I need advice on dealing with jealousy

[NYFlirts 158]

"Hello, I'm Mr. NYFlirts... and I have jealousy issues."

 

Yup, I'll be the first to admit I deal with jealousy. Most of the time it's a small tickle in the back of my head, but once in a while it's a raging elephant on my back and I can feel my heart pounding a million times a minute.

 

This is going to be my thread where I post about my jealousy issues. What is and isn't working for me, etc. I'd LOVE to get your thoughts, comments, and suggestions!!!

 

For the record: I don't like feeling jealous! I want it the feelings to go away. Outside of the experiences that trigger the jealousy, I can logically think that there is zero reason to be jealous, but that logic flies out the window when I'm triggered. My analogy: A person can tell themselves "There is zero chance I'll fall off the Empire State Building... look at all these things in place to prevent it from happening", but guess what, when many people get to the top and look down, that logic can't stop the deep-rooted fear of heights.

 

Here are a few situations where I feel jealousy: (NOTE: Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't get jealous in these situations, that's the hardest part. I don't know why sometimes it's triggered and sometimes I'm totally fine.)

 

1) We're at a club or house party and I see the Mrs. super engaged with another guy. I'm sitting on the couch alone.

2) We're in a room with a couple. The Mrs. & her guy are moving things along but things with me & the girl are stalled. I'm frustrated and jealous.

3) We're in separate rooms with good friends. We all just had amazing sex with our swinger BFF's. I think we're all sleeping, but I start to hear moaning from the other room. My blood starts to boil.

4) The Mrs. is being very amorous with other guys (flirty texting, cuddling, etc.) which makes me feel "less special" and "jealous".

 

I HATE that I feel these ways. I don't think it's right and I work VERY hard with the Mrs. to not feel these ways. I know that the Mrs. loves me unconditionally and I 100% believe her that none of the guys would be even 1/2 as good a long-term fit for her as I am... yet I still have these issues.

 

WHY?

 

More importantly, How do I keep them at bay and not feel bothered or jealous? I would love to take a magic pill and wake up with 100% confidence in every situation and able to have total compersion for my wife's activities.

 

One thing we've done to actively prevent some of these issues is by having the "move at the same speed" rule. I've found that I'm 1,000 times less jealous about what's going on with her and another guy if I'm active... but while this helps in many situations, I'd rather not have to rely on it all the time. I want to be comfortable with knowing my wife loves me and all of us enjoy situations without jealousy rearing it's ugly head.

 

What suggestions, exercises, and especially resources do you have that will help me be less jealous and have more compersion?

 

IMPORTANT: I'm not looking for comments like "You sound like you shouldn't be swinging!" For the most part we've both really enjoyed our time in the LS. We've made amazing friends and have some incredible memories. I know logically that I shouldn't be feeling jealous, so I want to find ways to overcome this beast.

 

I very much look forward to your replies!

[swing.kidz 367]

Have you always been this way? I ask, because until recently jealousy wasn't much of a problem...then something very specific took place that kinda triggered it in me. Wonder if something similar is in your case.

[NYFlirts 158]

Great question!

 

I was raised with an expectation of some level of "fairness", so that probably plays into some of my issues.

 

I know I've felt jealousy in other areas of my life, but none of them were every really around my wife... so that's new to me.

 

I don't think there was one specific thing that caused the jealousy issues, but maybe I need to do some digging to really determine if there was.

[rvdudes 40]

This is Mr rv here. I totally know how you feel. I found I have had the same feelings and have come to the conclusion that it's totally normal. We tried making rules for play too, but they didn't always work. I wish I could give you a quick fix. The best answer I have is talk to mrs a lot, which may drive her a bit crazy, and time. I found it just took time for me to learn to relax. My jealously stemmed from security issues but also that though we make it as fair as we can it's never equal. Mrs has and always will get more attention than me. I'm ok with that. I don't know if that helps but it's how we've dealt with it.

[ViSexual 1,008]

OK, first of all, I never had any feelings of jealousy. The only times I ever even considered what the other husband was like, or doing, was if he tried to pretend he might be better than me. But that's a different issue all together.

 

I remember watching my wife with the husband of the first couple we swapped with and thinking how sexy she looked. It was all about watching her. Maybe that's why I never gave any thought to her enjoying him more than she had me. It was about her enjoying herself. He was just tool, a sex toy, a participant in her act. Perhaps if you tried looking at it that way?

 

But the main thing is to always remember that this is something you're both doing together. And when you hear her moaning in the other room, think about the guy and how she'd hate living with him.

[NYFlirts 158]

Thanks for the replies!

 

I'm trying to find some really good articles, books, etc. to help with this stuff. Here's a good example:

 

More Than Two | Jealousy and Insecurity

[Brad145 58]

I apologize in advance if what I have to say offends you, but I'm not the type to blow sunshine. :P

 

3 of the 4 examples you give have you and your wife operating separately, I can only speak from my own experience, but I know I would be jealous in any of those situations and I would think most people would.

 

Another thread you started has you increasing your separate activities, did you expect you would feel less jealous allowing your wife to date and potentially get feelings for another man/couple?

 

Instead of trying to change your feelings, change what is causing them, play together or don't play at all!

 

No big deal though, you have nothing to lose right?

[GspotDPlover 84]

 

... and more importantly, How do I keep them at bay and not feel bothered or jealous? I would love to take a magic pill and wake up with 100% confidence in every situation and able to have total compersion for my wife's activities.

 

One thing we've done to actively prevent some of these issues is by having the "move at the same speed" rule. I've found that I'm 1,000 times less jealous about what's going on with her and another guy if I'm active... but while this helps in many situations, I'd rather not have to rely on it all the time. I want to be comfortable with knowing my wife loves me and all of us enjoy situations without jealousy rearing it's ugly head!

 

^^Brad145 has a good point for starters. But a few things stand out to me and I certainly know the feeling of jealously well. I would suggest not getting too caught up in changing hers & yours play habits when swinging and expect anything like level controls or restrictions to solve anything. Are you swinging or aren't you? Your wife sounds like she is letting go and enjoying herself while you are stuck worrying that your wife is enjoying herself too much when you could be either enjoy the woman you have swapped for (a gift herself that you should not neglect, otherwise give her to me!) or watching, enjoying the sight of your own live action pornstar wife! Are you going to ever stop being jealous? Yes, when you are dead. In fact I think the problem you are really having is not jealously at all but that your jealously is feeding insecurity, frustration, and anger. These are all separate things that are wrongly lumped into the category of jealousy.

 

This is easier the see in another scenario we are all familiar with, high school relationships (eeekk). A girl likes a boy she thinks does not really notice her. She has chatted with him but he seems to be quick to get away from her every time (really he is shy and embarrassed that she gives him wood just looking at him! but she does not know that). So the girl turns to the jealousy plan, flirt or go with his friend. From her view, the boy she likes may just see her with another guy and start thinking about her in a different way. Instinctively, this is a woman's way to ignite his jealousy, heighten his attraction to her, and arouse primal action in the guy she really wants. He will see her in a different light and start hitting on her, then she can dump the boy she was using for the one who is now coming and taking her for himself (yes this is manipulation of course). While this is not so terrible for the boy she thinks is not into her, as it only gets him to notice her more thus making him jealous, you can see the problem with the boy is his already strong desire to be with her. Thinking that she really does not like him at all since she is going with the other guy, his jealousy will not move him to action but feed into negative emotions of despair, loneliness, rage, frustration, and more. "That little whore! How could she go with him when I adore her?!" (Imagine all the pain we could have avoided if our otherwise great education systems--hahahaha, that is a funny yet sad statement--just taught effective communication early on.)

 

Anyway, a similar dynamic is going on with you. You are going to be jealous of men touching your wife if you care about and desire her at all. Instead of trying to suppress your very natural feelings, accept them for what they are. Also try to see things from her perspective (she is having wild fun with her husband even if you are not involved in sex acts with her at any given time). That you are fretting about trying to set bothersome rules and dealing with your emotions makes you insecure and weak in your wife's eyes--she loves you and wants to be with you but she does not see you as a strong man or attractive when you act this way. I am very prone to jealousy myself and in vanilla dating life it has really only feed into more negative emotions resulting in my losing many girls I might have otherwise gotten. That is another story that you likely can guess at so I will omit any pathetic retelling.

 

I say all of this for the main point I want to impress: in swinging, jealousy can actually be a great benefit. If your wife knows this consciously or not makes no difference, but she is doing the same thing as the high school girl when she is fucking another guy right in front of you, which amounts to one thing only: bringing out the lust driven animal in you! Say your wife is fucking two guys at a party and you find yourself alone, so grab your drink and pull up a seat with a close view and watch the action. As you are watching there hands all over her, their dicks pumping into her, and her feeling great being a slut with them, your jealousy is sure to rise in you along with your sexual arousal. Know that this is what she wants, not to upset you. Let the feeling add to the sight you see in front of you, rub your cock some (or a lot) even tell her you are so jealous of the men inside of her and she is a sexy goddess in a passionate approving way. She will most likely respond with, "You want to be inside me too baby?!" or similar. Then, either in the middle of their fun or just after they cum all over her face, join in and take your wife and pound her as rough and dirty as you ever have, or rougher! This should be you close to or actually loosing control and needing to fuck your wife. She will love it: for the surprise in your attitude, your manliness, and just the pleasure of the raw sex!

 

Change your perspective and all things will change. Instead of your jealousy and pleasure swinging in conflict with each other, let them complement each other, increasing your desire, then give that desire to your wife!

[NYFlirts 158]

Another thread you started has you increasing your separate activities, did you expect you would feel less jealous allowing your wife to date and potentially get feelings for another man/couple?

 

Instead of trying to change your feelings, change what is causing them, play together or don't play at all!

 

Brad, you've got some good points there. In general I do try to avoid situations that I know will bring on the "BIG jealousy" issues... for example, the wife out with a guy I don't know / trust and/or where I don't have a connection with his girl.

 

In the case with this other couple, I totally trust the guy, I have a VERY solid connection with his girl, and I have zero worry that my wife would ever even think of leaving me for the guy (nice guy, just totally not her type).

 

In general: I know my issues stem from illogical fears and other feelings I'd like to overcome vs. run away from. My goal IS to change my feelings... similar to someone being scared of the dark, I feel my jealousy in most situations isn't healthy and it's something that's damning my progression and my relationship with my wife and with others.

 

I would suggest not getting too caught up in changing hers & yours play habits when swinging and expect anything like level controls or restrictions to solve anything. Are you swinging or aren't you? Your wife sounds like she is letting go and enjoying herself while you are stuck worrying that your wife is enjoying herself too much when you could be either enjoy the woman you have swapped for (a gift herself that you should not neglect, otherwise give her to me!) or watching, enjoying the sight of your own live action pornstar wife! Are you going to ever stop being jealous? Yes, when you are dead. In fact I think the problem you are really having is not jealously at all but that your jealously is feeding insecurity, frustration, and anger. These are all separate things that are wrongly lumped into the category of jealousy.

 

Good points! Now, I need to figure out how to:

 

1) Just appreciate that I'm with a hot girl

2) Enjoy that my pornstar wife is having a great time

 

 

Anyway, a similar dynamic is going on with you. You are going to be jealous of men touching your wife if you care about and desire her at all. Instead of trying to suppress your very natural feelings, accept them for what they are.

 

Can you expand on this? How do I just "accept" it?

 

Also try to see things from her perspective (she is having wild fun with her husband even if you are not involved in sex acts with her at any given time). That you are fretting about trying to set bothersome rules and dealing with your emotions makes you insecure and weak in your wife's eyes--she loves you and wants to be with you but she does not see you as a strong man or attractive when you act this way.

 

Great point and this is definitely something I'm very conscious of and want to also negate!

 

 

Change your perspective and all things will change. Instead of your jealousy and pleasure swinging in conflict with each other, let them complement each other, increasing your desire, then give that desire to your wife!

 

Wow, that sounds brilliant, but also sounds easier to say than to do. I guess it just means I gotta push through the pain & feelings and just own it and break through it so I can use it to my advantage?

 

I'm anxious for more advice on how to make that happen!

[GspotDPlover 84]

^^Hahaha. Well, I am a philosopher. I can give all sorts of who's, what's, when's, why's; HOW is for the scientists to figure out. Here You are the scientist. It is very much the same problem as all those dating advice coaches out there: what works for one guy will not work for the next. While we are all generally the same emotionally & biologically, we are each individuals with unique subtleties that must be considered. I have never been married so there are many dynamics just in your relationship that I can only comment on abstractly, having never experienced these for myself. I have enough trouble seeing clearly & dealing with my own particularities and you are just words on a scene when it comes down to it. I should say more often, take my advice and all advice as suggestions, and little else. Advice can only go so far and even more specific do this do that advice must be taken by you and implemented. You must live your life yourself when it comes down to it as no one will do it for you.

 

Based on your other thread, it sounds like you already are making it happen. You just have doubts--perfectly natural--that weigh heavy on your mind. Do not ignore them but focus more on the positive aspects of swinging with your wife and you should be fine, better than fine. Remember that all of the negative emotions and fears come along with all of the swinging excitement, you are merely struggling with balance. You and your wife started swinging to have fun together, remember that always. I will say that you should always try to see the enjoyment your wife has with others and take pleasure in that for yourself: that your wife is having fun, you get to see & hear her with another guy from the outside, imagine yourself as him when you watch, and you already know how she is charged with sexual energy before and after your adventures all for you to enjoy. I have heard from other husbands that this is one of their favorite effects of swinging: "She is an animal in the bedroom now," "We are even closer and more open with each other now," etc. Sorry but there is not much more I can tell you. Interpret the other advice I gave above as it speaks to you and use it for your improvement. Perhaps other husbands with experience will weigh in with a few pragmatic things to consider as well.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

One thing that hasn't been mentioned yet is taking a bit of a break from swinging and refocusing on the relationship you two have together. For myself, if I find myself feeling jealous, it's usually because I feel that Mr. Sun and I haven't spent enough time with just us. Juggling work and kids can sometimes prevent just couple time. Add in swinging, hobbies, and friends--couple time can be scarce. I don't know how often you two swing but whether it's a lot or a little (as in using whatever date night you two have to go out swinging) can end up putting the marriage/relationship on the back burner. Perhaps reconnect with your wife for a few months and put swinging on the back burner instead.

[NYFlirts 158]

what works for one guy will not work for the next. While we are all generally the same emotionally & biologically, we are each individuals with unique subtleties that must be considered.

 

Yes, I totally agree! I do also believe though that there are some baseline proven practices that probably work most of the time for most people, so instead of reinventing my own wheel, I'd love to start off with some design suggestions from others that have ridden thousands of miles on wheels that worked well for them!

 

focus more on the positive aspects of swinging with your wife and you should be fine, better than fine.

 

Yes, I struggle with focusing on the positive aspects in all the areas of my life. I wouldn't say I'm pessimistic, but I do have a tendency to try to find stuff that's broken and attempt to fix it. Probably part of my A-type / entrepreneur personality.

 

 

I will say that you should always try to see the enjoyment your wife has with others and take pleasure in that for yourself: that your wife is having fun, you get to see & hear her with another guy from the outside, imagine yourself as him when you watch, and you already know how she is charged with sexual energy before and after your adventures all for you to enjoy.

 

Ok, here's a HUGE conundrum: Why is it that I can sometimes get worked up and all up in my head emotionally charged / mad when she's with the other guy, but then when her and I are having sex, I get totally turned on thinking about her and another guy?!?! I mean, that makes no sense, right?

 

One thing that hasn't been mentioned yet is taking a bit of a break from swinging and refocusing on the relationship you two have together. For myself, if I find myself feeling jealous, it's usually because I feel that Mr. Sun and I haven't spent enough time with just us.

 

Great point! We were just talking about this today. We are "around" each other about 15 hours a day, but for a long time anything outside of stuff at home is almost 100% swinging related. Maybe we really need to start making sure we do date time for just the two of us more often.

 

Thanks and please keep the great advice coming!

[couplers 4,706]

Hi, this is Petra with my perspective. My non-monogamous lifestyle started with me keeping my ex-fiance as a lover as I dated then married my husband, who was fine with the arrangement. I, on the other hand, was jealous when another woman just looked at my husband, David. One day I faced my jealousy head on and got over it when a girlfriend of mine said that it must be nice to have sex with David. Something snapped inside me and I said, "That can be arranged." It was arranged, and as things progressed with her and a few other willing women, I not only got over my jealousy, but like you, when I had sex with hubby it was more fantastic than ever.

 

So my advice is to identify what makes you the most jealous and become bigger than it. Not by avoiding it, but by embracing it. From what I read in you posts that would be going to a swinging event where your wife plays and you don't. Where she leaves you for a night to be with a lover. When I got to this point, I knew I had changed much for the better.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[GspotDPlover 84]

^^ I like this but it is risky (but what is not?).

 

@Petra, if I was one of those men I would have insisted that you marry us both! I have been thinking about this often (not wanting to) of late. I ran across a recent picture of a girl I knew in high school & went out with once. She had/still has the glowing face of an angel. I have been regretting the stupid way I behaved in high school and I am terribly jealous of her husband and the life they have shared (not that I actually know anything about it). So my selfish thoughts have me in a bad state these last few days as you can imagine. We were not right for each other then, probably still not but I found myself fantasizing about running into her and her husband and learning they are now very adventurous lovers with a king size bed way too big for the two of them and that she missed me and wanted me in it! . . . Vivid, wild imaginations are not all roses & hand grenades. I know, I live in a dream world--life is a dream, a sadistic one.

[81lizard69 470]

Ok.. I have had to deal with this as well.. I will say from the beginning that the tantric classes my wife and I took over fifteen years ago really helped. It helped me see the beauty in my wife and released my need to be everything for he..

 

That being said.

 

I am a person and like you feelings run through me. Sometimes watching my wife being seduced by another man rises feelings in inadequacy and self doubt. Hell I am the man and I should be enough for her.. all that she should ever think about.. and doesn't she see me sitting over here not having fun.. That is a example of some of the thoughts that I can have while my wife swings.. and afterwards. At those points I am afraid that I am not going to get what I want. My security and self esteem have been threatened. This is where my jealousy raises its head. The sore of jealousy in my head is a injury of the past resurfacing and I get to re experience it.. That is a resentment. A resent moment from the past I am experiencing again. I can remember a old injury or something and bring that into the moment of when I am swinging like a time that you described above..

 

What the hell has something that happened in the past messing up me today. That is a question you could ask yourself. It sounds like it is not serving with you any more..

 

So what to do.. I am not sure all I know is what worked for me.. I made a list of fears that I had around swinging.. I asked myself why I had the fear? Is the way I am managing the fear working? Last was how do I want to be? Answer the last question and do it. After I do that I I move into the solution and do not think of the other problem.. It takes a while for this to take hold for me.. but it works. If the feelings come back.. Instead of sitting on the couch strewing. I get up and make myself of service to others at the party. I get up and go talk to people. I just say hi and take a interest in them.

 

There is more that goes with this and I could write a book on this... but that is it in a nutshell.

[latin2012 22]

I don't know if this will help but here is my two cents worth. Everyone is human, everyone will get jealous at one thing or another. I don't care if they say they don't, if they mean it then they don't care about that person. Well with that said, I think it is more important HOW you handle this jealousy that keeps you and your wife playing.

 

My wife and I recently got together with a BBC. It was awsume, it was great. He ate her out and made her cum/squirt several times ( I have never been able to make her squirt). She rode him like crazy, she took turns giving us both great BJs. She never sexually left me out. Ok now for the bad part (at least on me). After things began to come down, I decided I wanted to spoon with her and fuck her from behind. Which in turn made her lay her head on his chest, and he held on to her, they ended up kissing, caressing, her jerking & sucking him off. But it all seem so ..... Lovingly, not sexual. The jealously began to hit. I just kept on playing. We finished after a few more hours of play and went home. When me and her play at home by our selves and finish I have always tried to get her to lay on my chest (not sexual) because I've always felt this is nice, me holding her. She usually does not want to and I have given up asking. Well when we got home that nite, I told her how I felt. After some great sex and being worn out I rolled on my back closed my eyes ready to pass out, with out any prompting. She put her head on my chest and we both fell asleep. I have not felt jealous about that again.

[GspotDPlover 84]

... What the hell has something that happened in the past messing up me today. That is a question you could ask yourself. It sounds like it is not serving with you any more..

 

So what to do.. I am not sure all I know is what worked for me.. I made a list of fears that I had around swinging.. I asked myself why I had the fear? Is the way I am managing the fear working? Last was how do I want to be? Answer the last question and do it. After I do that I I move into the solution and do not think of the other problem.. It takes a while for this to take hold for me.. but it works. If the feelings come back.. Instead of sitting on the couch strewing. I get up and make myself of service to others at the party. I get up and go talk to people. I just say hi and take a interest in them...

 

Yep! I learned all of this the hard way in the vanilla dating world. Truth is that traumatic experiences from our past, even just irritating ones--abandonment by a parent, rejection by a girl, getting drunk and hit by a truck, divorce, and more--all stay with us. Everyone has these negative experiences that feed negative emotions, the only choice we have is how we deal with them which comes down to letting them control us or us using them to improve ourselves.

 

... After things began to come down, I decided I wanted to spoon with her and fuck her from behind. Which in turn made her lay her head on his chest, and he held on to her, they ended up kissing, caressing, her jerking & sucking him off. But it all seem so ..... Lovingly, not sexual. The jealously began to hit. I just kept on playing. We finished after a few more hours of play and went home. When me and her play at home by our selves and finish I have always tried to get her to lay on my chest (not sexual) because I've always felt this is nice, me holding her. She usually does not want to and I have given up asking. Well when we got home that nite, I told her how I felt. After some great sex and being worn out I rolled on my back closed my eyes ready to pass out, with out any prompting. She put her head on my chest and we both fell asleep. I have not felt jealous about that again.

 

I fell in love with a woman who had a lot of baggage from the first quote (as did I) when we were doing this very thing. I knew only some of her past at the time but, looking back, it was inevitable that we would fall in love the way we did, we already loved each other, we just did not know each other. Lying on her bed with her falling asleep on my chest that day was one of the most powerful and the most intimate moment of my life. (No it did not work out, lasted only a short time and that was years ago). If I ever feel like that again holding a woman, I hope she is ready for the proposal. But it does sound like you were the one that put your wife on that guy's chest the way you were taking her from behind! It also sounds like you have a good one there since you told her you were hurt and she comforted you--imagine that in a marriage these days. Jealousy feels properly small and insignificant next to that.

[couplers 4,706]

^^ I like this but it is risky (but what is not?).

 

There is risk, and there is risk, it depends on the consequences. If the risk is illness (STDs), losing a job (fucking around with someone at work), or danger (playing with a married person whose spouse doesn't know & consent), then indeed, avoid the risk. But if the risk is that you might not have a good time, or even have a bad time, or even feel bad about something, so what? We have all gone to bad movies, bad restaurants, on bad vacations; but if there is no risk of getting ptomaine or being kidnapped then don't whine, just get over it, adjust and move on. So it is with non-monogamy.

 

 

@Petra, if I was one of those men I would have insisted that you marry us both!

 

I was engaged to Red and we lived together before we called it off. The wedding and living together part, but not the sex, the life, the love. So I wouldn't marry Red, even if he could be my second husband, but I do plan to have his child in maybe a year... David, however, is the perfect fit as my husband and co-conspirator in this life.

[NYFlirts 158]

Wow, looking back on this thread I realize I was REALLY going through a tailspin caused by a bunch of simultaneous triggers all hitting me at the same time!!

 

I'm in a MUCH better spot now and haven't really had any big jealousy episodes. I've had tinges from time to time over the past couple of weeks since I first posted, but nothing really big that I couldn't control.

 

I'm not under any false sense of security that my jealousy isn't going to explode again, but at least I know I can get out from under it!