Ignore or respond?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Today I was listening to the Savage Love Podcast (so entertaining!) and Dan Savage was addressing a question about replying to online interest on hook up sites. I thought his perspective was really interesting.

 

He said that a short message online is the equivalent to someone making eye contact with you at a bar. If you weren't interested, you wouldn't walk over and say, "Thanks for checking me out, but you're not my type." That would be weird.

 

When you have an online profile, you are going to get lots of people who hope to flirt with you, just like when you walk into a bar, but you don't need to politely turn down every message, just like you wouldn't turn someone down for making eye contact, you would just ignore it.

 

This is counter to complaints that I often hear, "No one responds to me, everyone is fake or rude!" and other sites that urge you to reply to every email. I always say no response is either not interested or not interested at this time. Don't sweat it. Keep making positive gestures and you will find someone who is interested.

 

So, what do you think? Do you always respond, always ignore? Does Dan Savage's perspective change your view?

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

My own opinion is that a note in your inbox means more than just eye contact, and in most cases deserves at least a brief but polite "no thank you" response.

 

In fact, not only do I not agree with Dan Savage on this, I also think he's using faulty logic.

 

I don't agree because it takes more work to reach out and communicate with someone, even via a quick note online, than it does simply to make eye contact. And I also think there's more of an expectation of a reply when one sends a specifically-composed note to a particular destination than there is with a casual glance of eye contact, which after all can be cast about in a fraction of a second and be as quickly forgotten.

 

And even if I thought Mr. Savage was right about the "eye-contact = quick note on a hookup site" thing, I still think he's using faulty logic to justify rudely ignoring the sender of the quick note. If a quick note is equivalent to bar eye contact, then it seems to me that a quick "no thanks" note should be the equivalent of looking away rather than returning the gaze.

 

All that said, there are times when we choose to ignore the quick note! If a single guy pops up with a one-line note telling my wife that he wants to use his 8" cock on her, and by the way "hello", I have absolutely no problems ignoring that quick note!

[CB&DD 218]

We figure if someone took the time to look at our pics and read our profile and is interested enough to send a note then the least we can do is reply back. We have been known to ignore 1 liners with a dick pic though. If they had spent a little more time and effort they may have had a chance to use their junk instead of just taking pics of it. Lol.

[njbm 2,880]

We respond at least once to anyone who took the time to write to us.

[MrDiscover 802]

Ditto. We don't see it as eyecontact, we see it as someone that walks up to you and introduces him-/herself. Now chat, on SDC for instance, that is more like eyecontact. Unless the chat is more then something short or (semi)automatic.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I agree with the others, if someone took the time to write then we will take the time to reply. The few exceptions would be the one line dick pic type messages, and those we just ignore.

 

Actually, I think that was very poor advice on his part, because it takes away part of the social aspect of swinging. Playing the online game can get tiresome at times, but responding to messages is a social interaction, just like replying to a "Hi, how are you?" when a couple sits down next to you at a club and speaks to you. You may know right away you aren't interested, but are you just going to keep quiet and turn your head? No, for two reasons. One, it would be very rude, and two, what fun is it to go to a club or event and not talk to anyone? That's more or less what he is suggesting for an online approach.

[angelkin 1,326]

It it's clear that a person read our profile before sending a message, I always respond. If it's a one liner or a mass message, then I ignore it. The only online interaction I would consider the same as eye contact is a wink or a flirt...those I tend to ignore unless I am interested.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Before I answer the question, I will provide some background. Some of you have no idea how many goofy messages a profile will receive if it contains even the slightest hint that you or your spouse is willing to meet single men. I suspect the same happens with any single women who has an on-line profile.

 

Now the answer. We frequently ignore messages.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'll chime in with my thoughts.

 

I used to always reply. In the last year or so, it's become tiresome. I still usually reply, but I almost always say, "We'll be happy to say hi at the club or meet you at our events." This non-committal approach works well for us.

 

SW PA really hit the nail on the head with regard to being open to single guys and the absolute nonsense you get, often. Sometimes we do get off the wall messages from couples or single females, too.

 

Dan Savage was actually not talking specifically about swinger websites, more like Tinder and Grindr, I think. So I do see the point about swinging being more social.

 

Honestly, I think sometimes it is better to ignore. Here's an example. We sent a nice email to a couple, they nicely replied not interested. Friends introduced us at the club. We hit it off very well and are still friends 4 years later. I have a terrific memory so I knew right away when we were introduced that they had "rejected us online" I'm pretty sure they don't remember that. It could have been awkward. I've heard about people being nasty at the club when someone who has rejected their profile then later seems interested in person. I don't get that, but it happens.

 

Another example is a guy who I told "sorry not interested" when he emailed expressing interest. He replied back and told me I was too fat anyhow. I know that's total bullshit, and that guy won't last in the swing community, but it still made me feel bad.

[cruisingcouple 31]

 

Another example is a guy who I told "sorry not interested" when he emailed expressing interest. He replied back and told me I was too fat anyhow. I know that's total bullshit, and that guy won't last in the swing community, but it still made me feel bad.

 

Ms. CC would tell the guy to see if he could perform an anatomically difficult sex act on himself (go fuck yourself). ;-)

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Such an interesting topic, funcouple. And I'm so glad that you shared your thoughts about it afterwards. I'm sorry that guy was such an asshole to you. At least he proved that you were right in turning him down in the first place and showed his true stripes.

 

While my good-manners-side wants to politely reply to all of the messages we receive even if some are a "no thanks"...realistically, there are times when some slip through the cracks for a bevy of reasons. One is pure forgetfulness. We open it, we read it, we have to share with with the other one and decide if we're interested or not...and before we know it, a few weeks have gone by! Whoops. Others include what you all have posted above me...winks, flirts, single guys with dick pics and one-liners. And, unfortunately, some are from those we've gone from slightly interested to not interested and we aren't sure how to reply back in that change of disinterest so we end up ghosting (fading out).

[shy_couple 459]

We feel that it is rude to ignore someone who has taken time to contact us. I am not sure that I agree with this Savage logic. We are members is SLS and AFF. On SLS, you can see how many times your profile has been viewed but not who viewed it. The people!e who write have taken the time to read and decided to "approach" and in our opinion deserve a polite response interested or not. Otherwise if it were a bar situation, you would be the person who laughs in someone's face or gives a disgusted look and waves you away without saying a word.

 

In contrast on AFF, you can see who looked at your profile. In that situation, you wouldn't write or respond to everyone who casually viewed your profile. That would be the equivalent of speaking to everyone who made eye contact and a little stalker-ish, psycho, or at least creepy.

 

We rarely ignore. Usually only if it is a crude or obnoxious single male. Then it is ignore and block. But that seems to be a different thread altogether.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

We usually respond with a very polite 'thank you but we're not interested at this time', but if the contact is a generic fishing email (hi, we liked your profile, wanna do it?) then we just ignore it.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

I've commented about this before and got more comments from people who thought it was rude to just ignore. I agree with Dan Savage. You don't need to "politely" say "no but thanks anyway" to every response you are not interested in. Just ignore those. Some people don't handle "no thanks" or "rejection" well and things can turn ugly fast. Most reasonable people will get the message. Most reasonable people will move on to someone else.