Recent health scare thoughts?

[wwjdcb 25]

Hey all. Hubby here. Recently my wife had her annual check up upon which she was directed to have a follow up concerning cells. During the follow up with the specialist, where she received a colposcopy, she was given a weird vibe when the specialist mentioned she should not "have" whatever is present if she was in a monogamous relationship - read: your husband is likely cheating on you.

 

My wife is quite unwilling to discuss our private lifestyle with any doctor, against my recommendation. As she is also in the field, she feels it will diminish her respect level. Anyways, we felt based on the evidence we had so far, that she had or has HPV which are causing abnormal cells. She had a biopsy which came back inconclusive. She has since gone for another follow up which included a LEEP procedure. We are presently awaiting any results that may follow. While the early results are somewhat reassuring (no cancer, yet), this has obviously struck us hard. We are not active in the lifestyle but certainly enjoy things from time to time. If the cause of the abnormal cells is HPV, we have a very good idea where she (we) got it. We didn't use condoms with the last female partner we were with (our mistake). However, based on all the materials we have read, it is unlikely that condom use would prevent the spread of HPV in this particular scenario (MFF) as oral play and digital play was definitely in the mix and we simply won't take steps to constantly sanitize!

 

This has my wife (and myself to a lesser degree) questioning our choices and our willingness to continue in this type of lifestyle. While our feelings to the act itself haven't changed, neither of us feels it's worth risking hers or our health. Although I can't say I would be happy with giving it up. Just wondering if anyone out there has had any similar experiences or has any thoughts on the subject.

[angelkin 1,326]

Hoping someone from our medical community stops by to lend some advice. I am sorry you're struggling with this and somewhat surprised that your wife doesn't see the value in sharing lifestyle habits with her doctor. IMHO, it's important that our doctors know what risks we are taking and can treat us accordingly.

 

This site says most adults will get it in their lifetime and it usually resolves on it's own.

 

Most swingers accept that no matter how careful we are or how choosy we are that non-monogamy carries some health risks. Only the two of you can decide if the risk is worth the reward. You say you could walk away from the lifestyle, maybe an extended break will help you decide what's best for you.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

An unexpected diagnosis of anything is always unsettling, so sorry you are having to go through this. The link angelkin provided is a good one, and from some reading there and other reputable sites, I'm having a hard time reconciling what your specialist said with HPV. The rate of infection is so high, that any adult with HPV should not come as a surprise to anyone. Also, it's impossible to determine where you got it, so best not to even worry about that. From what I understand, it could have been years or decades ago. Young females are testing positive for HPV even prior to their first intercourse, so basically any sexual contact of any type can transmit it.

 

I'm no medical professional, but something isn't adding up here. Either it's not HPV like you suspect, she misinterpreted the vibe she picked up on, or you need to find another specialist. What is adding up is she's not comfortable with him/her, and no matter how this turns out, she should seriously consider finding someone she is comfortable with. There is a time for the holding your secrets close approach, but this isn't one of those times. Too, what kind of professional throws out something like that and then doesn't follow up with anything else and leaves you guessing and trying to figure it out on your own? I understand they may not know for sure at this point either, but they should at least run down the possibilities for you, and if they won't, then again, time to find one who will. Going through these things is hard enough without someone who is supposed to be helping the situation but instead is making it more difficult.

 

Like most things in life, swinging is a calculated risk. If just walking away from it would reduce your stress and worry level, then it's certainly something to consider. On the other hand, if it's something you both enjoy, then maybe just taking a break to give the facts time to work their way to the top and fill in the blanks to allow you to make an informed and calculated decision would be a good approach too.

[wwjdcb 25]

Thanks for the replies. I'm giving the Dr. a little bit of a pass here. The following is all opinion (ours) and not necessarily facts. She (Dr.) found something abnormal and immediately suspected HPV or another STI as the root cause. She conveyed this, without naming anything, was not the norm in a monogamous relationship and my wife should have a talk with me. My wife was told to await results of the biopsy. Results came back inconclusive so the LEEP procedure was ordered and the Dr., at that time, did not seem as concerned with everything as she was the previous visit. We are now awaiting the results once again from the LEEP. Based on our research, the results could be simply abnormal cells caused by nothing in particular, abnormal cells caused by HPV (very difficult to prove without further testing), pre-cancerous cells caused by HPV, or cancerous cells caused by HPV. At this point, given the first biopsy results, we are not nearly as worried about the last 2 options while the first 2 options remain in play. We are confident in being option 1 or 2.

 

The Dr. was not given any info on our lifestyle and I do not fault her for making the comments she did. Given the info she had, she did her best to protect the health of her patient. Of course we will be taking a lot of time to let this sink in and await the final test results. We never seem to do anything without a lot of discussion beforehand, so this will be no different. I just find it so damn frustrating. We've been together for 25 years. We got to the point where we were really solid with each other and able to share these experiences, albeit in a limited fashion (it is only a 1-3 times a year thing for us), and enjoy it. Now something like this comes along and threatens to wreck it for us. I guess I naively thought because of our very limited exposure, we would never run into issues.

 

Thanks again for the replies, it is nice to hear others thoughts on this. Angelkin - I completely agree with you, as does my wife, but she is unwilling to disclose this info. As I stated, she is also in the medical field and actually working at the same facility as the specialist. I can only accept my wife`s perspective on this issue as she is the one whom works there and is privy to the conversations and gossip that goes on.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

The good news is the ones to really worry for the most part have been eliminated, so that's great. That just leaves 1 & 2, and I'd try not to be overly concerned about those (easy for me to say I know). As you say, a result of abnormal cells can happen for no particular reason at all, and be nothing to worry about beyond just making sure to continue to have your normal checkups, which you should be doing anyway. If it's number 2, HPV-related abnormal cells, then that could go back a long time too and the cold hard truth is no changing it now. It too is something "abnormal", which is a word you never what you want to hear in any situation, but it's something that once the emotional shock wears off, then you come to terms with it as not as big of deal as you thought and you recover your equilibrium.

 

I don't work in the medical field, but I've never been under any illusion whatsoever that there isn't just as much gossip in the medical office hallways as there is at any other workplace. Your wife being one that walks those halls too makes that a sticky situation, that's true. It may be worth considering establishing a relationship with another doctor that isn't part of her workplace community. That doesn't mean she can't continue to see who she has been going to for everyday stuff, but if there does come a time when she feels like she needs to switch, then at least she won't be starting from scratch trying to find someone. Since this is obviously a very concerning issue to you both, getting a second opinion might be something to consider, and doing that has the added benefit of getting her started as a patient with someone else too.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

From a physician...

 

1. A health issue is a health issue. Medical professionals deal with health issues related to behaviors every day. Cirrhosis related to excessive alcohol use. Melanoma related to tanning beds. Lung cancer related to tobacco use. Sexually transmitted infections are common. Medical professionals deal with the health issue. There are some behaviors that we counsel against. There are others--like "safer sex"--that we endorse. But who and how many people a patient plays with are their own concern until we diagnose a reportable disease. Then and only then does the health department get involved, and that's by law.

 

2. Privacy and confidentiality is serious stuff. Contrary to what cplnuswing suggests, we do not discuss diagnoses or treatments outside of "need to know", especially when a colleague is involved.

 

3. If one is uncomfortable disclosing behaviors with a doctor, that's a problem within the doctor-patient relationship. Mend that relationship, or make a new one. Trust matters.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I worked in the medical field for a number of years. I agree with everything said here.

 

Find a provider you can trust to know the truth. If you are not monogamous you owe it to yourself and your partners to have regular STI screening. You can do this through planned parenthood or the county health department, but it's better to have a primary care provider who really knows you. My family Dr and Gyn know. I just said we are in an open relationship. It's not their place to judge or gossip. Medical professionals are trained in this manner and almost all do their best to uphold these values.

 

Sorry you are going through this. Hopefully it is not a big deal and everything is fine.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Perhaps this is more a function of where you live. We live in a very rural area where outsiders like us are rare, and gossip is a way of life. It's not the physicians that concern me, since they are almost always outsiders too and tend to take things like this more seriously. It's the rest of the staff. I have personally been signing in at the registration desk and heard conversations I shouldn't have heard. I have personally been waiting in an exam room and heard conversations that were taking place right outside the door in the hallway that I shouldn't have heard.

 

We don't go to that office any more, not just for that reason, but it's part of it. Instead, we go to a larger town where we can be just an anonymous patient, and not a patient + local resident and thereby considered "newsworthy". I think the key point here is to find someone/somewhere you are comfortable with and trust. If getting out of your own backyard helps with that, then do it.

[wwjdcb 25]

So the results came back as dysplasia (abnormal pre-cancerous cells) brought on by HPV. My wife will have follow up screens every 6 months for the next 18 months. The doc feels it should be cleared by then barring anything unforeseen. We haven't had the talk about our lifestyle future, but i am certain it will not continue. It has been pretty stressful, never mind all the issues with the procedures themselves (she had extended bleeding issues etc) By the time she is healed up, it will be about 8 weeks without intercourse! Of course the future is never clear but I think a healthy extended break would be the minimum for us. Thanks for all the replies on this, it was appreciated.

[wwjdcb 25]

Oh, it keeps getting better. Well, after starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, she felt something in her perianal area. Surprise! Genital warts from HPV! So she now has an incurable STI that is devastating to her. It appears she (we most likely) have been infected with at least 2 different strains of HPV. Whether this is from different times/people is anyone's guess. However, what is clear is the conversations we must now have with the 3 people we have been with. We are both in a mild state of shock. I mean, really, to be together over 20 years, faithfully, then only have sex with 1 couple (a few times) and 1 single woman and end up like this? I fully realize the risks we took-I'm venting of course.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

HPV often happens with people who were not sexually active before they started into swing. I know. It happened to me. Yes, you heard right. HPV exists in my nervous system. But I no longer have any prospect of transferring it to somebody else. My body, like almost anybody's, resolved the virus in about a year and a half.

 

Hoping this gives you hope.

[njbm 2,869]

All the best to wwjdcb. I think a lot about what my wife and I are exposing ourselves to. Hope anything you have quietly clears.

[wwjdcb 25]

Thanks for the replies. SW PA couple-your post did help. It is certainly nice to hear positive comments from someone who has gone through the same thing. Obviously in this situation, our minds race to our health first, then our own personal relationship/sex lives and swinging activities are far off in the distance.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Obviously in this situation, our minds race to our health first, then our own personal relationship/sex lives and swinging activities are far off in the distance.

As should be.

 

I am happy to know that my comments brought comfort. I am also happy to know that you are receiving responsible advice from the medical community.

[louisvillemojo 41]

I was also diagnosed with high risk HPV years ago, and was in a monogamous relationship at time. High risk kind can cause cancer and is usually found after a abnormal pap, and is not the type to cause warts (op I know u understand this, just clarifying for other curious minds) I had to have repeat paps every 6 months for a few years, then one day, bam, by body fought of the virus and it is no longer there.

 

The reason I mention this is because most adults do have HPV at some point in their lives. That new vaccine they have for it they will not give you unless you are a virgin under 18 years old, because if you have had sex, chances are you already have it. 90% of those people with the high risk kind (not the wart kind) never even know it and there body will fight it off on its on.

 

Sadly, HPV is a risk we all take and most of us have or have had it. There is not even a test available for males for it unless the type with warts are presented. I know it's a big scare, but please educate yourself well on it and keep a open mind. It's entirely possible that the high risk HPV is something that has been around since you were a teen.

 

As for the wart kind I'm sure your both devastated. This will definitely put a hamper on any future playtime. I would definitely get in touch with your play partners and make them aware of situation, and I would probably be very angry about the warts, that's something they had to have known about. I'm sorry this happened to you all.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Bumping this thread back up. 

 

As a "mature" couple, both our vanilla and LS friends are also in that "mature" age cohort where medical issues surface with increasing frequency and sometimes with alarming  severity. 

 

At the risk of overgeneralization, we'll share this observation: LS couples seem to weather health issues better than the vanilla couples we know. We think there are two reasons for this. 

 

First, the LS couples seem to be more focused on maintaining their physical, emotional, and mental health. They look after themselves. 

Second, the LS couples seem to be partners in addressing problems as they come up, finding ways to address and adapt as situations change. 

 

None of us gets younger, few get healthier with age. What LS couples being to the table are consistent attitudes of mutual commitment to healthy behaviors and to supporting the other when illness strikes. 

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I think those are very wise observations.  In general, I think lifestyle couples do have this unique combination of willingness to operate more independently in some ways, and and openness and willingness to operate more as a team than most in other ways.

[njbm 2,869]

Thank you, Fundamental Law, I agree with your sentiments. BUT, we thought 100% condom usage meant “safe sex” when we entered the lifestyle. As time went on, we learned that HPV and HSV are rampant and condoms are not particularly protective. 
 

We are older and passed HPV vaccine age. But I have a feeling it can be obtained off label if paid for. We are up to four or five friends who had hysterectomies due to persistent HPV infections and I have to say we are intimidated. 
 

Stay well and stay informed. 

 

 

 

[ROCKlandCpl 451]

Interesting article about oral sex and throat cancer 

 

https://nypost.com/2023/04/27/oral-sex-fueling-epidemic-of-throat-cancer-doctor-warns/?utm_source=url_sitebuttons&utm_medium=site buttons&utm_campaign=site buttons 

 

 

Edited April 29, 2023 by ROCKlandCpl