Disappointing results and lessons learned

[Liveitup314 18]

We first started looking for another couple in March of last year. We made a profile on site that we no longer use and were automatically upgraded to "paid" members due to our activity on the site those first few weeks. Another newbie couple reached out to us and we messaged back and forth on that site for about two months. They eventually got off that site, as did we, due to the number of crude comments left on pictures and messages from stupid people. They had face pics on the site, we did not.

 

We continued to communicate through email and we sent them a pic of us showing faces and full body. We didn't hear from them for a month, and I even told my wife that we probably would not hear from them again. To our surprise, they emailed us again about six weeks after we sent our face pics. Previously we had not gone more than two weeks without contact. They didn't even mention the pic, though we would always compliment their pics and they had previously left nice comments about our body part pics when we still had a profile on the site we met them on. I thought that was strange, and that maybe they didn't like us physically after seeing the whole package, but then assumed that if that were the case they probably wouldn't have emailed us again.

 

The wife of the other couple eventually messages us and very bluntly says that they want to meet us and don't want to drag this out any further. I admit that we delayed meeting with them at first because: 1) they hadn't seen our face and full body pics and judging by their pics they were very slim (we are not, and never have been), and 2) I was still in the military when we first started talking to them and wanted to wait until I was out and had found a new job, because that was kind of a stressful period for us. But now we were excited to meet them, especially after communicating with them for months and trading so much personal information about each other. We set a date about four weeks out to meet in a large city that was between us and to stay in the same hotel.

 

Fast forward a few weeks later and we're meeting them at the hotel. When they first walk in I notice that the husband is very talkative, which they said he would be, but the wife is not so talkative, which they said she can be a little standoffish. A positive is that the wife was actual a little bigger than her pictures, because neither of us have a preference for really skinny people. We go eat dinner and I think everything is going well. Eventually we go to a bar (big mistake) and it's so loud that we pretty much don't talk to each for almost two hours due to the music.

 

Finally, the other wife says they are ready to leave whenever we are. We were ready immediately, so we all walked back to the hotel and went to our room to hang out. We are in the room just talking and playing cards. The other husband is talking a lot to both of us, and I'm talking to him a lot more than I'd usually talk to a person I'd never met before. The other wife isn't talking much at all. We had discussed soft swap with girl/girl, and throughout our previous communication, the other wife was big on the girl/girl aspect. So the two wives not talking very much was kind of concerning. Eventually the other wife says she is tired and that they would like to go back to their room.

 

After they leave I ask my wife what happened, and she tells me that 1) she had no expectations, thus was not disappointed, 2) my expectations were too high, and 3) she could tell immediately that the other wife was not into her by the look on her face when she walked into our room. I agreed that I shouldn't have come into the meeting with expectations, but I don't agree with my wife's assumption that the other wife wasn't into her. My wife is kind of a pessimist when it comes to judging herself. I honestly think this experience messed with her confidence a lot. Now when other couples compliment her, she'll tell me that she's concerned that they're overrating her, or putting her on pedestal.

 

Anyway, back to the other couple. We ended up sending them a text the next morning saying that we enjoyed their company (we did, despite not playing. They were pleasant people) and we'd like to see them again someday. They replied that they also had fun and would like too see us again. We didn't hear from them again, so after about three weeks I texted them just to say hi and asked how they were doing. The responded like a week later and we texted back and forth for about fifteen minutes, and their replies were really brief and mostly one liners. After that, my wife asked to please not text them again because it's obvious they aren't interested in us and by messaging them I was making us both look desperate. I complied, and we never heard from them again. That was about three months ago.

 

What we learned from this is that a picture exchange should be done as soon as possible, possible red flags should not be ignored, we shouldn't limit ourselves to one couple at a time (doing so took us out of the hunt for others for roughly four months), not to have expectations, meeting in person should be done quickly after a short vetting process (probably within a month or two) and should not be at a loud bar.

[PandO 103]

Pretty much how I imagine us eventually spending the time with someone. We have also not done anything yet. I guess all the stress and anticipation and expectations just get in a way. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you better luck in the future.

[angelkin 1,326]

LiveItUp314, I am sorry to hear that your situation didn't pan out - but ultimately, you learned valuable lessons in swinging. I think your take-aways are spot on. But...

 

It's hard to know where the other couple's heads were. We can't know if perhaps one was pushing the other to meet, if they were having a bad day, didn't know how to make the transition from cards to playtime, or some other underlying issue. It's clearly better that you didn't hook up with them as someone surely would have been disappointed.

 

I hope your wife doesn't take the "rejection" seriously or to mean that she's unattractive. Rejection is part of being in the lifestyle - we are not attracted to everyone and everyone is not attracted to us. Confidence is sexy!

 

Take your new found knowledge and get back in the game. Swinging is kinda like dating in pairs. You wouldn't text a woman for months and chase her exclusively, right? Same rules apply in swinging.

[Liveitup314 18]

 

It's hard to know where the other couple's heads were. We can't know if perhaps one was pushing the other to meet, if they were having a bad day, didn't know how to make the transition from cards to playtime, or some other underlying issue. It's clearly better that you didn't hook up with them as someone surely would have been disappointed.

 

I hope your wife doesn't take the "rejection" seriously or to mean that she's unattractive. Rejection is part of being in the lifestyle - we are not attracted to everyone and everyone is not attracted to us. Confidence is sexy!

 

I am also wondering whether none of us knew how to make the transition into playtime. I thought it would be a slam dunk before meeting them, because either girl/girl and some oral and touching of opposite spouses was going to happen, or we'd just watch each other have sex with our own spouse at a minimum. Which I thought the latter would not be an issue at all, unless there was a complete lack of chemistry between everyone. Both of us thought he may have been okay with something happening, but her not so much.

 

I agree that it's probably better that nothing happened, because I feel that the other wife may not have enjoyed it. My wife is taking the "rejection" (in her mind) kind of hard. I think it is because she has had confidence issues before and has rarely put herself out there to be judged as much as she did with this couple. My opinion is that if the other wife didn't like her physically, that's her loss. She missed out on seeing what my wife was wearing under her clothes :drool:and was prepared to show off for the other wife and her husband.

 

We also agree that nothing is sexier than a quiet confidence.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

What we learned from this is that a picture exchange should be done as soon as possible, possible red flags should not be ignored, we shouldn't limit ourselves to one couple at a time (doing so took us out of the hunt for others for roughly four months), not to have expectations, meeting in person should be done quickly after a short vetting process (probably within a month or two) and should not be at a loud bar.

Your analysis is, I believe, accurate. I believe, also, that your are ready to move forward. Consider that a woman needs to have her own reasons for doing something. The impression I received from reading your story is that the other woman was feeling compelled by her spouse to put on some kind of performance and was reacting negatively. Make certain to know and understand your wife's reasons for wanting to get into swing.

 

WELCOME to Swingersboard. I hope you grow to enjoy it as much as I have.

 

~Michael

[kikonkrome 844]

I think you had some great take a way's from that experience. I think an important indicator is that both partners are engaging us in conversation. Certainly that the female half is. We have had some positive experiences where the male half is quiet, but I can't think of a positive experience where she was quiet.

 

We just don't have the time or patience for a lot of emailing. We asked to speak on the phone really quickly. We also insist on meeting people at a lifestyle friendly club. It just eliminates drama, and 'sketchy' behavior. I am not sure if you have that option but if you are driving and then meeting a hotel, it would be one to keep in mind.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Sorry it was less than ideal. It sounds like you had some good take-aways.

 

I second the idea of meeting at a club or other event.

 

I'd also suggest trying to meet couples who have experience. It can be hard for two new couples to get things going. If you tell an experienced couple what you are looking for and ask them to "lead the way" it might be easier.