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Lionheart72

Finding a balance between poly partners

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For the first time in maybe a year my wife and I were able to arrange a time when we could go to our new area swingers club together. I'd been to the club several times with my FwB (henceforth just to be referred to as "friend" :) ). I guess I'm just a creature of habit, because I've gotten used to the idea that going to the club is something I do with my friend. My frame of mind probably was not helped by the fact that I had to pick my friend up because she was sitting for us. Even after my wife and I got to the club, it took me a while to stop think about my friend and start enjoying my time with my wife. I did... thank the gods for switching my brain off and just dancing, and for very different sexual tastes... and in the end, I had a very nice night out with my wife.

 

Still, I'm wondering, you poly and semi-poly swingers out there: how do you manage to find a balance, mentally, between different partners?

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Hello Lionheart72

 

Managing the balance is what it's all about for me. I think the moment we step over the bounderies of monogamy we are faced with this. I don't think this is exclusive to poly couples either. Myself and Mr G are nowhere near being in a poly relationship and even we find ourselves asking this very same question.

 

You said that this date was the first time in a year that you had been to this club with your wife but you had been there several times with your friend. Would that create this feeling that you have? I don't pretend to know your relationship with your wife. I am assuming that its a good one so why have you not taken your wife there for such a long time? It sounds like you need to put some fire back into date nights with your wife.

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Still, I'm wondering, you poly and semi-poly swingers out there: how do you manage to find a balance, mentally, between different partners?

 

I wonder if it's just a matter of practice to be able to easily switch from one sexual taste to another. After all, you had gotten into the habit for one and it took a bit of time to switch over, which is understandable if you were used to a certain situation in a certain environment with a certain person. Change one or two of those variables and it can mess with the brain a bit. Maybe it would help workout your brain to go out with your wife more often to the club in between your visits there with your FWB?

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You said that this date was the first time in a year that you had been to this club with your wife but you had been there several times with your friend. Would that create this feeling that you have? I don't pretend to know your relationship with your wife. I am assuming that its a good one so why have you not taken your wife there for such a long time? It sounds like you need to put some fire back into date nights with your wife.

 

Why haven't we gone together in so long? I don't know. Life, I guess. Little things like our regular club closing, her schedule being crazy, the ever present challenges in finding a sitter, her cycle going nuts thanks for a new birth control medication. And, if I'm honest with myself, there's the New Relationship Energy encouraging me to go out with my friend.

 

I wonder if it's just a matter of practice to be able to easily switch from one sexual taste to another. After all, you had gotten into the habit for one and it took a bit of time to switch over, which is understandable if you were used to a certain situation in a certain environment with a certain person. Change one or two of those variables and it can mess with the brain a bit. Maybe it would help workout your brain to go out with your wife more often to the club in between your visits there with your FWB?

 

You're pretty much spot on. Unfortunately, going to the club costs money which, thanks to the wonderful economy, I'm rather short on. Going with my friend less often is simply unacceptable to me, because (again for reasons of life and this wonderful economy) I believe my time in this town is limited and I want to get as much time with her as I can before we leave. Going more often with my wife is desirable but economically challenging.

 

Clear, I need to find a way to have a fun date night with either or both that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. (Brief pause while I smack myself in the head for being an idiot and not thinking of that sooner.)

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It also occurred to me, after I posted this, that another factor is how supportive my wife is with me spending time with my friend. Honestly, any drama here it is entirely in my own head. My wife is actually very happy that I'm going out with my friend and my friend is happy to go out with me when we can manage it. Which is not to say that my wife doesn't want to go out with me occasionally, but she's not upset with me because we haven't been. When I pointed out to her how long it had been since we'd gone out, she did that "blink, really?" reaction one has to surprising news.

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It sounds like your wife is very supportive of you and your friend so can she be as supportive with this 'drama' that you find yourself in? Have you actually shared with her how you felt that night, in the club? She might want to find more time for you and her so things don't seem so weird. Like many people on this site say...find something that only you and her do together. Maybe that will restore the balance that you're looking for.

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It sounds like your wife is very supportive of you and your friend so can she be as supportive with this 'drama' that you find yourself in? Have you actually shared with her how you felt that night, in the club? She might want to find more time for you and her so things don't seem so weird. Like many people on this site say...find something that only you and her do together. Maybe that will restore the balance that you're looking for.

 

We talked a bit about it before we went, but not after the fact. Mostly, when I bring up these little mental drama's about my friend, she just rolls her eyes and says "yes, everything's fine." Now that I type it, I realize it's a response that kinda discourages me from bring these things up. Mostly, I know, my wife does it because this stuff is all in my head and she has enough real life stress to deal with without me adding my "imaginary" stress.

 

Your ultimate point is well taken, however. I do think my wife and I need to find some more "us" time. Honestly, we haven't had a lot of that lately between work and family, holidays and general life craziness. Also, my wife likes the fact that I have a friend I can hang out with because it means she gets to hang out with her friends without feeling like our outside social lives are unbalanced. I guess that pendulum has swung to far... we need to balance have separate socials lives with also have social activities we do together.

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I think I understand where you are coming from. If you only go to a certain place with a certain someone a lot, especially if it's a close and intimate someone, you associate that place with that person. It actually reminds me of when I broke up with an ex a long time ago. We had a neighborhood restaurant we went to a lot, and after we broke up, I couldn't go to the restaurant without being reminded of him. I think to find a balance, taking both your wife and your friend, at separate times, to the club will help your brain adjust. It's like conditioning for the brain. But I understand the financial limitations.

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Update... still working on this.

 

I'm trying. I really am. Made arrangements to take my wife back to the club for Valentines weekend, only to have them fall through at the last minute (sick babysitter). We spent a quiet night at home instead but when we're just hanging around the house in the evening, we tend to just put the kid to bed and then go to sleep ourselves.

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Update... still working on this.

 

I'm trying. I really am. Made arrangements to take my wife back to the club for Valentines weekend, only to have them fall through at the last minute (sick babysitter). We spent a quiet night at home instead but when we're just hanging around the house in the evening, we tend to just put the kid to bed and then go to sleep ourselves.

 

Excuse me for being blunt but can you remember when it was exactly that you stopped making the effort for each other? It's very easy to slip into nasty habits of not bothering. Valentines was a nice idea though shame you didn't 'go with the flow' once your plans fell through.

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Excuse me for being blunt but can you remember when it was exactly that you stopped making the effort for each other? It's very easy to slip into nasty habits of not bothering. Valentines was a nice idea though shame you didn't 'go with the flow' once your plans fell through.

 

One of the things I love about these forums is the honesty. Blunt is good.

 

To answer your question, I have no idea though perhaps not for the reasons you might expect. I'm just horrible with Time. I have huge trouble organizing my memories into any sort of coherent sequence. So, honestly, I'm not sure where in time it occurred that my wife and "stopped making an effort" (to use your words).

 

I just know that somewhere along the line it became easier to go to sleep at the end of long day rather than staying up an extra hour or two to fool around. I think part of it might relate to moving into a smaller house... it's harder to comfortably have wild sex with a young child so close at hand. Other factors too... work stress, money stress, and general increase in doing things separately all play a role. So, in general, a lot of little things ganging up. I'm not unaware of them and, in fact, we have been working on a lot of this already.

 

As I said, I really am trying. It just seems like circumstances haven't played in our favor. For example, one time when we planned to go out and do something fun my wife caught the flu. That put paid to those plans. Another time, we discovered that her new birth control medication was giving her nearly three week long periods. Red light on those plans, so to speak. And those are just two examples. There comes a point where enough plans have fallen through, it starts looking easier to stop making plans. We're working through that.

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Question - Can't your Friend babysit sometimes, so you can go out with your wife? Strange, I know, but no stranger than what we're all doing here.

 

 

My situation - Hubby, Red, (Walter when he was part of our sexual circle), Clair, and Lora are each so different to me when I'm having sex with any of them that I never lose track of who I am with. Each of them, however, has called me by another name (Hubby has called me "Clair;" Lora even calls "David" at times when I am eating her pussy. None of it bothers me.

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Question - Can't your Friend babysit sometimes, so you can go out with your wife? Strange, I know, but no stranger than what we're all doing here.

 

Actually, my friend and her wife are our babysitters. That's kinda how we first met. Alas, this most recent time one of them was so sick that the other had to stay home to take care of her. I can hardly blame her for that. :)

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Actually, my friend and her wife are our babysitters. That's kinda how we first met. Alas, this most recent time one of them was so sick that the other had to stay home to take care of her. I can hardly blame her for that. :)

 

Sorry about the illness, but your relationships are cool.

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Sorry about the illness, but your relationships are cool.

 

Thanks. She's feeling better now, but the weather this winter is not being kind to any of us. It also hasn't helped with making plans, when said plans can be suddenly disrupted by 6 inches of snow, sleet and freezing rain (or as we've come to know it in Indiana - weekend weather).

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The important thing to remember during these low periods and it happens to all of us for different reasons is that you will come out the other side. If you are trying and so is she then the sun will shine soon.

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--read long string of profanity here--

 

I just can't catch a break. Every time I try to schedule some time out with my wife, something comes up. Someone is sick. Every sitter we know is busy. Something! WTF!

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Sorry to hear that, Lionheart. There's been a pretty vicious coughing bug going around our area lately. Mr. Sun and I had it during the first two months of the year. Our children have just recently been trying to recover from it and it is making its way through their schoolmates families as well. I hope everyone gets better soon and you two can enjoy some time together.

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... It also hasn't helped with making plans, when said plans can be suddenly disrupted by 6 inches of snow, sleet and freezing rain (or as we've come to know it in Indiana - weekend weather).

 

We've had a bit of weather here in the far northeast this winter, which makes me glad that we took the lazy way out and all just live together. Less variety perhaps, but more certainty.

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We've had a bit of weather here in the far northeast this winter, which makes me glad that we took the lazy way out and all just live together. Less variety perhaps, but more certainty.

 

I honestly think I'd like that, but it's not in the cards for me. Not in this set of relationships anyway.

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