Yikes. Our kids discovered our sex toys...now what?

[curiousones27 15]

Help! Our eleven year old daughter just informed us that she saw something she didn't think she was supposed to see. She was looking for socks and ended up snooping through all the drawers in our bedroom and discovered our toy collection. We are not sure about how to broach the topic of sex toys with a child this age and were hoping someone may have experience with something like this. There was not time to discuss it with her at the time and she was told we would have to talk about it some other time. She has since informed her 12 yr old brother that Mom has a rubber "dingy" in her drawer. Help ........we don't want to lie to our children and have already discussed sex with them, but not sex toys. Any ideas?

[Tantra 48]

Unfortunately I cannot offer any help because we do not have children.

 

However, your dilemma has gotten me thinking about the future. I think that it would make the most sense for us to teach our future children from day 1 to not be ashamed about sexuality. They would view as normal, things such as nudity, sex, and sexual aids (videos, toys, etc). They would, of course, know the difference between the "normal" world and our world - children are very perceptive and learn easily.

[wrnakedru 38]

Originally posted by curiousones27 Help! Our eleven year old daughter just informed us that she saw something she didn't think she was supposed to see. She was looking for socks and ended up snooping through all the drawers in our bedroom and discovered our toy collection.

 

I raised two daughters with my first husband. This husband and I received custody of his daughter and we raised his nephew as our son. So I have encountered most situations more than once.

 

The first item on the agenda is this: install a dead bolt lock [keyed] either on your bedroom door, or your closet door - but find somewhere to keep anything and everything you do not wish your children to view. If you do not, you may rest assured they will view it - individually, together, and most likely show what they have discovered to their friends as well. They are curious now - and are only going to get more curious as they get older especially since your reaction confirmed she "saw something she didn't think she was supposed to see."

 

BTW, we recommend the keyed lock on the bedroom door. It not only leaves your room yours privately, but keeps your clothes from getting "borrowed" without permission in your absence. And no! this does not convey a lack of trust to them - it removes the lure of temptation from them while retaining your right to privacy. It also means you don't have to constantly be sure you have returned everything to a designated "hidey hole" each and every time you have gotten them out. That's a nagging worry and pressure you need not impose on yourself. A locked door takes care of that for you.

 

This is one of those life situations where the best defense is a good offense. It is my opinion that you should not discuss the objects she has seen, or even directly refer to them with her. At this age - and stage of maturity, she lacks the capacity and scope of experience to ingest the information anyway. Truthfully, what they are - even the fact they exist, much less that you have them - is, bluntly, none of her business. So I believe an attempt at that discussion is erroneous.

 

The tact that should be taken is a discussion of privacy - and your right to that privacy. You don't say, but it sounded as if she took it upon herself to go through your drawers. Is that right? Did you tell her to go look for clean socks in your room, since she was unable to find any clean ones of her own? If there was no discussion by her, or permission from you - she has violated your privacy. You additionally need to tell her that you respect her privacy and expect the same from her. Let her know you do not search through her room without her permission and/or her presence. [if you have done this, you need to stop - unless and until she has given you reason/suspicion that you NEED to do so]

 

The main thrust of the conversation with her needs to be about the "family" as a functional unit - and each having their roles to play, responsibilites, privileges and rights. You can even go into how over the years the definition of each of these items has changed. That when she was an infant, her "rights" were greater/of a higher level than yours, since she was not capable of fulfilling any of her own needs. Her right to be fed, and diapered, and held - were more important, even superceded, your right to a good nights rest for instance.

 

And that she still has a right to expect to have a place to sleep, clothes to wear, food to eat - and that you and your husband accepted the responsiblity to provide those things for her when you had her. Although she and her brother have similar [to each other] rights, with the "higher" responsilibities you and hubby have as parents, you also have the higher rights. You "make the rules" for the family. You and hubby each have expectations of each other, and rights. You together have expectations of her and her brother and the right to expect them to adhere to the rules you set for them.

 

I don't need to go chapter and verse through that entire discussion. You undoubtedly were on the receiving end of it as a child as many times as I was, so you know the words by heart - and which ones you have chosen to incorporate into part of your family unit now.

 

We are not sure about how to broach the topic of sex toys with a child this age and were hoping someone may have experience with something like this.

 

As discussed earlier, it is our recommendation you do NOT "broach" this topic. If she attempts to, do not allow the discussion. Tell her that is not the issue being discussed. You could further state you are now and will always be willing to discuss any topics of concern or question she may have but you have no intention now or ever of discussing any topic that is simply private, or unnecessary to discuss with her. Her curiosity does not make a topic necessary. Only a rational reason for a topic can make it necessary. There is no rational reason for a child to be made aware of the sex lives of their parents. It is therefore, not an appropriate topic of discussion. Period.

 

If she came home from school and said "My friend Sabrina called Tommy a dildo. What's a dildo?" That is an appropriate topic of discussion; a definition of a dildo should be given. If the child is old enough to already possess the foundation of knowledge to comprehend, it is even quite acceptable to define the usages of a dildo.

 

This is a very different sort of discussion than saying "What you found in my drawer is called a dildo. And this is what we use it for, and how we use it. etc etc" That is, at damned near any age, an inappropriate conversation to have with your child IMHO.

 

There was not time to discuss it with her at the time and she was told we would have to talk about it some other time.

 

And that is what you will be doing - discussing the only item(s) in this situation that are appropriate and/or necessary to discuss .

 

She has since informed her 12 yr old brother that Mom has a rubber "dingy" in her drawer.

 

I would probably leave that out of the discussion. Kids are gonna talk about things. Often they are quite ignorant about the things they are discussing. That situation will resolve itself. I find no reason to make it a part of the talk you have with your daughter.

 

Help ........we don't want to lie to our children and have already discussed sex with them, but not sex toys.

 

This is NOT lying to your daughter. It is the simple refusal to discuss that which is unnecessary and/or inappropriate to discuss when it is in reference to your privacy, and her invasion thereof.

 

Any ideas?

 

That's what you've gotten. Based on the experiences of raising 3 girls and a boy who have [knock wood] turned out to be [mostly] grownups with reasonably level heads and families of their own. We have a total of 8 grandchildren in our "blended" family.

 

We do find great enjoyment in the freedom of our now "empty nest".

[bear_n_bunny 43]

I've taken a slightly different approach with my daughter, who is 12 BTW. My policy has always been if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to hear the honest answer. The answer has always been toned down for her age, but at least she knows mom won't fudge things for her. As well, it's not just the facts mom gives her, but the whole respect and responsibility aspect that seems to be missing from a majority of sexual education.

 

My theory is, anything you don't want kids to know, to see, to learn about, is the first thing they'll encounter when your not there. I'd rather my daughter learn it from me. While the subject of sex is still a matter of high interest for her, it isn't a burning curiosity that will get her into a situation she might not be ready for.

 

Anyway, the point is that my daughter has seen, more than once, my bathtub toy. First I told her it was massager, that was not sufficient, so then I explained I used it for masturbation. She was definitely sorry she asked. The funny part is that during a conversation this weekend, it seems she'd forgotten the whole thing.

 

It certainly isn't the toy drawer, which I think wrnakedru solution of the lock is the one to go with. We're having new doors installed and you can bet there will be more than one door with a lock on it.

 

However you decide to handle the situation, the most important thing I've found is never to give a clue it's something you are embarrassed about. Children can smell fear.

[OhioCouple 41]

As posted by wrnakedru:

The first item on the agenda is this: install a dead bolt lock [keyed] either on your bedroom door, or your closet door - but find somewhere to keep anything and everything you do not wish your children to view.

This is the only thing I disagree with. I think locking off your bedroom is the wrong thing to do. Having raised three children, one of the things I taught them was respect for my privacy and I always respected theirs. Sure they stumbled on things from time to time, that I wish they hadn't, but they never snooped, just for the kicks, grins and giggles of it. Locking off your room would only make them more curious than ever, as if you had something *evil* to hide.

 

Granted my children are older (the youngest is 20) but we have had two incidences that had to be addressed in their adult hood. The first being when my youngest had to stay here one night as she was too tired to drive home. She asked if she could borrow a night shirt, which I just said, "Of course, help yourself". We thought we had put away anything sexual...but alas, we hadn't. Not only was the lube sitting out on the hubby's nightstand, I never thought about the clothes that I kept in my dresser drawers. She evily came out while we were watching the news and said... "Shall I wear this...or do you think THIS one?" Holding up one of my 'racier' outfits. Hubby darn near had a coranary, I was the poster child from embarassment. About all I could muster up was that she was too pregnant for THAT garment and I didn't want her to stretch it out.

 

The second incident was when the same evil child arrived here early one day and I had the Swingersboard up on the screen. She saw it and questioned me about it, but not until after she got home and looked into it. Hence the reason I no longer use my name on this board. Basically what I told her, when questioned, was that there are some things that are private, I had never pried into her private journals, which were hidden all over the house, (she writes) and I knew that if she chose to share it with me, she would. I asked for the same respect from her. To the best of my knowledge, she has respected my wishes.

 

The thing is, in the situation with your daughter, be honest. If you aren't comfortable telling her more, then don't. And let her know why, whether it is inappropiate for her age or just flat out none of her business. But to not address the situation is not good. I think 12 is a little young for a girl to know about sex toys, however you know your daughter best. If you feel it is inappropriate for her age, then let her know that, and when she gets older and has some questions you will be happy to answer them. Most of all, ask her to respect your privacy....but make sure you respect hers too. Set the example.

 

That's what worked for me, anyway. Three grown kids later....it still works.

[curiousones27 15]

Thanks for those who responded. We had been considering a lock on the door for some time and now I guess we need to go ahead and install one. We had already discussed the privacy issue, just not what was seen and I guess we will leave it at that, since they are so young.

[Tantra 48]

We also need to remember, every insecurity we have and everything we are ashamed of is passed on to our children. It is a hurtful legacy, imo.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

I have to disagree with OhioCouple and wrnakedru, although for different things.

 

As Bunny has mentioned, we are about to remodel our home. One of the things we are doing is having new doors (and doorknobs) installed throughout the house. I have checked (we are going with Schlage locks, as we have been reliably told they are very good for the price, and believe me, when remodeling, price is everything) and they have regular indoor doorknobs with the usual pushbutton locks, for bedrooms and baths, but they also have keyed indoor knobs as well. This is where I disagree with Ms. wrnakedru. A deadbolt lock is just a wee bit too ostentatious for anything short of a gun closet in the average home.

 

Not only is a deadbolt on your bedroom door going to attract a lot of unwelcome attention from your kids, any friends or relatives who come over and happen to walk past your bedroom and see it are also going to wonder what in the hell you have in there that warrants a deadbolt lock on your bedroom door. I'm sure you can see the opportunity for all sorts of embarrassing questions from others besides your kids.

 

I recommend you do what Bunny and I are going to do. That is, get a keyed indoor doorknob for your bedroom. You can lock the room down so as to keep the kids out, but this sort of knob will not attract as much attention as a deadbolt. Actually, the original plan was to put the keyed doorknob on my office door, and just keep all our toys and porn in there, safely under lock and key (along with my computer, which is not exactly "kid-friendly" either). But Bunny wants one on the bedroom as well, to keep her daughter out of her makeup, clothes, etc, so we will do both.

 

And here is where I disagree with Ms. OhioCouple. Not only give your kids a lecture about respecting your privacy, for whatever it's worth, but keep your toys locked away in your bedroom as well. This is because the sad fact is, no amount of talking is going to keep your kids from tossing your room if they are so inclined, and it is painfully obvious in this case that curiousone27's kids are (their daughter anyway), based on the original post. (Going through all your drawers looking for a pair of socks? That's total bullshit; that kid was tossing your room, for whatever reason, period.)

 

All I would say to either of your kids at this point, since the cat is decidedly out of the bag now, is that if you catch them rifling through your stuff ever again, you are going to tear them 14 new assholes (it's called "putting the fear of God" in your kids, something that your 11 year old especially, seems to need right now). And also that whatever personal items you have in your bedroom are none of their business, now or in the future.

 

And put that keyed lock on your bedroom door, and make sure the key works only in that one lock.

 

As an aside, I know it was mentioned putting the lock on your closet door, which is a good idea, as far as it goes. However, the problem with that is you might forget to put something away that you don't want seen, and leave it on your nightstand or the like. For instance, the other day we had the maid come clean house. After they were gone, we went in the bedroom, and what do we find sitting out in the big middle of Bunny's nightstand, but our bottle of Wet (we had used it a few days before and I forgot to put it away). Oops...

 

Something extra to think about anyway...

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Originally posted by Tantra

We also need to remember, every insecurity we have and everything we are ashamed of is passed on to our children. It is a hurtful legacy, imo.

 

I think this is a bit of a stretch in this case. It's not a matter of shame or insecurity (unless you make it so), but rather a matter of the adult's privacy, which they are entitled to, and which the kids are NOT entitled to violate.

 

Also, you have the fact that the more abstruse aspects of adult sexuality (such as sex toys, porn, or activities like swinging) are beyond the purview of an 11 or 12 year old child. As has been pointed out, kids that age are not mentally or emotionally mature enough to process this kind of information.

 

Sure, by this time you can explain to them the basics of human sexuality and reproduction, but that's about all. At that age, the average kid is going to barely have a handle on (pun intended) masturbating themselves, if even THAT much in some cases. Trying to understand all the ramifications of Mom's "Doc Johnson Turbo Tickler (with afterburner)" vibrator, or her Long John Holmes Dildo of Death (Patent Pending), is apt to be beyond his/her understanding.

 

Better to hold off on that sort of thing until the kids have a few more years under their belts.

[bill&sabrina 22]

This wouldn't be a problem if more people were more like Tantra. We feel the same as he does. Bear_n_bunny seem to be on the right track also.

[NightGoddess 16]

I agree with Bear_N_Bunny here; the current problem is respect for your privacy.

"---However you decide to handle the situation, the most important thing I've found is never to give a clue it's something you are embarrassed about. Children can smell fear."

 

I completely agree with this statement! The real issue isn't who found what, but who was snooping. Your daughter is changing the issue from 'I was in your stuff without permission' to 'Guess what I found!!!' --- and she noticed. or felt, your reaction.....THAT'S what makes the issue so powerful for all of you.

 

Stand your ground and completely dismiss/ignore any inkling of concern that she found anything more innocuous than a package of Oreo Cookies. I've hidden candy bars from the kids when they were little (my stash of 1 Mounds bar, to eat whenever...) and you'd have thought they found the a pipe-bomb signed by the Unibomber Himself!

 

I've got 3 kids, and one of my daughters is very good at the 'bait and switch' regarding some topics. It's just her way of pushing at authority, or whatever. Focus on the behavior, not the specifics, and forget she found anything you are embarrassed about. I promise that one day the kids will know you have a locked box or safe, or room, or whatever.....and will be curious about why it's locked.

 

The real 'lock' that needs to function here is mutual trust: she trusts you NOT to read her diary, or listen over the phone extension to her conversations.....and you trust her to be respectful of your privacy. Remember, Mom and Dad, you are not on trial here. If she is curious about anything, find out what she was looking for....really. She might be curious about you in a generic sense, as all kids are about their parents.

 

Time to whip out the Academy Award Performance that you don't care what she found. Your private life is nobody's business but your own.

 

"(Going through all your drawers looking for a pair of socks? That's total bullshit; that kid was tossing your room, for whatever reason, period.)"--- Yep, I agree with B&B here too; your daughter was tossing your room. She's seen everything, but it was without your consent. Again, that's where the problem lies. The rest is another issue.

 

I mean to make curiousones27 feel better about privacy, boundaries and limits, and I hope this helps

 

Someday, you will laugh about this one! Hopefully soon!

[Weezie 16]

We do not have any children so I have no real advice here. I was just wondering when a child comes across something that he's not supposed to see, would it be better to shield the child and make a huge issue over it (making him scared or ashamed) or laugh it off and make light of it?

 

We do have some friends with 3 young teenagers and yes, they have found mom's toys. Her and her new husband made light of it and told them to stay out of their room. The kids thought it was too funny...the youngest child went and hid the dildo in the oldest one's dresser drawer, only to act like he was looking for socks when he came across it! To get the youngest child back, the oldest blew condoms up and put them all over his bed and then covered his door handle with one! Now, I don't mean to get away from the seriousness of this subject, but this was hilarious when they were telling us about it! LOL! This was classic; even better than the time the middle one found the box to their swing. I'm sure it'll come back to bite me in the butt one day.

[biblonde 22]

Well...I am not gonna offer a lot of advice on this one but this is what happened to me.

 

My oldest son was looking for batteries for something and went into my room looking. Me and my husband were sitting in the living room with his dad (who is a little on the prudish side). When my son walked out with the radio now working. When I asked where he got the batteries from he calmly replied "out of your vibrator in the drawer under your bed (he was 9 at the time and had had a vibrator that is for your back so he didn't think much of it). Off he ran with his radio playing while I turned bright red!!!!! And got a hard look from dad-in-law!!! My hubby just laughed and I left the room.

 

Luckily my son never mentioned it again or asked what it was. The only thing said to him after was to stay out of my stuff...My room is for me and his dad not him to go through.

 

So the advice part...let them know that some things are really none of their business and leave it at that. When they are older believe me they figure it out....my son is now 13 and stays well away from my drawer!! :lol:

[Nymph an' Satyr 22]

Originally posted by biblonde

So the advice part...let them know that some things are really none of their business and leave it at that. When they are older believe me they figure it out....my son is now 13 and stays well away from my drawer!!

 

We too have a 13 year old, and an 11, and 15 year old. Just recently our 13 year old asked us if we were "kinky" as he discovered our "Chinese shag chair" (swing).

 

We are quite sure he shared his discovery with his siblings.

 

Our response:

1. we love each other

2. there is nothing wrong with sex

3. It's NONE OF YOUR business.

 

Seems to have worked.

 

And for what it is worth, the question was not embarrassing, it just isn't his business. Last thing we want is our kids thinking sex is embarrassing...

 

We have discussed getting a locking armoire, and will probably do so. I don't want them finding the whips, ball gags, etc

 

A locking door is not our mentality.

[hfire269 16]

I think that locking your doors will cause more trouble and curiosity... When I was growing up if I had a question about sex or anything along that line it was answered honestly to my maturity level. The toys were always put away in drawers and the magazines where beside the toilet as long as I can remember. I was taught that sex is a natural thing when you are mature enough, and that is not something to be ashamed of.

 

Locking the doors and lying to the kids (no matter what age) is wrong. By doing that it will make them more curious and then they will get into more trouble when they aren't prepared for it. For example my aunt was always told by her mother that when her dad's pants hung on the bedpost another child was born. So when my aunt discovered sex the pants were never hung on the bed post, they where thrown on the floor the first time and she had a child... and didn't understand why. This happened 3 times before someone finally told her why she was getting pregnant. All of that could have been avoided had her mother told her what sex was and what the possibilities are and the risks. Just my 2 cents.

[wrnakedru 38]

Granted , for us, this was more than one issue at stake when we installed the keyed (deadbolt) lock on our bedroom door.

 

At that point, living with us were his 15 year old daughter, the (nephew)son then 21 and my youngest daughter who was 20.

 

My daughter had arranged to have her own phone (separate) phone line put in at the same time our lines were being installed.

 

The other two kids used the "house" phones. We had an answering machine located in the living room. When either of the kids got home from school or work, and the light was blinking on the machine, they listened to the messages. They did not, despite repeated requests, write down any of the messages. Calls that came in later, if they had left again - recorded on top of/and erased the older messages. This had caused us problems on business, financial and social levels more than one time.

 

When we got the lock for the door, we also moved the answering machine into our bedroom.

 

No more "missed" messages!

 

Both the son and hubby's daughter had helped themselves to clothing from our closet on more than one occasion in our absence. They seemed to feel if what they were "borrowing" was something that had been loaned on prior occasions, it was now theirs to borrow from that point forward, despite us having told them that was not the case.

 

Hubby's daughter had most definitely "poked around' in our room and had reported to her mother her findings. While I was having a phone conversation with her mother about some upcoming plans, the woman casually said "I guess [her ex, now my husband] must be glad to have a wife who enjoys the same things he does. I never liked that sort of thing!" I asked what she was speaking of, and she told me that the daughter had told her what she had seen in our bedside table drawer.

 

I would, if given the opportunity to repeat the experience, again install the keyed lock on our bedroom door. I just would do it sooner.

 

Additionally, I never suggested that curiousones27 LIE to their child. I said the focus needed to be on the child's invasion of their privacy, and that was the issue for discussion. I stand by my statement that an 11 year old lacks the maturity and scope of life experience for a discussion of "sex toys." A 4 year old child is capable of asking what "fuck" means but that doesn't mean you should paint the mental picture for them.

 

If any person without children wants to philosophically theorize I have endowed my children with a hurtful legacy born of my insecurities and shame, so be it.

 

Self-styled experts who mouth directions from a vantage point lacking vista seldom produce roadmaps of value.

[OhioCouple 41]

Originally posted by wrnakedru

I stand by my statement that an 11 year old lacks the maturity and scope of life experience for a discussion of "sex toys." A 4 year old child is capable of asking what "fuck" means but that doesn't mean you should paint the mental picture for them.

I whole heartedly agree with this. None of mine at that age would have been able to understand the scope of what 'sex toys' were. In addition to the fact that I wouldn't have been wanting to explain it to them either.

 

In your case tho, wrnakedru, you had combined essentially three families, yours, his and his nephew and I can understand why a lock would be considered. Ya'll hadn't raised them from the get go...together. Youv'e got a minimum of five different personalities with different rearing. Curiousones27 do not say if this is their child together, but I am drawing off that assumption that she is as they said "our daughter". Therefore I based my posting on how I raised my children.

 

Mr. O, never had children, so we didn't per se combine households and never encountered the problems that you ran into, by combining yours. However, Mr. O has insisted that we lock off certain things as it makes him very nervous that my children could come across it. He has settled down some in regards to this, but at one point I think he would have made Ft. Knox look like a cake walk for breaking and entering.

 

After the incident with the clothing and the finding out of this website, by my youngest, I had a talk with her about respecting our privacy and not flaunting it in our faces. She loves Mr. O with all her heart and he loves her. Teasing about this kind of stuff was just out of the question, and she understands that now.

 

Again, it goes back to age and what they are able to comprehend, as to how much you should tell them or if you should just let them know to respect your privacy.

[NightGoddess 16]

"If any person without children wants to philosophically theorize I have endowed my children with a hurtful legacy born of my insecurities and shame, so be it.

 

Self-styled experts who mouth directions from a vantage point lacking vista seldom produce roadmaps of value." ---wrnakedru

 

 

--- I missed something here: I've read this topic and replies three times and don't see anyone passing judgment on anyone else.....I've read differing ways of handling the issue of privacy, all of which sound like they work fine for the folks sharing them...right?

 

What are you referring to? Would you please clarify? Thanks!

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Blending families is harder than getting a reluctant wife to swing. Heck, even when Bear and I weren't blended there was the issue my daughter sharing her discoveries and the endless grief it caused. We really don't want my ex to get a 12-year-old's version of what we keep in bedroom. I've had enough grief just from here retelling my sex talks to her aunts and other kids and other kids parents. The lesson of oversharing was learned early on by her when these tales blew up in her face. Nothing like getting called in for telling another kid what a condom is? She finally understood it is up to each parent to explain this stuff to their kids.

 

Now, have been a 12 year old and up, I'm going to stand behind the lock on the door. I don't mean to diss anyone's child and am only going by my experience, but kids can be pretty self centered. I know I didn't get why it was wrong to go thru my mothers stuff and borrow whatever I wanted. I know my daughter still gets in and ruins my make-up no matter how many conversations about respect we have. A lock simply takes away temptation and most of the problems that come with it.

[bccpl77 15]

Originally posted by bear_n_bunny

A lock simply takes away temptation and most of the problems that come with it.

 

I am only going from my experience growing up, but when my mom started locking things it made me more curious and by the age of 12 there wasn't a lock in the house I couldn't pick, along with most of the locks at my friends houses. If they are determined, they will find a way in. Personally I think I would have responded better to talk on privacy and respect from the beginning. Again that's just my experience.

[FlyBiNiter 16]

Ohh goody !! An opportunity for me to chime in ! LOL

 

 

We did our "locking up" in stages. His eldest daughter, at the age of 12, started snooping through our drawers, on her mother's instructions, to see what she could find. We, at that point, locked up all the "fun" stuff in our gun safe. When it progressed to the girl not only snooping, after being told not to, but to actually stealing from our room, we installed a locking door knob, and kept our room locked whenever we were outside, or not at home. Now that she is 18, and not in our home, we do not lock the door, but the youngest of his daughters, now 9, is also not allowed in our room. We still keep the goodies locked in the gun safe, and if she follows her older sister's example, and starts snooping, and/or stealing from our room, it will get locked again. I realize this is a bit different from the original poster. We have the ex-wife to contend with. In fact, right after I moved in with him, we had to change the locks on the house, and take away his daugher's key priveleges, because on two occasions, he found his EX in our bedroom snooping, and discovered that she had been let in by his daughter. The point is, there's nothing wrong, IMO, with locking your room, IF you need to. In the case of the toys, it's not that difficult or inconvenient to put them away when you are done with them. Our gun safe is in our room anyway, so instead of putting the toys in a drawer, we put them in there. What we have in our room is none of the child's business, and we see to it that it stays that way. None of her mother's business either.... lol

[BodyScape02 21]

LOL....I remember when a high school buddy of mine found his parents sex toys. Not only did he show his sister, he showed all of us as well!! In fact, I seem to remember him once bringing up to his mother and teasing her about her toys when a few of us guys were there!

 

Me-thinks I'll suggest storing things a little more carefully when I get home...

[wrnakedru 38]

Night Goddess -

You quoted the last two lines of my second post and asked for clarification. I am writing in response to that request.

 

I believe the first response on the thread was from "Tantra" and was more or less "thinking out loud" as he said he does not have children and could not offer suggestions. But the topic has caused him to consider such a situtation, and the handling of it.

 

Among the responses that followed were a few from folks either whose children are still quite young and/or from those who have not yet had a similar situation to deal with.

 

While I would agree with the "theory" that we, because of our own viewpoints, pass these to our children [stated in a subsequent post by Tantra] I do not think this situation is about sexual attitude. I believe the crux of the situation is about privacy and respect from others regarding that privacy. That is the lesson that needs to be gleaned by the child, not the definition of the sex toys or their use. I do not believe identifying the problem as such, and dealing with it as such conveys any sort of "shame" on the part of the parents.

 

I do not believe any parent wishes to convey shame or embarassment to their children regarding sex or any other topic. I thought the inclusion of that statement in this thread was misplaced considering the topic [privacy] and could muddy it being treated as such. In fact, since it did not apply here, the remark seemed a rather high-handed judgement by the writer that it did apply.

 

I think it is quite easy to expound on how things should be dealt with but the truest value can be derived from those who have actually "walked in the shoes". Advise from those who have not is simply "theory" and therefore speculative at best.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Originally posted by bccpl77

I am only going from my experience growing up, but when my mom started locking things it made me more curious and by the age of 12 there wasn't a lock in the house I couldn't pick, along with most of the locks at my friends houses. If they are determined, they will find a way in. Personally I think I would have responded better to talk on privacy and respect from the beginning. Again that's just my experience.

Rusty

 

Oh, we've had the talk about privacy and respect; every time we have the talk when she gets in my stuff. Right now she's just getting into my makeup and jewelry, another reason for the locks. You are correct bccpl77, if she does decide to pick them she will, however there won't be any wiggle room if she gets busted.

 

Face it, kids are curious. Locks or no locks, if they want to see something, they'll find a way. It's human nature after all. No matter how much my daughter and I discuss respect and privacy I'm still perfectly fine with no trespassing signs.

 

Again, my concern is not whether my child sees our toys, it whether she discusses it with the rest of the world. Since I've already discussed human sexuality with her, as well as it's many variations, she knows what is behind the lock. The lock is just a reminder that there's hell to pay for going thru it.

[NightGoddess 16]

Originally posted by wrnakedru

Night Goddess -

You quoted the last two lines of my second post and asked for clarification. I am writing in response to that request.

 

I believe the first response on the thread was from "Tantra" and was more or less "thinking out loud" as he said he does not have children and could not offer suggestions. But the topic has caused him to consider such a situtation, and the handling of it.

 

Among the responses that followed were a few from folks either whose children are still quite young and/or from those who have not yet had a similar situation to deal with.

 

Advise from those who have not is simply "theory" and therefore speculative at best.

 

Thanks, hon. I wasn't sure what you were addressing. I appreciate the clarification

[windsor4fun2 130]

We finally put a lock on our bedroom door last year. Not because of snooping, but because our oldest daughter doesn't seem to have enough sense to knock before walking in. She has done this since an early age, she is now 18 and still does it.

 

My wife works steady midnights so it is not unusual for us to de in bed "napping" in the afternoon. In spite of my daughter knowing what we are doing she would constantly come to the door for every little thing. Often she would just open the door. Sometimes she would knock. If we responded to her, she would walk in as if we invited her. If we don't respond she walks in to see if we are there.

 

it didn't matter what we said to her. Her response was always "I was just....". She just didn't understand the privacy issue.

Now with the door locked we haven't had any mad scrambles for blankets in a long time.

[Nymph an' Satyr 22]

It only took our middle son walking into our bedroom while we were in flagrante dilecto to solve the problem. He was much more mortified than us, and he passed the word on to his brothers. Our privacy has been secure ever since Now if I could only get my mother-in-law to knock......

[519Couple 15]

I recall reading a post on another board from a woman who came home from work one day with her Mom to discover that her cat had dragged all her toys out of the closet and scattered them around the house.

 

 

I'd make a pussy joke here, but it's just too easy......

[Tantra 48]

If this is indeed an issue of privacy that we're discussing, then I agree that child raising theory does not apply. However, I was under the impression that it was both. While I agree that, indeed, children should be taught to respect privacy, I also believe that part of the reason this thread exists is that most of us are ashamed of our sexuality with respect to exposure to our children. This thread is titled "Yikes. Our kids discovered our sex toys....now what?" and not "Yikes. Our kids have once again opened our cabinets without permission....now what?"

 

Although the responses to the original post have been mostly stressing the privacy aspect, this does not make the thread only about privacy. We sometimes ignore what we don't want to think about.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Originally posted by bccpl77

I am only going from my experience growing up, but when my mom started locking things it made me more curious and by the age of 12 there wasn't a lock in the house I couldn't pick, along with most of the locks at my friends houses. If they are determined, they will find a way in. Personally I think I would have responded better to talk on privacy and respect from the beginning. Again that's just my experience.

Rusty

 

If you are talking about the usual interior locking knob used on bed/bathrooms, you are right. When I was a kid, I could get through one of those like a hot knife through butter.

 

However, the kind of lock we are going to use, and that we recommend that people with snoopy kids use, is a keyed lock (and only you and the spouse have keys). If your kid can pick THAT, you have much bigger problems than the kid snooping through your bedroom accouterments.

 

Talking about privacy and respect with a kid is all well and good. But as anyone who has read this thread can see, sometimes that simply doesn't work with some kids, and more "active" measures are required. (I still can't get over the kid who let her mother the ex into the house and was caught searching their bedroom...Jesus H. Christ...

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Originally posted by Tantra

If this is indeed an issue of privacy that we're discussing, then I agree that child raising theory does not apply. However, I was under the impression that it was both. While I agree that, indeed, children should be taught to respect privacy, I also believe that part of the reason this thread exists is that most of us are ashamed of our sexuality with respect to exposure to our children. This thread is titled "Yikes. Our kids discovered our sex toys....now what?" and not "Yikes. Our kids have once again opened our cabinets without permission....now what?"

 

Although the responses to the original post have been mostly stressing the privacy aspect, this does not make the thread only about privacy. We sometimes ignore what we don't want to think about.

 

Are you kidding? This isn't about being "ashamed of our sexuality", nor have I detected any hint of it from anyone. It's about adult privacy, and one's children invading that privacy and in so doing, discovering things of a sexual nature that the kid (especially a younger one) is not ready to understand, for the simple reason that they have not lived long enough. THAT'S where the "yikes" comes in.

 

I had no kids before meeting and marrying Bunny, who has, as you all know, a 12-year-old daughter. But since then I have, perforce, learned a lot. I have had a number of discussions with her about sexuality, both with and without Bunny being present (since I'm her new stepdad, and am perceived as neither fish nor fowl insofar as parental unit status is concerned, she's a bit more comfortable asking me about some things than she would be her parents; besides, she knows I'm not going to bullshit her, nor will I swallow any that she comes up with, which is a lot, truth be known... ). She knows everything...and nothing.

 

Sure, her mom has taught her all about the mechanics of sex and reproduction. Plus kids her age (and a lot younger, for that matter) pick up a lot in the media and from other kids, many of whom know more about sex at 12 or 13 than I did at 17. And she has even found one of her mom's vibrators, and now knows what it's used for. But I can tell you she really does not understand it.

 

In another few years, she will be old and mature enough to understand at least some of what Bunny and I do sexually. But not now. And even then, what we do or don't do sexually is still none of the kid's business, or anyone else's for that matter.

 

And this is not a matter of "shame". It is a matter of privacy and PERSONAL activities. Swingers, of all people, probably have the least issues of sexual shame of any group. We have to, because of the activities in which we engage with each other.

 

But, is this information, your swinging and the sorts of sexual acts you engage in information that you just hand out willy-nilly? I don't think so. Why? Because it's PRIVATE and PERSONAL.

 

Take masturbation. We all do it, every last one of us. It's discussed here all the time. I do it, and so does Bunny, nor are we ashamed of it. But are you going to talk to just anyone among your friends and family, including your kids, about your masturbatory habits? Unless you are some kind of head case, hell no. And it's not about shame, it's about privacy and "need to know". (Not to mention the fact that it would be incredibly undignified.)

 

There IS a difference.

[bill&sabrina 22]

Originally posted by bear_n_bunny

 

Are you kidding? This isn't about being "ashamed of our sexuality", nor have I detected any hint of it from anyone.

 

Bullshit. For the most part the only difference between most of the people on this board and non swingers is that partner swapping is going on. Most of the attitudes about sex are the same. The only purpose of this thread seems to be how to keep the kids from finding out about sex, and related items. The old saying "The more things change the more they stay the same" could not be more true when describing most board members. Everyone always wanting discretion so no one will find out what you are doing. For what? To keep your job or friends. Are any of us on here any different than a gay person that lost the same. Swingers really seem to be a cowardly lot.

 

It really saddens me that this community isn't more like the Gay community. Jump out of the closet and let normal people know who and what we are. Yeah they will think that we are heathens, and yes it will be a tough fight to not be persecuted for what we do. It is a battle or war that can be won? Look at the Gay community. I would say that the recent Supreme Court ruling is the biggest victory the gay community has ever won, and probably ever will. Yes that ruling will also be able to be used by the swinging community, but who on here is a champion of the swinger lifestyle? I know Sabrina, and I are. Are you?

 

I just hope and pray for more people like Tantra to enter this lifestyle. If that happens maybe sometime in the future worries about the kids or anyone not in the know finding out about ones sexual habits won't be an issue. If this thread is really over children invading privacy why was it posted on a Swinger's Board and not a Parenting Board.

[naughty A 23]

If this thread is really over children invading privacy why was it posted on a Swinger's Board and not a Parenting Board.

 

I assume for the same reason many other things are posted here... because we are here anyway... we also talk about cookbooks and storms and cars and pets and... school uniforms...

 

I am not ashamed or embarrassed but neither do I trumpet my bedroom activities from the roof tops... and if 'found out' it probably wouldn't matter too much...

 

We don't have children... but I don't discuss my sex life with my mother ... it is NONE OF HER BUSINESS. or my neighbour's or my banker's or many of the other people I associate with

 

Gay rights have come a long way... but I think it will be a few more years before swinging is AS socially acceptable... if it is ...people who are gay will tell you they still do suffer from discrimination although perhaps less than in previous years.

 

But publically revealing you are gay is a personal choice... not one that people should feel pressured to make.... you should have the same respect for members of your own community.

 

I disagree this thread WAS entirely about teaching children to respect privacy IMO. that is why they were asking for opinions in how to deal with it...

 

 

[bccpl77 15]

Originally posted by bear_n_bunny

If you are talking about the usual interior locking knob used on bed/bathrooms, you are right. When I was a kid, I could get through one of those like a hot knife through butter.

 

However, the kind of lock we are going to use, and that we recommend that people with snoopy kids use, is a keyed lock (and only you and the spouse have keys). If your kid can pick THAT, you have much bigger problems than the kid snooping through your bedroom accouterments.

 

Talking about privacy and respect with a kid is all well and good. But as anyone who has read this thread can see, sometimes that simply doesn't work with some kids, and more "active" measures are required. (I still can't get over the kid who let her mother the ex into the house and was caught searching their bedroom...Jesus H. Christ...

 

 

Bear, they were locks with keys. The first was a lock on a dresser, then a small padlock on a jewelry box. After that it became more of a challenge of what I could open, the doorlock knobs on outside doors, the large padlock on the garage and the deadbolts at a friends house. I know this makes me look bad but i wasn't a thief or anything it just became something that was challenging and I was good at. I still think if I would have had a good talk about respect an privacy I probably wouldn't have tried in the first place, but that's just me.

[OhioCouple 41]

I've never been in the position of melding two families children, so I suppose that I can't judge what is best by that aspect.

 

HOWEVER, what I can say... is my children wouldn't dream of getting into something which is not theirs, without asking first. If they did when they were younger, they never let me know about it. I do believe that they respected the fact that I respected their privacy and didn't pry or snoop and they gave me the same respect. Not many parents do that, that I've seen. Too many want to get into their kids personal stuff, therefore it makes you fair game as parents. A tit for tat sort of deal.

 

My opinion is your children are a product of what you have taught them through daily life in your actions. I also believe since the original poster's child is in the young stage (eleven), she is old enough to be taught about adult privacy, something that will she will carry with her into own adult hood. In the same respect, as she enters her teens, which can be very traumatic, you have to RESPECT her privacy also and give her back what you have asked of her.

 

That is what worked for me and it still works today.

 

That is my advice and I'm sticking to it.

[BradAndJanet 70]

Originally posted by bill&sabrina

...It really saddens me that this community isn't more like the Gay community. Jump out of the closet and let normal people know who and what we are. ...

Bill, can you explain to me why I should do this? What possible benefits would I gain? I'm certainly not being discriminated against because I'm a swinger and I just don't see the rationale behind your thinking. There is no reason to 'come out of the closet', because I'm not in one. I simply don't discuss my sex life with strangers, or even my friends, the same policy I had before I became a swinger.

[bill&sabrina 22]

Originally posted by BradAndJanet

 

I'm certainly not being discriminated against because I'm a swinger

 

Maybe not now, but it can sure happen in the future. Did you know that your governor Bob Taft wants to ban Swing Clubs? Maybe you don't go to clubs, but that is definitely a good start in putting a negative bias in the general public's opinion of swinging. Not that they don't already have a negative view of swinging, but it would get worse. Things like that are why we should be a champion of this lifestyle. If we don't stand up for it we might find swinging harder and harder to enjoy in the future. One more reason why swingers should say I swing leave me alone. It is patriotic and I quote directly from the Declaration of Independence "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." Let me say that one more time "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness". Don't believe me look it up.

[Chicup 42]

Originally posted by bill&sabrina

Let me say that one more time "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness". Dont believe me look it up.

Bill

 

If it makes me happy to seduce 11 year olds is that covered? I'm sure you can see why this in itself is not a protection of Swinging.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Bill, I've got to call bullshit on you. This is usually bear's job but since the subject was my child I'm going to go ahead and jump in. What goes on in our bedroom is no ones business but ours and the people in the bed. I'm not ashamed of it, but there is simple nothing constructive about sharing it.

 

I get constant grief educating my daughter about sex. I've always let her know that sex is wonderful, but comes with responsibility and respect. By making responsibility and respect the focus and demystifying the physical aspects of sex, I hope to give her a foundation to make choices that are right for her.

 

That being said, I don't want the child in our sex toys any more that I want her in my clothes, jewelry, or underwear. There is nothing that will kill a mood more than being walked in on. Even though she's seen Bear in the all together it doesn't always stop her from walking in.

 

In so far as comparing swingers to members of the gay community, you are free to make that comparison. However, as stated earlier, I am not discriminated against because of my sexual habits. Nor do I feel a need to announce they to every bypasser or march in a parade. Heck, there are few people I discuss my sex life with because most people don't care and don't want to hear about it. Maybe they are the ones you should be sharing your beliefs with?

 

Face it, if I were ashamed I would have my picture associated with various swinging profile, nor would I have put our names in our introduction. Not advertising a fact does not mean you are ashamed of it, nor does it mean you are hiding it. If asked, I would tell.

[bill&sabrina 22]

If it makes me happy to seduce 11 year olds is that covered? I'm sure you can see why this in itself is not a protection of Swinging.

 

You know comments like that really make me question a person's intelligence. I am going to answer it though.

 

If society degenerates and says that it is ok to be a pedophile then thank Thomas Jefferson. I make a reference to that fact that the founding fathers built this country so they could be free to pursue happiness, and some idiot has to ask if that means he can be a pedophile. If I for one millisecond I made an insinuation that I felt taking advantage of children is perfectly ok please show me where and I will retract it and apologize. I thought though I was trying to make a point that we should stand up for swinging, and try to protect it so future generations can enjoy it. Maybe I will start drawing pictures and adding them to my posts. I will reply to having bullshit called on me. Why would one feel the need to reply my comment about being ashamed if they weren't? In my experiences people that don't feel threatened don't fight back.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Originally posted by bccpl77

Bear, they were locks with keys. The first was a lock on a dresser, then a small padlock on a jewelry box. After that it became more of a challenge of what I could open, the doorlock knobs on outside doors, the large padlock on the garage and the deadbolts at a friends house. I know this makes me look bad but i wasn't a thief or anything it just became something that was challenging and I was good at. I still think if I would have had a good talk about respect an privacy I probably wouldn't have tried in the first place, but that's just me.

 

Clearly you have a mechanical knack, if you were able to pick such locks as exterior doorknob locks and padlocks (the other items are actually rather easy, as I'm sure you are aware). However, I would think that most kids would not have that kind of ability, and a decent keyed lock should prevent them from snooping where they should not.

[bccpl77 15]

Originally posted by bear_n_bunny

Clearly you have a mechanical knack, if you were able to pick such locks as exterior doorknob locks and padlocks (the other items are actually rather easy, as I'm sure you are aware). However, I would think that most kids would not have that kind of ability, and a decent keyed lock should prevent them from snooping where they should not.

 

Thanks Bear I have always been good with my hands and I am sure it is something most kids wouldn't spend the time to figure out how to do. I was just trying to point out how I think it is more important to talk and explain things to children rather than just lock them out. I'm pretty sure somewhere back there you said you guys did talk to them about it, but I was just trying to reinforce how I believe that is more important than just putting on a lock.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Originally posted by bccpl77

Thanks Bear I have always been good with my hands and I am sure it is something most kids wouldn't spend the time to figure out how to do. I was just trying to point out how I think it is more important to talk and explain things to children rather than just lock them out. I'm pretty sure somewhere back there you said you guys did talk to them about it, but I was just trying to reinforce how I believe that is more important than just putting on a lock.

 

Yes, and if you look back you will see that talking to your kids, specifically explaining the issue of privacy, was part of the mix.

[Sibella 15]

A couple of years ago, my husband and I were both gone at various meetings, while our son who was 13 at the time, was supposed to be at a sleepover next door. I got home first and went to our bedroom to change my clothes. I could tell stuff had been "gone through". I checked our "hidden" stash of sex toys and to my horror, someone had gone through them! I figured out my son had brought a whole group of his little friends over to check out what we had! OMG!!! I was mortified!

 

My husband calmly talked to him the next day; man to man, so to speak. Honestly telling him what we do as a committed married couple is our business and no one else's. And he told him if his little escapade made me QUIT doing the things I had finally just STARTED doing, he was a dead man! Ha!

 

My first instinct was to either get rid of everything or re-hide them somewhere else; but I decided No, this was our room and those kids had to learn to respect others things and their privacy. Our toys stay right where they always were. Our kids know we play; they also know we love each other very much. It was embarrassing, but I think they now have a healthy view of loving and committed sex. Now they laugh about it! I figure his friends think we are so cool! Ha!