"Quality" swingers more likely to be interested in polyamory?

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I had a thought run through my mind tonight as I read a comment about "quality" versus "quantity". For those swingers who prefer "quality" over "quantity", are you more open to a possible poly situation in the future? As I see it, the more connection we have with others, emotionally and mentally, the more likely we are to being open to poly whereas those who want "quantity" don't want that connection and actually prefer there to be no other connection other than superficial attraction. Or am I on the wrong track?

[Tia Vampire 167]

For me, quality means that a couple and I are looking for the same thing in the lifestyle in order to hook up. We take the time to make sure that quality is there before taking it to the bedroom. I enjoy couple that are kinky or enjoy adding BDSM along with their swinging experience. If a couple is not what I call kinky or of quality, I rather just be hang out buddies and not FWB.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

I will say that my foray into what I'm calling polyamory was based on a "quality over quantity" metric. I wanted a connection, a friendship and the possibility of more than a one time fling. I got it with someone who calls what she does polyamory rather than swinging.

 

I confess, for me, the line between the two concepts is blurry. The hard and fast distinction that poly is about emotional bonds and swinging is about casual, no-strings-attached sex isn't so hard and fast in reality. My "poly" relationship is pretty much a friendship with casual sex, while I know more than a few self-defined swingers who only swap within a small group of friends. Meanwhile, in my experience, the basis of a successful poly relationship is openness, honest and communication, just the same as the basis a successful swinging relationship. The more I learn about both "worlds" the more I see similarities rather than differences.

[SoFlaCouple 188]

Personally, we prefer a large quantity of quality.

[asncpl 730]

I am definitely in the quality pile. While we do meet new swingers, we have a group of regulars that we play with. I find it to be less stressful and more fun because we already know each other. Lionheart72 puts it nicely that they are really friendship with casual sex.

 

As I found out recently, the catch is that this type of quality swingers requires some non-sexual connection, which I am happy to make. It certainly leaves open the possibility, or vulnerability depending on how you look at it, for a poly relationship. We have been seeing a guy regularly for threesomes. We get along like good friends, and with Mr. A being busy with work-related travel lately, I have been playing with him by myself a lot more, with Mr. A's permission. I actually think I am more compatible with him sexually than with Mr. A. So when Mr. A tells me we are going out of town for a 2-week break, I think how I would miss having sex with the guy. Perhaps it's simply a sexual attraction. He is great at setting up fantasy and situations that get me super excited sexually, but I can't help but think there is a budding emotion component. This is just a long way of saying I think Sun is on the right track.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

I actually think I am more compatible with him sexually than with Mr. A.

 

I hate to risk derailing this thread, but I'm really glad to hear someone else saying something like this. I also think I'm more sexually compatible with my friend-with-benefits than with my wife... which isn't anything negative against my wife or our sex life. It's just different.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Lionheart72 said:

I hate to risk derailing this thread, but I'm really glad to hear someone else saying something like this. I also think I'm more sexually compatible with my friend-with-benefits than with my wife... which isn't anything negative against my wife or our sex life. It's just different.

 

Your wish is my command...no need to worry about any derailing.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

sunbuckus, thanks for the other thread. Over on said other thread, SW_PA_Couple said the following, which got me thinking about the quality vs quantity issue again...

 

In my head, there is no panel of judges who watch me while I am having sex the hold up little cards with numbers to make a compatibility score. Each sex partner has a different set of buttons that they push. There is no good way to make an accurate comparison.

 

I've said a few times that sex with other while swinging isn't better (or worse) than sex with your spouse, it's just different. I see that same idea in SW_PA_Couple's statement above. So how does that relate to the idea of "Quality" and asncpl's and my own experience of "compatibility?"

 

Thinking about my own experiences... when I've had casual swinging sex with another woman, it's been good sex. Erogenous zones are stimulated, tab A is inserted into slot B (or various as applicable), orgasms are had, everyone says thanks and goes on their merry way. It's fun. It's wild. It's hot. It's good sex.

 

The first time I had sex with my FWB, neither of us had actually decided that we were actually going to have sex. We got together. We talked. We danced. We flirted. Eventually, we decided to head back to a room with a bed, and she kissed me... shyly (and she is not a shy person). Later she said she had wanted to kiss me on the dance floor, but she hadn't because she'd wanted it to be just between us. We spent that night exploring each other. Oh sure, erogenous zones were stimulated, tab A was inserted into slot B, orgasms were had, but the Quality of the experience was markedly different.

 

Later, because there was a later, there was another time, we talked about what we enjoyed sexually. What our interests, our desires, our "kinks" were. We learned about each other and it made our sex even better. By having that discussion, by exploring each other slowly and enjoying each other, we made an active effort to focus on the Quality of our sex. Therefore, our sex is great.

 

I think that having that discussion, having the desire to have it and to give it that time and energy and consideration, goes hand in hand with having an emotional bond. We're friends who have sex together. Because we're friends, we care about each other and about having our sexual encounters be mutually enjoyable. Because we put the effort into getting to know each other better sexually, we've become better friends.

 

The effort that goes into quality sex feeds an emotional bond, which shifts is from the realm of no-strings-attached, fuck-a-stranger-and-move-on, swinging into the emotional realm of polyamory (though I still think the line between swinging and poly is not that hard and fast).

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Neither of us want to have sex with anyone that we (under normal circumstances) wouldn't want to have sex with.

 

In my case, there's still a lot of debris left over from a very religious upbringing. If I'm going to have sex with someone, it has to be someone I at least LIKE. We both only have a small group of very close friends and, at some point, figured it would be fun and exciting if we could also be naked with those same friends...well, how cool is that! So we look for other couples that we ENJOY spending time with...intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Being naked just makes it that more enjoyable and anything else from there is just gravy. We also fear looking back and realizing 'I did what with HIM/HER?!!!....Euuuuu!'. IF we wouldn't enjoy running across someone or another couple by chance in public, we wouldn't want to do anything with them in private.

 

So, to answer the question...we look for friends first. Benefits are just a (huge and exciting) bonus. We aren't looking to be poly, but we have discussed with one other couple what would happen if something did happen to any one of us (we would take the other in for as long as was needed and make sure they were taken care of). Not much of an answer now that I read it. Hows this: poly, not now, but everything short of that is a yes.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

As I see it, the more connection we have with others, emotionally and mentally, the more likely we are to being open to poly

 

My wife and I have had our best experiences when she has made some sort of an emotional or mental bond with someone. I have a general idea of what type of man she is attracted to and I search for those types of men. She tries to hide her desire to be with him again if she has had a good experience with him but I know my wife and I can tell. I'm open to her having a poly relationship because I love her and want her to be happy.

 

She has a habit of falling in love with a man who can make a physical or mental, usually physical, connection with her and I love watching her "falling in love" with him.

[Guest Ready2dewit]

I will say that my foray into what I'm calling polyamory was based on a "quality over quantity" metric. I wanted a connection, a friendship and the possibility of more than a one time fling. I got it with someone who calls what she does polyamory rather than swinging.

 

I confess, for me, the line between the two concepts is blurry. The hard and fast distinction that poly is about emotional bonds and swinging is about casual, no-strings-attached sex isn't so hard and fast in reality. My "poly" relationship is pretty much a friendship with casual sex, while I know more than a few self-defined swingers who only swap within a small group of friends. Meanwhile, in my experience, the basis of a successful poly relationship is openness, honest and communication, just the same as the basis a successful swinging relationship. The more I learn about both "worlds" the more I see similarities rather than differences.

 

Wholeheartedly agree with the "blurred lines" thing.....I've known couples who have known and played with each other for years, and call it swinging. You could take the same identical couple and have them decide to be poly and the shoe still fits. I think some people use the term "poly" only because they find the term "swinging" tacky......as has been discussed on other posts.

 

I always make a smart ass comment that polyamory is what people under 35 or so call swinging, or that poly is swinging for the Star Wars generation

[B Bull 18]

I know my wife sees men she has known for more than ten years. I suppose she likes the sex, and wanting to be desired. Is she in love with these guys?

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I know my wife sees men she has known for more than ten years. I suppose she likes the sex, and wanting to be desired. Is she in love with these guys?

 

You would have to ask her. Swinging (and probably her profession) is about separating love from sex.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Even if she loves them, she obviously loves you more since she continues to come home to you. At the same time, I don't think she does. She enjoys the sex and the freedom to pursue it.