Why do guys want to see their wives with other men? Nature, DNA, sexual trauma?

[mncurious 20]

Hi all,

 

Thanks for reading this post. As this has almost caused, and still may result in my wife and I divorcing, I am hoping to find some good answers with you experts, from education and experience, here on the forum.

 

Ever since we were engaged, I have been turned on by the idea of having another guy have sex with my fiancee/wife, mainly watching to two of them and even taking some pictures or video. As you probably know what's coming next, my wife has ranged from ambivalent to outright saying no to actually considering it while we were having sexual problems over the past ten plus years. We rarely have sex and this is mainly due to sexual trauma on my part.

 

I thought it would be a great short or even long term solution to having her sexual needs met while I worked on my trauma in therapy. However, while the cause of my trauma has been greatly reduced and in many ways totally healed, I still have this desire to see my wife with another man, especially an aggressive assertive even DOM. Due to my sexual issues, I have a very hard, pun intended, time being on top and assertive with both my needs and in taking charge during sex, which is what my wife wants.

 

We've tried years of therapy that has not solved the problem and actually left both of us frustrated on many levels from sex to just our daily lives as a married couple. I tried a few times to add another guy and let's just say the results have been less than successful, once resulting in a separation for several months.

 

I'm really not sure where this desire to see my wife with another man comes from but it has nothing, so far as I can tell, from my personal sexual experiences or trauma from childhood and my therapists have also come to the same conclusion. The desire is so strong that I become erect almost instantly when thinking about my wife having sex with another man or reading some of the stories here about swinging wives. Whatever the reason, it's very strong and I would have no hesitation if she wanted to meet another guy tomorrow so long as it didn't affect our marriage or end our sex life, as pathetic as it is. Ideally, it would improve our sex life and for sure leave her sexually satisfied knowing that if I can't please her and bring her to orgasm, she has other options that are safe for her and not secretive. I do want her other lover to cum inside my wife while I watch or find out afterwards.

 

Any and all advice, on and offline, is greatly appreciated. I sense at this point after many years of false starts and very very little sex, she is just about open to anything including divorce but if bringing in another man can prevent that for both our sake and our children, that would be ideal.

 

Thanks so much.

 

P.S. There's no real cuckold desire to this because I still want to have regular sex with my wife once I can engage in sexual intercourse regularly but would be fine with a long term lover or more if I can't ever heal from my sexual trauma so I can please my wife sexually on a regular basis.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear that you are having so many problems and wish you the best. Second, how many times has it been said: communication, communication communication! Third, if she isn't interested, then she isn't interested and that (as you have been finding out) most likely will not change.

 

Now as to the actual question, especially in long term relationships, I think it has something to do with seeing that another man thinks your woman is hot and wants to have sex with her. After being together awhile, we can tend to take the commonplace for granted. Knowing that another man is sexually attracted to your S.O. reminds us that she really IS hot. I'm sure that there's more to it, but this was my first thought...

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I think the reasons may vary, so this is just my perspective. With me, it's about 10% because it's hot, the exact reason for which I can't put my finger on, it just is, and the other 90% is I like seeing her happy and having fun. My swinging fantasies have never hinged on seeing her with another guy. I enjoy seeing her with someone else, but that's not the reason we got into swinging, and I don't really focus on it or intentionally ignore it either when we are playing. If I do focus attention on it, it's for a brief few moments and is really more of a checking in with her to make sure everything is going ok. If that check-in gives things an extra little jolt, then fine, but that's not the reason I'm doing it.

 

In reading your post, I see a lot of "I" but not much "she". From what I understand, she has given mixed signals on what she might be up for, but instead of nurturing that and letting it grow wherever it may, you went ahead and tried to force it the direction you wanted it to go. That hasn't worked out well (never does), so now you stand at a crossroads. Your sex life in general isn't satisfying to either of you, therapy to this point hasn't helped, and you are searching for an answer. The answer that first comes to mind isn't always the best answer though, especially when two people are involved and there doesn't seem to be much middle ground. In those cases, the first answer is usually what the person giving it wants as an individual for themselves.

 

I don't have any other advice to give other than to keep trying counselors until you find one that is effective. There are obviously issues in the relationship, and if there is one truism about swinging it is that it won't fix a bad relationship since it's a magnifier, it just makes what is already there more obvious. Even if she would suddenly agree, I think you would rue the day you ever brought the idea up where you to go ahead and follow through with it now with the state things are in.

[male4ypleasure 66]

Some females & males will never accept the idea of swinging no matter how it is approached. It could be on moral grounds, jealousy issues, insecurity or whatever, the reason does not matter. You have to accept and not pressure the other person to do something they don't want to do. I have had the pleasure of a long term relationship with a couple that the husband loves to watch and wife love's the sex and turning on her husband. Sadly they have moved out of the area.

[mncurious 20]

Hi all. Thank you very much for the help and information. I thought that I should add this part after reading how I used the word I too much.

 

After our last discussion about bringing in another guy that, along with other issues, sent us back to marriage counseling, my wife asked me point blank if she could go have sexual needs meet somewhere else. While I wanted to say yes right there, we talked and thought we should go to counseling first to make sure our marriage was in a strong place in other parts before moving forward so she could have her sexual needs met without any sense of shame or secrecy. We are now in a much better place with our marriage except the sex part. That's one of the reasons for being here to get help with the next step (swing parties, craigslist, swingersboard) and also to try and understand why it turns me on to think about my wife having sex with other guys. Sadly, my sexual trauma is taking way too long to heal from and may never be fully processed.

 

Thanks again for the responses and please keep them coming.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Mncurious, first WELCOME to the board! This place is a fantastic resource with plenty of people who will give you sage advice. For my wife and I, had it not been for this board it is likely we never would have gotten into swinging six years ago. The people here are great. You've come to the right place to get your questions about swinging answered

 

I think you made a very wise choice to suggest you and your wife go to counseling before moving forward. Swinging requires a strong marriage. It's been said many times here but bears repeating. Swinging will not improve or destroy a marriage by itself. It is a magnifying glass. What it finds it will magnify. If it finds problems, they will be magnified 10x over. If it finds love and security, that will be magnified 10x over.

 

Before my wife and I got involved in swinging, I would have been willing to bet every penny I'd ever made that she would never engage in swinging. It was simply impossible. How did we get from point A to point B? LOTS of heart to heart conversations, plenty of wide open communication about our deepest desires, fantasies, wants, needs, etc. Swinging was part of that, but not always the focus. We worked very hard on understanding each other to a level deeper than we'd gone before. Even that alone was great for our marriage (which was good before). Your focus on your marriage with counseling is in line with that approach. Keep working it. Marriage isn't something that can be fixed and then paid no mind. It's an every day thing...even if it wasn't troubled. Disney sells this idea of 'get married and live happily ever after'. That's not reality. Marriage is an every day thing, and must be.

 

As we worked on the idea of swinging, one of the things that my wife had a hard time wrapping her brain around was the concept that it really was ok by me for her to talk about other men, being attracted to them, wanting to have sex with them. Social programming stigmatizes any notion that a married person should openly talk about being attracted to someone they are not married to. There's an instant reaction of 'there must be a problem in our marriage!'. It's hard to break that social programming. But, identifying it for what it is...programming...is good in general, even if you never swing. In essence, stop living the life others have decided for you and start living your own lives. Reality? Sex drive for other people doesn't shut down just because we put a ring on our finger. What does shut down is the expression of it in the presence of our spouse. We're told "that's wrong!' so we don't do it, and if we do there must be something wrong. Strip away all that programming and what you're left with is reality; you can be attracted to other people and not have a problem with your spouse. That was not easy for my wife to come to, but eventually she did. Once that programming fell away, the conversations got even deeper. Again, this was good even if we didn't swing.

 

Swinging is a shared experience. It is something you approach as a team. You communicate, share, express, and revel in each other's lives. I wholeheartedly enjoy my wife having sex with other men...whether I am there or not...because it pleases me to know she is living a fulfilled life in the way she wants. She doesn't have to have swinging, but it feels wonderful for her to do so and her happiness is my happiness. It's critically important that you are together on this as a team. It may take years more before you get to the point of watching your wife have sex with another man...if you get there at all. But that's ok. the journey is what is important, not the goal in this case. Always strive to walk with each other.

 

Others have said and it bears repeating; you can't pressure your wife into this. I think you know this. But, it's important that it is a shared experience and not one that she is doing under pressure from you. It is possible you may never swing. If you don't, that's ok. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. Revel in the shared experience of life with your wife. Only a small subset of wives would even consider swinging, much less actually do it. Count yourself lucky she isn't gone and is willing to at least discuss the idea. Be thankful for what you have.

 

As to why I find it enjoyable to watch my wife have sex with another man; I can't answer that. Not because I don't want to Believe me I've tried to answer that question for myself. I don't have an answer. I really don't. What I do know is that it is thoroughly enjoyable for me. I am always turned on by her having sex with other men, and even the thought of it stirs me. I gave up trying to answer that question because it seemed an endless quest.

 

As for your next step; a swing party or swing club can be overwhelming for a first experience. If you get to the point where you and your wife would like to dip your toes into the pool, a good route would be to create a profile on swinglifestyle.com. Make your profile great, and be clear about your experience level and what you want. There are plenty of single men in the lifestyle who would be quite willing to have sex with your wife. The tricky part isn't finding such men. The tricky part if finding the right match. What holds true for dating holds true for swinging. Women can pick up men. That's easy. Picking up good ones requires more effort and patience. Be patient. My wife's first experiences in swinging were ok. Not stellar, not terrible, just ok. We'd already agreed that if it was so-so we'd keep trying for a bit. Then there came a gentleman whom my wife really, really enjoyed. The sex she had with him was fantastic. After we left for the evening, she had a silly grin on her face and said "Ok, now I'm a swinger!".

 

Be patient, go slow, work on your relationship and get the communication channels wide open. Don't be judgmental with each other; everything is fair game, and nothing will be criticized. Enjoy the ride. Even if you never swing, it will be a good one.

 

PS: My wife came in while I was writing this and read out loud an ad on the screen that says "BANG MY WIFE (click here)". I said, "I'm on swingersboard." she said..."Well I didn't think you were on Wikipedia!"

[rogergo4 17]

For me it's all about seeing my wife happy. But I know there's more to it, but what I don't know. Good luck in your quest.

[couplers 4,640]

Has she ever told you flat out honestly what she would enjoy doing sexually? As you can tell from this site, and more form everything on the internet, there is a wide, wide range of sexual interests ranging from swinging, doing something kinky with you, having a fuck buddy, having a emotional affair, trying to explore her lezzie side, being an exhibitionist, etc. Let her know you're comfortable with whatever her fantasy may be. Then go along with her on an exciting exploratory journey. Keep us updated, please.

[machiavel55 81]

I think a lot of males who enjoy watching their wives, when asked why it turns them on, come up with reasons that makes them look good or that they can live with. Here is a very good article that may open a few doors in some minds.

What Our Sexual Fantasies Say About Our Past | Stanley Siegel

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

machiavel55 said:

I think a lot of males who enjoy watching their wives, when asked why it turns them on, come up with reasons that makes them look good or that they can live with. Here is a very good article that may open a few doors in some minds.

What Our Sexual Fantasies Say About Our Past | Stanley Siegel

I read the article and subsequently re-read the entire thread taking special interest in mncurious' original post. Stanley Siegel's article is interesting and seems to me completely logical. I sometimes wonder what reason might exist for my have only a casual interest in watching my wife have sex when so very many esteemed members of this Web site profess enjoying it immensely or greatly desiring it. This is a good read and I too recommend it.

[bigtruckker 15]

I was in almost the same situation. I must say it sounds like it is possible. You must communicate a lot, know what she wants herself. I wanted watch her with another man for years, and it finally happened and more than once. It is very awesome I must say. do not rush her tho, also you never mentioned her age. When women get older 40's to 50's and still have a decent body they tend to open up. My wife was 50 before she finally tried it. Be patient be patient. Remember all jealousy cannot be. We are never away from each other, no seperate rooms, no seeing somebody with out the other involved. We have been married over 30 yrs. We do it for fun. I like to watch her and she likes to watch me. LOL Good luck!

[RandJ 20]

I think this sums up everything..it hits the nail on the head. You have to be a team. Have total trust, and a loving relationship/marriage.

[enhancer 1,585]

Really hope you two are able to set everything straight in you relationship and you are able to heal from past sexual trauma on your part! The most important thing is your relationship together. I really don't think that the lifestyle is about saving a failing relationship or fixing something that is lacking. To us at least it is about adding to something that is already great between us.

 

As for watching your wife with other men there can be different reasons for different people as far as that goes! It is perfectly normal for someone to want that and is not uncommon at all! For myself I feel Ms Enhancer is the sexiest woman alive and the thought of her being pleasured by other men is a huge turn on. It is something I fantasize about often. It is not something that is big on her list though and I completely respect that. She prefers other women or couples with bi women and that is what most of our lifestyle activity is. If we could find the right guy for her she would be more then willing, but finding single guys that are not complete douche bags is a lot harder then it would seem.

[male4ypleasure 66]

I have to agree with the enhancer that it is all about adding to something that is already great! As a male seeking a couple where the husband enjoys watching & joining me in pleasuring his wife in a long term friendship with benefits relationship, I routinely find couples who having been ruined by bossy egotistical douche bags who don't realize it is all about pleasing the couple not just them getting their rocks off.

[OpenMindedPair 35]

Alpha hetero Dom husband here.

For me nearly all lovers are submissive and having my girl be the objectof lust is invigorating. Sperm competition.

[Eddiem 139]

Many of us have it. Some call it sperm competition, others want to see their wives pleased differently than we have been able to please them. For me it is about the latter.

[adamgunn 1,460]

The reason I want to see my woman with another man is because we both find that it's fun.

 

We don't particularly need 'deeper' reasons.

[venusshaw 123]

As a woman, I don't know why, but this is what my husband said, when he gently persuaded me to become a swinger. He thinks as primates, we are instinctively polygamous. But, man has made this world into a monogamous world, to protect himself from the fact that if women slept with many men, he may be, will be bringing up someone else's child. Also, women are sexually stronger - they can have multiple orgasms yo man's one per session, they take longer to reach orgasm, man could be done in minutes. Evolution wise, sex for man was a release of tension. For the woman, it was to find the fittest man (brain and brawn) for procreation, so that her offspring will survive and thrive. She therefore had to sleep with many before she found her man.

 

When man became the stronger of the two, he put a stop to this and caged the woman in the house, so that she could be stopped from all proclivity for sex. He used religion, male god and other means to put fear into women that they are bad if they as much as like, touch or want sex. For a large period of time, ending with the Victorian age, she was to open her legs and numbly take it for getting pregnant.

 

All this has changed now. Man is no more the master of women. Man has no fear of the woman getting pregnant, and if she does and wants to keep the child then the paternity can easily be determined.

 

Once the war between Venus and Mars was resolved, man realized that his woman is more sensual and is more sexually active if her polygamous nature is allowed to explore, expand and explode. I can vouch for it, that our relationship was greater before I started swinging, but now it is on a different plane altogether. I see no jealousy, no envy, pure bliss on his face and body when I have an orgasm with another man, suck and fuck. Many times our hottest sex is when I describe what I went through during my ecstatic moments having sex with another. He said it, I wrote it.

[agreatguy 269]

venusshaw said:

As a woman, I don't know why, but this is what my husband said, when he gently persuaded me to become a swinger. He thinks as primates, we are instinctively polygamous. But, man has made this world into a monogamous world, to protect himself from the fact that if women slept with many men, he may be, will be bringing up someone else's child. Also, women are sexually stronger - they can have multiple orgasms yo man's one per session, they take longer to reach orgasm, man could be done in minutes. Evolution wise, sex for man was a release of tension. For the woman, it was to find the fittest man (brain and brawn) for procreation, so that her offspring will survive and thrive. She therefore had to sleep with many before she found her man.

 

When man became the stronger of the two, he put a stop to this and caged the woman in the house, so that she could be stopped from all proclivity for sex. He used religion, male god and other means to put fear into women that they are bad if they as much as like, touch or want sex. For a large period of time, ending with the Victorian age, she was to open her legs and numbly take it for getting pregnant.

 

All this has changed now. Man is no more the master of women. Man has no fear of the woman getting pregnant, and if she does and wants to keep the child then the paternity can easily be determined.

 

Once the war between Venus and Mars was resolved, man realized that his woman is more sensual and is more sexually active if her polygamous nature is allowed to explore, expand and explode. I can vouch for it, that our relationship was greater before I started swinging, but now it is on a different plane altogether. I see no jealousy, no envy, pure bliss on his face and body when I have an orgasm with another man, suck and fuck. Many times our hottest sex is when I describe what I went through during my ecstatic moments having sex with another. He said it, I wrote it.

 

That's pretty deep and I think there is certainly some truth in it both evolutionary and culturally.

 

For me, If I am honest about the appeal at the shallowest of levels, I simply like knowing another guy finds my wife attractive. Call it a validation or whatever. Guys have trophy wives. I like to share mine. She likes it too and therefor it is a validation for both of us as to her sex appeal...again, shallow as that may be.

[venusshaw 123]

agreatguy said:

That's pretty deep and I think there is certainly some truth in it both evolutionary and culturally.

 

For me, If I am honest about the appeal at the shallowest of levels, I simply like knowing another guy finds my wife attractive. Call it a validation or whatever. Guys have trophy wives. I like to share mine. She likes it too and therefor it is a validation for both of us as to her sex appeal...again, shallow as that may be.

 

Perfect. My husband completely agrees. Nothing shallow about it. He always takes me after I have finished with my visitors, because I am not satisfies until my pussy is semened. While fucking me last, he tells all of them that they must be envious of him because they have me for one or may be a couple of times, but Venus is his forever and takes great pride in that.