Desperately need advice. He gave me an ultimatum

[ruralgal 19]

I'm new here. My husband of 25 years and I started swinging about 6 years ago. He encouraged it after we had a couple of drunken mfm's with male friends of ours. He joined a swinging website (without telling me) and posted an ad saying we were looking for single males for threesomes. When I found out what he had done I was a bit shocked, a bit intrigued, and also hurt that he didn't talk to me about it first.

 

Very quickly we got caught up in the parallel universe of swinging and I won't lie, I got a huge ego boost when I realized how attractive other men found me. So, fast forward to now. After having multiple mfm's, foursomes with couples, and also attending a few parties and going to a few clubs, I have realized that I don't at all enjoy seeing my hubby with other women.

 

I am also not attracted to other women. He has always gotten off on seeing me with other men and I so wish that I felt the same about seeing him with other women but I just don't. I freely admit I put up roadblocks to couple play and attending parties. I've said to my hubby numerous times that I just don't enjoy it when he is with other women and I find it really difficult.

 

His opinion is that I'm being selfish and want all the fun for myself. I've reminded him that we never actually spoke about what our desires/boundaries are when we started and I never said I wanted to see him with other girls. Things are now at a crisis point in our marriage and he has said that although he loves me, my selfishness over this is worth throwing our 25 year marriage away for.

 

His view is that why is it so hard for me to give him this one thing when he is a good Dad/provider etc. I struggle with the fact that he seems hellbent on pursuing it given that I've said I don't enjoy it. I'm so confused - I feel like he's manipulating me to get what he wants by threatening to leave, and I also feel terrible that I struggle so much to reciprocate and enable him experience the fun I have.

 

Does anyone have any advice to offer or similar experience to share? This morning he packed his bags and left, saying he needed to get away from me for awhile. Help please!

[VegasLee 1,486]

You need to sit him down over coffee and tell him just what you posted here.

You also need to think about maybe going to a counselor to work on this.

 

I am a big one on being open and honest in a relationship. He needs to take a step back and really be honest about if he is willing to toss your relationship in the trash over getting some strange once in a while.

 

Don't go along to get along. That will blow up in your face and his at some point.

 

Only you can make decisions that are going to effect the rest of your life. No one here can do it for you.

 

My personal view of this is he is being the one that is being selfish about all of this.

 

I would stop playing at all with anyone until you have this matter settled one way or the other. Might not be something the two of you need to be involved in any longer.

 

You have to do what works for you. No one else. It is YOUR life.

 

Good luck to you. Hope it works out the right way.

[kikonkrome 844]

I am sorry that your husband has just left you.

 

I agree that you should see a counselor about this. If your husband wants to see one or not is his choice, with you or with out you. I do not think you should suggest it. Counseling only works if the parties involved are fully committed to the process. I think at this point you both need to take care of yourselves first. Any time a long term relationship fails I think all parties should seek some counseling.

 

I do not think that your husband or yourself are being selfish. Relationships fail, it's a fact of modern life. What we choose to do after it defines our success.

 

You have got a long road ahead of you good luck.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Sorry you are having to go through this. To be totally honest, this was destined to fail from the moment it got started, when he put up a profile without your knowledge. The fact that you consequently enjoyed the MFM threesomes and some aspects of swinging doesn't cancel out that the whole thing started on a foundation of dishonesty, and that's a foundation that won't hold up over the long haul. I think at this point, putting the swinging on hold is an absolute must. It's time to focus 110% on your own relationship, and if either of you isn't willing to do that, then there's not much else that can be done to save it. Should you all be successful at that, and we really hope you are, and then at some point in the future the topic of swinging comes back up since once that genie is out of the bottle it is really hard to totally put it back in, then I would look at it like this -

 

He's up for couple on couple play; you don't like seeing him with another woman.

 

You don't specifically say it, but my assumption is he is up for watching you with another woman; you are not attracted to women.

 

He gets off with seeing you with other men; you have enjoyed that aspect of swinging too.

 

So, the common ground there seems pretty obvious. If swinging ever comes back into the picture, it needs to be with the understanding what the common ground is. As you reminded him, that conversation never happened when it should have. If he is hellbent on having it all, and not compromising to find the common ground, then that is his decision to make and he will own the consequences of that decision too.

[ruralgal 19]

I really appreciate everyone's wise and well thought-out replies, it's so helpful and reassuring to have a place to talk about this. I've told him I no longer want to swing and that I think it's destroying our marriage but he has ignored it. We clearly have a lot bigger issues than just the swinging and I'm going to get some counseling/therapy. I asked him if he was open to seeing a counselor and he said "not at the moment". He is using bullying tactics and giving me ultimatums i.e. "do it my way or I'm leaving you". I'm not going to cave this time, if "getting some strange" is more important to him than our marriage then I'm better off without him anyway. Again, thanks for the kind words and advice.

[intuition897 2,179]

We clearly have a lot bigger issues than just the swinging...

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel that swinging itself isn't usually the issue; it reveals the issues. You've laid it out pretty clearly: he's got tunnel vision and wants what he wants. His philosophy is that it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. He seems to resort to manipulation and bullying to get his way, and uses the fact that - yeah! - you enjoy other mens' attention against you in his argument. That's not fighting fair. If he didn't ask for your input before diving in, and he doesn't like the fact that your swinging preferences are actually pretty one-sided, then he gets what he deserves. That's the kind of stuff that gets sorted out when couples discuss the hell out of things before they get into it.

 

Good for you for not giving in. I agree, if getting some pussy is more important than respecting your feelings about it, he's not participating in your relationship the way an adult should.

[ruralgal 19]

Gosh, all of you are awesome! You have no idea how much your support means to me when I can't talk to anyone else about this. We talked today, after a lot of prodding from me. I told him I'm not going to swing anymore, and I that I'm making a few other changes in my life as well. I said I wanted to stay with him and work together on our issues. He said he wants to be with me too, and kept harping on about how I'm a control freak and I get to do what ever I want and this is THE ONE thing he wants from me. The stuff he is saying/texting to me is just unreal, and so hurtful, and I am trying not to take it to heart. He is the control freak here, his mother is very domineering and his Dad is very passive and I think those roles have been reversed in our marriage. It's quite scary to realize you've married a bully who uses threats, ultimatums and silent treatment to get his way. It's been going on for ages and I've blamed myself usually. Now I'm finally sticking up for myself and saying NO and he is freaking out.

 

Maybe someone here will have some input as to why he is so desperate to keep this going and be with other women? I wish I could understand. He says he likes swinging because we do it together and I said how can you enjoy it if you know that I am not?? What would be the reason? We have on okay sex life most of the time, it was better before we started swinging, he disagrees with me on this. He wants me to just "suck it up" (yes, his words... horrible, right?) and go along with it. He has been in a motel for the past three nights but is coming home tonight . I need to stay strong and not allow him to walk all over me. I think he's a good person at heart, but I don't think he's self aware enough to see the destruction and hurt he is causing. So I'll keep coming in here to post because it's helping keep me sane!

 

Once again, I'm very grateful for everyone's feedback and support. Thank you so much.

[MrDiscover 802]

I feel sorry for the position you are in now and wish you all the strength to cope with this! I agree with the above posts it is not about swinging but swinging is the magnifying glass for some issues.

 

(...) to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse,

 

Maybe it is harsh but here's a comparison to think about: what would he do when you got ill, like really ill (partially disabled due to a stroke, e.g.) so you can not get physical anyway. Would he leave you because you can't swing anymore? Or have sex with him? And if it was the other way round, he got ill and you kept wanting enjoying other men, how would he cope with that?

 

in sickness and in health

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

We're also sorry that you are going through this as well and wish you the best. We've said this a hundred times if we have said it once: Swinging is all about love, communication and trust. Sounds like the communication has been lacking since you started, and now the love and trust has been damaged as well. We have also said that if either one of us wanted to stop, BOTH of us would in a second and never look back. We are both more important to each other than swinging is to either of us. It doesn't sound like that is the case with your husband...and it really should be. Hopefully he will figure out that you are more important than 'playing' (especially when he figures out that single men are a dime a dozen in the LS). Swinging is referred to as 'playing' because while it is fun and enjoyable, it isn't a real relationship built on love, communication and trust. We hope the best for you and that he remembers how valuable you are to him before it's too late.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

"suck it up" tells me about all I need to hear. Not "let's try again and do it differently", not "what do you feel is missing", not "what do YOU want that we're not doing that we could", etc. It's not uncommon for one to get a faster start into swinging than the other, for lots of different reasons, but saying "suck it up" is not how you work through that finding your groove together.

 

He's using you on this. As others have said, being a single male in swinging is not an easy thing, and I imagine he knows that. You're his ticket into the couples side of swinging, which is much easier. As to the why, putting on my internet psychologist hat, maybe it's because deep down he's insecure and has a strong need to feel what he consider validation that he gets by having sex with other women? Just my $0.02, so maybe totally off the mark, but whatever it is, it is being destructive to you, him, and the relationship. You should be commended for working to keep things together, and I don't mean to say this lightly, but at some point, you have to start just taking care of you first.

[tribbles 490]

I really appreciate everyone's wise and well thought-out replies, it's so helpful and reassuring to have a place to talk about this. I've told him I no longer want to swing and that I think it's destroying our marriage but he has ignored it. We clearly have a lot bigger issues than just the swinging and I'm going to get some counseling/therapy. I asked him if he was open to seeing a counselor and he said "not at the moment". He is using bullying tactics and giving me ultimatums i.e. "do it my way or I'm leaving you". I'm not going to cave this time, if "getting some strange" is more important to him than our marriage then I'm better off without him anyway. Again, thanks for the kind words and advice.

 

At least you can see he is bullying you. Have you explored the idea of letting him go play alone?

Yeah, he is being a jerk to you and seems willing to toss away a very long term marriage but how fast do you want to toss it over this?

 

Yes the whole relationship has totally changed now. Yes he led you into it without being open. But he is also still the man you loved for 25 years and since you didn't flip out over non-monogamy with mfm, maybe see if being totally open to letting him play without you would work for you.

 

I know by the time I had 25 years in with my man, I'd have considered many things to stay and see where it led. Odds of him being happy banging strange for the rest of his life is damn slim. He may just need time to get over some stupid midlife crisis thing.

 

Only you can decide. Good luck. Go see an open minded counselor for yourself. This is a tough time.

[tribbles 490]

You know that ego boost you got from it with other men? He wants that from other women. It's not like being loved but it sure feels good, remember?

 

Will he get it out of his system? Probably....someday. Maybe separate till he does?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I feel for you. You're doing the right thing to stand up for yourself and go to a counselor. Take care.