Where has my libido gone?

[Glida 250]

My libido seems to have evaporated into thin air!

 

Where I was once thinking about it all day everyday I am now either in a heap on the sofa in my bed socks emersing myself into some random comedy or busying myself in anything that doesn't require me taking my clothes off.

 

For the last couple of months sex has been stressful and forced. No orgasm required for me, just take what you want and leave my alone have been the thoughts running around my head. I'm 39 years old and have a body to die for but criticize my size 6, 173cm figure everytime I look in the mirror. I'm secretly angry everytime Mr G brings up potential playmates or the idea of doing something saying "I can't promise anything but I don't mind to meet them for drinks!"

 

We've always had an on off relationship with the LS, going through phazes of meeting everyone and anyone to closing our site profile and running away from it for a while. We went to a party this weekend and I wanted to leave after 1/2 hour feeling unconfortable, closed and totally concious of myself. I had originally had the idea for the both of us to go to a vanilla bar, just the two of us and spend the evening together but we changed our plans last minute. I had thought that he probably wouldn't have been into a vanilla evening and would've maybe been bored. Anyway we ended up staying for a few hours at the party once I'd drawned myself in vodka which seemed to take the edge of. we drank, danced and had fun in the end but did I want to have sex when I got home...no!

 

I fear that by not indulging in the lifestyle will cause me and Mr G to drift apart which seems to have been the case. Recently there was a time where Mr G actually said to me that when we're not so active in the LS that things get a little stale between us and that the idea, the ignition, the fantacy and the boast are missing which causes us to go off the boil. It's true that when we opened ourselves to this LS two years ago we were like two teenagers falling in love with eachother all over again. And I get that being married for 14 years with 2 small children and a busy work load for both of us means that some external stimulation is sometimes needed to ignite the passion but that doesn't seem to be working for me either at the moment. I used to be on fire, I used to spend hours preparing, grooming and dressing up for our dates and parties and now I just can't be bothered.

 

I'm rattling my brain trying to establish whether there was a particular event or realization of passed events that have caused me to be cold and fridged and the only thing I can put my finger on is that we don't seem to be on the same page. And when Mr G tells me that when I'm 'on fire' it turns him on beyond belief, I seem to go to a place where I tell myself 'I should turn you on anyway' even in my bed socks! So i find myself in a vicious circle of beleiving that I only turn him on when I'm (fill in the blank) and that belief for some reason makes me feel unloved.

 

Please come back libido...I like it when you're around x

[Lionheart72 2,190]

In my experience libido comes and goes. Might be caused by life events, the turn of the seasons or who knows what, but sometimes we want more and sometimes less. It's not a bad thing unless we make it a bad thing.

 

In this case, if you'll forgive me for saying it, I think either your husband needs a proverbial smack upside the head for not respecting that you aren't interested or you do for not telling him (I can't tell which from your post). All kidding aside though, if you haven't already you need to communicate how you are feeling to him... and he needs to respect that. If you're not interested in swinging, or even in sex, right now than he needs to know that and accept that. And don't let him give you any crap about "his needs." So long as he has a least one working hand, some kleenex and internet access, "his needs" can be dealt with.

 

Meanwhile, I think you need to relax a bit. Wracking your brain and stressing about where your libido has gone is a great way to keep it away. You need to be comfortable with yourself and happy in your relationship, and once you are you'll probably get "it" back.

[john67a 20]

I feel that you are in some sort of mental denial, if you really want to feel and be horny I'm afraid that is a condition that only you can solve, is it possible that you are going through an early menopause?

 

I sincerely hope that you come good, so to speak.

 

Good luck for your future sex life which it seems most important too you, as it is with me.

 

Kind regards, John. xx

 

Ps Stop looking in the mirror and criticizing your body and mind xx

[Sexinthetardis 76]

My libido seems to ebb and flow and while I can't say it's typical for all women, it seems rather common. Hubby says it's the same for him sometimes and his libido is way higher than mine usually. Just mentally so much can get in the way -- being tired, stressed from work, distracted, etc. Even working out, which we agree in theory is great for our sex lives, sometimes makes us feel too exhausted to bother. In the past I believed that I needed to be "in the mood" in order to have sex. Now I find that often if I just get started regardless of my enthusiasm, my body usually catches up and we often start sex feeling rather "blah" and end with "wow that was hot!"

 

Also there are some supplements that may help. I take l-arginine and korean panax ginseng to counteract the effect of birth control pills which seemed to be affecting my sex drive more and more. Helps with blood flow so I get aroused and reach orgasm much easier now.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Glida, first of all, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It's never good for one's esteem when you criticize your own body. I do this all the time and it makes me depressed. But, I've noticed that if I try to focus on the good parts, exercise to increase the endorphins (and at least work on the "bad parts"), it can bring me out of the funk you're feeling.

 

Also, I think a break from swinging is definitely in order. If you (or him) ever feels not up to it, don't do it. Focus on something else. Find a new hobby to do together. Focus on each other and work on the relationship. But most importantly, Mr. G needs to stop pressuring you about swinging and sex. Perhaps you can invite him here to read your post and the responses. I hope he just needs to be reminded that you're more important than swinging and adjust his behavior.

 

As for the libido, I also go through phases. Sometimes I wear Mr. Sun out, sometimes it's regular and we both initiate sex, and at other times, it's not even on my mind. When I feel like my libido isn't quite there, I'll read some erotica to get my engines going--sometimes that works. There are also times when my libido might not be there because I don't feel very close to Mr. Sun due to life's stresses so we try to make time to go out on just-us dates, do a lot of talking, and I will feel close to him again.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . Please come back libido...I like it when you're around x

Not even a movie star like Jennifer Aniston approves of what she sees in a mirror. Try to see yourself as others see you. Accept the flattering remarks, even if you know that they might be insincere. Bask in the flattery and drink it in. If this is something you can gain from "The Lifestyle", than embrace it. Embrace it for your own reasons; not for any reason anybody else gives.

 

 

. . . Recently there was a time where Mr G actually said to me that when we're not so active in the LS that things get a little stale between us and that the idea, the ignition, the fantacy and the boast are missing which causes us to go off the boil.

He's being selfish. Just tell him that. He'll express his true reason for his love, I expect.

[Glida 250]

Hi all

 

In fairness to Mr G, I've been harbouring this secret for the passed few months hoping that it will pass and things will get back to normal. Not wanting to admit that there may be a logical reason like the onset of menopause, which is very possible..the signs are there...scarey ...The poor guy doesn't understand whats going on When I say one thing but do another. During this dry spell we haven't really been active at all in the LS and it was me that changed our plans to go out this weekend thinking that it might ignite some desire from within me....it didn't! However i've fessed up after talking to you nice folks and it's out on the table. like always communication communication communication works it's magic and once we had got passed the 'him thinking it was his fault' I think he understands a little better what I'm dealing with and told me that it's not the dry spells or the low periods that he has a problem with but the dishonesty about how i'm really feeling and the pretence that everything is OK when obviousely it's not. And if i'm truely honest about my feelings they are bouts of depression, low self esteem and dry spells which I can no longer deny.

 

So regular exercise, a suppliment or two to get the blood flowing, have sex even if i'm not so 'in the mood', be honest and to give myself a break are what you are telling me to start with...i'll keep you AND Mr G updated!

 

Thanks again good people x

[Wornsilver 219]

Glida,

 

Sorry to hear about your situation, and the combo of exercise, good eating and adequate sleep is going to help. But the package of symptoms you mention indicate, to me and I am not a medical person, that you should see a doctor. There are several things that could be contributing--perimenopause, clinical depression, hypothyroidism (have this checked for sure) and others. The great thing about them is that science can do something about these symptoms.

 

I am all for "mind over matter" and natural ways of dealing with things, but the use of a substitute for your natural production of estrogen or thyroid hormone is pretty easy with few side effects. Couple words of caution: if you don't have a uterus (had a hysterectomy?) you are probably already on estrogen and if you do have a uterus, you will probably be taking estrogen plus another hormone to protect the uterus. Also, some people respond differently to different versions of the same drug, so make sure you exhaust the potentials until you find one that works. This is especially true of the anti-depressant drugs.

 

If the drugs are successful, you will enjoy a better quality of life, and that includes a better sleep pattern and better sex life.

 

Good luck.

[CandyCane 33]

Gilda,

 

Seems we are going through the same libido issues... I've been dealing with my issues for a few months. At first, I didn't say anything to my hubby, cause like you, I thought it would just go away. We talked it out and took a step back from the lifestyle. I found out that I am going through the lovely change...and I also found out that I have hypothyroidism. There are times when we can go a couple of weeks and do nothing but cuddle in the bed.. My dr. told me as soon as she can get my thyroid and hormone levels evened out, then my libido should return.. I am sorry you are dealing with it... I don't wish this on anyone!!! It sucks.

[Glida 250]

It sucks Candy Cane Thank you for saying this

 

Wracking your brain and stressing about where your libido has gone is a great way to keep it away. Lionheart 72 Thank you for syaing this

 

I feel that you are in some sort of mental denial, if you really want to feel and be horny I'm afraid that is a condition that only you can solve John67a Thank you for syaing this

 

we often start sex feeling rather "blah" and end with "wow that was hot! Sexinthetardis Thank you for syaing this

 

so we try to make time to go out on just-us dates Sunbuckus Thank you saying this

 

Bask in the flattery and drink it in. SW PA Couple Thank you for saying this

 

It turns out I'm not at the menopausal stage just yet but something else entirely which is realtively easily fixed. I have already started feeling like my old self again but just to make sure, I bought langerie! And lots of it. And items that I wouldn't normally. And Oh yes...it's working. Crotchless, assless, backless. strapless, strings, ties, lace, fishnet, black, red, purple. white and bling! Mmmm it seems to be working x

[Sexinthetardis 76]

That's great to hear Glida

[81lizard69 470]

I am going to add it might be time to do some mental house cleaning. Heck if I have unfinished business like late bills. Or trouble at work.. my libido gets sick.. and does not come out. I dont know what it is.. I think maybe protecting myself from not letting down my guard harboring bad life experiences can take its tool on my love life. How can I be there for some one else when I have other shit on my mind.. That is why cleaning my plate or cleaning up the past really helps me in bed.. It can be a hose I left out. that is worrying me or a argument I had with one of my family members.. God must of wired me to stay good with everyone cause if I am not I am a self adsorbed worry waer.

[2fitfunsters 32]

I just had my hormones checked two months ago and yep- peri-menopausal. I was put on bioidentical hormones - testosterone and sublingual progesterone and wow!!! It has been a total life changer. Stress was wreaking havoc on my body. I can't say enough praise for the complete 360. I am no longer depressed, anxious, tired, no PMS, libido is like when I was a teenager, fantasies are increased, sensitivity and lubrication massively increased. My husband said " your new pussy looks like a 21 year old!" which all in turn is driving him wild. So if anyone is experiencing peri-menopausal, see a bioidentical hormone doc and get checked. Most women get thrown on antidepressants and that isn't the cure!