Lonelier than ever

[jeff and maude 16]

I know that I should have written this a while ago but have not been in the right frame of mind to do so.

 

This is difficult for me because I had a bad feeling leading up to it but feel like I allowed myself to be manipulated.

 

So here is the preface.

 

The mr and I would talk about a FMF threesome a lot, and everything seemed fine. I have been with several women in the past and have always wanted a genuine threesome but never had the opportunity to participate in one.

 

I have known my husband for 17 years and we have been together for 16. I am the first and only woman he had ever had sex with. I was by no means his first pick, my closest friend at time was, but we still found each other at some point.

 

The mr has a history of catering to other people so during our talks I would bring up the potential for him to break rules when faced with someone who is a little demanding and that we needed clearly defined rules in the event that this should happen. This would cause him to begin accusing me of very specific hidden intentions concerning other men, which in turn seemed very suspicious to me considering his history of choosing other women over me in many different scenarios.

 

The last incident to happen was while considering a MFM threesome. He was very adamant about not being interested in the least by another woman but was curious about another man. He then flipped out because he assumed that I would choose to focus on the other guy and forget about him. Ok, now my spidey senses started tingling... I'm always suspicious when wild accusation are very specific, what makes a person think that way? So I responded with " let's do the FMF threesome first, that way you can set the behavioral bar." At this point he starts backtracking and reconsidering his accusations, insisting he trusts me and that he was being silly.

 

Here is mega mistake number one on my part. I should have put an end to the whole thing right there. But he just kept swearing that he wasn't trying to trap me, so I settled on mega mistake number two, I told him it would only happen if he proved that he could be trustworthy with another woman first.

 

So we proceed to set all the ground rules for both types of threesomes... He had about 9 of them which I completely agreed to, and I had two (I repeat, 2) rules.

 

1- don't do anything you're not willing to reciprocate.

2- don't finish with her alone. Finishing from a double blow job was ok.

 

Mega mistake number three was assuming that my first rule would somehow prevent him from braking his own rules.

 

Here is what happened.

 

We decided on an escort to avoid crazy emotional issues (mega mistake number four). Escorts are just as crazy and insecure as any other woman, if not more, and believe me this one took the cake! I begged mr to pick someone who was at least 25yrs old for maturity purposes. He selected a 19yr old with tattoos, piercings and blue hair thinking she would be an interesting experience.

 

He was acting very nervous and sweaty the entire way to the hotel, so I started trying to cancel. I started begging him to cancel, saying that he looked like he was going to have a heart attack and that he didn't look right. Again we've been together for 16 years and I've never seen him like this. He kept insisting that he was fine and he really wanted to do this. I did my best to calm his nerves... I suggested we start playing a little before she arrives which he agreed to, but was having trouble getting anything more than a semi. Then comes the knock at the door. He springs up and rushes downstairs (we had a loft suit, with the bathroom/ sitting area upstairs and the bed downstairs) because he insisted that he was the man and he should greet her.

 

I started getting nervous because it was taking a while and was about to go down to investigate when I heard them coming up. By the time they get upstairs he's completely collected and no longer sweating, but smiling because he thinks that she approves of me. She kind of shrieked when she saw me and said she wasn't expecting someone so pretty. She starts making suggestions on how to start which I'm fine with... Every time I said sure, she suggested something else, clearly trying to find something I wouldn't do. She finally suggests a bath which I hesitate to. She gets so happy because she thinks I'm shy to which I reply that it's my husband who is a little shy. She proclaims that she'll take care of that, rips off her dress (of course she has nothing else on underneath) and charges across the room, stripped my husband down and started pleasuring him. This might not seem like much but this broke 2 of his rules (being forcefully stripped and starting while the other person is caught of guard).

 

So I panic at first because I was vehemently told that he would never forgive me if I tried to remove his T-shirt, but then calmed down because he was smiling and seemed very into it. So I walk over to him and try to kiss him. (Spidy senses in high alert) This is where things became abusive toward me. She had no intention of having a threesome. She was there to prove that she was better than his wife. She later admitted this via text messages with him.

 

So the second I tried to kiss my husband, she grabbed me and shoved me away, she pulled my dress over my head and pulled my stockings and panties down around my knees and left me like that in tied high heeled sandals at the top of the staircase before going back to pleasuring the mr. I finally managed to get my dress off and hobbled over to them. I tried to participate and was promptly shoved back toward the bathtub. I began fumbling with my sandals and reached over to rub mr's thigh while doing so and was again shoved away. So I tried to just rub her back to which I was very violently shoved back and nearly hit my head on the corner of the marble bathtub. I looked up at my husband only to see him about to cum in her mouth when he grabs her head and says "let's go to the bed". This by the way lasted 2-3 minutes and broke yet another of his rules, he insisted that we not go more than a minute without at least eye contact, but has no recollection of anything that I was doing during this time. He admits that he didn't notice any of it or where I was in the room.

 

They then pretty much left me like that and broke another one of his rules when he let her take his hand and lead him downstairs without me.

 

This behaviour continued downstairs. She would not let me touch either of them. She would violently shove me away and throw herself at him. If I tried to kiss him she would shove me and try to kiss him. She would get upset every time there was any contact between us and would demand that we stop and that he go behind her where she would try to rub herself against his unprotected penis. Again, all things that he didn't notice.

 

At one point she quickly threw on a condom and hopped on without permission so he snapped at me to get her off. This made her start crying so I blurted out that it's not her fault, she's the first woman he's been with in 16 years. (Spidy senses are now off the charts!!!) Her tears instantly disappeared and where replaced by this maniacal smile. She rips off the condom even though it was perfectly fine (and I asked her not to) saying that she has plenty and she'll just use another one. I don't like how this is going one bit so I ask my husband if we can just finish and he agrees.

 

We ask her if it's ok for him to finish from a double blow job to which she says "no, I don't like that, but you can cum in my mouth". So, in the end she gave him the ultimatum to either finish with her alone or not at all. I tried to give him several other options (after all we did have a rule about this). He rejected me and chose to let her spit in a tissue.

 

I panicked and made mega mistake number five. I tried to stop him from braking one of my 2 rules. I blurted out that I still wanted to see them have sex. She took full advantage of this and snaps "then you go over there" and shoved me so hard that I flew back ass over tea kettle and almost rolled off the bed (again this went unnoticed by the mr.), she then promptly scurried on to him hiding his penis with her hands. Now, I know that there was no time for her to put a condom on him but he didn't stop her 'til he was about to cum so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and temporarily put it out of mind. When he did stop her, he looked mortified... So she asked him if he wanted her to slap him to help prolong his pleasure. He said no and to just get off and finish him.

 

Here is where my whole world begins to crash. She used her hands to hide him while he grabbed my head and forcefully pressed our foreheads together. I tried to turn to see if there was a condom and he twisted my head back 'til it hurt. He finished and told her it was good when she asked.

 

She then got up and checked the time and said "there's 10 minutes left, I was afraid We wouldn't have time to finish because of your wife". She then went upstairs to take a 15 minute shower. During this time mr won't say a word. He was completely silent and hugging me.

 

After 15 minutes I decided that I'm going upstairs. The shower gets turned off when we're halfway up.

 

She was still naked, but dry. No towels were disturbed and she was rummaging through her backpack.

 

She then proclaims to my husband that he still has 20 minutes if he would like a back rub to which he agrees. At this point I'm getting confused and annoyed about the time... I wanted her to leave so that we could talk about what just happened. So he lets her stay... She uses this time to tell him all about herself and how much she loves older men like him. I take offense to this because we're only 2 years apart and mention that... She freaks because all this time she thought I was 10 years younger. I have since then discovered that she thought she and I were 2 years apart and that mr was a sugar daddy, so she tells him that she was actually 18, I have since then learned that she is in fact 22 years old. We also discovered that instead of taking a shower she was actually going through our stuff including my husbands phone which is how she got his number to text him later on.

 

After dissing and insulting me for the last 20 minutes of the appointment, she finally decided to leave pissed and moody...

 

I was thinking that this was a disaster and hoping that mr agreed. But all that mr had to say was that she was neither better nor worse than me. This comment spurred a discussion in which I discovered that my partner of 16 years just had unprotected sex with a prostitute. He continued to deny this saying things like "why would she do that?" Or "I didn't notice anything", but would get nauseous and want to vomit every time I brought it up.

 

I insisted that he write an honest review of her on the review board where he found her, but he refused. I wrote an angry review for him to get inspired. I told him that since I didn't participate that I should be excluded for the review. Instead of doing any of this, he chose to further humiliate me by posting my review and adding me to it. All he said about me was that I'm attractive. Why?

 

As you can imagine all her johns came to her defense and made all sorts of assumptions about me... But the worst was the agency owner's comments that basically said that after talking to her he determined that it wasn't her fault that I was gross.

 

My husband got mad at me for not letting it go... So I emailed the owner with my real name and real photos of myself along with a shorter version of what I've expressed here. The next day I get a response from him saying that after knowing her for 2 years he can confirm that she is a violent scumbag and he believes me over her. She confessed that the condom "fell off" and that she tried to hide it.

 

That's right! She confessed that there was no condom, not my husband... He to this day swears that he didn't notice.

 

The agency owner ended up firing her and she went to work at another agency the next day. But of course the story didn't end there... She continued to defend herself to her clients who would go and write things about me on their board and she ended up texting my husband that this was all his fault! He never should have brought his Barbie wife... How was she supposed to compete with his Barbie wife... All she wanted to do was give him something that was more special than what his Barbie wife could give him... It was obvious that his Barbie wife didn't like her and that's why she had no choice but act the way she did.

 

So now I find myself dealing with this pain by myself. Mr was completely insensitive following the incident and claims that the 2 months spent fighting and arguing qualify as having talked about it even though he never admitted to anything during that time. He has spent 7 months pretending this never happened. He will admit to something during a fight and then deny it later, but says that he has admitted to everything and that he is sorry for it. For instance he didn't stop her because he was always curious about what another woman would feel like, but that I'm crazy if I think he wanted or liked any of what she did. How is anyone with half a brain supposed to reconcile that?

 

I've been given the ultimatum to either let it go or divorce him because he is done talking about it.

This is particularly devastating because I got pregnant with our second kid during his denial period.

 

I am currently 7 months pregnant with a complication that prevents me from working or exerting myself, thus I am unemployed with a 3 year old in tow.

 

I feel like I'm being threatened... Either shut up and conform or good luck. He says that he won't abandon us but that he can't live with me anymore as long as I'm still thinking about this and unable to trust him. He is unwilling to change anything about himself, and I'm no longer allowed to use his past behavior or mistakes as a reason for not trusting him because he has said that he is not that person anymore.

 

I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm alone, I have no one to turn to for empathy.

This is the only place I could think of where I won't be instantly put down.

I know that no one can help me... I just want someone to hear me.

 

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this.

 

I am truly saddened by this... I was hoping to open up a new area of our lives to explore together not to close every part of our lives from each other.

[junglecouple 128]

I'm sorry to hear you are having this issue, and I certainly don't want to diminish any of your concerns, but there is a lot of venom in your note and some of it doesn't even add up.

We too, have used pro's for play time and while your story may be all true in your prospective, it simply doesn't add up. I'm only addressing some of the things you wrote and not judging the actions, just your RE-actions to it.

 

From what you write, this took place quite some time ago but the tone of your note makes it sound very recent. If you have suffered through this for a year.. you indeed have a remarkable memory for details.

 

You and he should be able to work through this after 16 yrs of being together, if not, see a counselor. It sounds like you aren't willing to blow it off after all this time and he's tired of being accused. You were there and from your recounting of the tale, allowed yourself to be manipulated not only by him, but by the hired help as well.

 

Now you are obsessing about it, and it's only made things worse that you feel trapped by a child, a pregnancy, and an uncaring husband.

Go to counseling, alone at first so you can talk it out to a non judgmental outsider and get it all out on the table.. at some point he will need to see the same counselor so you two can work it out, or not.

 

You put so many small details in your post, it's hard to believe it was that long ago, or you have clung to everything you can, to the point of becoming desperate to talk to someone. See your pastor, (if you believe in that sort of thing) or a professional counselor that specializes in marital affairs... no pun intended..

[jeff and maude 16]

Thank your for input.

 

I will give this a day or two and delete the post since it is obviously offence to some of you.

 

I'm sorry for sharing this after 7 months, that was just another of my stupid mistakes.

 

My only question is... If she was such a pro, why snoop through his phone to get his number?

 

I have the texts where she berates him because she didn't understand what he needed her for if he had me. She also went out of her way to express that I was in no shape way or form a client, just in the way.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

jeff and maude, please don't take offense if your post creates discussion and possibly some questions about your situation. Many of us here are used to offering open and honest opinions and thoughts on matters such as you have posted. We do so, not to be mean hearted, but to help the OP ( in this case, you) consider different perspectives on the situation and hopefully help the person/couple in the long run.

[junglecouple 128]

Jeff/Maude;

we certainly weren't trying to be mean or chastising, but on the note of "chastising"... call them what you will "pro's" , "providers", "hookers", "escorts" etc etc, many of them, ESP the young and dumb, CANNOT be trusted.. how do you think they ended up with that as a profession?.. Be glad all she did was go through his phone, you could be missing cash, jewelry, or even THE PHONE!!, (it's worth $50 on any street corner)

While we do entertain those ladies occasionally, it's never a "kid". What you described is NOT a "pro" it's just a hooker looking for $.

 

If she actually asked "what do you need me for?", then someone dropped the ball BIG TIME during the appointment set up. It's not clear who did the booking, and what was requested, but it's obvious the booking agent wasn't paying attention when the appointment for an FMF was set. And.... the very first time the hired playmate reacted improperly, the date should have been over, period!.. Either of you two could have said "Well, there's obviously been a misunderstanding and here's $20 for your cab, but you need to leave NOW!"

 

It sounds like the escort wasn't the only one to blame. It's like that old adage, "you knew it was a snake when you picked it up". From your description of her appearance, we would have very quickly said, "I'm sorry, but there's been a mistake in communications and we'll pass this time." Then call the booking agent and let them know you could have picked up someone like that, on a corner downtown.

 

Good agents don't allow bad behavior. I doubt she was "fired", from what you describe happened, the girl in question was out for a buck, NOT a *uck. Not uncommon in that biz.. That's why there are reviews for established Pros.

 

As to your personal situation, well, that just sucks. But you two need to talk, and if one of you refuses, get counseling alone. But this isn't the best place to make a life changing decision based on our input.. Hang in there and weigh the history between you two.. do the pros outweigh the cons? Sounds like this was a hiccup in the road and both of you need to be able to put it behind you, or discuss it and make a decision based on where you want to be. Good Luck@! You ACTUALLY SENT YOUR REAL NAME, AND PHOTOS TO THE AGENT.. WELL WATCH FOR THEM TO BE POSTED, USING SOMEONE ELSE'S "HANDLE" on your pics..

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

First of all, posting here wasn't 'another one of your stupid mistakes'. Everything isn't your fault, it isn't necessarily your husbands fault either. You tried to fulfill a fantasy and things went horribly wrong.

 

I'm just trying to look at this, based on the information you provided, from some different points of view.

 

View one: Guys have a tendency not to be able to see anything else very well once they see breasts (or whatever you guys favorite part of the female body is). Also, the blood is usually busy running to another part of their body so the brain can become deprived of oxygen. This effect is probably magnified by the fact that he never had much experience with anyone other than you. It sounds like he did do some stupid things but he probably doesn't realize that they were stupid. He was going to get to have sex with another woman with your blessing! That you are complaining about it now just means you changed your mind and tried several times to stop it (including stopping it before anything happened) before he could have his fun. He probably had one of the most amazing nights of his life (once again, eyes not working right and blood not in brain) but you keep punishing him for doing something that you said he could do...and now that it is done, there is nothing he can do to change the past. That's all very confusing. He doesn't understand what he did wrong and he doesn't know how to 'fix' the problem but he's getting tired of getting beat up and being the 'bad guy' after you said it was all okay.

 

View Two: Very young, immature 'working' girl (a 19yr old with tattoos, piercings and blue hair) sees an older guy with (what she perceives as) a much younger woman...he must be a 'sugar daddy' (your words). She needs a sugar daddy and here's one in front of her. All she needs to do is show him that she is better in bed and younger than you are and he'll drop you for her. She can't do that if you are participating so she forces you out of the picture and proceeds to do everything she can to 'prove her worth' to him. She needs him more than you so she's willing to do whatever it takes (including no condom) to win him over to her. Afterwards, she was probably trying to see what she could steal by searching through your stuff (she needs it more than you do) as well as to find a way to get back in touch with him (so she could 'steal' him as well). If she was a good 'worker', her agency wouldn't have been so willing to get rid of her...she must have had complaints in the past if they were willing to fire her based solely on your one experience.

 

You are obviously still very mad and hurt about all of this, but continuing to punish your husband is only going to lead to one result: divorce. Other than the poor choices he made here (mostly by not paying attention to your needs or the rules...all of which disappeared because of a lack of blood to his brain), is he normally like this? Does he usually treat you poorly and not care about your emotions? I don't know, but if this was an isolated event then he doesn't sound like a bad guy, just confused. Here was the chance to live out a fantasy with your permission and all you've done since then is punished him for it over and over. Hey, you gave permission already, what did he do wrong (I'm assuming this is his viewpoint)? If you want to keep him, and I'm assuming you do, then you may need to try and let some of this go. Quit being angry with him and yourself. Sometimes things don't go how we hoped that they will. Some fantasies should remain just that, a fantasy. Reality will never equal what the imagination has already created. I'm sure that he thinks you were amazing for even considering doing this (how many women would be willing to do a FMF for their man...I mean outside of this forum?). So where do you two go from here?

 

Talk...don't tell, be willing to listen. Also don't try to force him to talk (he's shy and I'm guessing talking isn't one of his strong points). I would start by apologizing for being so hard on him and try to reopen the lines of communication (this assumes that you can let some of the anger go). Give him some time to see that you have mellowed and want to talk. It won't be easy and it most likely won't happen as fast as you would like, but what you both have been doing isn't working so it's time to try something else. I'm sure that there are things that I missed, and I'm just as sure that I might be completely out in left field and I don't 'get' any of this, but both of us were married for over 20 years to the wrong people before we met and both have had experience with being blamed. I've said it 100's of x's that if my psychic abilities were better, I would still be married (only, in this case, to the wrong person).

 

This (the LS) is just a magnifying glass. If there are any weaknesses in a relationship, this will magnify them and make them appear larger. However, it can also magnify the strengths and the love and make them much larger as well. We wish you the best and please let us know how things work out...

[Swirl 27]

I don't know if this has been addressed already, but the suggestion that you see a counselor alone first, and then your husband would have to eventually see the same counselor, is extraordinarily misguided. Disregard it.

 

Telling your story here is brave and good for you. You did share this to learn what we thought, yes? Despite a negative or unwelcoming vibe you will occasionally get here, and anywhere really, your choice to come here is wise as you are among friends with something in common. Folk here have much accumulated experience with these types of issues, and will offer ideas and suggestions hopefully based on those experiences. But realize the only thing of value any of us have to share is our own experiences - perhaps the tiniest pinch of wisdom, and generous helpings of encouragement, if we're kind.

 

People who share theories and opinions really need to be professionals in the fields they speak about. Otherwise, grains of salt and all that.

 

Never forget that a huge portion of life is all about learning, even when the lessons are very difficult. Schools in. It can feel like the end of the world, but surely it isn't. The Earth has a funny way of ignoring my troubles and turning anyway, dammit. Try to take it easy, give it some space, give it even more time (never mind your 7 months); learn here and everywhere you can, and live on. And for goodness sake stop calling yourself stoopid

 

Hang in there.

[Glida 250]

Hey 'Barbie wife' you beautiful thing.... Your husband has gold in his hands and doesn't even know it. I've been married to Mr G for 13 years and have to say that I've reacted like your husband in some situations... Either oblivious, caught up in the moment or in denial about what's happening around me. Read my post 'no chocolate chip and sadly no vanilla either' some of it might relate.

 

First things first girl you are pregnant and unemployed that's a lot of time to think ( more like wallow) accompanied by raging crazy hormones so just take a big breath!!

 

In the heat of the moment we can all get caught up in it, emotions are high, the risk, fear and excitement sounded they all culminated and emerged into one big bad decision. I'm not talking about the decision to fulfill the fantasy I'm talking about the decision not to turn the car around when your spidey senses told you that something wasn't right.

 

We have the spidey senses for a reason, they warn us of danger, how many times have I and others brushed them off saying to ourselves, it will be ok, I'll try harder, it's just nerves or something like that? But my hat goes off to you though for keeping your composure, had that been me she shoved away from 'my' husband, she would have been forcefully evicted if needs be, followed by her cheap shoes thrown out the window.... Can you tell that reading you message made my blood boil:nono:

 

I wish I could offer you some kind of help in dealing with where you are now the only thing I can say is this...

 

You can't control the way people feel or react, Mr has to understand for himself where you are. And that's gonna take time, he's probably shit scared of you right now, has no answers, he might even feel a little overwhelmed himself, people don't respond we'll to accusations, maybe he's on total defense, after all a pregnant woman on the attack is enough to drive any man into his cave!

 

Breath girl breath... Take your time, your focus at the moment is you and your baby, in time you will figure out a way of getting Mr to understand where you have been this last few months and that's the ultimate goal. And that will come from communication, trust and time, do not accuse him, it was not his fault neither was it yours, you both crashed together the situation has swept both of you away! And both of you need to come forward and express what's happening with each of you... Your statements and dialogue with him might start with the word, I... I felt... I saw...I sensed....instead of YOU did or YOU didn't... That tends to make people defensive which isn't going to help you after all it sounds like all you want is to be heard so that you can forgive and move forward...

 

We are here for you 'Barbie'

[PB&J 1,086]

So, I'm assuming this attempt at an FMF happened after Epic first group experience This other post is obviously written from your husband's POV; did you enjoy that group experience as much as he did? Obviously, with you being pregnant, you're not interested right now in pursuing anything, and rightly so, and you two need a lot of work before you can get back to a place where you can trust each other on this, but maybe if you can focus on the good stuff rather than the bad, it would be a start.

 

That being said, what happened sounds like a real shit-storm, but we all make mistakes. Quite frankly, I'd want to focus on that baby inside me, and that other child, and make sure that whatever is happening between you doesn't end up hurting them, too.

[jeff and maude 16]

Thank you for your comments, believe it or not they help a great deal.

 

First let me clear one thing up. I'm not assuming on her part. I was barely even paraphrasing. She literally texted things like "how else was I supposed to compete with your Barbie wife???"

 

Anyway, after the barrage of texts, my husband complained to the agency about her having his number. This resulted in yet more texts, this time revealing that he is the only client whose number she ever took so she knows he's the one who complained.

 

As for her getting fired. Immediately following the review, the agency owner sent us an email apologizing for her behaviour and that he had been having problems with her for some time. He then posted his defence reply on the board. That is what made me reply to his email. After reading my heartfelt letter and talking to her about it again with my photos in hand, he replied saying that what she did was "criminal" and qualified as "aggravated sexual assault". That's when she got fired. He also insisted on refunding us the 1.5 hours she was there. That explained my confusion about the time, she stayed longer and paid it out of pocket.

 

She texted my husband that she did what she did to impress him, to make sure he liked her better because he refused to kiss her and kept trying to touch me. Which is true. So as far as she is concerned, she fully admitted that she was expecting me to be old and unattractive when she agreed to the call, and freaked out because "your wife is hotter than any of the girls i work with". If it still isn't obvious that this person had and complete jealous meltdown, I really don't know what else to say.

 

Now to the other issue,

 

I never gave him permission to finish with her. (And I most certainly never agreed to unprotected intercourse!) That was one of my two rules. I even told him before hand that I wasn't sure how I would react to it, but that should he decide he wanted it at the last second, I would accept it ONLY under the condition that he talk to me about it afterward. I did this because yes, my husband has spent the last 16 years living in the moment and he admits this. He admits that he's been very neglectful of my feelings since the beginning of our relationship and that he has never put my best interests first.

 

He is also not willing to reciprocate. I took finishing with her off the menu because he took anal off the menu. (For some reason, both men and women seem to be obsessed with my back door) He deemed that he would consider me accepting anal sex from another guy cheating so to make things fair I choose him finishing with her as my definition of cheating. He also imposed a no couples rule, threesomes only, which I agreed to because I didn't want to play without him. This was very important to him. He complained that if some things weren't off limits that it would feel to much like an open marriage. He insisted on all the rules because he is insecure about his weight and was afraid that I would get swept off my feet by some hunk with a huge package.

 

I'm sorry if I gave anyone the impression that I picked the first fight. After she left, I scooted up to him smiling and asked coyly "so? How was it?". This enraged him. He says that he hated every minute of it and was so angry that I was acting ok with it that he chose to verbally attack me. He picked the first fight and said things that I won't dare repeat. He says he didn't let her kiss him because he "didn't want that thing anywhere near his face". He looked like he wanted to punch her when she tried to kiss him goodbye which is when she stormed out of the room without closing the door.

 

So please try to understand my confusion and alarm when he nonchalantly replied that she was "neither better nor worse" than me.

When asked by the psychiatrist why he would say that he answered that he was angry and blamed me for everything that went wrong because he didn't even want to be there.

 

Before assumptions are made, he swears that he took an illegal enhancement drug before she got there and that is the only reason she got any physical reaction from him. He only told me about this two days later because he knew that I would be mad. (I know that many of you use them but please understand that they are very dangerous when not prescribed and monitored my a doctor.)

 

Counselling didn't help because the psychiatrist told him that he is the one who can't talk to me without making it confrontational. She straight up told him that I express myself very well and that he should use the letters I've written him as an example. He should even read them everyday if he has to. She told him that he most likely treats me this way because I'm the only person he's ever really bounded with so that makes me the only person he can take his frustrations out on. She told him that she can help him find ways to learn how to express himself in a healthy way, but that ultimately he is going to have to talk to me about this at some point. That's when he stopped going and stopped talking.

 

Believe it or not, this rant has done more help for us than anything else. It's been 7 months because I tried to let it go until he felt comfortable talking about it but he just fell back into old patterns.

 

He read every word of it and for the first time in 7 months he genuinely seemed to see my side of it. He said that it was like reliving it through my eyes. He did notice her erratic behaviour he just didn't realize that it was because she was evading and or shoving me, he assumed she was high on something. He did notice and was annoyed that she would not let him touch me (if he did touch me she would take his hand and put it on herself) but he was too afraid of upsetting her further to say anything, after all we did just dish out a couples rate for her plus a room. He didn't contest any details except for the "blaming myself". He said that he has no excuse or explanation for his actions other than not being able to stand up to bullies, and she was a bully. So like most victims of bullies he reacted by doing her bidding not because he wanted to but because she demanded it. He then took all his hatred for her out on me after she left.

 

In the end he encouraged me to post this because it is the truth. He says that he couldn't bring himself to look at it this way because he was embarrassed and ashamed that he let her (and so many others) manipulate him. He says that he doesn't know why other people's opinions of him mattered so much, but that is the only reason he ignored me. He was afraid that she wouldn't like him. After it was done, he was ashamed and felt to guilty to say anything to me while she "showered". Then he started getting angrier when she wouldn't leave or shut up. He says that he despised her and wasn't the least bit attracted to her but didn't want to do anything that would make her not like him, that is, until she tried to kiss him goodbye.

 

He says that it's my assumption that he wanted or liked anything about her that makes him angry. He gets defensive because he can't prove it by his actions and I won't believe his words because of what was said after she left. I wish it were as simple as, she was novel and he lost control, but that's a hypothesis that he won't humour.

 

As for my memory, well it does often astound people. I'm a bit of a freak that way, but it has served me very well in both my education and career where I've built a reputation of being the person who never f@*#s up. Love it or hate it, it is my gift and my curse. It is a part of what makes me me.

 

For the record, I wasn't mad that he broke the rules. I was happy for him until he started attacking me. He accidentally let some details slip that confirmed that there was no condom on. He said that she was so dry that it hurt his foreskin and that she was prickly from not shaving. When I asked how it was possible to feel that through a condom (out of fear for my own safety) he accused me that my obsession with weather or not there was a condom was a clear sign that I'm the one who couldn't handle "the lifestyle".

That's when I mentioned my suspicion and he threw up and said that I was crazy.

 

And yes, he gave me something that was very gross and very smelly. I just finished my second round of antibiotics to clear it up because the first round wasn't strong enough. I am waiting for new test results to see if the infection spread to my urinary track or god forbid my uterus.

 

So I am still living with the consequences of his actions which makes it a little harder to forget the whole thing.

 

My OBGYN advised me not to have unprotected sex with him until this is sorted out because more often than not men don't show symptoms. But he will continue to reinfect me. This just makes things even harder because he believes that his lack of symptoms means that he is clean, so I must have gotten it from the STD fairy or it's all in my head.

 

I stopped talking about it to him months ago and he was very sad when a couple of weeks ago, after he insisted that he be present at my prenatal appointment, he discovered that I've been hiding my ongoing struggle from him.

 

I don't know if this clears anything up for anyone. But rest assured that I am just as confused as the rest of you about what exactly happened.

 

I never accused him of anything. I told him repeatedly that I don't care if he enjoyed himself as long as he's honest about everything. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

First of all, thanks for the update...please keep them coming.

 

Second of all, it sounds like this has helped the both of you, which is great. I hope that the two of you can keep talking and work this all out and we're all still here if you need another opinion. It does sound like you are doing better, you seem less upset in your reply (which is a good thing). The combination of 'living in the moment' and a need to please everyone around him can be difficult for him (and you) to handle (potential bad impetuous decisions), but I think you already know that. Keep moving forward and moving ahead. Remember, anything that doesn't push you two away from each other will only bring the two of you closer together (a variation of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger). Let us know if there's anything we can do to help.

[Swirl 27]

Good for you. There is clearly plenty to work through (so much went wrong), but working through it, sometimes slow, sometimes quick, will pay off.

I was curious whether he was shutting down on the topic because of fear or shame or some such. You can work with that, that part at least. The other parts, specifically those you don't understand or can't reconcile, will probably take longer. It is entirely possible that even he doesn't fully understand all his motivations. I routinely have to dig pretty deep to have any hope of understanding mine. Mostly I discover that on my best days I am tragically human.

 

I could suggest that you also spend plenty time owning any mistakes that you are certain you made (not calling yourself stupid), forgiving yourself for them (human as you are) and learning from them. You will better for it, no matter what.

 

Chin up

[Guest sandraandalex]

Press the 'Reset' button

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

...there's a reset button? Where...

[jeff and maude 16]

Hi I just wanted to give some closure to all this.

 

He was a passive aggressive douche who only cared about himself, his needs and his feelings.

 

At the end of the day he broke all the rules because they were there and doing so would have hurt me so it was an easy way for him to purge himself of all the nasty and angry feelings he had for everyone in one swoop and being able to get away with it.

 

He set me up. He was hoping that I would screw up. But then she started bullying me so he saw an even better way to hurt me.

 

Anyway, we are splitting up because apparently it's unreasonable of me to no longer trust him and expect him to earn it back... How dare I?

 

Thanks again to everyone for your input... It really gave me the strength to avoid falling back into the cycle.

[Guy1964 177]

I want to thank you for taking the time to write this difficult post, especially knowing how controversial it would be. So many of the accounts and stories focus on the idealized experience and leave out the part about the troubling emotions. I found it enlightening to hear about a time when things didn't go so well, so thank you for sharing that.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Thanks for the update and we're sorry that the outcome wasn't a better one...or it actually may be. Both of our first marriages were long (20 years+ for each of us) and painful (looking back now) but it just makes our now that much better as we try not to make the same mistakes again. We hope that you can also find that better future.