Boundaries: How did you determine them and were they easy to keep to once set?

[Teton69 32]

Sorry if this has been posted before but the husband and I just finished reading "The Swinger Manual" and the part on boundaries caused a ton of great discussion between us. As the wife part of this couple I'm curious how other folks determined what their boundaries were, how easy were they to keep to them, and did they help when you were new to the lifestyle?

 

For us after much discussion we find that it would take some of the fun away from any experiences we might have with swinging if we had a ton of rules or boundaries that we would need to worry about in the heat of the moment. Does that make sense? Really all hypothetical for us at the moment since we haven't had the chance to jump into the LS yet but my brain is trying to wrap itself around what rules are common etc, if they work or don't work for other couples, and any pitfalls to look out for. Ok so maybe my brain has too many questions.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I think that having a set of rules makes a lot of sense, at least in the beginning. That said, I also think that a long list of rules can be kind of a turn-off sometimes.

 

Couples set rules based in part on anticipating what kinds of activities might make them feel uncomfortable. If having a set of rules helps both parties in a couple to feel secure that they will not be hurt by anything they or their SO does, then I'm all for it- especially if it heads off heat-of-the-moment decisions that end up causing hurt feelings later on. The initial set of rules that a couple has should be based on a good conversation about comfort levels, and it seems to me that any activity that would make either partner uncomfortable or unhappy should be limited by some kind of rule. For example, if the male feels pretty certain that he would be OK with a full swap, but the female thinks she would react badly to seeing their partner fucking another woman, then there should be a "no full swap" rule- at least initially. Then, depending on how both parties feel after an encounter, they might choose to amend or drop some rules.

 

The rules that a couple sets are really just a by-product of good communication. A couple that both know, understand, and accept their own (and each others') limits will have more fun and be more comfortable in the trusting environment they have created for each other. And once the trust level is established, using an initial set of rules as a foundation, it's possible that it can be maintained as the rules relax a bit.

 

In the case of Mrs. CoupleInMD79 and I, we have been married for 20 years, and friends for 35, so we are pretty comfortable with each other. We started with a very few rules- same room only, and condom use always for intercourse (BTW, I'd bet that these are the two most popular rules for lifestyle couples). But after a few play dates, we both felt comfortable enough to relax those rules, in certain situations where we were certain that our SO would not have a problem. So when a situation arose at a house party where my play partner asked to move to a different room (mainly to find a comfortable spot!), I did a quick check-in with the Mrs. to make sure she was OK with me moving to a different room, and off I went. We both were comfortable enough to know that it would be OK with each of us, and we had previously talked about the advantages of playing in different rooms.

 

I mentioned that a long list of rules can be a turn-off for some couples. I think that is because some would see a lot of rules as a potential minefield of disallowed activities that spoils the spontaneity of a fun encounter, that puts people too much in their own heads, and not enough in their glands! Some may see a lot of rules as a sign of a couple that is being so careful that they may not quite be ready to have an uninhibited play experience.

 

Anyway, that's my $0.02. What kinds of rules have you and your SO discussed? Any that you disagree about?

 

CoupleInMD79

[Glida 250]

The rules you make now will probably not be the same rules you have in the future. The game changes with experience and communication and we change with it.

There may also be rules that you impliment later that haven't occured to you yet.

 

Rules are not set in stone, you can change, amend and examine them whenever you like...or not! I do agree with coupleInMD79 in that two many rules can spoil the spontaneity of a fun encounter.

 

When we first started out in this LS, I seemed to have written a whole book outlining a long list of what our limitations and acceptences were.

 

Now We have two rules

#1 No means no...it doesn't matter, who, when, where, why, how. No is no.

#2 Always together.

 

In the beginning the list wasn't this short

[Tahoecple 319]

You already have some great advice, and I cannot add much to what you have already told, in the preceding posts. I will say that most rules we have run across were hiding some form of fear or insecurity from one or both members of that couple.

 

Most things you would consider making into a rule should really enter into the “discussion” couples should have before entering into this kind of activity. In our case, or at least in my case, I found the “discussion” more of a bedroom-based conversation far more than dinner conversation. It is much easier to talk to your spouse about what turns you on, and what you are concerned about in regards to the lifestyle while you are having sex with your partner.

 

For us we always rather looked at this thing as more of a treasure hunt than trying to live out a given scenario. We would go to a party or meet couples with no set expectations and lots of anticipation. It was a lot like going to a restaurant knowing you were hungry but waiting to see the menu before deciding what you were going to have.

 

The one set rule we had was that Mrs. Tahoe always took the lead into the evening’s activities. That is if she was comfortable with it, if she was ready to take things to the next level, then and only then would we proceed.

 

Sex should be fun, it should be exciting, it should be exhilarating, and most of all it should be spontaneous. If you are more concerned about you or your spouse breaking a rule, than enjoying yourself, this may not be for you.

 

Keep any rules you set simple. For instance, we both agree on a new couple or it’s a no go, we don’t take one for the team. Open and honest communication beforehand will eliminate the need for most “rules.” Remember you are in this for the fun of it, enjoy new experiences and letting go of some of your inhibitions. If you’re not into something don’t do it, if something new intrigues you try it.

[Guest]

I agree with some of the earlier remarks. Rules, boundaries are something you both set early on so you both feel secure. We have been "swinging" for several years and most of the rules have either been broken or disappeared. Some are waived for particular people. The unspoken premise seems to be that he who wanted the rule gets to waive or break the rule. For example, when we first started, one rule was always condoms, vaginal or oral. But, our first time was an MFM, someone we knew, a business executive with a family, very health conscious. How silly for me to require him to wear a condom I thought, so I didn't. But, with guys we meet at a club or elsewhere, I require one for vaginal sex; unfortunately with oral, as hubby says, I'm like a bass with a worm, get it in front of me and I suck it right in with little thought. Another one of my rules, nothing with other girls, I'm just not into them. Hubby encouraged a more tolerant position but "no", absolutely not, it's just not be. But, then at Desires, I kissed a girl and liked it. And then, I found that other women doing me was perhaps less about me reciprocating and possible more about them turning on their husbands so the boundary moved a bit. So, after several years, the two hard and fast rules are like Gilda's, no means no, always together, and no facial cum shots.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

But, then at Desires, I kissed a girl and liked it.

We just returned from a trip to Desire! That place seems to encourage folks to decide to bend their rules, doesn't it:) ? The Mrs. had not touched any females "below the Mason-Dixon Line" before, and during our trip last week she made a conscious decision to give it a try with a couple we were going to play with. So that rule of hers was set aside, at least for the occasion. Turns out that she enjoyed herself (and it was really hot to watch!)- but she is not quite ready to call herself bi-anything just yet. That is an example of a situationally-flexible rule, and one that she can feel free to enforce or bend as the situation warrants.

 

CoupleInMD79

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I think the important thing is you've had this conversation. If afterwards your rule list isn't a mile long and takes two minutes to mentally run through, then that's a good thing. But, having explored it in depth you have a better feel for where each other is coming from. Not that you are going to maintain and enforce that huge list of situational specifics, which causes more harm than good I think since it just causes anxiety and stress, but now you know where potential pitfalls are at with each other. Some things, full speed ahead. Others, good idea to check with him/her first. And others still, already know he/she isn't interested or is opposed, so just skip by that particular situation.

 

We didn't start off with a lot of rules, but there were some, and like others have said, over time they have all mostly dropped by the wayside. That comes with trust and experience though. The more comfortable and in sync you get with each other, then the less need for stated specific rules.

[Teton69 32]

And this is why I have loved the forum boards so far. You guys are so polite and understanding of newbie questions that you have probably heard of a thousand times before.

 

For us we always rather looked at this thing as more of a treasure hunt than trying to live out a given scenario. We would go to a party or meet couples with no set expectations and lots of anticipation. It was a lot like going to a restaurant knowing you were hungry but waiting to see the menu before deciding what you were going to have.

 

This made me giggle because it described what I was trying to say the other night to the husband. I like this idea of freedom.

 

Thanks everyone for all your great comments. This helps me understand that the rules can and will probably change as we actually adventure into it but this calms some things down in my brain.

 

What kinds of rules have you and your SO discussed?

 

As for our boundaries so far we came up with:

 

1. No means no

2. same room for now

3. safe sex required for vaginal intercourse

4. For him no bi activity since he is super straight.

 

All the comments made me realize we are pretty much in tune of what would work for us so far so that is a good thing! Thanks again for all the helpful comments. It gets a tad overwhelming reading all the past posts on the board so I figured I would throw my thoughts out there because sometimes it just helps to express it.

[GoldCoCouple 4,070]

When we started, we had a book of rules. As we progressed, most of these rules dropped by the wayside, but still they were important when we started. Mostly, they were 'comfort levels' for the other person until they found out that that they were comfortable with the situation. They helped establish boundaries and trust between the two of us. Now we only have a few rules left with the most important one being: We move at the pace of the slowest person. If someone says no then it means no for everyone involved (with no repercussions or explanations necessary). If the two of you are good with very few rules, then go for it (as long as you are SURE that the other person isn't holding out or just keeping quiet). Good luck and have fun!

[Alura 2,777]

My late wife and I had only one rule, that we wouldn't try to "make love" with anybody else. It was an easy rule to keep since we didn't love anybody else. The sexual acts we performed with playmates weren't physically much different from those we did together, except for the emotional aspect. With playmates, sex was fun, excitement, laughing, joking, being outrageous (Mrs. Alura's specialty). Swinging opened up a world of fun that we couldn't achieve with each other because we always felt the need to express love. For instance, we didn't do "doggy style" together because we couldn't seem to blend our minds. Doggy became something she looked forward to with a playmate who could mindlessly pound her at length and cause multiple orgasms. I had no trouble doing doggy with another woman. Go figure...

[Glida 250]

My late wife and I had only one rule, that we wouldn't try to "make love" with anybody else.

 

You just reminded me of something... When me and Mr G 'make love' we always say to each other afterwards 'we can't share this with other people, this is ours!'. Each couple have their own 'thing' when they are alone together assuming that they are in love...

 

We have a sadomasochistic side in our love making, Fisting (vaginal and anal), toys and humiliation mainly which we love together but it's something that we don't take into the scene with us. I don't know as it's a rule but just something we keep for ourselves and don't share with people we play with. It doesn't feel like a rule and like something we have to be conscious of, it just feels right and obvious to both of us.

 

BDSM, D/s couples contact us and say that they're looking for x,y,z but we always say 'No thanks, we're not looking for that'.

[Tahoecple 319]

Another thing to keep in mind when you talk about rules is half the fun of any rule is the opportunity to break it. One of the enticements in this lifestyle is the fact you get to break the social rules against it. Also, remember that the biggest fights in relationships are over minor little things, or misunderstandings. If you guys would like to see what I’m talking about just smile at your wife and tell her she sure has a “phat ass” (defined in the urban dictionary as, pretty hot and tempting) she will think you said she has a “fat ass” and it won’t be long at all until she has a piece of your ass. If you set a rule against an activity because of your preference about something that your mate enjoys, they go along with it for you, and one night in the heat of passion, you break that rule, you are going to hear about it guarantied.

[Formybubu 56]

When we started we had a lot of the same rules.(The no means no is a Universal mandatory rule for all) We then had Club Rules and House party Rules. Now after 13 years enjoying the Lifestyle we only have one personal rule.

We go home together. We have learned to enjoy all the Lifestyle has to offer, but at the end of the night(mornng) we go home together.

[padoc 1,704]

Like many of you here, we had a lot of rules when we started in 2003. Many of them were a result of inexperience and uncertainty as to just how much of swinging we wanted to explore. As we progressed, our rules became more flexible and eventually devolved to three:

1. Same room (flexible though based on our comfort level with the couple)

2. No anal (he's arrow straight.... we are still hoping to try a d/p for her)

3. Leave her feet alone.

 

We otherwise go with the flow and generally play situationally, based on the comfort level of the least comfortable among us.

[Teton69 32]

I'm impressed with the variety of rules everyone has with swinging. I know there are certain things we enjoy doing as a couple and I personally would like to keep between the two of us but the rest is pretty open. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. This helps our discussion along in hopes that when we do take the plunge it will be fun for both of us.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

It was always a free for all for us. Sometimes things would happen that we never imagined or expected, planned for or discussed. We never had an experience that we regretted. The surprises were exciting and kept us doing it again and again. We all have our limits on how far we'll go. When you have too many restrictions you are setting yourself up for a not very enjoyable experience for all of you.