Challenges moving from unicorns to couples...

[Swede69 15]

My husband and I have been in the lifestyle for a little over 2 years. It all started as a way for me to explore my bi-sexual side. In the first year of exploring, we attended a few different local clubs, met a few people through SLS or AFF, and found a few unicorns to hook up with as well - all went quite well - no issues at all, and we've made some GREAT friends (couples, singles, etc.) because of it.

 

Last year, a couple sparked our interest, and came on pretty strong to us. We decided - what the hell... let's do it! We've talked a lot, we've experienced a little, and neither of us are REALLY sure how we feel about things until the situation presents itself. So, after exchanging emails/texts/etc. for about 2 weeks, we made plans to meet them for dinner/drinks, and then head to their house in the mountains if all went well. They knew that they would be our first full swap and were not pushy at all. The entire atmosphere was very charged, and we were all into it. We went back to their place, and split up into two rooms (within earshot, but not physically in the same room). Everything started out great, but then my husband had a momentary hiccup. He had "finished" a bit early and was gearing up to go again, but now the sounds of the other husband and I in the next room distracted him. He couldn't "perform" at this point. No biggie - the wife came and tapped me on the shoulder, I went in... he assured me that he's okay. I asked if he wanted to go - he said no. So we just took a break. We ended up not being able to go back at it, but that's okay - and they were more than understanding. It happens. As we've found, more often that we thought.

 

We then took a bit of a break - focusing more on communicating with each other - which was the best thing we could've done. After a few months of hiatus, and a TON of discussions, we ended back at the club. We realized that we probably just put WAY too much pressure on ourselves "scheduling" this event, working up to it, and then not wanting to disappoint anyone by pulling the plug. We both agreed that if we had been at a club, in the same mind frame, with other sounds, music, activities, etc. happening around us, that the outcome probably would have been much different. However, in their living room, if you suddenly find yourself unable to participate - it's a bit awkward to sit in silence and just listen in. I totally get it.

 

Now it's current day - we've still played with single females, and every time we go out (1 -2 times/month) to the club, I try to nudge my husband a bit more... to feel out his comfort levels. We are VERY open communicators, and look at THAT as the absolute BEST part of this lifestyle. We have no secrets, and have complete open and honest dialog with each other.

 

In an effort to nudge him a bit, I've encouraged him to play solo - the last time we went to the club, I told him to go and get 'em... He picked out a lady (that we knew through acquaintances), and they went off. It did not bother me one bit, as I feel secure in the fact that we are going home together - and we will ALWAYS have a highly active and sexually charged life together. NO jealousy issues here.

 

So here is my question... I want to graduate past this speed bump that we've hit. But I'm afraid to push him too hard. I've mentioned that I'm more gravitated towards men than women, and finding single women is sometimes difficult... and his response is usually - "I don't know how I will react until I'm in that situation" or "Let's just see how the night goes"

 

How do I gently nudge him? I certainly don't want to push him farther than he wants to venture, but my nudging has been the reason we are in this lifestyle in the first place, and we've both had a great time so far. We have made some GREAT friends with many couples, many of which are getting to that stage where the question of play IS going to come up... and I'm inclined to say yes - but don't want to push him... so men - please... give me some advice here

[angelkin 1,326]

I'm not a guy, but I can say that my efforts to push or "nudge" my now ex-husband were well-received, but not successful. When he was having trouble with performance issues, I encouraged him to seek separate play and more apart encounters, but it really didn't help. Matter of fact, I think it made things worse and made him focus more on his failures and challenges to the point of making swinging no longer fun together or apart.

 

Can you flip the situation in your mind and imagine how you'd feel in his shoes - if he was encouraging you and pushing you to swing or make decisions and effort toward enjoying swinging more? For me, that would make me less interested and undervalued.

 

Guys? What say you?

[Swede69 15]

Valid point that I had not considered. I certainly don't want to push him into an uncomfortable situation.

 

He has mentioned that he truly doesn't feel he would have any issues and even suggested separate room play at the club or the total group area experience. I've just not had the guts to take the reigns and encourage that to happen.

[AskMeOk 148]

We say you are incredibly insightful and spot on.....

[angelkin 1,326]

Valid point that I had not considered. I certainly don't want to push him into an uncomfortable situation.

 

He has mentioned that he truly doesn't feel he would have any issues and even suggested separate room play at the club or the total group area experience. I've just not had the guts to take the reigns and encourage that to happen.

 

Checking in on you - how are things going?

[Swede69 15]

We're still "going" :-). At a slow pace, but that's ok. we actually spent last night at a house party and he played with one of the unicorns there...solo. I'm not bothered by it at all, in fact I seem to encourage it. It's tough not knowing what he's thinking (he doesn't really know himself), but I don't push him into anything. I'm just laying back to let him have some fun and feel out his own comfort zone.

 

~signed "patiently waiting"

[MacNfries 123]

Am I understanding correctly that your husband's erectile issue, you think, is because he may have psych problems with you being with other men?

 

If so, why not concentrate on MMF's until you see that he's become comfortable with you being with other men?

 

My wife & I found the threesomes a lot easier to arrange and have overall positive results than with couple swaps. Unfortunately, with the FFM's, about half the time the females were interested in FF and my wife is really not all that into FF's.

 

It most definitely sounds like a little mind problem (bump as you say), but it's an annoyance 'till it's resolved.

 

Also, have you considered possibly using an erectile pills?

[angelkin 1,326]

We're still "going" :-). At a slow pace, but that's ok. we actually spent last night at a house party and he played with one of the unicorns there...solo. I'm not bothered by it at all, in fact I seem to encourage it. It's tough not knowing what he's thinking (he doesn't really know himself), but I don't push him into anything. I'm just laying back to let him have some fun and feel out his own comfort zone.

 

~signed "patiently waiting"

 

Sometimes patiently waiting can be hard, but it's often the best course. I'm glad to hear things seem to be working out slowly.

 

I can understand him not knowing what he's thinking. My ex would say the same thing...that he didn't know what the issue was, couldn't figure out how to fix it. It wasn't the only thing (but certainly a contributor) in our separation that he didn't or couldn't express himself to me in this regard. It became a wedge between us, his unwillingness to explore his own feelings as well as share any insights with me.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I think this situation is a good case of how "going at the pace of the slowest partner", which I totally agree with, doesn't have to mean totally sitting back and waiting, but instead can (and should) include talking and maybe even some gentle nudges along the way. People approach things in different ways, some are charge full steam ahead no matter what and no matter who is in front of them leading or behind them following, and others prefer to let someone else take the lead. Neither approach is right or wrong, it's just the difference in people, and being more of a follower doesn't mean you aren't totally on board with what is going on, it just means you don't want to lead the way.

 

In this case I think the OP took the best approach and gave plenty of space and time, but also made sure to keep talking and even some nudging too. No guarantee of success on anything, but the better the approach, the better the odds of success.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I would say head to the club, find a couple that sparks your interest and use that as the "nudge" - "hey babe, let's see what happens" and then find out. Only one way to really know.

[luvin eye full 140]

So from the way i read your post you are the main one to want to “swing” at the start - right?

and it was only with girls - but then some thing changed and you started with a cupola - who’s idea was that and why?

( i get that you guys talked about it before doing anything but who brought it up )

 

So i get eventually you two said what the hell lets do it and you are right that “neither of us are REALLY sure how we feel about things until the situation presents itself.”

so you took ago at it then you say “then my husband had a momentary hiccup. He had "finished" a bit early” ??? a bit early for who ? you, the other husband the other wife?

This is were i see it all going to hell sorry - even if you are the best communicator in the world - when some one feels like they have let every one down depending on there type they may not say to much at all.

 

so why would this happen “ it's a bit awkward to sit in silence and just listen in. I totally get it. “ what ? do you mean the only choice at that stage when he could not get it going was to sit by him self while his wife and the other wife went back to the other husband? or you both could just leave.

i just do not get what or how it got to that type of thinking.

 

any way the rest of your post while honest and i see your thinking is just - well i have no words.( oh man maybe lol )

 

So lets look at it from his point.

 

You wanted to explore girls - he says ok - you did that - did he join in?

( you ) wanted to explore cupolas - he said ok - but was shown that he did not measure up according to your post and the things already mentioned.

You then tried to focus more on communication - and you think it’s great - and to your understanding he agree’s ?

You both think it would of been different in a club - i doubt it very much given the way it paned out - but did you ever try it?

so you then think it wood be good to “nudge him to get some “ because your ok with it, and he went did it go well?

So the next thing you tell him is that you actually like screwing men more then chicks - when did you tell him this? and you do not get any red flags with is response?

 

Lastly and here’s the crunch - you “nudged” him into ti, wihch you other wise you may not of even done this - WOW i would say you pushed him into it and he thinks he is a failure to you.

Have you even read what you posted about every thing he’s gone though thing to please you? and you think you two have had fun so far?

 

This is what is happening -

your man is telling you what you want to here because he thinks your going to drop him if he does not do it and now he has proven that he is not the best anymore because of the above problems ,

this makes his dick go down or even not up at all because he is now freaked out that you are just want to fuck other men to replace his bad love making and he does it all with a smile to hide it from you ( because you will not pick up on his unwillingness for swinging. )

so he tries and go along with it but says well lets see what happens - your fix is to make him go after girls solo - thats nice but he thinks if he does that he will be out the way so you can find a real man to screw.

 

What options does he really have let other guys screw his wife longer and better then him or lose her. ( and lets face it you now want to screw guys when you said you wanted girls )

 

Sorry to be so straight forward but that’s it - you have not taken into account his feelings and now he is trapped - and you know what he loves you more then you know and he is shit scared.

 

read your post and swap him for you and tell us who you would feel.

 

I think you love your husband very much and that’s the only reason i posted back to you. stop every thing and be happy with what you have.

[Swede69 15]

It’s been a while since I checked this site and just noticed your response. Since it’s been about two years... I figured I would offer an explanation (for the last post) and update.

 

Maybe my initial post was a bit scattered. I mentioned that we met a couple & we BOTH were interested in the two of them. I certainly did not push my husband into this situation. Quite the contrary, as it was his idea to create a dialogue with them and his call to make a “date”.

 

Yes - we got into the lifestyle for me to explore my bisexual feelings, but it was always known that I am naturally attracted to men as well. Very early on we discussed expanding our interests and exploring other types of interactions.

 

We found ourselves often at clubs & parties where men were expressing interest and I was politely declining. That was ok! I never pressured my husband to move in that direction, only once mentioned in a de-brief that I was “bobbing & weaving” from so & so all night, as they weren’t really understanding my stance. My husband reacted by suggesting that I entertain the idea but I wanted our first experiences to happen together...as a couple.

 

So when the situation above came to be, my husband was in the drivers seat the entire time.

 

As a follow up... 2+ years later... we’ve had many more experiences (mfm, separate room play, orgy... actually the only thing we have NOT done is the situation from the OP) and are absolutely great! We both work at our local club and consider the lifestyle a great compliment to our already awesome love life. We’ve made some great friends (including the couple from the OP) and have gained strength from the open and honest level of communication that is the backbone to our involvement in this lifestyle