I forgave her and she got mad?!?!

[Darkmoon 16]

One of the best things about us swinging is I felt that we had ultimate comfort in our marriage and that we both had let go of hurtful things from our past. Keep in mind that we are only 2 week veterans of swinging, so these could be growing pains, but here is my story.....

 

I've been with my wife for 7 years. 2 years dating, 5 years of marriage. After about a year of dating I found out that she had been texting her ex. Of course it was "it's not what it looks like, we're just friends". We got into a huge fight and split up. While we were apart she moves in with one guy and then another. Several months later we got back together. Of course the things that had happened were hurtful to me....even if we were technically not together.

 

Fast forward ahead to 2 years ago. She decided not to come home one night. I hear rumor that she's fucking some guy from her work. Then she fucks up and sends me a picture of her pussy one day that she meant to send to yet another guy. (At this point 5 guys that she has fucked or tried to fuck). She hooked up with a chick during this too, but I wasn't too upset about that.

 

So last night I tell her that I'm glad that despite all of the hurtful things from our past that we are now so comfortable and have put all of those things behind us that we are actually swinging and feeling good about it. (Big change given our history)

 

I tell her that I forgive her for all the things that she had done to me in the past. At this point I expected a hug and kiss and maybe even a "thank you" and a "I'm sorry". Nope. She blew the fuck up on me and asked how dare I forgive her. She said "shit happens and you have nothing to forgive". This absolutely destroyed my mindset and brought back all kinds of bad feelings.

 

Of course now I'm wondering if continuing to swing is right for us (or if timing is not right) because I felt like she shit on my feelings and down played them. Am I overacting? Is she right or wrong? I'd love to hear some advice If you please. I fear our marriage maybe wasn't as strong as I thought.

[MrDiscover 802]

What brought you to say those things, to rip open old wounds? You two have never let the wounds heal, it now all sounds this is just a continuation but with your consent. Maybe swinging is not so good idea after all, maybe you have found the old cracks in the foundation again.

 

Just ignore them and go ahead or fix them first, I would say.

[Darkmoon 16]

What brought you to say those things, to rip open old wounds? You two have never let the wounds heal, it now all sounds this is just a continuation but with your consent. Maybe swinging is not so good idea after all, maybe you have found the old cracks in the foundation again.

 

Just ignore them and go ahead or fix them first, I would say.

I guess in my mind if I verbally offered forgiveness that it would add more comfort to us. Of course it backfired and had the opposite effect. So I'm in the wrong?

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Hi, Darkmoon. I've been thinking about your post and how I would like to respond but I think it would help if you could clarify a few things:

 

Do you consider her actions from two years ago to be cheating/an act of betrayal? Does she view them as the same?

 

Did you forgive her then or is this the first time you feel you have forgiven her?

 

Has she in any way behaved remorseful for her past indiscretions? Has she continued to fool around with anyone since that time?

 

I know it sounds like I'm asking a lot of questions and I'm sure that there are probably tons of other questions that would help us to understand the situation between you and your wife but the catch is this--we all can offer our advice but we won't ever know the full story, even if you divulge everything and your wife comes and does the same. We don't personally know either of you and we aren't living in your shoes to actually experience it so the advice you may or may not receive might not apply just because we'll never know all the facts. But the members here can head it right on the head every so often.

 

Anyway, that's my usual caveat when giving advice here.

 

I have a unique perspective on this because not only have I been cheated on but I have cheated as well so it is easier for me to place myself in both positions.

 

Putting myself in your shoes (being cheated on), having trust in your spouse again is an uphill battle and for some couples, that trust can't be rebuilt. The reason why I asked about whether you have forgiven her before this point is because if you haven't, that's two years of limbo that the relationship has been in. With something as big as cheating, if you haven't forgiven her in two years, then that's two years of holding onto that anger, even if it abated here and there. The longer you don't give forgiveness, the harder it is to give it as time goes on. It also impedes on the couple's ability to rebuild their trust in one another. So, I can understand your confusion at her reaction but if this is the first time you've spoken about forgiving her in two years then that leads me to seeing it from her position....

 

Putting myself into her shoes (being the cheater), there could be some resentment in your sudden forgiveness after having the first swinging experience. Assuming this is the first time you forgave her, that means two years of knowing you held this over her and being angry about it. And considering that she's okay with MFM but not okay with a FMF, she might unconsciously see this as a "power play" where you forgive her and you might use this as a way to get that FMF in the future, even if you say you won't.

 

If you read the posts here long enough, you'll see many of the members emphasize that swinging couples need love, trust, communication, and respect for one another. Take any component out and the couple will not be strong enough, both for swinging and just as a vanilla relationship. We don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but if there is a lack of trust or a lack of communication or a lack of respect...swinging will definitely bring to light the cracks in the relationship and make them bigger. This can be a good thing if the couple is willing to work on those cracks and fix them. If one of them is not, then perhaps it was also for the best knowing that someone wasn't 100% in on the relationship.

 

Anyway, if you find the time to answer the above questions, perhaps my thoughts on the matter might change.

 

Oh, and as for swinging, I think you two definitely need to put that to the side and work on the relationship.

[Sirramm 111]

Painful story...been there...long story...

 

I've come to realize there is passion and then there is sex. Trust me a hard concept to get your brain around but just because she likes sex with other guys doesn't mean she loves you any less. The fact that she exploded says she loves you and doesn't need, want, or looking for forgiveness or explanation. I'd almost be willing to bet your sex is better and both of you are thinking about her being with other men. Take it for what it is worth mate and do your best to move forward. Hope all works out.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

She (probably? It sounds like you don't know for certain yourself) cheated on you during your marriage and sounds like she doesn't want to admit it. If she denies that anything 'happened' then there's nothing for you to forgive her for which is why she got angry. It sounds like you both have some serious problems with trust that need to be addressed...she's broken your trust at least twice. Until this can be repaired, you have no reason to be swinging (our original short answer). We wish you the best, but the two of you need to work on the trust and honesty in your relationship before you do anything more.

[Darkmoon 16]

Thanks to everyone for the advice. Last night after she came in from work she wanted to talk about it. She claims that it was all just a misunderstanding. When she said "shit happens" she swears she wasn't disregarding my feelings or becoming defensive, but rather agreeing that people makes mistakes and it's all good because sometimes "things happen". Who knows, this could be the truth or she may have felt bad about going off on me. But we decided to chalk it up to a misunderstanding and forget about it.

[TheRedHalf 81]

It sounds like your relationship is broke.

 

It's kind of like riding a bike with a busted rim. You need to fix it before you can enter the race. Sure, you can ride it for a while and it may seem fine but at some point you're going to have an accident and cause more damage.

 

Take a break and figure out what you two really want.

 

[Darkmoon 16]

Everyone seems to be missing my last comment about how it was a misunderstanding. We have moved past that and are doing fine. Ps. We had company over last night and it was awesome.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Darkmoon, I think there's a general concern for you two because if there's a deeper issue that isn't faced, it becomes worse. Things might seem fine and dandy for awhile but then at some later time, something can hit a nerve and bring it back, bigger than before. Taking swinging out of the equation, life's lessons are ones that we should remember and learn from...not things to forget or push back under the rug. I really do hope things are great between you two...it's just really hard for those of us online to have the whole situation so we naturally have questions.

[MrDiscover 802]

Everyone seems to be missing my last comment about how it was a misunderstanding. We have moved past that and are doing fine. Ps. We had company over last night and it was awesome.

 

No, I did not miss that. But "But we decided to (..) forget about it" was precisely why I think it only looks fine now. Great that the last night was awesome but there is still so much under the carpet, or so it seems. TheRedHalf still has good advice.

[AngelandTiger 364]

Just my $0.02, but if she was as volatile and angry as you say, she wasn't "agreeing" or saying that things were "all good". I'm not trying to be negative, but my gut is telling me that forgetting about it may not be so easy.....

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

But we decided to chalk it up to a misunderstanding and forget about it.

 

Am I the only one who reads this as 'we decided to just ignore the problem and keep going'? She has cheated on you (cheating is NOT swinging and should not ever be mistaken as such) and it was seemingly just swept aside and now she is allowed to continue having sex with other people under the guise of swinging. I still think that there's things that you are both ignoring that need to be cleared up before you continue any further. You need to stop and work on your relationship FIRST. This is a magnifying glass...it will take a good strong relationship and make it even better but it WILL destroy a weak one. We still wish you the best, but the two of you need to work on the trust and honesty in your relationship before you do anything more.

[AngelandTiger 364]

From Darkmoon's first post:

 

"She said that she may eventually bring me into it but no promises."

 

"That was just odd to me because 30 minutes before I forbid it,"

 

Both of the highlighted phrases above make me nervous. Swinging is about COMMUNICATION and teamwork. I do know that the above are just cherry-picked from other posts, but the mindset and the language do give off a certain vibe of unilateral decision making. Anybody else worried about that? I think GoldCoCouple is right on.....

[Sunday 119]

One of the best things about us swinging is I felt that we had ultimate comfort in our marriage and that we both had let go of hurtful things from our past. Keep in mind that we are only 2 week veterans of swinging, so these could be growing pains, but here is my story.....

 

I've been with my wife for 7 years. 2 years dating, 5 years of marriage. After about a year of dating I found out that she had been texting her ex. Of course it was "it's not what it looks like, we're just friends". We got into a huge fight and split up. While we were apart she moves in with one guy and then another. Several months later we got back together. Of course the things that had happened were hurtful to me....even if we were technically not together.

 

Fast forward ahead to 2 years ago. She decided not to come home one night. I hear rumor that she's fucking some guy from her work. Then she fucks up and sends me a picture of her pussy one day that she meant to send to yet another guy. (At this point 5 guys that she has fucked or tried to fuck). She hooked up with a chick during this too, but I wasn't too upset about that.

 

So last night I tell her that I'm glad that despite all of the hurtful things from our past that we are now so comfortable and have put all of those things behind us that we are actually swinging and feeling good about it. (Big change given our history)

 

I tell her that I forgive her for all the things that she had done to me in the past. At this point I expected a hug and kiss and maybe even a "thank you" and a "I'm sorry". Nope. She blew the fuck up on me and asked how dare I forgive her. She said "shit happens and you have nothing to forgive". This absolutely destroyed my mindset and brought back all kinds of bad feelings.

 

Of course now I'm wondering if continuing to swing is right for us (or if timing is not right) because I felt like she shit on my feelings and down played them. Am I overacting? Is she right or wrong? I'd love to hear some advice If you please. I fear our marriage maybe wasn't as strong as I thought.

 

You're a cuck, dude.

 

 

I know this was 2015 but something tells me this relationship is no more. It sounded like he wanted to swing and she just wanted an excuse to have sex with other people.

[Numex 2,416]

.. It sounded like he wanted to swing and she just wanted an excuse to have sex with other people.

Aren't those the same thing?

 

You're a cuck, dude...

Nothing wrong with that in a swinging context, if that's what you want.

[lcmim 1,082]

Aren't those the same thing?

 

 

NO.

[Sunday 119]

Aren't those the same thing?

 

 

Not to me.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

I said it before and will say it again: cheating isn't swinging and swing isn't cheating. If your partner is cheating on you, the you shouldn't even think about swinging. Swinging is all about love, trust and communication. If you don't have all three in abundance, then you shouldn't even be thinking about swinging.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

We are swingers. If my wife cheated on me, I'd leave her. I love to see her fuck other guys. If she lied to me about it, and betrayed me, it would be over.

[10thBadger 25]

On 5/26/2015 at 2:15 PM, Darkmoon said:

Everyone seems to be missing my last comment about how it was a misunderstanding. We have moved past that and are doing fine. Ps. We had company over last night and it was awesome.

My wife just said how can you look her in the face knowing that she did that to you. I’m just shaking my head at my wife and saying I’m not sure that I would be able to forgive you and she looked at me and said they would be absolutely no way that I would be able to forgive you. I would be trying to get your whole military pension lol