No swinging experience, how do I separate sex and love and deal with jealousy?

[Anyta90 24]

Hello everyone. Not sure where to start or how to start...

 

My boyfriend mentioned the other day that he would love seeing me with another girl. The more we discussed the more information I was getting. And he seems to be quite into threesomes...which from my perspective is soft swinging.

 

I started feeling really weird and could not continue the conversation. Then I actually got mad because I felt that he should have told me this from the beginning and give me a fair chance at deciding if I want to start a relationship with someone that has this particular sexual preference.

 

I am not a judgemental person but I am a very emotional person.

 

I also like to think of myself as being open minded. But if I can't figure out how to separate love from sex then there's definitely some connections in my brain that need rewiring...right?

 

Funny thing is...I actually always fancied the idea of a threesome.

 

And not because I am attracted to girls or because I am not satisfied with my boyfriend.

 

Our sex life is great. Best I've ever been with!!!

 

But because I can actually imagine what an amazing overload would be on my sensory system. This is how far I can go though... I can actually picture him with someone else but the thought of actually seeing him touch someone else in reality really scares the life out of me.

 

So...how do I do it? How do I separate love from sex? How do I not fall into the jealousy trap??!?

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Simple...love, trust and communication.

 

The hard part is getting all of those things into the right place. Threesomes are soft swinging but finding a single woman who is interested is very difficult...they are known as unicorns due to their rarity. That's why most couples looking for a woman look for another couple with a bi or bi-curious woman. If girl-girl is the only swapping allowed, that is usually explained well in advance to all parties and there are plenty of couples who would be interested in this (and respect the limits).

 

Now for more particulars: Why would you get mad at your boyfriend with him opening up and trying to communicate with you? If you were not interested in this, you just tell him that you are not interested and then it's up to him if you are more important than his fantasies (and if he is a quality guy, he would be). Did he tell you that he was only interested in having a relationship if you were willing to have a threesome? If that's the case, he's not a keeper and it's better you found out now. How do you separate love and sex? That's the trust aspect. The two of you need to have rock solid trust in each other that you are a couple and this is just play. Swinging is a magnifying glass...if the relationship is weak, it will magnify the weakness, but if a relationship is strong it will make it even stronger (and hotter too). On top of everything, it sounds like you might actually be interested as well...but it really doesn't sound like you are anywhere close enough to going here (yet).

 

Things that have to happen first:

 

A rock solid relationship and knowing that the other partner is not looking for anyone but you (love)

Absolute trust in your partner (trust)

The ability to talk about anything and everything...fantasies, secrets, deepest darkest thoughts, without judgement or penalties (communication)

 

I think you have a ways to go but this could be a start. No matter what happens, love , trust and communication is always needed in a relationship and working to improve that can only help any couple.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

First of all, WELCOME to Swingersboard.

 

Whether or not you separate sex from love, just stay true to yourself. Whatever you do with threesome or any other multiple-partner activity, do it for your own reasons, not somebody else's reasons.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Welcome.

 

If I may, a few more questions about you may help give the best advice. How long have you two been in a relationship? What's the previous relationship history for both of you? When you say he seems quite into threesomes, does this mean actual experience with them with an ex-wife, ex- girlfriend, him acting as the third with another couple?

 

As you may be able to tell from the gist of my questions, my initial feeling is you aren't ready for this - your relationship isn't ready, and you personally aren't ready. While it's good he feels comfortable discussing his sexual fantasies with you, it's also important that he realize fantasies don't always become reality. How important that fantasy is to him, only he knows. If it does turn out to be more important than you, that may hurt in the short term, but in the long term it will have done you a favor and saved you a lot of pain. A threesome fantasy that is the more important thing to him today than the relationship is not likely to stop there, there will be other future fantasies that may become equally important in his mind, and you and the relationship will likely come in second on those too.

[JandKinBoise 859]

I don't think you can just learn to swing. It took me 30 years in a relationship before I felt secure enough to see her with another man. We tried when we were young and it was a disaster. You are in a difficult situation if he won't listen to your side and is continuing to apply pressure.

[Anyta90 24]

Simple but not so simple.

I agree...these 3(love,trust,communication)are the main and strongest factors in this particular equation.

The relationship is fairly new(8 months)so it will require more building but its foundation is solid.

The love and trust are there...no doubt about it. Communication though...not there yet. From both sides I guess.

You're right...I should not have gotten mad at him sharing his fantasies. Guess at that point I was somewhat surprised by the fantasy itself and kept asking myself if this was his way of asking for a free pass.

Days later I reopened the conversation by trying to find out how important was this fantasy for him... Looking to confirm myself that he is the quality guy that I find him to be. Pretty much the same thoughts as yours: if this relationship is conditioned by that particular fantasy then it would pretty much be a dead end for us. And his answer(although not a very detailed one)confirmed his awesomeness..."babe,don't read too much into it. It is just a fantasy"

You're also right by me not being ready for it but interested in it. And the reasons why I'm not ready is because at this point I'm approaching it from a technical perspective(that's why I'm mentioning rewiring). I perfectly understand the theory... But how do I apply it??

Yes,it's just play but how do I know. How does one know to differentiate lust from love?

How do I leave my emotions out of this "play time"? How can I actually picture it and get turned on by the idea of seeing him penetrate someone else but I'm freaked out by this turning into reality? I don't understand myself (

[Anyta90 24]

The relationship is fairly new...8 months.

I was previously married. For 7 years. A marriage that ended up in a disaster. And left me beyond broken and traumatized

(Hubbie had an affair with a coworker of mine that resulted in a daughter for them)

He had a couple of steady relationships, one that lasted about 6 years. But he has experienced plenty of fmf threesomes him being the male.

No, I'm not ready for a threesome and neither is the relationship.

But how do I get ready? How do I know that a threesome is just play and nothing else? How do I leave my heart out of this?

[Anyta90 24]

Also...I think me being not ready stems from certain insecurities as well

My self esteem does not remain on a constant high. I have days when I feel like I can rule the world and days when I feel like I'm the most horrible human being...

And that is something else I don't know how to fix...

[MrDiscover 802]

There is a term for that: human.

 

On a serious note: it can work out the other way too, you know. I'm a lot like you in terms of insecurities but I found out the last two years that exploring my sexual boundaries did wonders for my self esteem and bravery (and relationship). And I know of others where this worked that way too.

 

MrDiscover

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

And that is something else I don't know how to fix...

 

This is something that you cannot fix by yourself. This is something that is slowly repaired in you by your partner (usually without them knowing that they are doing it) and is a process that most likely will never be complete. Everyone has insecurities, some just hide them better than others. Keep asking questions and talking (to him...but you can also keep talking with us) and things will almost always continue to get better. That's always a good thing.

 

You were betrayed in your former marriage...it may take some time to fix that. I can understand (and I'm sure he does too) why you don't want to run out and invite another woman into your relationship. It will be okay, YOU are okay.

[Anyta90 24]

I agree Mr.Discover

The best thing to do for myself was to love and accept myself exactly as I am.

And I do hear that for some exploring their sexual boundaries did help with their self esteem...Would you care to elaborate?

[Anyta90 24]

[MrDiscover 802]

Would you care to elaborate?

 

At some point i found the courage to share some fantasies i had with MsDiscover, the less vanilla kind. To my surprise and relief she was not upset but in fact enjoyed it. And she shared some new fantasies with me. I was very proud on us, on myself, overcoming my introvert me was rewarded with much more openess and a deeper connection with her. The same thing happened with suggesting oral, anal, outdoors. And two years ago with swinging.

 

With every step I was more confident. And not only regarding sex. Or even with MsDiscovr. I'm more confortable with looking people in the eye, starting a conversation, ordering drinks, standing my ground at work, etc. And I firmly believe it goes hand in hand with growing more confidence in my relationship.

 

MrDiscover

[Anyta90 24]

And you've never ever felt jealousy? Never wondered what if lust turns into something else?!?

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I (Mr Gold) used to be insanely jealous before my first marriage (hummm, low self esteem maybe?). When Ms Gold and I first talked about going here I was concerned that the jealous would come back, but that's where the love and the trust comes in I guess. I've actually been surprised that I haven't even felt a twang of it. I KNOW she loves me and I love her and no matter how good the sex is, she's coming home with me (and I with her). I never thought I would be able to be in a relationship like this and feel the way I do which is why I work so hard every day to make sure she also knows how much I appreciate everything she does.

[Anyta90 24]

That sounds like an amazing relationship...

I'm really confused about how come I can get turned on by the idea of him actually touching someone else but in reality I'd probably faint...

Was talking to a friend about this and decided to try and venture a bit into a swinger club...see how I feel...

[intuition897 2,179]

Hi and welcome!

 

This whole thing is supposed to be fun. So follow the fun. You can expect to get knocked on your ass a couple of times as you learn what hurts and (often surprisingly) what doesn't. All you can do is expect that, and be determined to forgive yourself and one another for any hurts you cause...because you didn't mean it, and you had no idea that it would be hurtful. The bottom-line rule is this: once you know it hurts - regardless of how silly the transgression may seem to you - you have to promise to not do it again...at least not until your partner says they're okay with it. The focus is on making one another feel safe, comfortable, and always loved. If you both make every decision with that in mind, you'll be okay.

 

Another tip to help with communication: talk about the things that make you most uncomfortable. If you'd rather have a root canal than talk about it, it's probably the very thing you need to have on the table for discussion. Don't worry, you'll get used to it, and once you do, you will be so much happier in your relationship because you stop being afraid to talk about the hard stuff.

 

You know, you don't have to jump in at the deep end. You get to make your own rules. Just because you're entertaining the idea doesn't mean you have to go all the way to a real live threesome. Tell him like it is: you're intrigued, but you don't want to lead him on and let him think this is going to happen next Saturday. You want time to figure out how you feel about it all. Can he be patient with you as you do that? If he's a stand-up guy, he'll agree to give you as much room as you need.

 

So...how can you find out what it might feel like without a lot of risk? Start out by going to the local mall, or a restaurant or some other public venue, and "window shop" to pick people out. What's his type? What's yours? This can give you an inkling what it looks like to see your mate attracted to someone other than yourself. You'll start to see one another in a whole new light. If you feel particularly brave, go to a strip club together and get him a lap dance. He's not allowed to touch, but she is. Hell, get a lap dance for yourself and see if you like it. Then go home, fuck like bunnies, and talk about how this all felt. It's all building blocks. Just go slow. Some people jump in at the deep end and take to swinging like ducks to water, but for every success story there's got to be at least 10 disasters. I recommend going slow.

 

Hope this helps a bit.

[Anyta90 24]

Wow intuition897...that was amazing. Really amazing tips in there...

We actually had another conversation last night and he is just so awesome...He just makes me fall for him every day more and more.

I told him that I was thinking about going to a swingers club and see how it feels. I was also asking him how he can be in a threesome but he can't enjoy an open relationship(which is actually something that really baffles me...how can you have sex with a third person but not an open relationship)

He advised me not to. He is totally certain that I'm not personally ready to be watching people having sex almost everywhere I would look and we should not be talking threesomes either since he feels that the relationship is not ready for something like that...he's not willing to have me change my feelings over that.

At this point building blocks sounds like an awesome idea.

Having him point out towards the people he's attracted to sounds like a good idea too ...putting it in practice though sounds like putting acid in my eyes

So many mental blockages...

Have no idea how to break them. How to accept that he can fantasize about someone else and not mean a god damn thing.

I asked him how he makes the difference between love and lust. Simple,he said: one you feel with your heart and the other with your dick...

Which makes perfect sense...First time we had sex it was lust. That's how I should know...remember how I felt in the begin inning. However, I have to come in and make it cheesy

I never slept with a guy just for the fun of it. If I did not have the slightest romantic interest in him then I wouldn't be able to take my pants off...so somehow my heart always gets in the way. Even if it's just for a week...

Why do I have to be so complicated? I wish I was a man...just for a day. And see how testosterone feels as opposed to estrogen )

[MrDiscover 802]

Just to be sure: you don't have to play the game of pointing out people if it feels like putting acid in your eyes. You don't have to remove mental blockages if you don't feel like to do that (yet). It all sounds like you want to want too fast for yourself and you don't have to rush because from what I read he is a very very understanding guy. It is also in his benifit to not rush things with risks of crashing. :-)

 

Only talking about 3somes, clubs and what not between the sheets can be fun enough on it's own. Let it slowly grow. And if not, there is nothing lost.

 

Just my 2 euro-cents!

 

MrDiscover

[intuition897 2,179]

MrDiscover is right, you shouldn't do anything that makes you feel truly uncomfortable. There's stepping outside your comfort zone (which is a good thing and prods growth), and then there's going to a place that you know is wrong for you. Some people are simply monogamous, period. It's not a flaw. It's just the way they're wired. If you explore non-monogamy and find that it just doesn't feel good to you, don't push yourself to it. Or if it's still a fun fantasy, keep it that way.

 

As for separating love and lust, it can be a tough one. I can see the line for myself really clearly, but I can't explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it. I think I've always been somewhat detached myself. Sex was always an experiment and, and even as a teen I recognized that people have emotions that will come and go. So even though I'd be upset and cry when I broke up with a boyfriend, I was never devastated. Feelings came and went and life went on. Then I married Mr. intuition. Being young and stupid, for the first few years, it was all still experimental and I was still not completely invested in the relationship. The relationship was nosediving, and unsurprisingly, it crashed. We found ourselves at 'ground zero' wondering, what now? Without anything left to lose, without any reason left to stay, we discovered ourselves and one another. We removed all the broken and unnecessary 'moving parts' from our relationship and put it back together with honesty, living in the moment. I'm still experimental, and sex is just fun for me. But with Mr. intuition, it's different. He's the only one in life's cast of characters who jumped down off the stage, walked straight up and slapped me in the face (figuratively speaking). As sappy as it sounds, he's my soulmate. We're bonded, and I have no doubts about how we feel about one another. Because of this, not only can I be generous about "allowing" him to get it on with other partners, I'm actually happy about it. I love seeing him fulfilled and being completely himself. I don't ever want to ask him to be something he's not.

 

All this doesn't change how my husband feels about me. In fact, I think it makes him love me more. He's never going to find someone who loves him more, and if he does, he should hang on to her with both hands.

 

*sigh* Like I said, it's hard to explain.

[Anyta90 24]

Hmmm... So last night I got a little balsy(more like waay too much wine)and had him describe how the threesome would go.

And the weird part again has happened...as he was going through the details all I wanted was to turn it into reality.

But as soon as he finished I just went idiot on him and repetead for half an hour straight that I hate him (

How can this be? I'm so turned on by the whole thing but something clicks inside of me and I start feeling so insecure and scared. Things got even worse when he actually mentioned a friend of mine who he finds attractive...

A couple of years ago I was actually on Craigslist by myself looking for couples where I can be the third person.

Never actually got the courage to do it...

I love sex. I can turn it into art...

I just don't get what's wrong with me...

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Hmmm... So last night I got a little balsy(more like waay too much wine)

 

This is the main issue. Drinking alcohol disrupts the way a person thinks logically. The true question is if still turns you on when you are 100% sober or if you have insecure and scared feelings. For me, I am of the opinion that if you can't swing sober and have to have alcohol to be comfortable about swinging, you aren't ready for it. There's a time and place for drinking but it doesn't belong when you are new to swinging and trying to figure out your feelings and thoughts about it.

 

When I was in my early 20s and with Mr. Sun, I was definitely not at all ready or thinking about swinging. I was very much into the mentality that monogamy was how people were supposed to live. I was very jealous. I was very insecure. I was very possessive. It took us 12 years of being together and several certain life experiences for me to realize that we weren't built for monogamy.

 

And there isn't anything wrong with you. There are just certain personal issues that you have within you that you are aware of...now it is up to you to determine if you are ready to tackle them and work through them. Perhaps you need more time. Perhaps you and your boyfriend need to be together a lot longer. Perhaps you need to do a lot more introspection. Perhaps you will be ready in the future. Perhaps you won't. Whether you swing or not isn't right or wrong. I will say though, if you force it and you aren't ready and willing...it will be disastrous.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think you need to leave this topic alone, YOU are not ready for the idea and that means that your relationship is not ready for it. By continuing to bring it up and then freak out on him you are sending him mixed messages. At this point I'd say that swinging is NOT for you. I don't even think it's about how new your relationship is, from your reaction to him telling you his fantasy (after you asked about it) I don't think it's something you will likely adjust to. Focus on your relationship.

 

If we were hearing his side of this story only we'd probably telling him to run away from you.

[Anyta90 24]

...that was not very nice Julie...I'm here for advice...not to be told how you would advise him to run away from me...

[two4youinswva 3,068]

...that was not very nice Julie...I'm here for advice...not to be told how you would advise him to run away from me...

 

Julie wasn't trying to be mean. She was being blunt about what your actions are doing to your relationship though.

 

As a guy, I can tell you that if my significant other did what you did last night, I'd be hurt, confused, and questioning my entire relationship. You asked him to describe a threesome, and initially acted in a positive manner, then spent an hour telling you that you hate him.

 

If you reversed these actions, and you told your friends that he did to you what you did to him, they'd most likely tell you to run, fast.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

You need to work hard on your trust and communication. No matter what happens, more trust and communication is always going to be a good thing, but it may start helping you feel more comfortable when you think about what he is saying. He's not saying he wants someone else, he wants the both of you to share someone else. Just take your time, there's no rush and no promise that anything more will ever happen.

[MrDiscover 802]

...that was not very nice Julie...I'm here for advice...not to be told how you would advise him to run away from me...

 

But besides that last sentence Julie wrote, what do you think of the advice she has given you in the rest of that post? Can you imagine someone is giving you the advice to leave swinging alone, at least for a while, especially after reading about how you have reacted?

[Alura 2,775]

Soon after meeting, the late Mrs. Alura and I agreed that there are three reasons humans have sex: Love, Fun, and Power. We quickly decided that having sex for power is immoral. We wanted to have no part of it. That left love and fun.

 

The issue was confused when we found that, together, we were not adept at having sex for fun. Love always reared its beautiful head as our minds interlocked and soared together. The result was so wonderful that we abandoned thoughts of recapturing the fun we had previously known with others whom we did not love.

 

Then we discovered swinging. Once again we were able to have sex for fun, if only with people we did not love. We concentrated our swinging adventures on the "fun" aspect, laughing, joking, doing crazy things we didn't care to do together. At the end of our swinging experiences we were exhausted, our abdomens ached from having laughed so much. Still, when we wrapped ourselves together to fall asleep after an evening with another couple, we inevitably began to kiss. We were making love, something we could not do with anyone else, the feeling that made our marriage complete.

[Tahoecple 319]

You mentioned something about needing to rewire your thinking. That’s a whole lot easier said than done I’m afraid. I don’t have a lot of experience with a lot of women, however I have a lot of experience with one woman. One thing I’ve learned in my 46 year marriage is that we are who we are and nothing is going to change that.

Even when you are in an open and honest relationship, men and women are as you said, “Just wired differently.” Let me give you an example of something simple that I learned early on in my relationship.

If a wife asks her husband what he wants for dinner, what she is saying is I want some input in my dinner plans. She wants her husband to participate in that conversation and offer options for dinner. What the naive husband hears is a question about his desire for a dinner, so if he doesn’t have a preference for dinner, in his mind the correct answer is “I don’t care.” Now any guy that been in a relationship for any length of time knows that with that answer what the wife is going to think is, he doesn’t want to talk to me, he never wants to engage in any kind of conversation with me, he doesn’t want to do anything to help me, and the list goes on.

 

It’s not that one is right and the other is wrong, it’s just that they are different in the way they see and hear things. Now if something as simple as asking a question about dinner, can be misinterpreted what would you think that the likelihood of something as complex as bringing other people into your bedroom would be?

 

Before you can even think about broaching this subject, you two need to learn how to communicate with one another. You need to learn to trust each other with the knowledge you both can engage in a frank to the point conversation without worry of the others interpretation. You both need to state your feelings without trying to avoid conflicting with the others feelings. You need to set perimeters that each of you are comfortable with.

 

After reading what you wrote in the beginning of this thread I do not think you are ready, to even begin this conversation. You said that you ended the conversation with your boyfriend because you started feeling “really weird,” then you got mad because he didn’t tell you he was interesting in this kind of thing from the beginning. Then later on in the thread, you say that you rather fancied the idea of a threesome.

 

I’m going to be frank with you because you asked. I think that before you run you have to learn how to walk. Before you start expanding your relationship, you have to start with a solid relationship. A solid relationship comes about by hard work from both parties. What concerns me is not the fact that you were apprehensive about added another person into your bedroom, it is that you do not seem to know what your perimeters are. You each need to get yourselves on solid ground, then get you relationship on solid ground, then and only then would be the time to discuss taking your relationship to something new. I think the definition of the starting point of a solid relationship would be where two people can talk about anything in their relationship, for as long as it takes to come to a mutual agreement on that subject, even if that means you agree to disagree.

 

Also remember that all relationships have arguments, those arguments will be of less intensity if you set one small rule for all arguments, always argue in the nude.

 

Good luck.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

An awesome sexual experience makes most people feel an emotional attachment. Someone here brought up the unique perspective of what they called "fluid bonding". The connection a man feels with a woman he has cum in and a woman feels from accepting a mans cum in her.

 

An over simplistic way would be to say that men fuck, women make love. It's not true for everyone of course. There are a lot of people, both men and women, who can have sex as a kind of sport. Like a workout at the gym.

 

My wife fell in love with the first person I talked her into having sex with since we married. She wasn't very experienced when we married. She was very reluctant. She agreed to try it because she loved me and wanted to make me happy. She loved it! Our first experience couldn't have been more perfect. The experience brought us closer together. It was no problem talking her into doing it with him again.

 

She loved having sex with him and her feelings toward him grew the more experiences she had with him. I was happy that she was happy. I had no jealous feelings at all. It was my fantasy come true.

 

His feelings toward her were growing also. It was HIS jealousy that ended up ruining the relationship.

 

We tried a swap with another couple one time and she hated it. She couldn't stand me enjoying having sex with another woman. From that time forward we only had MMF's. I didn't mind. I wasn't interested in reciprocation. I was happy that she was happy and I was happy that we had those experiences together.

 

We are very close and our marriage is strong even though she loves having sex with other men. As long as I don't have sex with another woman. I'm willing to share but she isn't

[luv2was 117]

...that was not very nice Julie...I'm here for advice...not to be told how you would advise him to run away from me...

 

I've been involved in group communication and sharing situations where "giving advice" was strictly prohibited. The focus was on growth through the sharing of personal experience. I've found this to be an excellent model to follow.

 

Sometimes giving advice can be a good thing however, and fortunately this forum is well moderated and provides an excellent opportunity for both the sharing of experience (which is what I mostly see here), as well as the occasional giving of advice.

 

I've been visiting this BBS for a number of years now, and have found it to be an excellent opportunity to learn more about this Lifestyle that I seem so drawn to. There are a remarkable number of very experienced people here who know how this way of life can work, or not. I've enjoyed listening to them, as well as hearing what new folks bring to the table (hopes, fears, etc.).

 

Of all the posts I've read here, I'd have to say that the number one issue at hand is Trust. Once you have that, I suspect that the path you need to follow will become clear. This trust applies to all. Your partner, others that you may invite into your life, and trusting in yourself.

 

Be Well... Have Fun!

 

bud

 

:-)

[Anyta90 24]

Ummmm before I make an update to the current situation...can you guys please start telling me about your first experiences?

Was it a friend? Or friends? How did you feel afterwards? Anything on that first experience...

[Anyta90 24]

...also what is the science behind being turned on when seeing your partner being satisfied or satisfying someone else??

[purple4215 55]

At this point I don't think this is an arena for your relationship. It's very new and your past wounds aren't fully healed... I think have fun exploring it thought sexy fantasy talk, watching/ reading stories etc...Let the topic or idea of swinging be fun. When and if that settles in, take the next step. If this were me , I wouldn't do it now. Hoping this doesn't sound harsh, it isn't meant to.

[angelkin 1,326]

Ummmm before I make an update to the current situation...can you guys please start telling me about your first experiences?

Was it a friend? Or friends? How did you feel afterwards? Anything on that first experience...

 

My very first experience was with a trusted female friend. We both played straight and pleasured the same man.

 

My first couple experience was a threesome with my boyfriend after much pressure. I felt awful and in hindsight, we were too immature (at 18) and I was jealous beyond all belief.

 

Fast forward to couple play with my former husband, no jealousy. We'd been together 5 years and had built a foundation of trust and openness. It was a wonderful experience and while it's not for everyone, it worked for us.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

Ummmm before I make an update to the current situation...can you guys please start telling me about your first experiences?

Was it a friend? Or friends? How did you feel afterwards? Anything on that first experience...

 

Let's see.. our first experience of a full swap swinging was at a swingers club. My wife and I hooked up with a couple, total strangers but nice folks. I watched the husband bang my wife and then his wife banged me. I was both turned on and uncomfortable with the experience. Afterward, we talked about it... about how it made us feel, about what worked and what didn't, about whether we wanted to try it again and what to do differently if we did. In short, we talked a lot. I learned a few things. Firstly, when I'm with my wife I'm more interested in watching her than I am in playing myself. Secondly, "re-connection" sex with my wife afterward is important to me. It took a lot of communication, trust and honesty but we learned and we improved.

 

...also what is the science behind being turned on when seeing your partner being satisfied or satisfying someone else??

 

I've never heard a science to it... though if I have to get it's probably related to empathy and the concept of mirror neurons. Personally, I like the look on my wife's face and the sounds she makes when we have sex... and I find it's easier to observe those things when I'm not the one having sex with her.

[Guest sandraandalex]

If you have to think about it this much,for this long, without exploring it, you probably shouldn't be doing it. If you try it, what's the worst that can happen ? If you answer that question you may realize you are investing far to much effort talking yourself into something that you shouldn't be doing. A friend once explained it like this,"If you play on the fringe of anything, including sex, you may just get your "nose bloodied" every once in a while. On the other hand, that's the only way you can take an adventure and it's fine if you don't."

[kikonkrome 844]

 

This has been an eye opening and entertaining read...

 

[Guest]

Our first experience was a couple we met at a resort. We had never done anything like that. I had concern about her being bi and about me being jealous. We said no but hubby and I, then boyfriend continued to talk about swinging. My thoughts were that my fear of jealousy and of bi women, would disappear if another wasn't in the mix. Coincidentally, the guy of the couple came to our city on business a couple months later, we met for drinks and ended up in an MFM. We had a few more with other men, just guys who would talk to us at a bar somewhere and then tried our first couples club for a couples full swap.

[Guy1964 177]

SI perfectly understand the theory... But how do I apply it??

Yes,it's just play but how do I know. How does one know to differentiate lust from love?

How do I leave my emotions out of this "play time"? How can I actually picture it and get turned on by the idea of seeing him penetrate someone else but I'm freaked out by this turning into reality? I don't understand myself (

 

 

You're asking great questions! I have learned so much from this post, and I look forward to the posts to come. My experience is that understanding anything is largely a matter of formulating the right question, and you've done a great job of that! Thank you for being willing to share your concerns and feelings.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

If you are looking for science I would read Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and What do Women Want? by Daniel Bergner.

 

The science doesn't really matter at all though. What matters are your feelings and your relationship.

[Guest]

Many of the Stories in the Story tab of this site are true stories written by members. They provide a good description of experiences of others.

[Anyta90 24]

I know I am not ready. I am not ready.But I can't stop thinking about it!!!

And I think about it all the time...everywhere I am. It's kinda of frustrating at the same time. I mean how can I have so much fun with it in my imagination but be very much terrified of watching him touching another woman.

I am a very emotional person. And an over thinker!!! Kinda of a whack combo...I have to analyze every emotion that i have...ugh

Last night I had such an amazing night with him. I found out so many things about him...it was nice to see him allow himself to be vulnerable

We're both very sexual. I mean the sex is beyond fabulous. He was blessed with a beautiful mind and a beautiful body. And so while I'm madly falling in love with him I can't stop thinking how hot it would be if I were to blow him with another chick ...both of our mouths on that beautiful man...mmmm

How do I know when I am ready? How does it feel like?

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Fantasizing and actually doing something are two different things. Just because one fantasizes about something a lot doesn't mean they should do it or even can. For example, someone can fantasize about choking their extremely annoying co-worker but that doesn't mean they should act on it.

 

Concerning swinging...some people just aren't ready and they might never be ready. Others might not be ready at one point in their lives and then later on they will be--or even vice versa.

 

No one can tell you when you are ready but I think some good indicators would be how your relationship has been able to deal with several major issues in the past. Were you two able to work through them by communicating with each other or did they get swept under the rug, forgotten in time, and you two just moved past it but never really acknowledged it? Do both of you put each other as a high priority? Are you two in tune with each other's thoughts and feelings? Do both of you enjoy seeing each other happy even if it doesn't involve you personally or do you feel jealous and possessive when they have happiness separately from you?

 

And even if the indicators are in the right place, that doesn't mean that you personally are ready or that you can be a swinger. Swingers make up a small percentage of the general population...it's okay if you're part of the majority and not be a swinger. Some people just can't be a swinger.

[PandO 103]

Tbh, I was afraid I would be insanely jealous if O were with another woman, but now that we are actually talking to other people I realize something very important I think I overlooked before: If we're not all comfortable we don't play!!! Being comfortable with another couple, I now realize, can mean whatever you need it to mean. And you can be picky if you want to be. You don't HAVE to make it an every weekend thing. You don't have to hook up with random couples at swinger clubs. You can start with same room play or soft swap. Sometimes couples looking for that are harder to find, but they're out there. You don't have to jump into the deep end. You can get you toes wet and ease into what you're comfortable with... IF you even want to at all!

I feel like you may just need to take a step back, slow down and worry about full swap IF/WHEN you get to that.

[MrDiscover 802]

Excellent advice.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

ALWAYS move at the pace of the slowest person. The problem here is just like jumping into a pool without feeling the temperature of water first. No matter how slow you take it, there is no real wading or dipping a toe in, at some point there's just the jump and the splash. As pointed out, you may never BE ready and you may never go any further than you have right now, and that's okay. You have a great relationship and you are communicating better than ever...neither of these are bad things. Swinging is just sprinkles on the ice cream of a great relationship.

[CaliSwing419 16]

I hear the emotional side of it and think there is a bunch of great advice on this thread. If you decide to try it, maybe consider a situation where nothing more than kissing is allowed. Or choose whatever threshold you are comfortable with, knowing that there is an entire world of group play exploration before intercourse, and it may be way more emotionally comfortable as well.

[intuition897 2,179]

You're in a tough yet tantalizing spot, aren't you? I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I recognize some of the hallmarks of the "swinger gene" in you. You're adventurous, open-minded, curious, you want to learn and change, you love sex and have a great sex life already... So what's missing? Objectivity perhaps. I can be very emotional, too. I started out in my marriage as an extremely jealous 19 year old. I would freak out if I knew he was looking at porn, because I just couldn't compete with every other airbrushed perfect woman out there. This wasn't about him and his attraction to others; it was about my inability to deal with that truth. I felt that said something about my worth or desirability, if he was able to be attracted to someone else. I mean, wasn't I "enough"? Wasn't I so blindingly amazing that I was able to blot out his attraction to anyone else? The answer is, no, I'm no better at fucking or being attractive than anyone else. Oh how I struggled with that. What helped: Realizing that I'm no WORSE at fucking or being attractive than anyone else. It simply prompted questions like, why, then, is he with me? What makes me different from any other piece of ass that he could want/get? How am I special? If you can answer those questions for yourself, you will probably find a way to separate love and sex.

 

I'll give you the answers that I found to be true for myself. Whether he's attracted to me or not does not define how attractive I am, and it does not define my worth. I am beautiful, attractive, confident, sexy, and for every man that does not see that in me, there are 10 others that do. I know that Mr. intuition recognizes that; he knows he's got some competition out there. But you know what? So do I. He, likewise, is smart, powerful, sexy, confident, and very attractive. He is a potent presence in any room. His presence in my life is not to be taken for granted, because there are a lot of other women out there who find him just as attractive as I do...and he can't help being attracted to them, too (that's just basic animal nature). So am I the best woman for him? I'd like to think so. If he doesn't see what a good thing he's got here, he's an idiot. And if he finds something better, then he should pursue that. I would encourage him to do so, because I want the best life possible for him. If it's not with me, so be it.

 

If your man happens to be that one in ten, it's okay, you can look at him like he's lost his mind. It truly is his loss if he can't see the amazing woman he's got right in front of him. If he ever lost sight of this and made sex with other women a priority over his relationship with you, you can call him an idiot and walk out.

 

I like what you said about your boyfriend being vulnerable with you. That is so important. Even though you spent half an hour saying "I hate you.", you can repair that damage by going to him with an apology, saying that you don't hate HIM, you hate that you feel hurt by his attraction to someone else. Own up to the fact that that is YOUR problem, not his. Tell him you appreciate that he trusted you enough to admit his attraction to your friend, and let him know you recognize that it was a difficult thing to do to allow himself to be that vulnerable with you. This was him saying to you, "This is who I really am. I want to share that part of myself with you and be 100% honest with you. Please don't hate me for it." He can't help being attracted to other women. It's normal and healthy. Imagine if we exchanged a different body function for our sex drive. Hunger for food, for example. He may prefer your cooking, but if he's out and about and happens to be hungry, do you fault him if his stomach growls when he smells pizza? If he salivates over some chocolate cake? Don't kid yourself, you salivate over chocolate cake, too! Sexual attraction to multiple people is normal, natural, healthy and common to both sexes.

[adamgunn 1,461]

"Don't listen to that bull shit voice in your head it lies."

 

You're right, but it's so damn convincing . . .