Polyamory dating - need help with finding people online

[polyamorous 15]

I am an engaged male in a very happy and healthy relationship. Recently, my fiancee brought up the idea of polyamory and had someone specific in mind. I said ok with a very strict set of rules to begin with as I get comfortable with the idea.

 

I am 35, consider myself to be handsome, athletic, intelligent, eat very healthy, take care of my body, good hygiene, profession career, nice guy, likeable person and have a great smile. I have been looking for a woman to date for myself on various dating websites. I let women know that I am in an open relationship, that I am looking for a friend to go on dates with and hang out. So far my experience has been extremely poor. I've sent out ~300 messages in the past two months and estimate the following, 80% no response, 15% spam/robots, 4% hookers and

 

My fiancee is 25, gorgeous, athletic, eats very healthy, intelligent, outgoing with a great personality, etc. Her experience, on the other hand, has been the complete opposite. She doesn't even have to send out any messages, she gets flooded with messages from both males and females. She has a large amount of people to choose from and the flexibility of being picky with her choices.

 

She has been very supportive and patient of me with this new open relationship adventure. She has even helped picked out my pictures and wrote my dating profile page. However, I am getting frustrated with the lack of responses and this isn't enjoyable at all for me. I am hoping to get some feedback from both men and women here. From the men, are you having similar experiences? From the women, what are women thinking? Are single women completely turned off by men in an open relationship? Are women only looking for serious relationships leading to marriage? What am I doing wrong?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

First, I see that you are a new members of Swingersboard. So I want to extend a warm welcome.

 

 

Second, I have never been in any kind of polyamorous relationship so I cannot say that I understand much about such relationships. There are two people in particular, a man and a woman, whom my wife and I see frequently and with whom we both feel really close. But neither they not we ever describe our relationship as polyamorous. Perhaps we simply do not understand the definition. But I have a sense for this. A polyamorous relationship is something into which you fall; it's something that finds you rather than something you find; it's not something for which you advertise, "I want to find two people with whom my significant other and I can can become attached emotionally and intimately within the context of a four-way living arrangement."

 

Maybe some of the actually poly people of this esteemed Web site can tell me if I am wrong here.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Welcome to the Swingers Board!

 

We're not seeking out poly relationships online, so no direct experience to use to try to help you with, but we do seek out other swingers online and I think that's similar enough to make a few observations.

 

The online world is full of fakes and flakes. Having to sort through them just comes with the territory. There are things you can do to minimize the number you have to deal with by how you write your profile, etc., but there's no getting around it, you are going to have to weed through fakes and flakes to find the real people. In the swinging world, one way to avoid that is to take what I call the "to find swingers, go where the swingers go" approach and attend meet and greets, clubs, etc. That doesn't automatically mean you are going to find someone compatible, but at least you know that at a swingers club, the person in front of you is real and has at least some level of interest in swinging. Maybe see if you can find poly groups that hold social events near your area? Just like swinging, not like you are going to walk in the door and immediately find someone, but at least you know you are fishing in the right ocean.

 

Another similarity to swinging is single male = dime a dozen, with plenty of cheaters or guys just looking to get a quick lay making up that dozen. You have got to set yourself apart from the crowd somehow, and understand and accept that you are carrying the baggage of the reputation that single males have even if you are not like that yourself. It's tough, and it's not fair to judge one by the rest, but it's reality.

 

Finally, there is just the basic he'ing and she'ing of it all. Go to any bar, sit in a dark corner, and count how often a single guy gets approached by women vs how often a single female gets approached by guys. Not even close.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I think part of your problem is that you're feeling "competitive" with your fiancee. She can find people easily and you can't. You don't feel that's fair, and frankly it's not. But life isn't fair (and anyone who says otherwise is selling something). You have to give up even the idea you can find someone just because she can. In fact, you should probably give up the idea that you *should* find someone just because she has. If you want to date someone, do it because you've met someone you want to date not because you feel the need to "keep up" with your fiancee. Trying to "keep up" will just lead to frustration, resentment, pain and ultimately serious relationship issues.

 

I think you'd be better off examining what you really feel in all this. Are you really OK with your fiancee seeing someone else, knowing that you aren't and won't be seeing someone else? If so, relax and be OK with it. If not then you really, seriously need to talk to her, right now.