Help me get my head around husband swinging with others!

[Swingsoneway 15]

I’m the female half of a couple in our early forties. We started exploring an alternative life style about three years ago.

 

We started with a profile and blog on a sex-dating site and had lots of fun with pictures and contact with other people. It strengthened our relationship and helped us get better at communicating whilst boosting our self-esteem. It has been a good experience all in all. We have had many discussions about what we would like and how far our boundaries go.

 

This is where a problem comes up.

We started going on some dates with single males where obviously the threesome was centered around me which worked out fine. It was a good way to ease into things, it’s fun, I enjoyed and still enjoy it.

 

The thing is, my husband expressed a desire to also experience sex with others, foremost with me and another couple. I didn’t feel ready for this, so instead we started visiting some couples club to see if it was possible to ease into it and get more comfortable with the situation.

My problem is that I have no desire whatsoever to watch my husband have sex with another woman. None. If anything it freaks me out and I don’t know why.

 

Not that I think that he will leave me for another woman and love someone more than me – believe me, we have discussed this over and over again and I know that I would be put on a pedestal should I agree to try this. My husband and I are very different in the way that we think – he’s the curious and adventurous type and I tend to overanalyze and overthink things. You may now think that perhaps it would be better if he went off and tried this on his own, but this new lifestyle is something we do enjoy together and we want to do it together. At the moment, the relationship is only open in one end (mine) and I struggle with the fact that is unfair to my husband, especially since he is the driving force behind this alternative life of ours. At the same time, I am finding it difficult to get my head around this.

 

We have been reading a book on jealousy for open relationships together – not everything there has been relevant, but I can read and understand the different ways of looking upon this, but my gut is still saying no. What should I do? My husband has been nothing but patient and understanding, and he doesn’t want to force me into doing something I don’t want to do, but instead we find ourselves in this kind of “limbo-stage”, stuck in the middle of things. I feel like it is putting me down and therefore has an effect on our alternative life style – my interest is less and my husband feels like he has to come up with all ideas and plans, which in turn is putting him down.

 

Has anyone out there been in a similar situation? How did you get over it?

 

What should I be thinking for me to embrace the idea of us all playing together with another couple with him playing with another woman?

 

Any help would be greatly received.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Welcome...

 

My first question to you is probably a hard one... why do you feel uncomfortable with your husband being with other women? You said it isn't because you are afraid he would leave you, or love someone else, but you didn't say what the issue is. I think if you can understand that, it might help you.

[njbm 2,880]

Maybe the lifestyle is not for you. It is not conventional and it is not for the vast majority of people. You have to enjoy it , too, and if you don't why continue. That said, would you enjoy it if you and your husband participated in separate rooms?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Have you considered that when you meet a couple you head off to one bedroom with the man and he heads off to another bedroom with the woman? If you seeing him with the woman is the problem, then this might work.

 

You see, it works for me. I have no big desire to see a guy fucking my wife. So she skedaddles with the guy off to some place where I do not see. I can also fuck the woman and have no distractions.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

There's really no right or wrong style of swinging, some people are very much into threesomes and it works fine for them. Maybe that will be your style as a couple too once all the dust settles and you find your personal swinging groove, but since there are already some issues that are having to be worked through, then maybe not.

 

You both seem like you keep each other's feelings equal to or maybe even in front of your own, and that's good. When you ask what you should be thinking, then part of it would be just that, taking happiness in seeing him happy. Compersion is the fancy technical term for it in the swinging and poly world's, but it's really just as simple as the old "if he/she is happy, then I'm happy" saying.....as long as it's true and you really mean that of course.

 

Here's maybe one idea. Everyone is different of course, but before we swing with a couple, we have to relate to them as a couple, meaning we both like both of them, both as individuals and the whole cloth they make as a couple. There is no "other woman" or "other man", rather it's Bob & Carol, and you're saying two names but really meaning it as one. The dynamic just has a different feel when you approach it that way.

 

I wouldn't recommend him trying it on his own (or you either) at this point. Swinging separately is something we fairly recently added to our repertoire, and it took years, and even more importantly, the right couple, before we felt comfortable going there. Having the occasional solo playdate with one half of a couple you are already playing with is a fun thing, but I kind of think of it as something that is best slowly worked into, not intentionally jumped into. If the thought of seeing him with another woman while you are right there in the mix too bothers you, then it is certainly going to bother you when you aren't there but know that he is.

[Heatherlynn 78]

I really identify with the situation you describe. I am actually new to this community....this is the first post I have read, and I could have written most of it! My husband and I have been married almost 10 years, and have had some swinging experiences off and on. Our first experiences were with other couples, more same-room sex than anything else. It was a good way to feel out boundaries. My husband is really turned on by seeing me with others, male or female. At first I was reluctant to interact with another man, because I felt the same way that you do about it being unfair that I was not comfortable seeing him with another woman. But he basically said that he finds the experience to be a huge turn on, and even if I never felt ok with him having sex with another woman he was just fine with that. We had some threesomes with other guys, and it was amazing.

 

I think it was a combination of things that finally made me feel ok about him having sex with another woman. The first thing was definitely that he never pressured me, and just enjoyed the experiences we had together. It sounds like you have that, which is great! Part of it was definitely just having time, not moving too quickly, sort of easing into it. When he started interacting with other women, it was small things at first, and I always knew I could stop it if it was pushing my boundaries too far. I never did have to put a stop to anything, and I think that was because we had pretty clear boundaries and expectations going into each situation. I think the next really important thing is having a level of trust with the other people you are with. Recently we got together with one of the couples that we had been with years ago. We were friends with them for a long time before we became "naked friends" and I found that that really helped my comfort level. My husband and I agreed ahead of time that while we were each free to have sex with the other couple, our primary focus would be on each other. I think every couple is different in what swinging brings to their relationship, and for us it is about an experience we have together, so this was important.

 

The first time he was with someone else, it was fine. I still don't find it to be a huge turn on the way he does seeing me with someone else, but I don't find it upsetting either. For me, it helps to be otherwise occupied. So for example he can be kissing me while he is with her, or I can be with the other guy...there are lots of fun options when you are with another couple :-) I focus on the experience as a whole, not just on him being with someone else. My best advice for you would be not to rush anything, and don't put too much pressure on yourself. If you think it is something you want to try, take baby steps. And if you decide it isn't for you, and you guys are having fun swinging one way, then thats fine too!

[MrDiscover 802]

I think those last two sentences are excellent advice! I know it can be really hard and jealousy and guilt and pressure and other feelings can interfere, but taking enough time seems to be the key for us (beginners) too.

[MrDiscover 802]

Btw: välkommen!

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

When we started out there were lots of things that we were both afraid that it would be hard for us to deal with. Taking it slow and having lots of conversations made it so that when we got to those boundaries they seemed almost silly. They completely became a non-issue. Just remember that this is supposed to be fun for both of you. If one person isn't having fun, then stop and take a break. There's no rush, no goal, no finish line. Just fun and enjoyment.

[Swingsoneway 15]

Thanks everyone so much for your replies

 

Lionheart – Thank you, and you are right is is a hard one. I wish I could answer it. It’s also a good point and one I will think deeper about.

 

Njbm & SW PA Couple – Good ideas for sure but I fear that if we do something separate my mind will be racing with all the things I think might be happening. The thought is terrible to be honest I think I would feel safer knowing what's going on.

 

Cplnuswing – Thanks so much for your insight and understanding. I really see where you are coming from. We have read a little about compersion I guess I’m just trying to feel it. Your recommendations make a lot of sense.

 

Heatherlynn – It’s so nice that you relate. Thank you for sharing so much. I feel like I need someone like to you talk to sometimes! I feel like you also say a lot of things that make sense. It's reasuring to know that someone else out there has felt the same and over come it. 

 

MrDiscover, Thanks for the support and Tack så mycket för varmt välkommen

 

GoldCoCouple thanks, sound advice, I guess we have been backwards and forwards with this for over a year, It’s hard to know where to begin with the baby steps and how long it goes on before it starts to take the fun out of it.

It’s making the jump of seeing him interact with other women that’s the hard part.

 

E x

[Heatherlynn 78]

Swingsoneway, it was nice to come here and immediately relate to someone elses experience. This seems like a very supportive community. One other thing I meant to mention is that after I was with other guys, it didn't make me feel any differently about my husband. If anything, it made me feel closer to him from having shared such a great experience. So when I think of him with another woman, I try to frame it that way. We love each other and love doing these exciting things together....and if I can have sex with someone else without it changing my feelings, then I am confident that he can too. Knowing you can trust someone and then having them prove you right is an amazing feeling!

 

One practical piece of advice if you do find yourself in a situation where you want to stretch your boundaries a bit, try having his first interactions with the other woman involve you as well. Doing that helped me keep the feeling of being connected, and then I started feeling ok with pushing the boundaries a little more each time. There were several sessions of him having progressively more interaction with her before we actually did a full swap. I wish you lots of luck and lots of fun figuring out what works for you!

[MacNfries 123]

I think it hass been known for a long time that men and women simply don't look at things in the same way. Back in 2002 my wife and I were vacationing on the Gulf coast and were laying out at the pool overlooking the gulf waters. My wife often takes reading material for when she sunbathes, and on this trip she had John Gray's paperback book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". I'd heard of it and its popularity, but didn't really get interested until my wife kept laughing and reading aloud some of the text from the book. I had to admit John Gray's analysis of the psychological differences in the way men and women look at issues and solve problems was quite correct. Its not specific to "swinging", but to the way we think, which makes it applicable to a lot of issues and challenges we run into with the opposite sex.

 

Anyways, I might suggest you read an overview of the book, possibly the book itself, to understand why you have the issue you have. The book is even available in pdf format so you can read it on-line. Your specific concern is not unreasonable, but is resolvable.

 

[krazykittrell88 15]

I'm new here. I also relate to how you feel. The thing is, my husband and I have been together 17 years, he's spent a significant amount of time in jail. To keep this short, almost every time, I move in with a guy and tell him we're done. He's never been with another female even though this last time I told him to. So needless to say there's trust issues among self esteem and worth issues on both sides. He's telling me the only way he's going to feel equal is a ffm threesome and I have to participate. He believes I'm in the closet cuz i had a near experience drunk once. Point is I'm not sure if I can ever wrap my mind around all this to try. he's pushing me to this swapping and because i hear about how much I hurt him every single night for hours before sex and he sleeps, I finally agreed. I'm really scared that I won't be able to be with him anymore if I'm even able to get that far. He says I need to feel what he did even though I don't love him unconditionally, I couldn't be with 5 others if I truly loved him. Any help or should I just throw in the towel?

[padoc 1,703]

He committed crimes, got convicted and went to jail on multiple occasions and somehow you owe him a FFM? The "Krazy" in your name should be followed by a period. My suggestion is to get counseling, move out of state and leave no forwarding address. As Dr Laura says, "between now and dead, is this how you want to live"?

[lcmim 1,082]

Any help or should I just throw in the towel?

 

Nothing in what you wrote sounds even remotely healthy.

 

padoc is right . Get out of Dodge and do not look back.

 

NOW.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

krazykittrell88: Swinging is about love trust and communication...you lack all three. That he is telling you what you MUST do is even more evidence of this. Swinging is the sprinkles on top of a great relationship but it WILL ALWAYS destroy a weak one by exposing the cracks that exist. DO NOT GO FORWARD. This relationship is already bad, anything else will end it. Run...run fast, don't look back.

[krazykittrell88 15]

I don't have to, but he believes he can't heal unless h

[padoc 1,703]

Some relationships can't be fixed and neither can some people, even when faced with truth and honesty from uninvolved observers. Krazy, you've received the best advice you'll ever get in the last 15 posts yet your incomplete post above appears that you're making more excuses for the guy. That is indicative of a bad relationship. Good luck, you're going to need it.

[Jane1902 476]

As a single female I would want no part of this. Most people stay away from drama and prefer to play with healthy couples.

[couplers 4,654]

... My problem is that I have no desire whatsoever to watch my husband have sex with another woman. None. If anything it freaks me out and I don’t know why.

 

Not that I think that he will leave me for another woman and love someone more than me – believe me, we have discussed this over and over again and I know that I would be put on a pedestal should I agree to try this... You may now think that perhaps it would be better if he went off and tried this on his own, but this new lifestyle is something we do enjoy together and we want to do it together. At the moment, the relationship is only open in one end (mine) and I struggle with the fact that is unfair to my husband, especially since he is the driving force behind this alternative life of ours. ..

At first, I was in a situation similar to yours: I had a boyfriend and a husband who were both monogamous with me. This didn't bother them at all, especially since I made a point not to deprive them of sex whenever and however they wanted it. And the situation made me feel great, empowered. What bothered me was when other women would flirt with my husband or compliment him to me. I became jealous. So when a girlfriend of mine said hubby must be great to sleep with, I said, "It can be arranged."

 

When it happened, I didn't get to watch, still it hurt like hell, but I was hooked. When like the third girl I set him up with let me watch, it hurt still more and I wanted it more. The next girl (at the time we were still "girls" ) wanted me to participate, it took the edge off my jealousy and I developed a Lesbian side. It all led to a poly family with my husband, my boyfriend and two other women, and I am happy.

 

So my advice is to face your fear head on. Jealousy can be your friend.