Go swing on my own or stay home?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

What would you do? My situation is that my husband and I have been swinging over five years and have had occasional hall passes and we play same or separate room. We have a large group of friends we know well. We are supposed to go to a very good friend's house party, but my husband got called away to a family emergency.

 

He asked, "What are you going to do?"

 

I said, "I have the sitter and (girlfriend) is going to be there so I think I'll go."

 

He didn't say anymore about it, but I felt like he wasn't happy. So, I asked, "Do you mind if I go? If it really bothers you I won't."

 

He said, "No, you should go, it bothers me, but I know it shouldn't. It's my problem, not yours."

 

What do you think? I'm inclined to take yes for an answer. I know things will be fine. On the other hand I don't want to intentionally make my husband uncomfortable/unhappy.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Hmm, that's a tough one.

 

Do you think the nature of the emergency has his mind in a place that is causing his reluctance to you attending the party?

 

That's the one variable I see in what you've described.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Perhaps in a way. More that he will be in an unpleasant situation, while I'll be having fun. Not that he is completely torn up about the situation pulling him away.

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

These are funny situations. We men are socialized to never show weakness. Yet we are as vulnerable as anyone. The LS is about being with your partner. Still, you should go. Just expect him to need a measure of TLC and reassurance when he returns from the family emergency.

 

In the end, our partner's happiness is most important. It's that when our partner is happy and we are unhappy, we have trouble dealing with that dissonance.

[kikonkrome 844]

Ours is an everybody's happy ultimate rule as well. If the roles were reversed would you want your husband to go to the party? That's pretty much the litmus test we use for ourselves. If the nature of the emergency is such that you would go and not have a problem with him attending the house party, then off you go. On the opposite hand supporting your partner is why I have a partner. If my wife had an 'emergency', she felt would cancel our plans, it would have canceled mine as well.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

If it's just a matter of feeling a bit put out that one has to go deal with something they would rather not while the other gets to go have fun, in other words, disappointed with the situation itself, not the individuals involved, then I would go. If I thought it was anything more than that, then I would probably think twice about it and do some more talking before I made my final decision. You guys have hall passes and have used them before and it's not been an issue, so I'm thinking this is probably more a situational type thing, and he's going to be unhappy either way - if you don't go, he'll feel bad feeling like he kept you from it, and if you do go, he'll feel bad he missed it.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

What would you do? My situation is that my husband and I have been swinging over five years and have had occasional hall passes and we play same or separate room. We have a large group of friends we know well. We are supposed to go to a very good friend's house party, but my husband got called away to a family emergency.

 

He asked, "What are you going to do?"

 

I said, "I have the sitter and (girlfriend) is going to be there so I think I'll go."

 

He didn't say anymore about it, but I felt like he wasn't happy. So, I asked, "Do you mind if I go? If it really bothers you I won't."

 

He said, "No, you should go, it bothers me, but I know it shouldn't. It's my problem, not yours."

 

Logical follow up...

 

You say, "Come sit down. Tell me why it bothers you?"

 

After he hems and haws for a bit, while you gently wait and/or quietly insist it's important to you to know what's bothering him, he eventually tells you. Then you're able to move forward and not only make an informed decision about this party but you have a better understanding of what's going on in his head.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I am with my wife, just now. She's driving and I'm typing using her iPad.

 

I asked her what she would do and she quickly came up with a string of qualified answers; yes, no, maybe, yes, no, maybe. But her initial answer and the one that stands out in my mind is, "what tone of voice was being used while the 'OK by me' reply was spoken?" Only you would be able to interpret that tone of voice.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Just speaking for myself, I wouldn't go. Not only did his body language said he was unhappy about it but he was able to honestly tell you that he wasn't happy about it. Even though it is "his problem", I would still show my support of him by not going. Not only does it show him that you listened, but that you care about how this situation makes him feel. Going and knowing that it would make him unhappy can often be a slap to the face for some people.

 

I also like kikonkrome's response...put yourself in his shoes and think about how it would make you feel if he went even after you had told him that it bothers you. Lionheart's reply was also great. When you two are able to find the time, this would be a great opportunity to work through the issues of why it bothers him. Even though he says it's "his problem" it can be something that can both strengthen and increase intimacy between you two.

[Alura 2,775]

My curiosity asks why you didn't go with him to the "family emergency" to be available to offer your support.

[MrDiscover 802]

My humble opinion is that you choose the wrong audience. You asked us about what he could have meant, but you should ask him.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Correct response should have been: 'What would you like me to do?'. Since his first response was don't go, don't go. Changing his response afterwards was just him giving in. Unless you two sit down and have a good talk about this, don't go.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Thanks for all the great input! I apologize because I cheated a little when I created this thread because I had already not gone, but I thought it was an interesting topic and really wanted to see what everyone would say. I didn't want to tell you upfront my choice, because I wanted to hear your unbiased (as possible) opinions.

 

To answer a few questions. My husband was already out of town on business and had to travel to another part of the country, so this was all hurried and over the phone. It wasn't the kind of thing where we could sit down and talk it out. I did not go to support him because I am home with our kids with no family in the area, and airline tickets are extremely expensive the day before travel even if we didn't have the childcare issue.

 

Here's the conversation again:

He asked, "What are you going to do?" (about the party)

 

I said, "I have the sitter and (girlfriend) is going to be there so I think I'll go."

 

He didn't say anymore about it, but I felt like he wasn't happy. So, I asked, "Do you mind if I go? If it really bothers you I won't."

 

He said, "No, you should go, it bothers me, but I know it shouldn't. It's my problem, not yours."

 

I decided not to go because I felt like it wasn't worth it to put anymore stress or anxiety on him, regardless of whether the feeling was "justified" or "his issue". As others have said, talking it out would have been the ideal. Since we couldn't do that I didn't go.

 

GoldCo, I think you misunderstood the conversation, because he was actually saying go, but it bothers me, but go.

 

I do sincerely apologize for already having made my choice when I created this. Like the whole situation, if I had more time, I probably would have come to you all first. Thanks everyone for the great advice and do feel free to continue to discuss the situation. When my husband and I do get to talk face to face about it, I may come back and update.

[Tia Vampire 167]

Why did it bother him that you attended this party? Was it a family emergency that ended with someone in the hospital or close to death? I can only think that he needed your support at the time. Especially if it was a close family member that he really cared for. Maybe he knew of someone in attendance that he did not want you to be with or talk to. You guys guys need to talk about why this time was different from other times you attended parties without each other.

[angelkin 1,326]

My assumption is that it was business that took him away.

 

I don't think it was at all iffy to post the question even though you already had not gone to the party. I find it interesting to hear others' comments even when I think I've got it all figured out too.

 

Kudos, probably the decision I would have made too - though I likely would have been a little salty about it.