Can you approach a couple in a vanilla setting to swing?

[Our1stime4play 16]

We are very interested in starting in the lifestyle but we are also very nervious about meeting people! Oir question is this, is there something we can do or say to let a swing couple know that we might seam to be vanilla but if you break the first move we might be interested? I hope that made sense! Lol

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I'm not sure what scenario you are picturing. You can't tell someone, "Come on to me and maybe I'll be interested." First you should find someone you are interested in.

 

Do you mean meeting random people not in a swing environment? If yes, this can be difficult and you will probably have to make the first move. You can do this by getting to know someone and then if you think there might be chemistry, say something like, "Have you ever heard of swinging? What are your feelings about that?"

 

If you meet someone in a swing environment (club, party, meet and greet) generally it is assumed that you are interested in swinging unless you say otherwise. Most people who swing look and act like the couple next door until they are acting slutty. You can flirt and act interested. Do this for awhile to see if there is a sexual connection between the four of you. Tell them you are new and not sure how the whole thing works. Ask what they are looking for and what their rules are. If they are interested they should actively participate in the conversation and ask you what you are looking for and your rules. If you want to play you could say something like, "We've talked about it a lot and we're looking to play tonight." Personally, I'd just go all the way and ask that couple to play, but probably if they are experienced they might ask you first.

 

I hope this helps, if you could clarify your question a little that might help us give you advice.

[GoldCoCouple 4,063]

There are three good ways to meet people (if you are looking to meet 'swingers'): Sign up on an online site, create a profile and start looking (2): Find a meet and greet and attend and (3) go to a swingers club. Signing up for a site is the easiest and most anonymous (although you REALLY need pictures, but you can edit your faces out). A meet and greet or a club is a little more daring, but you will find that as Funcouple has already said, most swingers are just like you probably are. Nobody will do anything without asking permission. If you read some of the information you can find here, you will quickly realize that. The HARDEST and most uncomfortable part is getting out of the car and walking up to the door. After that, anything that you do (or don't do) is all up to the two of you. We REALLY ARE JUST like you are (or at least most of us were at some point).

 

Before you do anything, however, you both need to TALK (open no holds barred talk). Decide what you are looking for (MFM, FMF, couples, whatever), decide what your rules and limits are, take a deep breath and THEN decide to either sign up on line, attend a meet, or visit a club.

 

Good luck and have fun. Even vanilla can taste good...but it tastes better with some sprinkles or chocolate sauce added occasionally.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

Most swingers are pretty good at picking up on things. I don't say that to be suggesting you should be coy or leaving it totally up to them to try to discern what your intentions are, but just that if they are interested in you, they will probably give you something to work with to help break the ice and bring up the $10,000 question yourselves, assuming they just don't do it for you before you have worked yourself up to it. Most people, if they can tell a couple are in it for the right reasons, but are just new and unsure, will tread a little more slowly and help you work through the preliminaries without it coming off as pushy or overbearing.

[Our1stime4play 16]

We have been reading a lot of swing stories on other sites where an experienced couple meet a couple someplace ( next door neighbors, store, ect. ) and they make an invite to the vanilla. We both find this idea very ExCiting! The thought of someone trying to pick us up! Anyways, just wondering if there was something experienced couples look for! Thanks for the help and sorry for not being very clear!

[Lionheart72 2,189]

We have been reading a lot of swing stories on other sites where an experienced couple meet a couple someplace ( next door neighbors, store, ect. ) and they make an invite to the vanilla. We both find this idea very ExCiting! The thought of someone trying to pick us up! Anyways, just wondering if there was something experienced couples look for! Thanks for the help and sorry for not being very clear!

 

The thing about stories like that, is they are usually fiction. Having walked into a swingers club and found myself face to face with a couple we knew from vanilla life, having hung around with another couple for literally years only to find their profiles on a Lifestyle website, I can honest say that in my experience, there are no secret signs or hidden signals by which swingers recognize each other, much less vanilla couples who might be interested. I'm not saying it can't happen, but it's not the norm.

 

In my experience, you actually have to dip you toes in the water because someone will ask you to swim.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

We have been reading a lot of swing stories on other sites where an experienced couple meet a couple someplace ( next door neighbors, store, ect. ) and they make an invite to the vanilla. We both find this idea very ExCiting! The thought of someone trying to pick us up! Anyways, just wondering if there was something experienced couples look for! Thanks for the help and sorry for not being very clear!

 

I would be willing to bet most of these are fictional accounts. We know hundreds of swinging couples and none got started in this manner. We know a few people who like to try to pick up vanillas, but usually they are picking up singles and not couples. We only pick up people we know have talked it through and we feel are not going to cause drama or be hurt by the experience.

 

Next door neighbors, co-workers, friends, etc can be risky propositions. You don't know if your friendship is going to be damaged, someone will get over attached, someone will get jealous.

 

I really feel it's better to leave those scenarios to the imagination.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

We have been reading a lot of swing stories on other sites where an experienced couple meet a couple someplace ( next door neighbors, store, ect. ) and they make an invite to the vanilla. We both find this idea very ExCiting! The thought of someone trying to pick us up! Anyways, just wondering if there was something experienced couples look for! Thanks for the help and sorry for not being very clear!

 

Hi, Our1stime4play and welcome to the forum! You've gotten some great information and advice from the other members who have responded already. I just wanted to reply to the notion of being picked up by a swinger couple in a vanilla environment. I think this sort of fantasy is very, very, very rare in real life. For one, the majority of swingers value discretion and won't really want to "out themselves" in this fashion when the risk is too high. Second, there isn't any secret sign, handshake, jewelry, house decorations, etc. (like Lionheart said) that will separate swingers from non-swingers. Third, for some swingers, they actually prefer to swing with couples who have taken the time to think, communicate with their partner, think again, research, communicate, and much more communication about their thoughts, fears, desires, boundaries when it comes to swinging. Many level-headed swingers don't want to involve themselves in a situation that can become dramatic--which can come from many types of couples and situations--but the most likely are new couples who are interested in swinging who haven't put in the level of thoughtfulness and communication. Picking up couples who "seem vanilla" seems ripe for drama.

 

Now, there are swinger couples out there that do pick up "vanilla couples". Maybe they have that rare gift of swing-dar for vanilla couples. Maybe they like the thrill of picking up couples in an organic situation. Maybe they just like to be sexually free in that manner. However, in my humble opinion, it just poses too much risk--for both us and the other couple--to engage in this type of scenario. See, the swinger community is a very, very, very small subset of the population. Picking out a potential swinger couple among the general population at random, who we are physically attracted to and they to us must be a shot in the millions. Why would we want to gamble on that when we could just attend a swinger party/club/meet and greet and know that the people attending are at least interested in swinging? The odds increase dramatically that we will find someone to connect with through that means.

 

But the main risk that we don't want to take is to pick up a vanilla couple who might be interested, swap with them, and then they react horrifically the next morning full of regret. They have not had the time to fully comprehend how the situation could affect their relationship. For the majority of our society, being in a committed relationship equal monogamy. Imagine waking up the next morning feeling like you cheated on your spouse. They haven't had the necessary time to really think about what it means to be in a committed relationship, what sex and love mean and their dis/connection to one another. All they an focus on is that they have done something wrong. They might end up arguing, fighting, and/or breaking up their relationship because of this one act that they weren't emotionally and relationship-ly prepared for. We don't want to even think about how we could be a part of that directly.

 

So, sadly, this might be a fantasy that might stay one. The closest you might come to it is through role-playing with another couple who is comfortable doing that with you two.

[intuition897 2,179]

I would really strongly suggest that you don't let yourself get involved with anyone that you have to deal with in your day-to-day vanilla life. If things go badly swinging with your neighbours, you have to live next door to them! Or what about getting involved with a co-worker or - God forbid - your boss? Are you willing to sweat bullets when you find out that they might not be able to keep their big mouth shut? Might want to polish up that resume. And close friends are another bad idea. This might seem counter-intuitive, but again, if things go badly, you might lose a valued friendship over something as stupid as sex. Trust me, it's NOT worth the heartache.

 

So what's a vanilla couple to do? I'd suggest trying a club in your area. Oh. You're in Alaska. Well...it's damn cold up there and you never know, those might be the right conditions for swingers seeking body heat. For all I know, Alaska is teeming with swingers clubs. I don't know if clubs would be your thing or not; it sounds like you like the idea of it being completely spontaneous. This is mostly fantasy, and rarely really happens. Just try going to a club and seeing what swingers "look" like or act like. Talk to them and let them know you're just there because you're curious. Most clubs are very friendly this way. If you make it clear that you're vanilla but open-minded, I'm sure there will be no shortage of couples talking you up.

[Our1stime4play 16]

Thank you so very much for all the advice. You have no idea what this means to us to have this kind of response! Thank you again!

[GoldCoCouple 4,063]

"You can't learn to swim if you never get into the water"

 

Same applies here. Ms. Gold first tried swinging when she was married to her ex with another couple they were close friends with. The four of them used to get together (as vanilla friends) ALL of the time. They had a hot tub and would do what most couples do in a hot tub...talk and have some wine. After awhile (several years), they joked about why they even bothered with swimming suits. After enough wine, those eventually disappeared. One step led to the other and next thing you know, they were swingers...but not for very long. The other husband fell in 'love' (NRE) with Ms. Gold and told her that he was willing to leave his wife for her. Ms. Gold and her husband were not on very firm ground with their relationship and he took this as a sign that he could try to find more couples who were interested (actually read: he could fool around with other women). In the end, their relationship ended in divorce and the other couple ALMOST ended in divorce (he still fools around but she is willing to ignore it for appearances). Ms. Gold lost her closest friend because everyone knew that he was willing to leave her for Ms. Gold. All in all:

 

 

I was amazed that Ms. Gold was even interested in trying swinging again. Instead of taking friends and trying to 'convert' them, we decided to find other couples already interested in swinging and try to make friends of them (this works MUCH better). The other couple has ALREADY made the decision to try swinging and had the trust, love and communication needed to be successful in this. While it took some time to find the 'right' couple, we eventually did find one...and it's AMAZING! Nothing like doing things...wine tasting, concerts, day trips, weekend trips, etc., with another couple you enjoy spending time with and then watching them take off their cloths...

 

Stories are just...stories. If you want to do some research (especially since you are in Alaska), try doing a search on Eskimo (specifically the Inuits) and swinging. Even the Wikipedia listing for swinging has information on the Inuit and Aleut tribes and their family practices.

[GoldCoCouple 4,063]

...by the way, once you two 'join the club', you will get your membership pin and we can show you the secret handshake