What different polyamory relationship dynamics are there?

[Sensualbicouple 122]

My husband and I were discussing polyamory and the particular subject of one of our conversations was the dynamics within the polyamorous relationship.

 

I offered to post this question on his behalf.

 

My husband says that the main dynamic he has heard about or read about has been wife / husband / wife's boyfriend and/or girlfriend. The other main dynamic you hear about in society is the husband / wife no. 1 / wife no. 2 / wife no. 3 etc etc and this predominantly lies within people who are part of the orthodox Mormon church (for example).

 

He is curious to know about other dynamics of polyamory that exist (or from those here who are polyamorous) as to what makes up the polyamorous family of the members here, as he says many women would not be able to handle another woman or man becoming a life partner of their husband (except the religious folk maybe).

[Wornsilver 219]

I like your tag line. Such a luxury we enjoy in our countries to be able to express ourselves, even if our views are unpopular or controversial.

 

My first introduction to something resembling polyamory was the 1969 movie (described as a Western musical, whatever that may be) depicting a wife with two husbands. It didn't hurt that the wife was HOT! That was a sequential arrangement, and one that was about "love," but more about circumstances. Women were rare. Besides, there was the truth that "the frontier life is hard on men and horses; hell on women." Anyway, my view of "polyamory" will always be colored with that sepia tone from a utopian setting of long ago.

 

Personally, my view of swinging is more like polyamory and less like sex-as-mere-recreation. I need some sort of relationship, not just the physical. Friends with benefits?

 

Anyway, can't wait to hear more arrangements.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

...many women would not be able to handle another woman or man becoming a life partner of their husband...

 

That's probably true in the sense that the vast majority of men and women are, by inclination or culture, monogamous. Those of us who aren't have found a way to handle it... which, IMO, boils to open, honest communication regardless of whether your particular brand of respectful non-monogamy is swinging, polyamory or that vast grey area in between.

 

As for dynamics I know / am involved with a poly group which consists of two married couples who are involved with each other and each of whom also have "friends with benefits" (I'm one of the friends with benefits). Really it's just a bunch of friends who are comfortable expressing their friendship sexually.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

We know of a couple where the wife has her boyfriend and the husband has a girlfriend but they don't inter-mingle. In this particular situation, I'm not sure I would really call it poly though. We have a member here where the wife has a boyfriend, the husband has a girlfriend who is also now the wife's girlfriend (and lives with them) and the husband now has another girlfriend who has moved in as well. A member who used to be active here was part of a couple but she also had a girlfriend (one of the situations you posted above). As for the husband of a couple having a second partner and the wife is happy about it, I think that dynamic exists but it might be more prevalent if the husband is bisexual.

[Sensualbicouple 122]

Thank you to the contributions thus far.

 

@Wornsilver; thank you for your compliments on the tag line. I thought up of tag line when we joined TSB. It's the motto we go by whenever we get chatting to people and the subject comes up about how we entered the lifestyle. And it continues to be our motto considering the avenues swinging has taken us.

 

Yes I feel like I need to know our playmates very well before they are invited into our play sessions. I believe sex begins in the mind and the body will follow. If I can't relate to the person on a non-sexual level then I just can't get into it on a sexual level (if that makes sense).

 

@Lionheart You stated that you are one of the friends with benefits. My definition of a friends with benefits would entail a connection with that particular playmate(s) but not to the point of say living out of each others' pockets. Does that exist with you and your friends?

 

@Sunbuckus Thank you for that. I have read some posts from the second poly family you mentioned. I'm curious though, for a husband of a couple having a second partner, you said the dynamic exists but is prevalent if the husband is bisexual. Can you elaborate on what your opinion is of this?

[sunbuckus 3,567]

@Sunbuckus Thank you for that. I have read some posts from the second poly family you mentioned. I'm curious though, for a husband of a couple having a second partner, you said the dynamic exists but is prevalent if the husband is bisexual. Can you elaborate on what your opinion is of this?

 

This is based on what I've seen from the swinger men in the LS trying to get a girlfriend while the wife is out with her boyfriend(s). Across the board, it's easy for women to pick up extra playmates and/or boyfriends...whether it's swinger or vanilla. Meanwhile, it's harder for their husbands to find female playmates and/or girlfriends. Swinger wives may not have hall passes, not a lot of single females in the LS, and vanilla women aren't interested in having sex with married men unless they are rich, famous, extremely good looking, and/or lying about their marital status. Thus, all of those play into why it's less likely to see the "hinge" relationship that involves the male connected with 2 female partners. However, if the male is bisexual, then it opens up the possibilities...and the male can have both a female and male lover.

[Wornsilver 219]

...it's harder for their husbands to find female playmates and/or girlfriends. Sunny

 

You speak truth.

 

You are near 4,000 posts. I saw a post with 6,000. Say each one of your 4,000 posts took 10 minutes, that is 40,000 minutes, over 600 hours. That amounts to 30% of a standard, 2,000-hour work year. That's a lot of devotion to this forum, and I continue to congratulate the "senior posters" for the high quality of the forum...and the effort that takes.

 

I appreciate it.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

...it's harder for their husbands to find female playmates and/or girlfriends. Sunny

 

You speak truth.

 

You are near 4,000 posts. I saw a post with 6,000. Say each one of your 4,000 posts took 10 minutes, that is 40,000 minutes, over 600 hours. That amounts to 30% of a standard, 2,000-hour work year. That's a lot of devotion to this forum, and I continue to congratulate the "senior posters" for the high quality of the forum...and the effort that takes.

 

I appreciate it.

 

You give me too much credit, Wornsilver. A lot of my posts are quickies that take less than 30 seconds. But I am quite fond of this forum and several many of its members!

[Lionheart72 2,190]

@Lionheart You stated that you are one of the friends with benefits. My definition of a friends with benefits would entail a connection with that particular playmate(s) but not to the point of say living out of each others' pockets. Does that exist with you and your friends?

 

We're friends. We hang out sometimes, play games at least once a week, occasionally watch movies together (she is woefully underexposed to classic cinema) and chat about life and stuff. Also, when we can make time in our schedules, we go out together and have sex. So, basically, friends who have sex.

[love2dp 52]

I'd be fine with a MFM relationship. I'd have all the love I'd want from her and have a male best friend to do the cool guy stuff he/I like to do, dirt bike riding, metal work in the shop. And we would have a fantastically hot lady to talk about together while we're doing fun guy stuff. She would have two guys that adored her and gave her anything she wanted. Would treat her like a queen. Always open to both of us even if two of them started first. Three incomes supporting the household. If she got pregnant, we would still have two incomes easily supporting a household of two men and one woman and a baby. She would be SOOO taken care of! Her recovery would be as comfortable and as easy as we could make it for her. She could stay home for as long as she wanted to bond with our child. And we could always add another woman to the mix if it all was right with chemistry between all of us. That sounds absolutely wonderful to me. I would never want it to be just me and two women or more. No way in hell! lol. Just one of you is hard enough to deal with at time lol! Kidding hahahaha! I kid. Mostly lol. I've had FMF threesom's. Totally not as fun as MFM threesoms by far in my opinion. It's ALL about the woman and pleasuring her to the fullest emotionally, physically, spiritually. I need so much less to be happy. Love and good sex and food. No limitations on any, and I am happy. Why is it so hard people. I'm single for about a year now and not getting any of the first two at the moment. Thank god for food lol!!!

[couplers 4,614]

We are a poly family of two men and three women, and two children.

 

It started with my ex-fiancé Red and I calling off the wedding and me moving out, but we continued a relationship. I then met David, the man who would become my husband and who allowed me to keep my boyfriend. Red did not live with us, but nearby.

 

Eventually I decided it would be nice for hubby to have sex with another woman. One woman, Clair, hubby and I both fell in love with, although Red and Clair have no sexual relationship to this day. The four of us started playing and swapping with an ex-girlfriend of hubby's, Lora, and her boyfriend, who eventually became her husband. Lora and her husband moved to the opposite coast and we saw and played with them infrequently.

 

Clair became accidentally pregnant (hubby's child, she doesn't have sex with Red), so I stopped contraception and became pregnant as well. We have one boy and one girl. Turned out hubby is the father of my child well.

 

Lora and her husband divorced, and she moved back to our east coast city, declared that she never stopped loving hubby, and eventually moved in with us.

 

We all now live together in a large house with a guest house that we all bought. Red lives in the guest house, which is connected to the house the rest of us live in because of his creative endeavors and odd hours. I am currently trying to get pregnant by Red; Lora and Clair will conceive with my husband after I am pregnant.

 

These are the dynamics of our poly family. Each of us has an intimate sexual relationship with the other adult members of the family, except Red/Clair and the guys with each other. Hubby is in love with me, but also with Clair and Lora but in different ways. With Clair it started as friendly sex, but hubby came to love Clair as time went on, especially after she gave him a son. Lora and hubby were in love and lived together before he met me. They wanted to get married, but her family strenuously objected because of the racial difference (Lora is black), and her parents thought she was just settling for a white man with a good job. Lora thought that she found her happiness with the guy she did marry (he's a great guy, black, and her family approved), and the fact that she could still play with my husband, but when they moved to California, she realized otherwise.

 

For me, Clair is my comfort, Lora is my rival. My relationship and sex with Clair is warm, loving and soft; sex with Lora is rough, tense and unbelievably orgasmic, while our everyday relationship is genuinely caring and supportive - for two women still competing for the same man.

 

Clair and Lora are closer than sisters in that they are adults in a family with children. Their intimate relationship is close and intense, with none of the rivalry I have with Lora.

 

Red and Lora have great sex together. Lora explores the differences between him and hubby, and enjoys the things that hubby doesn't do with her. Red, I think, just enjoys having a second pussy to play with besides mine.

 

C'est tout!

[love2dp 52]

Wow! That's quite an amazing and dynamic situation. How do finances possibly workout among you all? Who decides what? Or is each their own money boss as side from equal parts for house payment? If you don't mind me asking of course.

[couplers 4,614]

Wow! That's quite an amazing and dynamic situation. How do finances possibly workout among you all? Who decides what? Or is each their own money boss as side from equal parts for house payment? If you don't mind me asking of course.

 

The dynamics are complex, but stable. Overall I would say that the women like to engage in the household processes and relationships while the guys like to leave the endless discussions to us women. The women are the deciders by way of very messy (the guys would say even illogical) processes, the guys are the executioners of our orders by means of cold calculation and planning.

 

Financially, we all put a relatively large, equal amount monthly into a common account for all the household expenses (which is construed broadly), including the children regardless of parentage. The remaining money is each individual's. We agreed early on before any children arrived that we would all be equally responsible for all the children that come into our home. That holds both financially and parentally, e.g. changing diapers. The women are all naturally maternal toward the children (Clair and I breastfed both children), but if there is ever any real hardcore, life-or-death disagreement about a child (nothing like it yet), the natural mother decides. It helps that we are all serious people that when you put it all together, have some intelligence. What amazes me is the way Red acts as a father to both children, especially my daughter who we were sure, before she was born was going to be Red's child, but hubby is the biological father of both. That is the reason we are so determined that my next child will be fathered by Red. Otherwise, Red won't even have a biological child in the mix this time around either, since he and Clair aren't sexually intimate, and Lora wants to have her first child with hubby (she's so much in love ).

 

Sometimes we do things a little unequally, like a family. Early on when it was just hubby and me and Red, Red was struggling for traction in his undertakings and hubby gave him money from time to time. I never asked, hubby's just sweet. We (meaning us women, the deciders) have already agreed that when we have our babies this time around that Clair will either stop working or cut way back in order to tend to the children's needs. (Clair is by far the most natural, child loving mother you could find. Her inadvertent pregnancy and advocacy to have more children now was a lesson to us all on the joys of children.) Lora and I have agreed that everyone will adjust the monthly contribution so Clair's financial situation remains unaltered. Sometimes, however, we refuse to be unequal. As I posted earlier this year when we bought the house, we agreed that all would make an equal contribution and all have equal ownership. This was at the time that we had all just decided that Lora would become a part of our family. She had just come into substntial inheritance money from her grandmother and offered to contribute it to the down payment but still only taking an equal share. We didn't let her.

 

All of this requires good, creative lawyers. The property arrangements are complicated, but doable. The rights to raise the children is not. All is well so long as we are alive but if a parent, or much worse both parents, of a child die the court need not necessarily follow the natural parents' instructions.

 

Sort of long winded, but I don't mind answering questions. I'm happy and somewhat proud of the way it's going.

[kikonkrome 844]

gotta admit I find this dynamic fascinating.

[love2dp 52]

gotta admit I find this dynamic fascinating.

 

Right! I do to. Love it.

 

Couplers, thank you very much for sharing. I appreciate your openness. I wish you continues happiness.

[couplers 4,614]

gotta admit I find this dynamic fascinating.

 

Hi, this is Petra again. Most of the stories here have been fascinating. I first came to the Swingers Board just over eight years ago. At that time it was just hubby, Red, and me in love with both. I had found the Swingers Board just searching the internet, looking for validation, to see if we were the only couple that had dared such an arrangement. What I found was that there were many with far a greater sense of sexual freedom and adventure than I could have imagined.

 

What surprises me still (as I have commented over the years) is how easily a person will share their spouse's body with a sense of joy and without envy, but there is so much concern about emotional sharing. Our poly family is different not because of our sexual relationships, in that sense I'm an underachiever having had sex with only four men in my life. Rather, it is because we allow feelings to be established and grow. Looking at the path to our current situation along with all that I have read over the past eight years, what is fascinating to me is not the sex, but that there are not more couples that have allowed feeling towards others to develop.

[couplers 4,614]

How do finances possibly workout among you all?

 

Keep in mind there are two things working in our favor. First, all five of us adults are fortunate to have gotten useful degrees in college and make over $100k per year, several of us well over. Second, combined households are just cheaper to run on a per person basis. I read some time ago that although the saying "two can live as cheaply as one" is an exaggeration, that two can live as cheaply as 1.43, and each additional person adds around 0.38 person to the household expenses. For example, we five adults get by very easily with only three cars. We all have as much of our own space as we need, but share things like the kitchen and laundry facilities with no problem. The guys have their own things, but the tool stuff is shared. So we all realize that being in our family arrangement is a financial benefit, not a sacrifice.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Two can live as cheaply as one...but only half as long

 

Men SHARING tools...crazy talk. My brother in law thinks wood chisels make great pry bars and substitute screwdrivers and the best place to put tools are on the ground where you used them. He's now banned from the garage and the shop for life.

[couplers 4,614]

... Men SHARING tools...crazy talk. My brother in law thinks wood chisels make great pry bars and substitute screwdrivers and the best place to put tools are on the ground where you used them. He's now banned from the garage and the shop for life.

 

My guys treat the tools and women with respect. They're intended to last a long time and perform well.

[couplers 4,614]

We are a poly family of two men and three women, and two children.

 

It started with my ex-fiancé Red and I calling off the wedding and me moving out, but we continued a relationship. I then met David, the man who would become my husband and who allowed me to keep my boyfriend. Red did not live with us, but nearby.

 

Eventually I decided it would be nice for hubby to have sex with another woman. One woman, Clair, hubby and I both fell in love with, although Red and Clair have no sexual relationship to this day. The four of us started playing and swapping with an ex-girlfriend of hubby's, Lora, and her boyfriend, who eventually became her husband. Lora and her husband moved to the opposite coast and we saw and played with them infrequently.

 

Clair became accidentally pregnant (hubby's child, she doesn't have sex with Red), so I stopped contraception and became pregnant as well. We have one boy and one girl. Turned out hubby is the father of my child well.

 

Lora and her husband divorced, and she moved back to our east coast city, declared that she never stopped loving hubby, and eventually moved in with us.

 

We all now live together in a large house with a guest house that we all bought. Red lives in the guest house, which is connected to the house the rest of us live in because of his creative endeavors and odd hours. I am currently trying to get pregnant by Red; Lora and Clair will conceive with my husband after I am pregnant.

 

These are the dynamics of our poly family. Each of us has an intimate sexual relationship with the other adult members of the family, except Red/Clair and the guys with each other. Hubby is in love with me, but also with Clair and Lora but in different ways. With Clair it started as friendly sex, but hubby came to love Clair as time went on, especially after she gave him a son. Lora and hubby were in love and lived together before he met me. They wanted to get married, but her family strenuously objected because of the racial difference (Lora is black), and her parents thought she was just settling for a white man with a good job. Lora thought that she found her happiness with the guy she did marry (he's a great guy, black, and her family approved), and the fact that she could still play with my husband, but when they moved to California, she realized otherwise.

 

For me, Clair is my comfort, Lora is my rival. My relationship and sex with Clair is warm, loving and soft; sex with Lora is rough, tense and unbelievably orgasmic, while our everyday relationship is genuinely caring and supportive - for two women still competing for the same man.

 

Clair and Lora are closer than sisters in that they are adults in a family with children. Their intimate relationship is close and intense, with none of the rivalry I have with Lora.

 

Red and Lora have great sex together. Lora explores the differences between him and hubby, and enjoys the things that hubby doesn't do with her. Red, I think, just enjoys having a second pussy to play with besides mine.

 

C'est tout!

 

A short update for those that are curious since I haven't posted or even visited here in over a year.

 

 

In our last episode we left our poly family of five adults: me Petra, my husband David, Red, Clair, Lora, and our two children: my daughter by hubby Petunia (not her real name) and Clair's son Junior, also by David, all happily living in what hubby calls our "compound." (In reality, a large old house with a guesthouse for Red.) We all wanted more children, but the plan was for me to get pregnant first by Red since I wanted a child by him as well as hubby, then Clair and Lora would try.

 

 

As I previously posted, Red and I had been trying for around 10 months and we had started a medical evaluation (I looked OK, Red made pints of cum, but was low on swimmers) and we began investigating what else could be done then I became pregnant. Clair and Lora then went off contraception. Clair became pregnant almost immediately and Lora this past summer. I had a son in October, Clair a daughter in December and Lora is expecting a daughter in March.

 

 

So it has been pretty crazy around here. We are all well and happy, finding our way in the shifting emotional tides of the relationships. Take care all,

Petra

[DjRayder 43]

@couplers congratulations! What you guys have is what I consider the epitome of a poly relationship. You guys make it work with what I could tell is little to no hangups. I believe this is going to be more accepted in modern society having seen how when couples divorce they still live together.

[oc1234 435]

My wife and I are in a polygamous triad with our longtime best male friend Bill. Bill and his first wife were the ones who seduced us into swinging. Early on my wife and Bill played a lot since they were both at home during the day. That led to a lot of threesomes. After my wife started working, Bill and I who are both situationally orally bi started getting together and playing whenever we were both at home during the day. That continued though his second marriage. His second wife knew about us playing, and had played herself with him, but had gained a lot of weight and unfortunately developed a bad self image. That was too bad since I did find her attractive and would have liked to have included her.

 

She ended up dying in her 50s from a weight related heart attack. That was really a shock.

 

We continued playing with Bill off and on and finally the three of us decided we were really polygamous. That's made everything so much easier since we all know that none of us has to get permission to play any of us.

 

We mainly do threesomes, but we all realize the importance of him playing with my wife alone. And occasionally I will play with him too.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Thanks for the update...We've missed you being around.

[couplers 4,614]

@couplers congratulations! What you guys have is what I consider the epitome of a poly relationship. You guys make it work with what I could tell is little to no hangups. I believe this is going to be more accepted in modern society having seen how when couples divorce they still live together.

 

A belated thank you to you and GoldCoCouple. But speaking of divorce, divorce has become part of hubby and my discussion, along with Red, Clair and Lora. Not because of any difficulties, our relationships are strong all around, but because we are questioning why it is David and I that are married to one another and not to one of the others. What actually started the discussion is that we (the other four) are all working except for Clair, who stays home with our now five children. We all contribute to her financially in a strict "no strings attached" way, where it's absolutely her money, and it's adjusted upward as we have all prospered.

 

 

Clair is the only person without formal benefits (especially healthcare, although we have purchased private insurance) because she is the only one not working. So one of us will marry her, perhaps now that it is possible, even Lora or me. The other factor is that Lora and my husband David have this thing. I shake as I type this, but maybe they should be husband and wife. Lora was always my rival (she and David were an item before me, almost were engaged, etc.), and now that she bore his child (and I had a son by Red), she is closer than ever to him.

 

 

But in our strange, conflicted way Lora and I are closer than ever. Lora and I have the only tumultuous relationship among us, although the others do not know the degree. We have fought physically, wrestling and hitting one another; peed on one another; called one another all kinds of names and slurs; and most hurtful called into question our love for David (Lora says I'm a whore for having another man's baby, and how could I allow my husband to father her baby?). Yet we also cry in each other's arms, prefer to sleep together above the others, and have sex that is incredibly intense. (It is almost an imperative that Lora and I get together after David has made love to one of us, sometimes for taunting, but always for loving.)

 

 

Where am I going with this....? The good thing is we all have our rational sides and excellent lawyers to protect our family, especially our children, if an outside calamity (sickness, disability, death) should strike us.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Your updates are always exciting and interesting if nothing else. Opposites attract and usually with explosive interactions (think base and acid). Thanks for letting us know how things are going. It sounds like even through the fireworks, you know where you need to go. Good luck as you move forward.