Feeling guilty over spontaneous encounter with friend with benefits

[asncpl 730]

Just when I thought I had it figured out, I get myself into a situation that changes my previous thinking. Sunbuckus previously posted a thread here about what is cheating and what is cuckolding and I responded. Well, I may have to change that response, as I encountered a situation that is very similar to the hypothetical situation posed by Sun.

 

I have a single friend with benefits who was introduced to my husband and me through another swinger friend. We played with him twice in a mmf situation but my husband wasn't really into because the friend is not bi. But Mr. A lets me play with him separately if I want and because Mr. A has been away a lot on business the past half a year, I play with the friend...a lot. Although Mr. A never asked, I always let him know ahead of time if I am going to swing without him, whether it's with this friend or with someone else.

 

So Mr. A left town on Saturday, and on Sunday I ran into the friend at Bed Bath and Beyond, of all places. Cutting to the chase, I really missed having sex with the friend that he came home with me (a short 5 min drive) and we had some amazing sex, and in my delirium, I let the friend play without a condom and cum inside me. Everything was so spontaneous, and I felt really bad that I didn't tell Mr. A beforehand, although he has said I can go play with the friend anytime. So I called Mr. A that night and told him everything (he was out of town for business again) . To my relief, Mr. A wasn't angry or upset at all. In fact, he said he was turned on and wanted to watch our next session in person. Even though we do a lot of cuckold roleplay, this surprised me.

 

So now I still feel guilty about that spontaneous get-together even though Mr. A was not upset. A girl just can't win. I don't know if it's cheating in this situation? What do you all think? I am relieved but can't get over my own guilt.

 

And I can't get over that it'd feel very weird for me to have Mr. A in the same room watching the friend and I do our thing. We have been in countless cuckold fantasies but this one just feels different. I am scared how Mr. A would react to it all, since this is not a fantasy he plans out. I told the friend that my husband wants to watch and he's fine with it, so I am the only one having second thoughts. Am I overthinking this?

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Oh, asncpl! I don't think it's cheating at all! When I first starting to read your post, I thought for sure it was going to end in your friend being a cheater. I'm glad it didn't go that route. Clearly, Mr. A is okay with it and never really asked to be in the loop before any playtime. In fact, you said Mr. A is okay with you playing with Mr. Friend anytime! I think it's great that there is so much trust between you two that he says that but that you also let him know before and after if it happens.

 

As for feeling weird about having Mr. A watch you two go at it the next time...could it be because there's an emotional attachment going on with you and Mr. Friend? I found myself in that place with a certain playmate after we had a lot of separate play.

[MrDiscover 802]

I thought the post would go to you confessing you had grown more feelings for the friend than just a fwb, but that seems not to be the case. I think just the fact that you felt safe to call A and tell everything speaks all. He was and is ok with it and supportive so I don't see a reason to feel guilty. But a unreasonable feeling can rear it's ugly head every now and then, of course. :-)

 

MrDiscover

[lotsoffun201 175]

I agree with the other posters. It has turned out fine....I wouldn't do it again without telling him first, but all seems well. Perhaps to alleviate the cuckold feelings you are having, perhaps you might get him to take a few sexy pictures if your friend is cool with it. That way he feels like an active participant and won't feel left out. Mrs fun and I never play separate, but we do have the occasional single male where I don't participate but merely take some pictures. I may join in later or afterwards. It's just what works for us......

[asncpl 730]

As for feeling weird about having Mr. A watch you two go at it the next time...could it be because there's an emotional attachment going on with you and Mr. Friend? I found myself in that place with a certain playmate after we had a lot of separate play.

 

Interesting how Sun and MrDiscover talk about emotional attachment. I initially thought I'm inching toward poly but I really just want sex with the friend. We have some small talk but almost everything we do is sexual. I think my concern is that this is more real than role-playing and is new territory for both myself and Mr. A. When we do cuckold mmf role-play, both Mr. A and I talk and know what we want going into play. But this time, Mr. A wasn't involved. The sex I have with the friend is a far cry from the threesome we had when we all first met. It's rougher now, lots of dirty talking, more intimacy and passion, so I really don't know how Mr. A will react to it.

 

I agree with the other posters. It has turned out fine...I wouldn't do it again without telling him first, but all seems well. Perhaps to alleviate the cuckold feelings you are having, perhaps you might get him to take a few sexy pictures if your friend is cool with it. That way he feels like an active participant and won't feel left out. Mrs fun and I never play separate, but we do have the occasional single male where I don't participate but merely take some pictures. I may join in later or afterwards. It's just what works for us......

 

Thanks for the suggestion. Actually he already mentioned he wants to film it or take pictures. The friend is ok with but again it's me being the party-pooper. I can't put my finger on why I don't really want to. It's not like we have never taken pictures during play. I think I just have to relax, let go, and have fun.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I believe you handled the situation without doing anything wrong. There is no perfect rule book. This was a situation that your rule book did not cover. So you consulted with your spouse to determine whether or not a revision of or addition to the rule book was needed. That was good. Revision was apparently not needed.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

I completely understand how you're feeling asncpl. My wife if perfectly comfortable with whatever I do with my FwB and my FwB is total comfortable with our relationship. I, alone, still manage to occasionally work myself up with guilt or some other drama that exists only in my head. I've actually spent this whole week actively not posting my own self inflicted drama here.

 

I'll tell you what I ended up telling myself. Talk to your partner and accept that they are fine with it. If you have concerns about your husband watching, talk to him about it and tell him why you are concerned. I'm guessing that he will listen, will understand and will ultimately surprise you. My wife always does (actually, she doesn't surprise me, because in my heart I know she'll just roll her eyes at me and tell me "of course it's fine" but I still need to hear it sometimes).

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I agree with the others, I don't see this as cheating at all. Mr. A had said you could do it any time, and there weren't any conditions on that about him knowing beforehand. The fact that in practice you had been letting him know up front up until now didn't make that a rule. All you did was when presented different circumstances you handled it a bit differently, but it was well within the overall parameters of the agreement between yourself and Mr. A.

 

I can't put my finger on why I don't really want to. It's not like we have never taken pictures during play. I think I just have to relax, let go, and have fun.

 

Is it because you think having three involved instead of the normal two will take something away from it, and it's so good with two that you don't want to give that up, even once? And those feelings bother you, but they are still there? For some people, that could maybe be a problem, but with the level of communication and understanding you guys have, if that is it, I don't think it has to be a problem in this case. Maybe do both one time - Mr. A is there for the start and takes some pics or whatever, but then heads out, leaving you two to your fun.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

The sex I have with the friend is a far cry from the threesome we had when we all first met. It's rougher now, lots of dirty talking, more intimacy and passion, so I really don't know how Mr. A will react to it.

 

 

I think you have something here. There are times when I sound different when playing with others than with Mr. Sun and I'm sometimes afraid that it might make Mr. Sun feel bad if he isn't occupied with someone else. So, I go through times when I "hold back" if I know he's watching. I think what would alleviate the issue is to talk to Mr. A about your feelings about it if this is the case. I've brought this up to Mr. Sun a few times and he always assures me that he wants me to have fun but I still get that niggling feeling in my head that I need to be conscious of how Mr. Sun feels.

[Guest Ready2dewit]

In reading this, I also agree that you might have feelings you haven't processed yet regarding your playmate. Everybody else seems to not only accept but encourage the situation to develop, but you seem hesitant for some unstated reason. Look within. Why do you feel you need to set "limits" or act in a more restrained way?

[asncpl 730]

Thanks everyone! Your comments really helped. I think I am creating an issue when there is none. I need to get the thought out of my head.

 

I think you have something here. There are times when I sound different when playing with others than with Mr. Sun and I'm sometimes afraid that it might make Mr. Sun feel bad if he isn't occupied with someone else. So, I go through times when I "hold back" if I know he's watching. I think what would alleviate the issue is to talk to Mr. A about your feelings about it if this is the case. I've brought this up to Mr. Sun a few times and he always assures me that he wants me to have fun but I still get that niggling feeling in my head that I need to be conscious of how Mr. Sun feels.

 

This is really it, I think. It may exist only in my head, but what if Mr. A feels bad. Mr. A wasn't involved in the sexual relationship I have developed with my friend, and what he'll see is far different than when we all first played as a threesome in the beginning. So on the one hand, I wonder if I have to hold back if he's watching, but on the other hand, Mr. A wants to see what the fuss is all about and why I love having sex with this friend. I think my solution is to talk to Mr. A and let him know ahead of time what to expect. I'll let you all know how it goes!

 

@ Sunbuckus and Lionheart72: love your new avatars! So glad to hear comments from both of you since I think we are in similar situations.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

 

@ Sunbuckus and Lionheart72: love your new avatars! So glad to hear comments from both of you since I think we are in similar situations.

 

Thanks! And I like Lionheart's new avatar, too, as well as all the other new avatars I've been seeing around.

 

Let us know how things go, Mrs. A!

[asncpl 730]

Just want to let everyone know what happened since my post and close the loop on this one. Not long after my post, I did have a session with my special friend while Mr. A watched. It's right that most of the feelings existed in my head, but it felt strange and awkward to be naked while Mr. A kept his clothes on and wasn't participating like in a normal swinging event. The session began awkwardly too, and I was nervous so I asked Mr. A before doing anything. But I began to relax after intercourse and Mr. A was so encouraging and even held my hand. Mr. A even got a quickie at the end while my friend was in the bathroom cleaning up so I knew he was actually pretty turned on by it.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Just catching up on your story... It's an interesting situation, and one that, while not exactly the same as some things that have happened with us, rings a familiar bell in my head (Mr. CoupleInMD79 here). You start having such a good time with passionate separate play that you wonder whether your partner would be OK with it if they were watching.

 

I'm glad you went ahead and had the session with your special friend while Mr. A watched. I was going to comment that having him watch you and your friend would be a big act of trust on both of your parts- him trusting that nothing he sees will shock or hurt him, and you trusting that he will be OK with your passionate sex with your FWB. So from that point of view, having Mr. A watch was an opportunity to bring you two closer together! I hope you and your FWB didn't self-censor too much, and that the experience really did reaffirm your mutual trust with Mr. A!

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I'm so glad you came back to update your thread, asncpl. And I'm glad it all worked out for everyone in the end.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

. . Mr. A even got a quickie at the end while my friend was in the bathroom cleaning up so I knew he was actually pretty turned on by it.

Mrs. SW often expresses concern that I am not having fun. I answer that I have fun in my own ways and in sufficient amount.

 

I'm pleased that you have shared this with us.

[Guest Zonapellucida]

Why waste the energy on guilt. He didn't increase the fuck count because you have already been done before. I hope you were able to get done anything you needed when hubby was around.

[maniaco333 29]

I don't think you shouldn't feel guilty about that....I don't know about you guys but we got into this lifestyle because we wanted each other to be happy and enjoy life and all of those wonderful things life has to offer and spontaneity is one of those beautiful things....we try to give a heads up every time but sometimes things just happen and it is a great thing and we do what you did which is just tell it immediately

[Eddiem 139]

Never had this kind of experience but my wife and I had an experience this past summer with a good friend going through a divorce. We hinted (mostly me) at a threesome with her and after a few glasses of wine we had the experience. While we know him super well as you said it was spontaneous and when he pulled out his cock and she was hot, maybe thinking it was me that was going to start when it was him he also had sex with her without a condom and as he tried to pull out in the last second she inserted his cock and told him how much she loved to feel the warmth of the cum. I have often thought about this and would like to relive it. I think my wife put in on her bucketlist and that is that. Overthinking is your way of coping.

[Numex 2,459]

The sex I have with the friend is a far cry from the threesome we had when we all first met. It's rougher now, lots of dirty talking, more intimacy and passion, so I really don't know how Mr. A will react to it.

 

I know how I react when my wife is like that. I'm turned-on and ever more in love with her. (And happy that she's enjoying herself in new ways.)

[ntx_partycouple 16]

Old thread but I'm calling "not cheating"

 

My wife or myself would call beforehand in a similar situation but if things happened in a similar way afterward would be fine.

 

I expect you've followed it through to the end by now but your hubby wanting to watch now doesn't seem unusual at all . Especially in light of your previous discussions. He may have been on the verge of wanting that or being ready for that and the excitement f hearing about your encounter tipped it just enough.

[10thBadger 25]

On 1/15/2015 at 10:42 PM, asncpl said:

Just when I thought I had it figured out, I get myself into a situation that changes my previous thinking. Sunbuckus previously posted a thread here about what is cheating and what is cuckolding and I responded. Well, I may have to change that response, as I encountered a situation that is very similar to the hypothetical situation posed by Sun.

 

I have a single friend with benefits who was introduced to my husband and me through another swinger friend. We played with him twice in a mmf situation but my husband wasn't really into because the friend is not bi. But Mr. A lets me play with him separately if I want and because Mr. A has been away a lot on business the past half a year, I play with the friend...a lot. Although Mr. A never asked, I always let him know ahead of time if I am going to swing without him, whether it's with this friend or with someone else.

 

So Mr. A left town on Saturday, and on Sunday I ran into the friend at Bed Bath and Beyond, of all places. Cutting to the chase, I really missed having sex with the friend that he came home with me (a short 5 min drive) and we had some amazing sex, and in my delirium, I let the friend play without a condom and cum inside me. Everything was so spontaneous, and I felt really bad that I didn't tell Mr. A beforehand, although he has said I can go play with the friend anytime. So I called Mr. A that night and told him everything (he was out of town for business again) . To my relief, Mr. A wasn't angry or upset at all. In fact, he said he was turned on and wanted to watch our next session in person. Even though we do a lot of cuckold roleplay, this surprised me.

 

So now I still feel guilty about that spontaneous get-together even though Mr. A was not upset. A girl just can't win. I don't know if it's cheating in this situation? What do you all think? I am relieved but can't get over my own guilt.

 

And I can't get over that it'd feel very weird for me to have Mr. A in the same room watching the friend and I do our thing. We have been in countless cuckold fantasies but this one just feels different. I am scared how Mr. A would react to it all, since this is not a fantasy he plans out. I told the friend that my husband wants to watch and he's fine with it, so I am the only one having second thoughts. Am I overthinking this?

Badgers wife,
 

I am thinking like others who have posted. You are afraid to let your husband see that you have feelings for this dude because you have intimacy, dirty talking, and rough sex with the other guy and obviously it is something that you do not do with your husband. But the main part is you have an emotional involvement with this friend and you don’t want your husband to see it. I think it is plain to see.

[lcmim 1,086]

Badgers wife,

Feelings like the OP's can come from many sources.

What you suggest is one of them.

 

If that is the cause(or at least one of the causes) the question is how is the FWB relationship to be addressed.

Break it off?

Incorporate it?

Write it off as NRE and let it play out?

 

Those are all viable answers if paired with the right couple.

That is a matter for the internal dynamic of each couple.