Wife wants a open marriage

[3622maw 39]

I'm not sure if I want to get involved with a open marriage. I think I would prefer swinging. Do you have any input?

[lotsoffun201 175]

First of all....

 

Wanting to start with an open marriage right from the get go leads me to think there are other motives to think about. I suggest you talk about this together for a while. Most swingers start with "baby steps", and leave the open marriage, polyamory, separate room stuff for later on.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

Welcome to the site!

 

I agree, moving straight into an open marriage seems like a dangerous approach. We look at swinging as something we are totally together on. We do play separately on occasion, but even then, we are still together and in sync on it even though only one is actually physically present. It took us a while to get to that point, and I think that's for the better - save that stuff for when you have some experience under your belt.

[3622maw 39]

Thats what i told her last night when we were talking about this. Something happened about a month ago, she told me she hasn't cheated on me that she has only been chatting and talking on the phone to a man. A month ago things got strange she was spending a lot of time On the computer. One night she went out with her girlfriends from work and i started going through the computer i found a hidden file, it was full of pictures and videos, all of woman being tied up and having things done to them. All of the files where zip files with a guys name to my wifes name and sayings like " this is how you need to be". And there would be movies or pictures but all BDSM stuff, there were a couple with interracial stuff too. I told her that she left the file open on the computer and i saw some of it and she got really nervous and then said a girlfriend from work sent it to her. Any way when i asked her about the guy she has been chatting with she told me he is 54 years old and a nice guy, he also has the same name as the guy on the zip files.

[GoldCoCouple 4,063]

This doesn't sound like anything to do with an open marriage or swinging. This sounds like TROUBLE. You two need to sit down and have a good, non-threatening discussion about this. What if she IS interested in BDSM? Are you willing to help her explore this? No matter what, you both need to talk and find out what is going on. We both wish you luck with this...

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Welcome, 3622maw. It's always great to see a new member jump in and start new threads, however, in your case I am very worried for you, your wife, and the relationship. I don't know if she's met this older man yet or if it is strictly from the internet but I would definitely recommend that she not contact him any further for safety reasons. If she is truly interested in BDSM, there is a much safer way to go about it and with you involved and not go behind you back about it. Which brings me to the second troubling part of your situation: she hasn't been truthful to you about what she has been doing.

 

I know it can be difficult to be honest with others about our fantasies when we're afraid it might frighten them or result in negative judgments toward us but you two are married. It's quite sad actually when two people who are married to each other can't be open and honest about each other's fantasies and desires without feeling shameful about it...and a lot of marriages are like that, unfortunately. When we were finally able to do that, it brought a new closeness and intimacy between us knowing that this one wall we had put up between us had come down. I hope that it comes down for you and Mrs. 3622maw. Start talking about each others fantasies and consider the risks and concerns you each have about possibly fulfilling them...together. See this as a journey for both of you to take together, not alone.

 

My third concern is her chatting with this other man in secret. The biggest question your wife needs to ask herself is if she felt guilty about chatting with this man without your knowledge. If she does, then she knows that what she's doing could be harmful to you. There are a lot of conversations that you and your wife need to do to see how you each feel about such situations. Will swinging be a good place for you two to explore sexual fantasies? Are both of you ready? Is your relationship strong enough to endure the many issues and bumps that will occur on the journey? Will there be jealousy? What are each of your fears? Boundaries? These are subjects you two need to discuss before jumping into swinging. Has she been seeking something that she is afraid of asking you for or is there a disconnect between you two that lead her to seek it in this other man? Are you able to provide it personally or at least be in a supportive role? What about her for you with your sexual fantasies?

 

Fourth, there can be some overlap for some couples in terms of having an open marriage and swinging but they are not the same thing. There are swingers who have an open marriage, there are couples who have an open marriage that don't swing, and there are swingers who don't have open marriages. We are in the latter camp. To us, an open marriage is where each partner can seek out anyone they want to without any need to disclose what each one does to the married partner. Whereas, swinging is something that we do together. We determine if we are both interested in a couple or not. If one of us is interested in a certain couple but the other is not, then it's a no-go for the couple all together. That is what swinging is for us. For other couples, their rules may be more lenient or stricter. It varies on the couple and what they are comfortable with.

 

As it stands right now, neither of you should be talking about having an open marriage or swinging. There are some issues that both of you need to talk about because it sounds like the relationship you two have isn't quite on strong enough ground to withstand what swinging, much less an open marriage, can put it through.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

Files found on a computer's hard drive are not evidence of a crime. Almost certainly evidence of a curiosity. This will require patience, understand and some frank discussion. I will not quibble over the definitions of words and phrases like swing or open marriage. I have a suspicion that few people could define them with complete accuracy.

[3622maw 39]

It's great advice and I'm using it all

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I think I can speak for all of us here and say that we're all hoping you two can work through this together! I hope you are willing to keep us updated on how things go.

[GoldCoCouple 4,063]

Yes, please keep us updated and let us know if there is anything else we can do to help.

[3622maw 39]

I just wanted to let you all know that we have been talking and we are working everything out. As for me going into the computer, this isn't her personal computer, it belongs to both of us it is set up in our den down stairs. She does have her own laptop and a tablet. Those i have never even tried to look at. The file didn't have a password to protect it either.