Overnight stays with lifestyle friend?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

There is presently a thread in the Swinging at Home and Houseparties forum that asks about sharing an overnight bed with somebody other than your spouse. My thought is that a person need not view himself or herself as being in an open marriage to do this.

 

But how about people who would classify as an Open Marriage couple? Here's a question. Are you OK with your spouse or significant-other spending a night, or even multiple nights, with a swing acquaintance? Not a swap. While your spouse is out, you're left at your own devices to find your own diversions or fun. What do y'all think?

[allfun2play 17]

We are secure enough in our relationship that this would be ok for either of us to do. As long as we both know the people or person, it would be fun and part of our own good sexual experiences when we made love to each other.

[New2swinging225 53]

My wife has spent the night with another man before while I was at home looking after the kids. She's only done it once and it was all good, we had a nice romantic lunch alone the next day where she told me all the details. I've never literally slept with another person, but we've both played alone a handful of times without the other doing anything sexual, but overnights, just been the one. I don't think I'd want it to be the norm, but it was exciting when it did happen!

[angelkin 1,326]

Not in our wheelhouse. To me, sleeping with someone is far more intimate than having sex.

[JB 140]

angelkin said:

Not in our wheelhouse. To me, sleeping with someone is far more intimate than having sex.

 

Yep, our one hardcore rule…

 

You can spend as many hours over there as you want, but we SLEEP here…

 

Together, anything goes.

 

We have napped while at a couples house during a long night before, and on something like a weekend trip as two couples, well, yeah, it is pretty much is expected, but on a hall pass, no.

[njbm 2,868]

We've discussed this and it seems weird, but we thought that about many of our current activities. My wife tells me I snore like a freight train. May not be an endearing quality to someone who did not sign up to be my wife.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

We've never done it, and probably neither one of us would want to for various reasons (see snoring comment above ), but in the right situation with the right person, I guess I could see it being possible. It wouldn't be something we would be trying to initiate no matter what, but I'll stop short of saying 100% no and leave it at 99% no.

[purple4215 55]

Due to timing and kids, life's busy schedules we've set play dates separately with a couple we mainly play with and know and trust etc...Dinner, hanging out then some play time...then the next week or when convient the other couple plays...but we head home at the end of the evening. Not often or always but occasionally this works for us.

[yourluvrman 28]

I regularly have overnight visits with hotwives, in addition to weekend getaways, and vacations.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I (Mr. CoupleInMD79) recently got my first "hall pass" from the Mrs., for a visit with a couple that we both really like and are close with. I did sleep over, in the other couple's bed. The Mrs. and I were fine with it, as we have slept swapped before on overnight visits with this couple.

 

This is not something we would do with just anybody- we have reserved this kind of thing for our closest friends. I think you'd have to be pretty close with someone to be willing to "share" your snoring and morning breath with them! And the Mrs. and I make sure to give each other a Full Report afterwards on everything that happened, just to reinforce the fact that we're being completely open about what goes on.

 

And to answer SW_PA_Couple's point, we do not consider ourselves to be in an open marriage. We considered these overnight stay occasions to be simply extended play sessions, with sleeping in between. No extra feelings are implied by this- just the close friendship and good comfort level that we hope to reach with all our swinger friends! We know some of our friends are not, and never will be, comfortable with this kind of thing, and that's fine with us. But for the very short list of friends where we're all comfortable with this, we feel like it makes us even better friends!

[intuition897 2,179]

We've played in separate rooms with a couple, and one night we tried sleeping with them. It was just kind of weird to wake up next to a different face. Not comfortable. We all agreed to not do it again. This was a long time ago, but can't imagine that this experience would change for us, and by extension, I doubt doing it on our own without our partner in the next room would improve it any.

[Alura 2,774]

Mrs. Alura and I often hosted another couple overnight, at our house, but we always slept in our accustomed position, together. This was an extension of our having gotten back together at the end of the swap and made love.

[intuition897 2,179]

We just tried it as an experiment, because we were curious how it would feel. I think that's why we've had good luck in the lifestyle, because we look at everything as an experiment, and agree ahead of time that we'd hold one another blameless for anything that didn't go as well as we hoped.

[GoNatural 104]

Not in our wheelhouse. To me, sleeping with someone is far more intimate than having sex.

 

I agree that sleeping by someone's side and especially waking up by them is very intimate. If polyamory isn't your goal, don't wake up by your swinging crush's side.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Well, I’ve got two answers.

 

First, my ex and I got very close to another lifestyle couple. When we would travel together, my wife would stay in his room, his wife would stay with me. We enjoyed ourselves, the friendship was amazing, it brought us all closer, somehow. Probably this would be an offshoot of a polyamorist relationship.

 

Secondly, I allowed my ex to have time with playmates while I was traveling. Sometimes they were gentlemen we knew from having MFM threesomes with them, a few times I didn’t know the other guy. I trusted my wife, understood that she was a very cautious person about her safety, didn’t mind that she was playing when I was out of town. Now, a few times she spent the night at the gentleman’s house. Since I wasn’t going to be there in the morning anyway, I didn’t particularly care — in fact, I remember encouraging her once because I knew how much she enjoyed that particular guy’s company, and figured morning sex would be a lot of fun.

 

The idea of her spending the night with another guy while I was in town never came up. I’m not sure I would have been excited about that.

 

As always, the lifestyle has many variations, lots of options. In my mind, if it works for you, don’t worry about it. And, of course, if either partner feels uncomfortable, don’t do it!

[oc1234 435]

My wife and I are in a poly relationship with our best friend so my wife often goes over to his house alone to play. My wife never stays the night with him even though it would be fine with me. We have talked about taking an overnight trip with him that would result in the three of us sharing a room. Since we also have threesomes with him, that could be a lot of fun and lead to a lot of sex, but we haven't set up anything yet.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

I felt comfortable and confident enough, and loved her enough, to let her go to his place alone to play without me so that they both could be uninhibited without me being there participating or watching.

 

He invited her, knowing that I was O.K. with sharing her, to a weekend biker rally. Just the two of them. She is considering going but is conflicted about how I would feel about her going with him and spending the weekend, two nights, with him.

 

I reassured her that it was OK with me but she still isn't sure if she wants to do it.

[machiavel55 81]

......As always, the lifestyle has many variations, lots of options. In my mind, if it works for you, don’t worry about it. And, of course, if either partner feels uncomfortable, don’t do it!

 

I of course agree to each their own....but this thread made me think...I tried to remember how overnight stays worked through the years in the various groups I was part of...so I called a few LS friends, and their memories were unanimous, not one couple that did overnight stays or mini-trips with a lover, survived. At first it seemed to work fine but eventually the partner enjoying that freedom would hit it off big time with the single man or woman, being by themselves would allow them to develop feelings and destroy the primary relationship. I know for men who prefer MFMs, hotwifing or cuckolding, knowing that their wife is for the entire night or a few days alone with her lover creates very intense pleasure and emotions that they enjoy, but it is something only couples with uncommonly strong bonds can survive.

[GoNatural 104]

machiavel55, I don't have as much experience in the swing community (have been with 10 couples, maybe), but I do think that spending the whole night alone with a new partner is more likely to lead to romance. It's not a certainty, just more likely.

 

A well known open relationship advocate and sex educator Reid Mihalko lists 4 rules for keeping sex casual or on the lighter side with a lover.

 

1. Do not wake up by their side.

2. Group sex reduces helps keep it casual.

3. Don't fuck them all weekend long.

4. Don't fuck them more than once a month unless you're a black belt at "friends with benefits".

 

Source: podcast episode of Why Are People into That?

 

Why Are People Into That?

[ErikaAndPeter 104]

I have made trips overseas to spend time with old boyfriends. However, I recognize that this can be dangerous. I have definitely rekindled strong feelings towards them. My husband and I have to work very hard to maintain and gore our primary relationship with each other.

[padoc 1,703]

We don't do overnights as a rule with our playmates. Erotic dress, adult beverages, hours of teasing conversation and exciting sex gives way to flatulence, morning breath, and bad hair. We'd prefer to maintain the illusion of allure. Besides, in the morning, the dog needs to go out, the cats want attention, we have a 4 cup coffeemaker and Mrs Doc barely speaks until she get her caffeine infusion.

[machiavel55 81]

machiavel55, I don't have as much experience in the swing community (have been with 10 couples, maybe), but I do think that spending the whole night alone with a new partner is more likely to lead to romance. It's not a certainty, just more likely.

 

A well known open relationship advocate and sex educator Reid Mihalko lists 4 rules for keeping sex casual or on the lighter side with a lover.

 

1. Do not wake up by their side.

2. Group sex reduces helps keep it casual.

3. Don't fuck them all weekend long.

4. Don't fuck them more than once a month unless you're a black belt at "friends with benefits".

 

Source: podcast episode of Why Are People into That?

 

Why Are People Into That?

 

Enjoyed the podcast...thanks!

[Guest 2B13RFUN]

If your at a point everyone is comfortable, not a problem.

 

Takes us a bit of time to get to that point, but we do it.

 

As for those "4 Rules"? Sounds all fine and dandy...lol...but if there's fear something is going to change the core relationship, they mean exactly zero.

 

We once had a set of basic rules, but as opportunities occured and evolved, they were modified, ammended or simply dropped.

[Guest]

We generally don’t do this, in fact, we rarely play when we are not both together but this past year, we spent a month in Florida, same place we have for the past several years, and a place where who do play a lot. Hubby had to fly out on business for a few days and encouraged me not to stay in the condo evenings. So, I went out to our local bar restaurant for the early happy hour, ended up having drinks and then dinner with a group that we sometimes meet up with. Afterwards, me and one the guys went across the way for more music and ended up at his place for the night. It all worked out fine for us. Hubby’s feeling was that he had more or less given me permission to do so when encouraging me to go out….. It was fun. Can’t say that it was anything more than sexual, sex upon arrival at his place, sex in the morning when we awoke…… Then the old walk of shame.

[Numex 2,409]

Definitely my wife spends the night with her lovers, usually several nights. My wife has cultivated lovers in the cities she travels to for work. She NEEDS sex and for her masturbation doesn't cut it except as a warm up. So it's more important for her to have access to dick when she's away from home more so than for casual fun on weekends, that's when usually I'm involved, it's a couples sharing and we go home together.

[michjosh69 23]

Can you clarify the 2nd point about group sex?

 

Loved your post! Are you a black belt by ay chance?

[mncurious 20]

Hi all.

 

We are doing this right now and it's our first time swinging. My wife is staying with her lover for almost a week. She knew him from before and had him provide all kinds of personal information to us. They are at hotels the entire trip and I have their itinerary.

 

I'm taking care of the kids this week while my wife has fun with him. I have never met him but trust my wife unconditionally.

 

We'll let you know how it works out and share our successes and ways to improve, too. Please feel free to share on our post, too. Thanks and happy holidays.

[Hotwifeswinger 38]

I felt comfortable and confident enough, and loved her enough, to let her go to his place alone to play without me so that they both could be uninhibited without me being there participating or watching.

 

He invited her, knowing that I was O.K. with sharing her, to a weekend biker rally. Just the two of them. She is considering going but is conflicted about how I would feel about her going with him and spending the weekend, two nights, with him.

 

I reassured her that it was OK with me but she still isn't sure if she wants to do it.

 

So did she go? How was it?

[Numex 2,409]

... I allowed my ex to have time with playmates while I was traveling. .

Both of us do that when the other is traveling. Usually it's with both spouses with another couple, but sometimes it's one-on-one because during the week the other is busy, or even traveling.

[EastInWest 1,524]

Overnight stays solo are not on the table for us, although we've talked about it being a possibility with the two couples we both know and play together with fairly regularly. A little too much intimacy for separate play as far as we're concerned.

[Anon321 521]

We're not married but my GF frequently spends the night with other men. I get a little uncomfortable (for her own safety) when she spends the night with someone she just met at a bar or something but she is an adult and makes those decisions on her own. When she comes back it sometimes makes for really hot stories and/or pics and videos.

[Numex 2,409]

We're not married but my GF frequently spends the night with other men..

You should marry that woman.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

You should marry that woman.

 

All things being equal Anon I agree with Numex; if your girlfriend is all the qualities you want in a woman, and enjoys sex as much as she does to boot...why not marry her? A self-actualized woman who enjoys sex like she does is a thing to behold, and its wonderful to be part of her life.

[Numex 2,409]

.. A self-actualized woman who enjoys sex like she does is a thing to behold, and its wonderful to be part of her life.

Well stated.

[PSULioness 839]

My husband has encouraged me to have his friend stay over when he travels for business. He asked why would I want to be alone at nights. He doesn’t stay as often as he first did even if we do enjoy our nights together. He is not my lover, he is a very good friend who I have relations with.

I also have a girlfriend that stays over.

My husband has a woman that he sleeps with on business trips. I am happy he isn’t alone all the time when he’s away.

[Anon321 521]

All things being equal Anon I agree with Numex; if your girlfriend is all the qualities you want in a woman, and enjoys sex as much as she does to boot...why not marry her? A self-actualized woman who enjoys sex like she does is a thing to behold, and its wonderful to be part of her life.

 

I'm not ready to have the marriage discussion just yet lol

[ToeDippers 83]

Have not had alone overnights yet. We have discussed her staying over a couples place, me not being there. If it works the other woman would stay with us at a later time. Not sold on her going solo with a guy.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Have not had alone overnights yet. We have discussed her staying over a couples place, me not being there. If it works the other woman would stay with us at a later time. Not sold on her going solo with a guy.

 

I get that, and not every couple does this. Some do, some never. There's no right answer, only what works for you two. My wife has done this. The first time was a bit unnerving, but not as bad as the first time she played solo period.

[Numex 2,409]

... We have discussed her staying over a couples place, me not being there. If it works the other woman would stay with us at a later time. Not sold on her going solo with a guy.

Do you two do threesomes and solo play sessions that are not overnights? That's a way to ease into it if you're thinking about it.

 

The constraints that we and our play partner couples have are time, work, kids, etc., not rules. We just do what we can, when we can.

[couplers 4,614]

My husband has encouraged me to have his friend stay over when he travels for business. He asked why would I want to be alone at nights. He doesn’t stay as often as he first did even if we do enjoy our nights together. He is not my lover, he is a very good friend who I have relations with.

I also have a girlfriend that stays over.

My husband has a woman that he sleeps with on business trips. I am happy he isn’t alone all the time when he’s away.

You and your husband have accomplished in a much shorter time what took me a several years to achieve. You have my admiration.

 

Your husband's friend may not be your lover, but I'm sure that your husband feels more secure having him there than you being alone. And the same for him/her/you. Something could happen to anyone of us at anytime, and it is best not to be alone. I find it even more important now that we have children to have a family of more than just a husband.

[PSULioness 839]

You and your husband have accomplished in a much shorter time what took me a several years to achieve. You have my admiration.

 

Your husband's friend may not be your lover, but I'm sure that your husband feels more secure having him there than you being alone. And the same for him/her/you. Something could happen to anyone of us at anytime, and it is best not to be alone. I find it even more important now that we have children to have a family of more than just a husband.

 

Looking back we did move fast. I’m sure it looks from my posts that everything went perfectly. There were bumps from the very start. Some of it was my guilt complex. Funny it led to marriage lol. You can say my cheating on him and then letting him be with my girlfriend led to us talking about our relationship. Talk led to marriage. All of our play was based on my friends. He went along with my wants. He had no place to discuss what we were doing. He begged me to let him tell his closest friend. I said absolutely not. Again it was my guilt that gave in. It led to much more with him. It was much easier doing it with guys not in my everyday life. My first time with him is burned in my brain. I can’t say I wanted him in that part of our lives. I needed to put myself in my husband’s head. I was controlling our play. He had fun for sure. I think I took something away from him. I shared my husband he wanted to share what we have with someone who meant something to him. Don’t get me wrong, I liked our friend very much. I had to wrap my head around that he is in our everyday life. And it’s not that my husband needed to watch me have sex, he had watched for a year.

Ingrained in my memory I was not very active that first time. He was very nervous even if he was encouraged.

From that first time things changed. I got very comfortable. I used to say my husband was happy because he knew where I was when he traveled.

Yes I feel safe when he stays. We are not poly like you. I don’t have two husbands, I don’t have two lovers. We do have a special bond that is too complicated to explain.

[couplers 4,614]

... I’m sure it looks from my posts that everything went perfectly. There were bumps from the very start... Funny it led to marriage lol. You can say my cheating on him and then letting him be with my girlfriend led to us talking about our relationship. Talk led to marriage...

Life is full of bumps, especially who we love and who we have sexual relationships with. It's how you handle it that makes all the difference. Realizing how someone responds to a less than ideal situation, including one's own mistakes, is important because we will face bad situations and all make mistakes. In both of our cases we have wonderful men who helped us understand, and achieve romantic and sexual lives where we share control over our situations. Viewing other men and women's marriages from my perspective now brings Thoreau's quote, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” to mind.

 

Thanks for posting and especially for responding to my posts. I appreciate you sharing some of what your husband sees in you, and you in him.

[DorianArcher 21]

Yes, overnights are okay and often encouraged. It is more likely to happen after a house party but not because of date nights being less appropriate for us. We always confirm expectations about when the other will return. It could be extended, depending on how things are going, but we usually stick to the plan. Any ‘curfew’ we might have is usually for practical reasons more than anything. For us, overnights are often an opportunity for more sex and better sex, which is a win. They’re often not practical, but we like it when they are. (Overnights when we’re both out, are almost always an issue because of the kids, but we do manage sometimes.) A swap can be good, depending on the friend’s relationship with the kids.

[JessicaJamison 861]

On 4/12/2015 at 5:21 PM, SW_PA_Couple said:

There is presently a thread in the Swinging at Home and Houseparties forum that asks about sharing an overnight bed with somebody other than your spouse. My thought is that a person need not view himself or herself as being in an open marriage to do this.

 

But how about people who would classify as an Open Marriage couple? Here's a question. Are you OK with your spouse or significant-other spending a night, or even multiple nights, with a swing acquaintance? Not a swap. While your spouse is out, you're left at your own devices to find your own diversions or fun. What do y'all think?

We have always played separately since he first asked me to play the Hotwife Role.  I travel for work a lot and I regularly sleep with men and women spending the night with them.  

[Playman64 205]

Both Kim and Dianne would stay overnight while the other wives would stay with me but not every time.  Sometimes I would go stay overnight while they stayed home.  

[Playman64 205]

On 10/13/2019 at 6:02 AM, PSULioness said:

He is not my lover, he is a very good friend who I have relations with.

He is a very lucky man, lover or not.  

[JessicaJamison 861]

So I travel for work a lot, I'm gone a couple days every week, and I am absolutely fine with my husband spending the night with other women or couples while I am gone.  I often pick up men or sometimes women when I am away so why would I deny him the same privilege.  We have a few regular couples we spend time with and I know my husband often will meet up with one of them, especially our friends Adam and Julie.  You might characterize us as being in a polyamorous relationship with them.  Before recently James invited Julie over to spend the night often.  Currently Julie and Adam are in between houses and are actually staying with us.  

[findinganswers 369]

We play mostly with one couple who are our friends and the ones who introduced us to swinging. Prior to lockdowns it was fine for my wife to play alone with them as a couple and individually. The girlfriend has slept at our house and waking up to two women is much different from just having sex and going home. 

With us staying home much more, we decided the only couple we will play with is this couple. We have had a few nights where the wives have switched and I have spent more alone time with our girlfriend. Sleeping alone with her and waking up with her is a new experience, more snuggling and kissing. Even though I have known her for years as a great friend, sleeping alone with her is completely different. It does make me wonder how my wife and the husband interact.