I wear sexy clothes when I want

-I shave my legs and armpits (and twat...)

-I allow my husband to be dominant (as he allows me. it is all about ebb and flow, give and take)

-I enjoy sex

-I wear a bra

-I'm a SAH mom

 

You don't have to be a lesbian lumberjack to be a feminist.

 

Now I'm not saying the OP necessarily believes all those stereotypes to be true, but a lot of people do. For me, feminism is about what just about any other thing is about. I love women, and I believe that women should be equal in the eyes of people, religion, government, society, whatever.

[Guest velveeta]

Thanks for the words of welcome

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

You're different! Not better, not worse, just not the same.

[Sunflower 22]

I too am not much about the dressing up. When we go out I will wear a comfortable skirt and shirt. I do not wear heels. It has never stopped me from having a good time. When we play it is with people that we have spoken with and gotten to know a little. Once you get a jist of a person's personality, you hardly notice what they are wearing and just enjoy their company. A person's mind and sense of humor is what turns me on, not their outfits.

[Guest velveeta]

Wow I feel so much better -- thank you so much for the supportive and very thoughtful responses. What an intelligent and cool crowd of people you are

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Wow I feel so much better -- thank you so much for the supportive and very thoughtful responses. What an intelligent and cool crowd of people you are

 

 

Shhh, we're all trying to keep that a secret...

[PB&J 1,086]

I came to this thread immediately after wondering, whilst on another site, why so many pictures are of women's asses. More particularly, of a woman on her hands and knees, showing off said ass. Now, many of us struggle with having inviting pictures in our public area without using our faces, and that definitely limits the possible poses. And, that particular position is a favorite of both PB and me. But somehow, it just doesn't look right to me, the uber-feminist, as a profile picture.

 

But hey, everyone has their own preferences.

[Guest]

I just don't see the relationship between being a feminist and dressing up. I'm educated, a teacher, I expect equal rights in legal situations, in the work place and so forth, but I really don't see myself as a feminist. I am a girly girl. I enjoy wearing dresses, skirts, etc. As an extreme, I love the night club at Desires, being able to put on super sexy club wear and seeing other ladies in the same. That seems to be a fantasy aspect of the lifestyle and I enjoy it. Similar but perhaps at the opposite end of the spectrum, we have a motorcycle, a Harley. That's another cult where everyone tends to dress a role, businessmen looking like tough guys in leather, many ladies dressing similarly while others of us go for the more sexy side of leather and fringe. I think it all has little to do with political views or where one falls on some scale of feminism which we all view differently and more with just having fun, choosing your fantasy, your escape, and having fun with it.

 

'

[Those2again 18]

Completely relate to your post! As a Doc Martin tattooed ex punk rock chick also in her 40s with a lot of tattoos I have often felt the same way.

Although I do love wearing patent leather and high heels when the mood suits me. I will never be a lace chick. It's a leather corset and heels kind of night for me

Go on with your bad self there are more us than you know

Welcome!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Feminist is a loaded word. Peoples' feeling and peoples' purposes cannot be summarized in a single word. During a tumultuous debate somebody called me a humanist. I took it as a compliment but somebody later explained that it was a pejorative. How was I to know?

 

To the original point, I've seen several styles at club parties; women who look like they are dressed for picking peas, women who are dressed like Jessica Rabbit, women who are dressed like street walkers. You should not feel intimidated by dress.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

It's about fun. Be yourself. Have fun. The nice thing about the LS is that it encourages unexpected connections.

[hazeleyesx3 18]

I sent you a private message through this site. We have a lot in common and would like to speak to you privately. This site has been invaluable to me for advice. My SO is not part of this site and I choose to keep this private.

[AngelandTiger 364]

a_d_xxx, I'd quote your whole post here, but it's not necessary. I just wanted to say that this is one of the best answers to any question in any forum I've ever seen. I think you have a marvelous perspective on the LS dynamic. Well done. Seriously well done.

 

T (a fellow 50-something)

[Wornsilver 219]

Think of how much better the world would be if people, religions in particular, adopted the tolerant but responsible attitudes of the contributors to this thread. We often see those who want to be "free" and to endorse their individuality. This group, better than any I have ever seen on the internet, understand the responsibilities to others in the form of respect and tolerance that are the duties of citizens.

 

When I think of my own feminism (I'm a guy who really, really likes women), it is with admiration for the female attitude and abilities including, of course, the miracle of their sexuality. "Equal" does not mean "the same."

 

Fortunately for me, my wife, my best friend, is a wonderful woman who I love and admire and who agrees with me on a lot of these fundamental issues.