Dealing with the feelings of a break-up with another couple

[srs.swap 17]

So. Been swinging for a while. Mostly great experiences, a few bad ones, and now this one. Met a couple several months ago and we all jive extremely well. Played many times. Here's the problem. Wife of the other couple and I connect very well. Like old friends/lovers well. My wife loves her too and they also have a connection. We also really like her husband, and have a great relationship with him as well...BUT he is unsure about all of this. Up until this point, they've been more of a hit-it-and-quit-it couple (for about 3 years or so). They recently discussed the situation, and thought they should take a short break to assess all of this.

 

We totally support their need to make sure they're OK with everything going forwards, and see it as essential that all four of us are on the same page going forwards. However, the idea that they might not be OK with being in a relationship with us as a couple and that we wouldn't be able to be friends/lovers is pretty tough for us to handle emotionally. Other than being totally casual in all of our swinging (just not our style), I don't think we can avoid this kind of situation. The question is, while we know the best and only thing we can do is support their need to re-evaluate, and accept whatever decision they come to as a couple, the feelings of uncertainty and worry about their ultimate decision are depressing.

 

Any advice about how to best accept what might ultimately be a break-up without being too devastated about it? We've been together for 17 years, so break-ups aren't exactly in our bag of tricks at this point in our life. Thanks!

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Hi, srs.swap. I don't think there's really any concrete way to "protect" yourself from the feelings you will feel if there is a break-up. However, the best thing about this whole situation is that you will have each other to lean on for emotional support versus being single and having to go through it alone. Just remember that you have each other. And you never know...maybe this other couple will be ready in the future.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It does hurt and takes time to get over.

 

For the situation at hand, I would give them time, if you're not clingy there's a chance they'll come back to play in the future.

 

Personally I think the best thing to do is find other couples your are compatible with and can have fun sex with. Find quite a few. If you have a number of couples you can play with that insulates your feelings a bit if one doesn't work out and you don't get stuck on any one person/couple. I really think that swinging is all about variety and fun. After a situation similar to yours we changed our ways. We got out and met more people. We didn't play with the same people every time we went out, but we do see some of them socially quite often. Now we have a good number of couples that we love to play with but we only play with each every 6 months (or longer). It makes it a special, sexy time when we play, you don't get bored and you don't develop as much of the lovey feelings. We're really happy with the balance of friendship and sex without getting too close.

 

I wish you the best and hope it works out as well as our hurt worked out.

[JandKinBoise 859]

Good luck with this but if it fails, think about how difficult it is to find a compatible mate. I think that having a long term close relationship with another couple is pretty dang rare. If you guys find yourself getting close to a couple, prepare for some heartbreak. What appears to be great in the beginning can turn into a mess when one of the 4 is not in tune. And that seems to always happen. Focus on the great times you had. The above advise is excellent. Spread yourselves out some. The best insulator is space.

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

This is a very interesting thread. As long term marrieds--we are now in our 60's--we've come to understand that people--and their marriage evolve. This is surely to be expected.

 

LS people come with varied expectations. Like you, we are interested in something other than NSA play. As such, relationships with people in the LS run a longer arc. They are affected by what is happening within/between each couple. It seems as if your relationship with the other couple has been strongly affected by what is going on within their relationship. The distress you feel, at least in part, stems from the fact that you value their friendship and company. After all, if you did not, you would have simply walked away.

 

At least one of them needs some breathing space. Grant it. Tell them you will be there when they have thought things through, and whatever decisions they reach are right for them. At the same time, you should not feel constrained. Look around, try on new connections, see how it feels.

 

Life moves on. Cherishing the past does not bind you to that past. Rather, that past simply provides a foundation for many possible futures. That is true within a marriage. It is also true across LS relationships.

 

Good luck.

[srs.swap 17]

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice. All good to read.

 

It's all good. Talking with them a bit more, I think this is just new territory for both couples (us AND them), and we all just want to make sure we get it as right as it can be to minimize possibilities for really screwing things up badly. Getting emotionally involved vs. NSA fun is a bit of a scary proposition, but I think there are rewards that come along with it that can make it worth the risk, or at least, something worth risking some potential pain for. I think we're all going to take it slow and just see where it goes.

 

We feel how we feel about each other. We can choose to disconnect and save potential pain, or we can choose to try to get it right and enjoy the ride. Both marriages are very stable and not going anywhere. No one is looking to replace anyone. I think it's a good start, we just have to make sure everyone's needs are met as much as possible, and no one feels threatened or isn't 100% on board. It's a bit of a paradigm shift for both couples. I think taking it slow and allowing for it to grow organically and being completely truthful and trustworthy with each other should provide a stable base to let that happen. We'll see.

[srs.swap 17]

As it turns out, the husband of our couple was more freaked out than we knew. For the foreseeable, and likely forever, we cannot be intimate again.

 

We're pretty crushed right now. Lessons learned about making sure all 4 people are open to emotional connections vs. NSA relationships. It's very hard when 3/4 are in and open, and the 4th is out.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm really sorry. It sounds like the emotional connection wasn't something you were specifically looking for initially. But, now if that it is what you want, I would suggest that if you are looking for poly relationships rather than swing friendships you look to poly groups and websites. I know there are pot-luck poly meetings in most cities and many people have good luck using OKCupid.com

 

For me the heartache is not worth it and way to prevalent. I prefer not to look for poly, rather enjoy swinging as a fun pursuit while being emotionally monogamous to my husband.

[srs.swap 17]

Yeah it's not something we went looking for, but there was just a very strong connection from the beginning. I don't know if that's something you run from if you feel it and don't want to get attached, or if there's some way to manage it that doesn't lead to such pain.

 

I know that the sex with them was amazing, and I know it was due to the connection. We've been around a bit with several different couples, and this is really the first one where we've hit this level of intimacy with. We were talking and planning all kinds of crazy debauchery that we could never really have experienced had we not been so close.

 

It seems like a catch 22 to us. If you want the crazy no holds barred mind-blowing sex, how do you have that, and not have the connection? We're not sure at this point.

[Guest Ready2dewit]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It does hurt and takes time to get over.

 

For the situation at hand, I would give them time, if you're not clingy there's a chance they'll come back to play in the future.

 

Personally I think the best thing to do is find other couples your are compatible with and can have fun sex with. Find quite a few. If you have a number of couples you can play with that insulates your feelings a bit if one doesn't work out and you don't get stuck on any one person/couple. I really think that swinging is all about variety and fun. After a situation similar to yours we changed our ways. We got out and met more people. We didn't play with the same people every time we went out, but we do see some of them socially quite often. Now we have a good number of couples that we love to play with but we only play with each every 6 months (or longer). It makes it a special, sexy time when we play, you don't get bored and you don't develop as much of the lovey feelings. We're really happy with the balance of friendship and sex without getting too close.

 

I wish you the best and hope it works out as well as our hurt worked out.

 

I agree with the advice to widen your base of contacts.....if you only play with one couple, it is easy to fixate on them when it comes time to have fun. I think we've all been disappointed by people who didn't call us back, dropped out saying they weren't interested in it anymore, etc.....we feel like we are the disappointment. My attitude is to look at each session, each playtime as a wonderful, one-off opportunity and maximize it. If you can repeat it, all the better. But if things don't work out, on to the next one. As a single guy, you have to develop SOME way of dealing with all the rejection!

[srs.swap 17]

We have several couples we play with on a semi regular basis...this couple was just special to us. Both because of the emotional connection and the sex. We'll be OK, it's just really tough right now.

[NotnewNotpros 16]

I am so sorry. I don’t have any advice! Just sorry for you. We had a couple for two years and it was devastating for me when it ended so I can only imagine what 17yrs feels like. I hope you find some peace...