Separate play in swinging hurting our marriage

[krys091 16]

So I'm not exactly sure this is where this question would go, but I don't know where else other than a swinger website to post about it.

 

My husband and I have been swinging for 10+ years, over the last 2 or so I haven't been in the mood to swing and doing the reverse of what would be the normal swinging pattern (starting looking for just girls, moving on to soft swap with couples, changing to full swap with couples) we started looking for the single girls at the end instead of the beginning. Which as everyone knows the elusive unicorn is typically difficult to obtain.

 

We have had girl friends in the swinging side of things over the years, the time involved just is too consuming. We make a very good living and so we decided to start on Sugar Baby websites.

 

My problem isn't aimed on the fact that we are dealing with sugar babies...just giving some background information.

 

I'm not even sure exactly what my issue is, and as I said previously this seemed like the only place to explain and possibly have someone that may somewhat understand.

 

Anytime my husband wants to be alone with whatever girl it is I flip out.

 

I feel like steel bands are across my chest and the anxiety is crazy...

 

I don't care if he is in the same room playing with her, I don't care if we are in a suite and they play in the other room, I don't care if I am sleeping and they are playing.

 

It's when I have to be somewhere else and he doesn't want to be alone so he asks to have company, or he needs to go somewhere and I can't join him and again he doesn't want to be alone.

 

At these times he asks me if whatever person can go with him or be with him etc...I initially always say no, he gets upset "that I would rather him be unhappy and lonely" and I typically cave thinking either I will get through it or he will somehow take my feelings more into account because he knows that I don't really want it to happen. Neither of which ever happen...

 

What happens instead is I end up clawing at the walls waiting to hear from him alternating between mad at myself and upset with him and her. If it's late night or over night I can't sleep I just drive myself crazy...

 

Then comes the moment of reckoning, he's back and I am upset and he can't understand why I would be upset when I told him to do it. I turn into the "selfish harpy" (my words not his) because I would prefer him to be unhappy.

 

When in truth the whole reason I say he can do it to begin with is because I do truly want him to be happy, I just can't stand how I feel during and afterwards. I don't feel like the good/cool wife, I feel like a pushover which I am normally not... which he will point out how can I be so weak that I allow something I know that I can't handle. I don't know why. I just continue to do it to myself.

 

I don't like feeling crazy, so it's not like I am a glutton for punishment or crave to feel like this... I don't get off on it, I don't like feeling upset and hurt towards him. Typically I then distance us from whoever it was that he spent this time with and cut all contact because I transfer all the hurt feelings to that person. It's the only way for me to really move on I think.

 

He can't understand why it's okay if I am around but not okay if I am not. I don't have an answer as to why there is a difference there just is. He thinks it's because I am a control freak and have to control his movements, I don't feel like that's the case. Because it is okay if I am sleeping, in which case I'm not in "control" just around.

 

I feel like I am being replaced I guess...it's no longer an us thing, it's a him and her thing. I feel like an after thought. It's not a good feeling. Calling and texting I feel like I am interrupting and an inconvenience.

 

The last time which just happened was the worst/longest 30+ hours where at the end I feel just drained and still not completely at peace. He doesn't do details well, so full disclosure doesn't typically happen...and I continue to ask for more information (which I get upset over so I get it, he would rather not tell me). I need things to make sense, I need timelines to match up and when they don't I get a little crazier than I already am at that point. I want him to hurry home not take his time and enjoy himself, I want him to realize I am waiting and going crazy.

 

He is the love of my life and my other half, I can't imagine my life without him...I am very happy with him in our everyday lives, that's not the issue. It's these moments that I have a hard time with.

 

How do I make it make sense...to him or to myself. How do I let it go and move on easier. How can I explain that it's not rational thoughts that just because it's okay when I am there doesn't mean it's okay all the time. And there isn't a thought out reason, it's just feelings. How do you explain why you have a feeling...how do you break down that feeling into all its parts?

 

I can't just not care, I wish I could...it would be easier.

 

I still enjoy going out on dates with girls with him, and taking them back to the hotel room. It's something that we do together that we get away for the weekend and enjoy.

 

How do I separate that from him going alone, how do i specify a difference when to him there isn't one.

 

We aren't at an impasse our life together isn't swaying on a platform or anything like that, and he has agreed no more solo trips...and we aren't arguing, but I still feel off kilter. He says something or I see something and it just makes me upset...not really mad, not completely crazy but just off.

 

I have agreed not to be such a pushover when it comes to this particular subject.

 

The girl on the last trip actually recorded part of their time together...I talked her into letting me buy the recording... at which point i deleted her from my phone. I didn't really think about him when I deleted it...at that moment I just wanted her gone. Of course he feels like I did it on purpose and asked how I would feel if he had deleted something. I would feel like he was hiding something, I wasn't...again not rational thought just going off of feelings.

 

I don't know what I am looking for here, I don't know if I will find what I am looking for anywhere. I guess just a place to maybe get someone Else's insight, there aren't very many places or people you can talk to about these kind of things.

 

He's not an epic asshole or a bad person, and understand this is my side of things and my thoughts and feelings so please no bashing if you have read this far.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

My $.02:

 

First, I'm kind of on your side here somewhat. You are looking for girls where they are looking for $$$ and willing to do whatever they have to in order to get it. When you are not around, they probably ARE trying to replace you. I don't think that this is a good plan from the start. Swinging is all about love, trust and communication and there is no trust with these girls (maybe not all of the girls, but certainly most). You are not finding unicorns there, just expensive, dangerous thoroughbreds with paper mache horns glued to their heads.

 

Second, it sounds like you both need to work on the communication part as well. It sounds like you are doing something you don't want to do in order to try and make him happy (at the cost of your own unhappiness). Also a bad plan. Whenever me or my SO disagreed on something, it ends there. We may discuss it at a later time to determine why one of us is feeling the way we are, but if one of us says no, they answer for both of us is no (always move at the speed of the slowest person). Neither of us would try to change the others mind at that time. Their answer is their answer and changing it is just giving in. Neither of us would ever want to do something that would hurt (or even just make the other feel uncomfortable or bad) the other. I don't know why your husband doesn't mind hurting you for his own selfish wants (it's not even a need).

 

So....communication problems involving others that cannot be trusted equals you having a very bad time with this. Reconnect with him and talk this out...and I would recommend finding someplace else to look for unicorns. Good luck.

[Alura 2,775]

Near as I can figure, there are three reasons humans have sex: Love, Fun, and Power. Mrs. Alura and I dismissed "power" as basically immoral. "Love" we could only make with each other. That left "fun" as a way to share our sex lives with others. When outside sex fills a need other than recreation, even if it is only a temporary way to ease loneliness, a couple treads on dangerous ground. In my opinion, couples who try to do the same things with other people that they do together, are making a serious mistake.

[angelkin 1,326]

First of all, welcome to the forum and I applaud your courage for posting your situation for advice. I am sorry that you are in pain and confused. You've written a long post here - I'll try to contain all my thoughts into concise points.

 

It's a tough thing when we don't understand our own feelings and are unable to explain the internal, visceral reaction to the person we love the most. It's good to evaluate, good to reflect, good to discuss such feelings and try to move past them. However, it doesn't sound as if your husband is really being supportive as he should be. Instead of listening to you and honoring your feelings on separate play/dates/trips when you at first say "no", he's manipulating you by saying you "would rather him be unhappy and lonely". Really, isn't he making you unhappy and lonely, isn't he being selfish? He's twisting your arm and you are letting him.

 

Keep in mind that feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. You don't have to get over them or make them go away. You're not less of a swinger, wife, or partner because you have jealousies. So many times, swingers put the jealousy aside pretending it can't exist or has no place in their relationship because jealousy is a social construct we, as swingers, categorize as a personal failure in our path to complete compersion and acceptance. There is nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable with separate play. Many swingers never take their adventures that far. As beginners, we hear we should move at the pace of the slowest partner...somewhere along the way the two of you have moved away from that mantra.

 

We are adults, sometimes we have to be alone. It sucks. We have to travel on business and entertain ourselves. It sucks. I know we are only getting your side of the story here, but it sounds as though he is quite selfishly enjoying his exploits knowing that it causes you great anxiety and pain. This is not a healthy marriage and I think you know that.

 

He's playing around with the sugar babies, enjoying their company and play. He's living a separate life, he's someone else with them...Mr. Moneybags, Mr. FunTime, Mr. Sexy, Mr. Cool, Mr. Single. I am guessing he does things with his play friends like shopping, dining out, sightseeing...and to this I echo wise Alura's sentiment, "In my opinion, couples who try to do the same things with other people that they do together, are making a serious mistake". From the sound of your post and own self-assessment, it's not the sex that's really bothering you, it sounds like it's the time and sharing and maybe even the potential for emotional attachments. I can't blame you.

 

I fear you personally are headed toward a breakdown and your marriage is headed down the tubes. My suggestion is that all swinging activities cease here and now, the together you find a sex-positive marriage counselor, and the two of you get back on common ground where your relationship and your joint security and happiness is the most important thing. I think a personal counselor could be of benefit to you as well. You admit that you've become a pushover and he perceives you as weak - you've lost yourself in all this.

 

None of this is easy, things that are worth it rarely are. You need to stand up for yourself and renew some boundaries in your marriage. He needs to recognize the pain he is causing you and stop acting like a selfish child. You both need to stop baiting one another with this sugar baby situation and get back to real.

 

I encourage you to come back to this thread as time progresses and let us know how you're doing, how things are going, and what steps have been taken to get back to each other. I wish you all the best.

[Suburbanites 20]

All great advice above, and I have no position for or against sex workers, but the CPA in me would say that you're probably not getting a very good deal. The whole sugar babies thing implies that they just don't want a glass of milk - they want to keep milking the cow. Probably the best advice here would come from Charlie Sheen - "I don't pay girls for sex. I pay them to leave." Maybe your husband should take that advice.

[Mrkrys091 15]

So for starters, I very much appreciate this forum being available and I only decided to take part in it to help clarify some information in the hopes that your words of wisdom can help my wife. I'm not here to defend my actions nor justify them. I'm an open book, ask any questions and I'll answer them. As a disclaimer, I'm dyslexic so excuse the horrible grammar/spelling.

 

Suburbanites, We actually don't look at it that way, though the quote has been said by me before and in certain situations we have done exactly that. We look at the financial assistance we offer a SB as simply a means of them being able to free up the time to spend with us. Together. Typically we enjoy having a girl's attention for the weekend, most being younger than us typically need a PT job to support themselves through school. As awkward as it becomes at times, I'd much rather be that source of income and us enjoy her time than not have it. We aren't talking a major cost either. Maybe 1% of our income for the year if we maintained a girl for the entire year. I personally can't handle being around someone that is a "starving student" counting her pennies when we take her out for a 300 dollar meal and gamble 500-1000 dollars in a night. It's not fair to expose someone to that and then have them go back to their reality on Monday worse off than when we met with them on Friday. I'm suppose to watch her drive off with bald tires and failing breaks? Her issue isn't SB's...

 

Angelkin. You need to put this into context. We are talking about maybe 2-3 times a year at most I'm asking to be alone with a girl. Not because I want to actually be alone, it's just because her (my wife's) schedule doesn't allow for her to be included and my schedule leaves me alone. I'd guess to have some form of reference, 30-40 weekends a year we are attempting or doing some form of swinger or SB activity. She absolutely needs this "fun time" to balance our ridiculously and over bearing work schedule. A schedule that is caused by my extreme ambition, a curse and a gift I suppose. I very much enjoy the physical time which helps justify in my head working from morning to night, without leaving my house for the entire week typically. Not just the SB physical time, the entire weekend that typically bleeds into the start of the week when we are alone. My body is sore and tired by the time my wife is done with me and the emotional pain of our work schedules take over, typically around Tuesday or Wednesday. Before this I use to grind away at computer games and never leave my office, something she fears I'll revert back to. A path I deny myself because I know how it makes her feel.

 

I without a doubt put her in a situation where I asked for this, she said no and then I was unhappy with the decision. I then more than likely persuaded her to grant me my request because she saw i was unhappy with the idea of being alone for a task that needed to be completed. A task, as it so happens I was doing for her which I know i needed to do but really didn't want to. So, the concept of someone going at their own speed? How exactly does that person become motivated to take the next step, to attempt something new and risky? Isn't it out of a desire to please the other partner's desires and fantasy? I obviously didn't take this recent, grueling trip with this girl with the intentions on causing this level of fireworks, I thought she could handle it better. So you have the background story, not that it matters, I needed to drive 900 miles which I completed in a 30 hour turn around time. We had a few hours that we spent at a beach along with a night over at a hotel that my wife would only stay at in a pinch. The entire trip otherwise we were driving or eating. I'm not exactly sure that is Mr Funtime, less she loves car rides. She didn't have her head out the window the entire time so I'm guessing it wasn't the time of her life. The hotel was fun, not as much as it should of been for her though. I didn't have my partner in crime with me, and I wasn't on my A game for sure.

 

GoldcoCouple. She absolutely has no concerns about me leaving her for a SB. It's possible at some hidden sub concision level the thought exists, but in reality it's simply not possible to any human that knows our situations and how we act towards each other. This particular SB who she met previously alone was someone that she had absolutely zero risk with. I pushed her actually as it so happens to meet her since my schedule didn't really allow me to be there with her and she was literally driving right past her with free time. It wasn't a play date, just a meeting over coffee.

 

To give you all an update, after we came back from the road trip the girl I was with figured out my wife was nearby in a hotel and asked for us all to meet up, in truth she wanted her far more than me. Her motivation wasn't money, it was girl/girl fun. My wife told me clearly she didn't want that at this point so I dropped her off at home and then went to the hotel room, at which point we spent days...DAYS picking apart my little adventure and receiving an interrogation that her lawyer mother would be proud of. Somewhere along the way I obviously realized that this isn't something I want to happen again, nor is it something she can handle. Regardless of if she tells me she can or not, this in itself is a huge concern to me. When I say something, I mean it. The SB thing is because she actually enjoys these girls, shopping with them and getting tipsy at a strip club/bar. I'm simply not that much fun when we go out....I never drink, I don't dance, I'm always lost in my head solving a puzzle. I enjoy watching her with these girls, she enjoys watching me with them. The issue isn't the actual SB, it's when she isn't around to hear the conversations and to watch us interact her emotions take over without any input allowed from her brain. It's separation anxiety on steroids which by me being constantly at home and boring she has never really seen a need to control. We all have our faults and I currently believe it's something she isn't going to be able to rise above unless drugs are used. I simply don't need to do this enough to ask my wife to swallow pills to handle it. The concept disgusts me. I have my faults too, thank god she can accept most of mine.

 

In the end, I realized years ago she is my only true friend in this world. I'd figure out how to part the Red Sea if she needed me to, learning how to cope with only having sex with random girls with her eyes nearby is a concession I'm sure I can handle. Yes, my life is awesome. I simply wish for my own selfish reasons she could see this for what it was, i suppose my ambition gets the better of me at times and I'm always looking for just a little bit more of what i want. In the future when the next time I have to be alone and the opportunity presents itself that I don't have to be (some girl we are dealing with has the time off) I'll ignore the option. I learned what happened to Icarus, I'm not interested in repeating his error. We all have our limitations, I recently learned one of mine.

 

Again I'll answer any questions, but this going down the path of anti-SB stuff isn't helpful. She clearly says so in her post and I'll echo it. The concern is when I'm wanting to be alone with one we have the choice for either her to be unhappy or for me to be unhappy. We tried her being unhappy and I'm not a huge fan of the outcome...

[sunbuckus 3,569]

First of all, welcome to the forum, krys091 and Mrkrys091! I think it's great that both of you have come and shared both sides of the situation.

 

Second, concerning all of the SB advice, I think most of it stems from the fact that SB's might not really understand the swinging mentality for a couple. It's often why a lot of us advise against playing with vanilla couples, vanilla singles, and anyone who doesn't understand what swinging is for a couple. Many vanillas might view all swinger couples as being on the brink of destruction or a relationship as being a free-for-all. While that might be the case for some swinger couples, it certainly isn't for those couples who are successful in swinging. Those who continue to have a strong relationship and swing acknowledge the boundaries and limitations that each other has and adjusts their swinging style accordingly.

 

Which leads me to the third point: I think you realize how you have been acting and been selfish because you wrote:

 

I pushed her

 

and

 

I simply wish for my own selfish reasons

 

but I think your desire to be with another woman or have some kind of "swinging" experience has clouded your judgment...and it's easy to do. I think we've all been there, especially when we know that something is easily within our reach and we want it badly so sometimes we forget to listen to what our partner also wants. Mrskrys091 is trying her best to tell you that she's not comfortable with this type of "swinging" but instead of acceding, you pushed back and it blew up to something even bigger. So, one of the things you two might need to work on is communication and listening to each other. Mrskrys091 can listen to your feelings and thoughts and you for her.

 

Fourth point I want to make is in regards to:

 

I'd guess to have some form of reference, 30-40 weekends a year we are attempting or doing some form of swinger/sb activity. She absolutely needs this "fun time" to balance our ridiculously and over bearing work schedule.

 

If you two really have a tough work schedule between the two of you, then that leaves little "alone couple time". Just the two of you. No one else. You both need to attend to each other's relationship first and make it strong before adding anyone else to the mix. She is with you because she loves you and you with her. You both should be able to enjoy each other's company without someone else to provide a distraction/entertainment. Work on the relationship and the intimacy between you two and perhaps in the future, there will be more comfort on her end in regards to you being alone with someone else because as I see it, maybe you two don't have enough time together. And here you are spending alone time with another woman (and that does and will create intimacy and emotional attachment if done with the same woman multiple times.)

 

Mrskrys091 wrote:

 

...it's no longer an us thing....

 

If there is one thing you take away from all of this, please listen to your wife's words. It's a cry for help for the "us" relationship you two have.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Just a couple of quick things...

 

"...we spent days...DAYS picking apart my little adventure..."

 

She posted her concerns less than two days ago, so while you may have spent days picking this apart, it sounds like she still has concerns.

 

"The concern is when I'm wanting to be alone with one we have the choice for either her to be unhappy or for me to be unhappy."

 

If I made my SO unhappy, I know that would make me unhappy. So in my case the options are either I am unhappy or we are both unhappy.

 

I hope that we hear back from Krys but it at least sounds like you are all talking. We both wish you the best and look forward to hearing more positive experiences from the two of you.

[krys091 16]

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond.

 

I think the thing that is the most confusing is this and it has been repeated in various different perspectives... one person should not do something to make the other person unhappy.

 

So how do you work around something that one way one person is happier but the opposite way the other person is happier?

 

The thought of "if my SO is unhappy than I am unhappy", it wouldn't just apply to him towards me it would have to apply to me towards him as well.

 

One way he is being the selfish one wanting to make himself happier at the cost of me not being, the other way I am being the selfish one making myself happier at the cost of him not being.

 

Figuring out who gets to be right and who gets to be wrong, when there isn't a rulebook on how things are supposed to be is tough.

 

The conclusion? He can handle not doing it, I can't handle him doing it. So in the future it won't be done.

 

I don't think it is something that I will ever want to do, nor something that I will ever enjoy. Does that mean my selfishness won out?

 

I want to be a part of it, and honestly I hope I always will want to. I don't want to not care.

 

I am sure we will continue to talk about this to some extent for awhile, emotionally I am much better...much more whole. I think he understands better, or at the very least able to see how obvious it is that this is not a path I want to take. I still need to do my part too. If something is really not okay I need to make sure that it is not just known but heard. I was mad at myself too because I did say yes in the end. Which really saying yes and being mad afterwards was unfair to him, even though he did know it really wasn't okay and that I had said no to begin with...I still ended up saying yes. It was unfair to hope that he would say he wasn't going to do it after all or that I would somehow just be able to deal with it.

 

=============================================================================================

 

Just to clarify on the topic of SB's vs Unicorns I would like to add that there have been other times with Unicorns that I had the same feelings, this was not directed at her being an SB. This time just happened to be with an SB, and it was the longest period of time and the worst for me emotionally.

 

Really our experiences with SB's and Unicorns has been very similar, there are just more guidelines on our dealings with SB's. Both we pay for whatever we are doing - dinner/clubs/shopping/drinks/hotels/trips etc. Unicorns, we have helped out financially when they needed it because in the end we didn't want something else to be a major hurdle for them or more important than whatever we happened to be doing. IE They needed tires and brakes on their car, a bill came up that they hadn't planned for... We have paid for things like that instead of them having to work extra shifts or overtime and allowing them to be free on the weekend. SB's, basically it is the same thing...we don't give them an envelope of cash on the nightstand. The major difference is after the first date assuming we click and decide to continue is that we give them some sort of financial assistance so they don't have to work on the weekends, an allowance it does not change based on the amount of times we see them, it does not change based on if we sleep with them or not. It does allow for them not to be working when we would be going out.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

So how do you work around something that one way one person is happier but the opposite way the other person is happier?

 

Being in any relationship, whether it's friendship, marriage, or anything else, there has to be some compromise. And some people just aren't as compatible with each other as they would like to think. If one person really prefers to stay home 99% of the time and the other would go crazy staying home that often and really needs to go out and be a social butterfly, that would be a case where doing one thing (staying home/going out) would make one happy but the other unhappy. Each of them have to make concessions to make the relationship work or they have to face the truth and find more compatible partners.

 

Are there people who are happy with just monogamy? Yes. Are there people who need to be non-monogamous? Yes. And there are people in between who go through phases of wanting to be monogamous and then non-monogamous after a few months/years and back again. Add to the fact that people change and sometimes the changes people go through in life end up not be compatible with the partner they thought they would be with for a long time just doesn't happen. There are people who drift apart even if they do their best to work on their relationship and make the necessary compromises and such. Just like there are couples who are together for decades and decades and aren't really compatible but do so out of...whatever reasons they have (financial, emotional, religious, etc.).

 

So, how do you work around something that one way makes one person happy but the other unhappy? Well...it makes me happy to leave a pile of dishes because I can be pretty lazy and I'd rather do other things than to stand at the sink and clean dishes but it makes Mr. Sun unhappy. Knowing that something that I do (or in this case, don't do) makes him unhappy makes me want to change my habit to make him happier so I do my best to get to those dishes as soon as possible so they don't pile up and make the kitchen messy. I do that because I love him and I want him to be happy. Just as others have stated above, even though I dislike cleaning or doing dishes, his unhappiness makes me unhappy so I would do what I can to make him happy.

 

But! I said, "I would do what I can to make him happy." Cleaning dishes is one thing. Having him go off with another woman alone is another. So, let's use a more suitable example: a few years ago, I was enjoying having a lot of separate play dates with a swinger partner. The frequency was making Mr. Sun unhappy and we talked about it. I was blinded by my selfishness and desires that I had lost sight of how it was affecting Mr. Sun. I wanted to see Mr. Playmate a few times a week. Mr. Sun suggested once a month. I balked at that because I would barely see Mr. Playmate under those terms. So, I will admit...I struggled because what I wanted would make me happy but doing so would make Mr. Sun unhappy.

 

So, what did I do? Well, I knew exactly what would happen if I continued on the track that I was on...I would destroy my relationship with Mr. Sun so I stepped back and decided to stop seeing Mr. Playmate. Was it tough? You bet it was. Was I feeling put out/held back? Absolutely. But I valued the relationship I had with Mr. Sun more and knew that the tough decision was the right decision because the relationship I had with Mr. Sun was a high priority for me as was his feelings.

 

Swinging is the icing to our relationship. Actually, I hate calling it that because I hate icing and often throw it in the trash but maybe it's fitting because a little can go a long way and if something were to happen that we had to stop swinging, then swinging would "go in the trash". We are both willing to stop swinging for each other if it makes the other unhappy.

 

One other thing I want to point out: it's okay to go "back" to previous swing styles. For example, a couple might start with soft swapping and then move to full swapping. Somewhere down the line, full swapping doesn't work for one of them. It's more than okay to go back to soft swapping. Perhaps in your case, it's better to return to same room swapping--no separate room/separate dates.

 

As for the SB and unicorn issue, I won't go into the financial aspect of it. What I do want to emphasize is that the journey you two undertake in finding a suitable couple for both of you might be more rewarding than you think. Don't see the end result as something you need to race toward. Reconnect with each other and enjoy the ride that you two will take in searching for a suitable couple. Will it take much longer? Yes, but it's just like marriage. You don't race toward retirement or the deathbed just because that's the end of the tunnel. No, you enjoy life together. Learn about each other as well as from each other. Experience life together. Grow and mature together. Laugh and cry together. That's what the journey of swinging is as well.

[angelkin 1,326]

MrKrys091 - I am glad you came here to add your side of the story. I'm a big believer that there are always three sides to every story - his, hers and the impartial truth. The best thing about this forum thread is that the two of you are talking to one another, you've both had the opportunity to read what the other has posted and hear the responses from the membership here. Sounds like in the short term the two have you have agreed that alone time with others isn't an option based on the way it makes MrsKrys091 feel - and in my estimation that's a good thing.

 

I'd still encourage the two of you to stop swinging and spend some time reconnecting with one another. It sounds as though your down time is so limited and when you have time together, you're focusing on swinging instead of one another. Swinging is like anything else, it can become an addiction and too much of a good thing isn't good.

 

I wish you the best of luck in working toward a symbiosis in your relationship and hope that this situation has opened both your eyes to some issues you need to work through.

[intuition897 2,179]

I'm just going to summarize. Mrkrys appears to struggle with workaholism, which creates more stress in relationships. I think if you find ways to slow your pace and reduce your workload, and try to spend more time with one another, you may find it helps a great deal. If nothing else, it's a demonstration of where your priorities lie, which I'm sure Mrskrys will appreciate.

 

In my experience, jealousy (which is what this kind of boils down to) is a self-created problem that happens when the parties involved have to fill in the blanks when the questions arise about their partner's intentions and feelings. If you have to assume or guess, you're giving jealousy a toe-hold and it grows like a goddamned weed on steroids in the fertile soil of doubt. Even a little doubt is enough. So I've learned to see it as a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. If I feel a jealous twinge, I don't freak out, I just recognize it as a warning sign that Mr. intuition and I need to clarify some stuff and get back on the same page. And I should mention that there's a difference between knowing the truth in your head, and knowing it for a fact in your heart. Until you feel it heart-deep, it's still just theory.

 

Mrskrys' feelings are what they are. Just recognize them as a symptom of miscommunication. Get to the root of them and always come from a place of love/kindness/concern for one another. Feeling hurt and unloved is deeply unpleasant; we know neither of you wants the other to feel that way.

 

Don't know if this is helpful, but wishing you all the best.